an unspoken Relentless evil takes the form of three Scare crows in the fields of Sweet Apple acres, what will happen the night when AJ and Applebloom stumble upon them on a camping trip???
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 29th Apr, 2016
- offline last seen Feb 6th, 2019
21latenighter
she could change the future, all she had to do was give up her past, and all of her friends, could she do it....
21latenighter
Joined 29th Apr, 2016 ·
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The pacing is insane.
Honestly, I like the premise to this story a lot. I enjoy a good "haunted X" story, and I feel this could've been a good one.
Sadly, this story is so fast paced that it... well, there was practically no real story in a way. We go from Applejack and Applebloom in the woods and they leave after they hear two twigs snap.
Where's the build up? The suspense? I don't want to sound rude, but without that, there is no horror or thrills.
I felt the same about the rest of the story. It's too little and too quick. We just jump from scene to scene with so little dialogue and substance. It's disappointing, really.
Also, this is more of a nitpick, but I would've liked more back story to these "scarecrow's". Perhaps you should have had Applebloom ask AJ about the Scarecrow's (maybe she overheard a classmate talking about them?), rather than having AJ say she's old enough to hear the story. Regardless, I found myself wondering where these things came from. Especially with the ending which, by the way, I kinda liked. I think it would've worked a bit better if you left it ambiguous. That's just me though.
All that said, I genuinely like the premise. While I haven't read the book or watched any of the movies, it reminds me of Children of the Corn. Based on what I've heard about them.
I haven't read any of your other stories, but I'd say if you just fleshed out the story, this could've been something good. Until then, I won't like or dislike it.
And please, don't take this comment as me being rude. I just wanted to give you some feedback.
By the way, I'd recommend getting an editor. It could help with a lot of the complaints I had above.
Hey there! You have a pretty good storyline going here. You've got all the key elements to make this a really great tale. You have a good excuse for the characters to put themselves away from home (since you mentioned Applejack didn't want to stay around so many stallions who would be hitting on her. Very realistic concern that a lot of people can relate to, so that works well).
There are few things I'd like to give you pointers on since you've got the spirit and enthusiasm to write, but could use some important refinement.
Focus on EMOTION
This dialogue could work REALLY well, but you are missing some very important punctuation. Right now, think of punctuation like actors showing emotion on a stage. You only have periods in the middle of this tense scene, which means it's as if the actors on stage are simply speaking lines without giving any emotion. You need to utilize methods of emphasizing the words when the characters are dealing with stress of tension. Check this out:
Simply by adding exclamation marks, I've made this dialogue a lot more intense.
You can also use italics when characters are trying to emphasize one important word or phrase during a key moment.
Usually, you will add italics when you've want the reader to focus on this key moment within the tension to help them realize This moment is important.
PACING
Pacing is how fast the story and its events take place. Pacing usually speeds up for action and usually slows down to induce fear or uncertainty (or even to explain something).
Right now, your pacing is going a bit too fast. To increase pacing (and thus, increase the speed of a scene), simply make sure you have shorter sentences and stick to the basic information to keep things moving. To decrease pacing (and slow down a scene), add extra sentences to scenes that elaborate on the events and focus in on what the scene looks or feels like.
Here's what you have so we can use it as a pacing example:
This moves REALLY fast, meaning the pacing is quick. We need to slow it down to build up tension. You can do this by adding extra sentences after "Apple Jack started." Then they can understand more easily why Applejack wants to move away from this thing. This would be an example of what you could do:
---
So the two key things you should focus on in your stories right now are adding proper punctuation to show emotion during dialogue and elaborating more to help build tension when you need to. :)
I upvoted your story cause you've got some great work here! Just refine it a bit more and you've got it! *hugs* Great work!
7616285 thanks for the feedback, I have worked on my emotion and pacing in my later stories, but I think I could come back and work on this one sometime. I am glad you saw potential here!
updated!!!