Chapter 3
“It doesn't look that bad, does it?” Twilight ran her hoof over the frazzled mass of hair growing from her chin.
Her five best friends forced polite smiles.
“Oh.” Twilight said. “It just needs a little grooming, that's all! I mean, everypony's mane is always messed up whenever they get out of bed-- this is the same principle! Let me just get a comb.” Twilight levitated a hairbrush from the nightstand, and set to work. The hairbrush made it a few inches before it snagged in Twilight's mighty beard, ensnared like a boat's propeller in thick seaweed.
“You need a shave, dear.” Rarity said.
“I can't shave this off!” Twilight winced, and yanked the brush free. Most of it, at least-- a few bristles remained stuck in Twilight's beard.
“Now now, I know you worked very hard on this.” Rarity set a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. “But honestly, it's for the best--”
“No, Rarity. You don't understand. I literally cannot shave this beard off.”
“Pardon?”
“I may have worked certain protective incantations into the foundational formulas of my beard spell.”
“Say what?” Rainbow Dash said. “Pretend you're talking to someone who's not a super nerd like you are.”
“My magic beard is … kind of invincible.” Twilight said.
“No it's not!” Rainbow Dash squeaked. “I can totally see it!”
“Invincible, Rainbow. Not--” Twilight shook her head. “Y'know what, never mind. Right now, we've got a portrait sitting to worry about.” Twilight eyed her own chin in the mirror. “We should be able to find a tungsten-carbide comb around the palace somewhere, right?”
Rarity began to tremble ever so slightly as the gravity of the situation really began to sink in. “Do you mean to tell me, Twilight, that you have … bearded yourself, without the means to undo such a thing?”
“Uh, yes?”
“So it's permanent?”
“Until the spell wears off.”
“And when will that be?” Rarity said.
Twilight mulled this over. “Oh, a week. Maybe two?”
“Wizards.” Rarity rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “I should just be glad my talents lean more towards fashion than the arcane.” She pulled in a deep breath. “Then again, if I wasn't such a brilliant designer, I wouldn't feel the sudden urge to panic right now, either. Ha. Ha. Isn't that ironic?” The corner of Rarity's eye began to twitch.
“Uh. Darlin'?” Applejack dragged Rarity away from Twilight as gently as she could manage. “Last thing we need is two ponies goin' nuts right now.”
“Maybe it's a unicorn thing!” Pinkie Pie said to Rainbow Dash. “Like, the horns are antennas for the crazy-rays bouncing off the moon or something. Oh! I know! What if we make them tinfoil hats so that way they don't get the crazy rays so then everyone's perfectly normal again!”
“Sounds legit.” Rainbow Dash said.
“No hats!” Rarity shrilled. “They're entirely out of season!”
Applejack kept dragging Rarity across the Pretty Princess Suite.
“Right then!” Twilight said. “Spike, how much time do we have before I have to make an appearance for this royal portrait?”
“About, uh … “ Spike checked the clock on the wall, and then the schedule they'd made before even arriving in Canterlot. “Fifteen minutes?”
“Oh! Shoot. That just means we're going to have to improvise.” Twilight stroked her beard, a gesture that she was sure had some sort of cognitive boosting property to it. “Pinkie.” She finally said. “Do you have an emergency party kit handy?”
“Well duh!” Pinkie Pie hauled an oak trunk out from behind a couch. She pounded a hoof against the side of the trunk, and the lid flipped open, letting a few balloons sail upwards. “Whatcha need? I've got balloons, I've got streamers, I've got party hats, I've got confetti, I've got everything!”
Twilight peered into the tight-packed trunk. “Do you have a cake serving set?”
“Yep!” Pinkie started yanking cutlery out of the trunk. “That's a great idea! Cake makes everything better! But do you think they're gonna do your official portrait of you eating cake? I mean, that'd be a great picture, but doesn't it take a long time to paint a portrait? You'd either run out of cake, or eat SO MUCH cake that you'd barf up rainbow frosting as soon as they were done! And that'd be terrible because then you'd get rainbow icing barf in your fancy new beard!”
“Good thing I'm not hungry.” Twilight plucked a stainless steel fork out of Pinkie's serving kit, and then trotted over to a mirror. She pressed her lips together in a tight line, and then started to pull the tines of the fork through her beard. It was a little awkward, but before long, Twilight managed to get her bushy beard into some semblance of order, with only a little damage to the fork. She made sure to set the fork-turned-comb aside anyway, just to make sure it didn't wind up being used for its intended purpose ever again. “Right then!” She said. “That's a little more manageable, don't you think?”
Applejack braced herself against Rarity's flailing, and chanced a look over her shoulder. “Er.”
“Oh, I know, this is short notice.” Twilight said. “Otherwise, I'd see about properly accessorizing my beard with braiding and bells and such.”
Rarity made a wordless cry of dismay, and lunged past Applejack with the sort of adrenaline-enhanced speed usually reserved for mothers pushing heavy carts off of their children. “TWILIGHT I SHALL NOT LET YOU DO WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO.”
“It's not that bad, Rarity--” Twilight tried.
“IT IS WORSE.” Rarity plowed into Twilight like the world's most fashionable battering ram. The two tumbled over each other and careened across the room, until Rarity somehow wound up atop Twilight, glaring down at her. “Twilight.” Rarity grit her teeth, and the very tip of her horn flared with magic. “Please. I'm begging you. I am begging you with tears in my eyes. Don't do this.”
“Do what?”
“ANYTHING.” Rarity said. “Things are bad enough as is! I'm already trying to think of a proper story to tell everypony of why you can't make it to your own official portrait sitting. I would tell them that it was a simple matter of food poisoning, but then ponies would start examining just where you ate, and I couldn't have it on my conscience to think that some poor restauranteur would have their reputation dashed upon the rumor that they prepared something that did not agree with your royal digestion!”
“Dagnabbit.” Applejack grumbled. She pulled a lasso out from beneath her hat and sailed it across the room, expertly looping it around Rarity in order to yank her back. “Y'all's gone nuttier n' a squirrel in a peanut brittle factory. What's got into you?”
“It's not what's into me.” Rarity struggled against the rope. “It's what's onto Twilight! I'm all for … experimentation, even in the avant garde sense, this is Twilight's official royal portrait! It's how shell be known and viewed for centuries to come! With everything Twilight has accomplished, with everything she has done for Equestria, with just how good of a friend she's been to all of us, I simply shall not allow Twilight to go down in the history books as the only bearded princess in all of history.”
“You know, Rarity … that's kind of a good point.” Twilight said.
“Of course it is.” Rarity said, surprisingly prim for someone wrapped up in rope. “I mean, er, thank you. Now, Applejack, if you'd be so kind as to untie me, we can all start working on a way out of this fiasco.
“One pony with a beard is an oddity.” Twilight mused. “But six ponies with beards? That's a trend.”
Rarity went paler than usual. “Twilight, what are you--”
Twilight's horn began to glow.
“What do you think?” Twilight looked from the portrait, up to Princess Celestia, and then back to the portrait again. Princess Twilight Sparkle's official royal portrait had been moved to the Pretty Princess Suite once it had been completed.
It was a stately painting-- Princess Twilight Sparkle stood tall, with a deep purple cloak wrapped around her shoulders. She rested one hoof on a small, book-piled table. The princess looked out dramatically to some point outside the painting with her chin set in an appropriately determined jut. At least, Twilight hoped the expression was clear, given the long beard that obscured the lower half of her face.
“It's impressive.” Princess Celestia said. “Unique, even.” She hadn't batted an eye when she first saw Twilight's new facial hair, or even on the painting depicting it.
“You don't think it's too much, do you?” Twilight said, suddenly self conscious.
“No, it's fine.”
“So you like it?” Twilight said, hopeful.
“Twilight.” Celestia smiled wanly at her favorite pupil. “Are you asking me about the picture, or the beard?”
“Yes?”
“Well, Twilight, I will support whatever choices you make. Besides, when you're a princess, you're allowed certain … eccentricities, from time to time.”
“Eccentricities?”
“Luna once tried to pose for her royal portrait standing over the corpse of a blood-titan she'd slain. She's still a little miffed I wouldn't let her.”
“Because it would send the wrong message?”
“No, because the body was starting to rot. Took weeks to get that smell out of the west hall.”
“Oh.” Twilight Sparkle winced at the very thought of such a thing.
“So is it a fashion thing? I stopped following most trends after my two hundreth birthday. Was all of this Rarity's idea? Her beard was the most … stylized, after all.”
“Not exactly.” Twilight said. “She actually didn't like the idea at first, but once she got her hands on some mustache wax, she just called it a new challenge, and off she went.”
“That sounds like Rarity. You all managed the look fairly well, I must say. How did Fluttershy get the bluebirds to nest in her beard like that?”
“It just sorta … happened, I guess.” Twilight said.
Celestia nodded, and then leaned in to examine the painting closer. “What's this?” She ran her eyes down the pile of books in the painting. “That little blue one doesn't match the others.”
“You noticed!” Twilight clapped her hooves together. “I was hoping you would! I added that book to the pile right before the painter started.”
“It must be important, then.”
“It is!” Twilight said. “I found it in the Deep Stacks earlier today! It's a previously unknown work of Starswirl the Bearded's-- the very thing that inspired me to create this new spell!”
“Oh?”
“Mmmhmm! I was able to decode the hidden meaning in Starswirl's poetry. Or, well, I started decoding it, at least. I'm really looking forward to researching and experimenting on the connection between beards and magic and friendship.”
“I'm sorry, Twilight … but did you say poetry?”
“I did!” Twilight said, proud.
“Poetry by Starswirl the Bearded.”
“I know! I was shocked too.”
“And you think there's a hidden meaning to it.”
“Of course there is! Why else would Starswirl the Bearded write a book of beard poetry in the first place?”
“Actually, I know exactly why he did.”
Twilight's eyes went wide. “You do? Oh wow, I should have asked you before!” Her heart began to beat faster in fangirlish excitement. “Did he give you some kind of secret code, or cipher, with which to analyze his poems?”
“There's not any analysis to be done, Twilight.”
“Of course not! You two were friends! He would've told you what he knew directly.”
“Twilight.” Princess Celestia rested a hoof on the shorter princess' shoulder. “Starswirl the Bearded wrote that book on a bet.”
“How do you even--”
“Because I made that bet. I once bet him he couldn't write a whole book on beards. So he did. The poetry thing was just an extra little bonus."
“Why would you even make that kind of bet to begin with?”
“We may have been drinking at the time.” Celestia said, smiling fondly at the memory.
“You mean …. you mean I've done all this.” Twilight ran a hoof over her beard. “I did … that.” She looked at her regal portrait (which somehow made her beard look larger). “All based on a drunken wager?”
“I'm afraid so.”
“Oh no.” Twilight shrank down. “I should've listened to Rarity. She was right all along. And now everypony is gonna think I'm … I'm … what're they going to think, Princess?”
“They're going to think you're the smartest, kindest, friendliest princess in all of Equestria.”
Twilight looked up from the floor, hope shining anew in her eyes. “Because everypony knows that it doesn't matter what somepony looks like, and that it's what's inside that counts?”
“Hopefully.” Princess Celestia shrugged. “But just in case, I told everypony that you and the other Elements of Harmony had to go save the world again, so your brothers went to the portrait party in your place.”
“Brothers?” Twilight said.
“Your semi-identical twin brothers.” Celestia nodded.
“That doesn't make any sense! Do you really think everypony's going to believe that my friends and I all had random siblings that suddenly just showed up without anypony even mentioning any of them before?”
“It happens more often than you'd think.” Celestia said.
“Oh.” Twilight said. “So. Uh. Now what?”
“That's up to you.” Princess Celestia smiled. “If you want to keep the beard, I won't stop you. But you should know that it's not going to make you more inherently magical. It might make you a little wiser looking, though.” Celestia turned her head to look at Twilight from a slightly different angle.
“I don't feel wiser.” Twilight said.
“See? Wisdom already.” Princess Celestia pulled Twilight in for a brief hug. “In fact, I think this whole experience has been good for you. Did you learn anything?”
“Oh!” Twilight immediately flipped into 'student' mode, wracking her brain for options. “I guess I learned a little bit about research and verifying sources. But, no, that's not a very good friendship lesson. I … hmm. I guess I'm learning about how looking up to someone means you don't have to copy everything they do? That I can be a great pony in my own right, without having to imitate someone else?”
“Perfect.” Princess Celestia said, and her approving smile made Twilight beam with pride.
“Thank you.” Twilight said, nodding. “But. Um. It's … it's still okay if I wear a special princessy necklace like yours, right?”
“That's fine, Twilight. Just try not to get it stuck in your beard. It's why I never grew one myself.”
Hey, here's ANOTHER song about beards. And history! And it's not by The Beards, even.
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That would be a peytral. Nice story though. I for one enjoyed it.
new3.fjcdn.com/pictures/By_a78fa4_2337236.jpg
Of course Twilight would make her beard magically invulnerable. Because Twilight.
I think you accidentally a phrase here.
An extra what? Good chapter regardless, though!
Heh. Brilliant.
Poor Rarity, but that's Twilight Sparkle for you- throw more magic at the problem until it goes away. And kind of nice to know Starswirl wasn't quite that crazy. And I could certainly believe the show would suddenly introduce semi-identical twin brothers from out of nowhere. I wonder if Spike got a beard, he could probably pull that look off too. Fluttershy's beard as a nest sounds like a great idea, Pinkie's hair already acts as storage for her, Fluttershy might as well have animals in her beard too.
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Dangit, must've been a C&P error or something. Fixed it! Thanks for the head's up!
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1) This is the pony who once called her tiara a "crown-thingee"
2) A petryal is part of a set of barding. Celestia isn't canonically wearing armor. Ergo, no one calling it a necklace is wrong.
Good thing Spike had his portrait done before that stuff happened.
A fantastic and fitting conclusion to a delightful bit of madness. Thank you for it.
An elegant solution to hilarious madness. I approve.
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This.
boardgaming.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/epic-spell-Wars-title-580x125.jpg
You're really my favorite writer.
Please keep writing stuff.
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Later Reviews #83!
My review can be found here.