• Published 26th May 2016
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How Spike Kinda Sorta Maybe Married a Changeling - somatic



Spike doesn't understand what went on, either. All he knows is that several thousand bugs call him "daddy" now.

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9: Chrysalis Does Interesting Things to a Sensitive Portion of Twilight's Anatomy

The air crackled around Twilight as she stepped into Spike’s cave. The amplifier in her castle let her teleport here easily—more importantly, it let her bring along several dozen research notebooks, a pallet of parchment, and enough quills to make an entire taxidermied parliament of owls.

“Spike?” Her voice echoed through the lightless cavern. She didn’t hear his snores, or the rustling of one of his dragon-sized comic books, or even the raucous beats of his in-cave sound system.

“Spike?” A shard of chitin crunched under her hoof as she stepped forward. “Spike!”

Nine rings of sparks launched from her horn, hovering into the emptiness of the cave like stars in the sky. Searchlight beams ran along the walls, illuminating nothing but black exoskeletons and glittering gems. Her dragon was gone.

“Chrysalis!” she yelled with fire in her eyes. Winds howled around her as thunderbolts crackled to her command. “What have you done with Spike!”

She heard Luna’s voice behind her. “Spike is alive and well, Twilight.” Powerful wingbeats stirred up dust around them both.

Twilight whipped around to face her, storms still gathering to defend her. “Princess, you’ve got to help me! Chrysalis has…”

“You know, I prefer queen.” Green veils fizzled around Chrysalis as her disguise dropped, Luna’s midnight blue coat giving way to unrelenting black carapace. Her dark hoof brushed back scratchy insect hair. “Did I get the mane right? It’s always tricky for me.”

Any further remarks were cut off as Twilight slammed into her and tackled her to the ground. “What did you do with my dragon!” she shouted at her pinned-down victim.

“Oh, fine. Be that way.” Chrysalis hooked Twilight’s hoof away and pulled herself up. “He’s fine, just left for some fresh air or whatever.”

Twilight jabbed a foreleg at her. “A likely story!”

Chrysalis was expressionless. “Yes. Yes, it is.”

“Like he would leave a wanted criminal alone and unguarded!”

The queen started to circle the alicorn. “Well, he did. Check for yourself, or do you need me to teach you that spell?”

Twilight sent feelers through the ley lines, casting around until she felt an immense magical presence at her castle—even from miles away, she could recognize Spike. He was safe.

He was stupid. Again.

Twilight sat down in a huff. “So. You didn’t do anything evil this time.”

Chrysalis’s gunky lips tried to imitate a smile. They failed. “See, I’m a good pony! I can be trusted on my own or with small children or in a orphan—”

Twilight glared. Chrysalis slurped away the drool that formed whenever she thought of orphans.

“What?”

Another huff from the princess. “Well, I was going to get Spike to help me take notes on your species, but I suppose I can do that myself.” As much as she hated Chrysalis, she liked scientific journals more.

Quills came to life with lilac sparks. “So, with your permission, I’d like to interview you for the latest issue of the Royal Unified Magibiological Procedural Society’s journal.”

Chrysalis looked heavenward as she mulled that over. “The RUM…”

“Don’t mention the acronym. The founder lost a bet.” Twilight refrained from mentioning that she was the founder, and the bet was with Spike. She had always had a sneaking suspicion that he’d cheated at that game of Go Fish.

Twilight felt the weight of thousands of bug eyes falling on her. “So, may we begin?”

The queen answered. “Why, whatever do you want to know about us?”

Twilight gulped. “Currently there are some holes in our…” No, no, don’t mention the holes! Could be a sensitive topic… Are they sensitive? What would it feel like if I… “Some, uh, gaps… er, I mean, missing pieces…” She hastily reshuffled her notes. “In our body. Of knowledge. Body of scientific knowledge. About your holes. I mean, bodies.”

Insects chittered. Chrysalis licked a particularly nasty-looking gash on her side. “You want to know more?” Her tongue, still green with unmentionable liquids, ran along her chapped lips. “Oh, I’d love to show you.”

“Okay. Um.” Parchments orbited Twilight’s head, moving in an elegant choreography of notetaking. “Science, yes. Let’s start with the…”

Chrysalis cut her off. “Bodily fluids, yes, let’s start there.” Ignoring Twilight’s carefully-prepared plan, she forged on. “I wish to extract a certain substance we changelings hold quite dear. With it, we will…”

Crimson blossomed on Twilight’s face as she coughed. Chrysalis came up close to her, moist tongue tasting the air. “What is it, sister-to-be? Are you ill? My drones will excrete a bed for you posthaste, and I shall…”

“No! No, I’m fine, it’s just… fluid. Ew.”

“Oh, nothing to be ashamed of. We breed with the viscous substance your kind produces so readily.”

Twilight’s incandescent blush made war with her desire to learn. “You, um… wait. So whenever you need to spawn a new drone, you need some of this… fluid?” Ink spread across her parchments. That’s not like normal insects. Given how many drones are in this chamber alone, she’d need...

A slide rule clicked as Twilight calculated. Carry the two, that’s… a lot of gallons…

Thankfully, Chrysalis diverted her from that particular line of thought. “Not all drones need to be fertilized, no. But if we wish to create a particularly nimble drone, we slather the egg in pegasus secretions.” Bits of spittle flew from her mouth at the word slather. “A strong drone, earth pony secretions, and so forth. A dragon would make for particularly glorious hatchlings.”

“Uh huh… let me just…” Twilight switched out her quill for a fresh one.

“I recall harvesting a bit from that red stallion in Ponyville ages ago. Big Mac, you called him. Oh, he was big indeed.” She smirked. “Where it counted at least. His long…”

The quill snapped in Twilight’s magic, her eyes blinking hard as she tried to clear away the images in her mind. “You, you did, you…”

“Oh, yes. Enough fluid for a dozen nymphs to wallow in.” She stretched her forelegs out. “It makes for a brilliant hooficure, by the way. I’m sure my drones will be able to give you one if you want.”

Her parchments shivered in their lilac auras as she forced herself not to think of little innocent Spike and this monster, doing acts she’d only read of in the very special part of her library, the one she never let Spike reorganize. Even the card catalogue was off-limits.

Chrysalis came closer, her breath ruffling Twilight’s mane. “Yes. It always was easier to harvest from stallions. Why, those fools love to smear it all around, don’t they?”

Twilight drew her forehooves around her, wings trying to cover her face. “You… That’s… Spike… Big Mac… Wait. Stallions are easier? Wouldn’t they be the only source of, erm, fluid?”

Chrysalis’ chitinous eyebrows cracked a little as she raised them. “Whatever do you mean? Why, even you have some delicious secretions, right there in your—” A snaking tongue sprung from the queen’s mouth and forked into Twilight’s nose “—emmm, nostrils.” It came out with a thin sheen of mucus.

Twilight recoiled, wings snapping out from her sides as she flew up. “What! Why! Ew!” Her hooves shot to her snout, probing to see if Chrysalis had planted any nefarious spores in her sinuses. “Why did you do that?”

“Only demonstrating the more aggressive means of acquiring the fluids. Mind, your cavities aren’t quite as deep as Big Mac’s, but you’ll do.”

Hooves still firmly clasped over her snout, Twilight slowly drifted back down to earth, horn flaring with a quick shield spell just in case. “You mean the…”

“I can barely hear you with those ugly hooves over your face. Maybe if you had some fashionable holes in your chitin, you could speak through them, but…”

The alicorn considered for a moment, then lowered her hooves as she kept her distance. “The secretion is—”

“Mucus, yes. Why, what fluids were you thinking of?”

“Oh. I… I… nevermindgottogo!” Hooves pounded the ground as Twilight scampered off, red cheeks bright enough to light up the room. Chrysalis coughed in the dust she had thrown up before turning to a drone by her side.

“Well, what did she expect? Blood wouldn’t suffice, and neither would saliva. Asaf, what other bodily fluids do stallions have?”

Drones are physiologically incapable of blushing, but this one did a passable imitation.