Twilight sailed through the skies, several battalions of soldiers staying behind to guard Chrysalis. Her interview, while scientifically fascinating, had left her rather flustered, and collating her notes would take a while.
Twelve more wing beats and she touched down on the castle balcony, books and quills floating behind her in a trail of her magic.
By now, her guards had learned to leave her alone instead of giving her the full ‘Huzzah, the princess has returned’ treatment every time she landed. Instead, they simply took her books and scientific luggage off her hooves, one of them giving her a quick message. “Princess Cadance is here, your highness.”
Twilight stepped through the double doors into the castle. “You don’t need to call me ‘your highness,’ Golden Arrow. I helped your daughter with her school paper, for star’s sakes, I don’t think we need to be formal.” A few blips of magic straightened out her papers and tagged each one for proper placement in her research archive. She offered a few thank-yous to the guards before speaking to Arrow again. “Now, you said Cadance is in the castle?”
He didn’t need to answer. The pink princess trotted out to meet Twilight, wearing an outfit that was… interesting. And latex.
“Um, hi, Cadance. What’s going on?”
The former foalsitter was chipper as always. “Oh, Twilight! We’ve just been planning Spike’s bachelor party; it’s great fun!”
Twilight blinked. Bachelor party. Well, her little dragon would have to grow up someday. “Well, that’s, um…”
At that instant, a crystal pony galloped towards Cadance, his outfit labeling him as a student in her Love Academy. “Your highness, the minotaurs ate all their edible loincloths and we can’t find a Prench maid outfit that will fit the Smooze!”
Twilight fainted.
Ponies often walked around with no clothes on. This, Spike was used to.
Yet somehow Cadance’s love scientists had found a way to design costumes that made ponies seem more naked, as if their clothing actually reduced their modesty below what could be accomplished with simple nudity.
The unholy combination of socks, garters, and fuzzy articles of miscellaneous apparel, by means unknown and incomprehensible to Spike’s mind, managed to transcend nakedness and enter an entirely debauched realm of sensuality.
There were mares and stallions, zebras and dragons, dancing seaponies in oversized fishbowls—a distant descendant of Maud Pie had even provided a few scantily clad boulders. If Spike squinted, he could distinguish a cloud of breezies. His eyes weren’t good enough to make out what they were doing with that dandelion, but he was sure it was lewd.
A few griffons flew overhead, doing terrible things in interesting positions.
Spike decided that this would be a bad time to tell Cadance that Twilight had never actually given him the Talk.
While he didn’t understand most of what was going on, he knew enough to recognize that this party was the work of a masterful planner. A very crazy, slightly obsessed planner who Spike suspected was not using her godlike powers in the most beneficial way, but masterful nonetheless.
In fact, the only party planner better than her would be—
Spike’s ears perked as he heard an impossible sound. If he didn’t know it was impossible, he’d have almost believed it was…
Pinkie Pie spronked around the corner, a keg of cider bouncing on her back. “Hi, Spike! Sorry I’m late!” She giggled in a way that suggested she herself had imbibed quite a lot of that keg. “Heh! Late! ‘Cause I’m dead!”
The pony pranced around Spike, who became progressively more bamboozled with each squeaky boing. “Uh, Pinkie? I don’t mean to be rude, but aren’t you… a window now?”
“Well, of course, silly billy. I’m not really here, I’m just an alcohol-induced hallucination.” She waggled her tail at the keg. “Seriously, this is powerful stuff.”
“But I haven’t even had a drink yet!”
“But you will, and this is special cider.” Pinkie contorted her hooves into air quotes as she spoke. “It gets you drunk before you drink it!” She merrily hopped around the dragon, little bubbles popping from her mouth. “I’m like a pink elephant, ‘cept I’m not an elephant! But I am pink.” She stopped moving and rolled her eyes backwards into her head, examining the inside of her own body. “Yep, I’m pink! Just checked.”
“How…?”
“Special cider.”
“But…”
“Spike, I’ve been saving this for your big day since I first met you. Stop questioning it and take a sip.”
The keg was barely as big as as the tip of a fang—a dragon of Spike’s size could drain the whole thing without it technically qualifying as a sip. Still, it seemed like it meant a lot to Pinkie.
“Or a quaff. Or a guzzle. A drinkeroo? A slurple? A…” Pinkie invented several new terms for ‘drink’ by the time Spike finally managed to wrap his claws around the keg and pop the stopper out of its bunghole.
Pinkie chortled. “Heh. Made you read bunghole.”
Spike looked baffled. “What?”
“Nothing. Just take a drink.”
Something blacker than black and sweeter than pie dripped out of the keg. It was only a tiny drink by Spike’s standards, but he could already feel it buzzing in his brain and destroying his liver.
“Wow, Pinkie, this tastes really—”
Spike woke up with an icepick of a headache.
“Cadance, why are you wearing a Smarty Pants costume?”
“Um…”
“And why am I slathered in hollandaise?”
“Uh…”
“I’ll go see if Twilight knows any spells to erase photos.”
“Good idea.”
I'm not sure I even want to know what happened when Spike was drunk as a skunk, but something tells me I'll find out anyway.
Well.
Yep.
That's a LOT OF HOLLANDAISE.
Somebody wanted a Dragon meat sandwich, and they were going for more than a footlong.
m.quickmeme.com/img/01/017604bd2443e18c831b1b6a2b21bbb7ac6d5e0acc9641f7320d2659bd7f5cd0.jpg
Contrary to popular opinion, they are very rigorous with their science.
No, you don't understand: they never stop taking notes.
Ever.
Well....so much for those breezies. I mean if a stiff wind can cause havoc for them I doubt they'd survive a drunk off his scales dragon.
>Pinkie chortled. “Heh. Made you read bunghole.”
Was...that a 4th wall break? I think it was a 4th wall break. Also I find Cadance's lust for Spike delicious.
What Spike really couldve done with, is getting Knurd. Then Pinkies Special Brew wuld be just what the hallucination ordered.
Well, at least Pinkie was behaving perfectly normally.
... Yeah, Cadance really went off the deep end after Shining died.
I'm curious about what happened after Spike drunk that cider, but I'm quite sure my mind would collapse from that knowledge.
7295699 I'm amazed there wasn't a reference to him in here.
7295715 Just wait till Pinkie breaks out her extra-special cider. It gets you drunk just by reading a story about it!
I work with bungholes every day, thank you very much Pinkie!
7295739
I'm okay with this
7295763 You said bunghole teehee.
bunghole!?! how rude!
dead Pinkie is best Pinkie?
quite dearest precious scales - dream of your queen........ RARITY! AND NOT THAT AWFUL BUG
Uhhhhh...
7295854 Your avatar is oddly fitting for this story.
Sigh, I know absurd humor is the premise of this story but my personal distaste for cliche Pinkie fourth wall breaking and this particular rendition of Cadence being just... ughh, it kinda puts a huge damper on my interest in this story.
Really there tend to be two types of Cadence in fanfic. Kind, gentle, playful, understanding and loving Cadence or whorey Mc Whoreface that thinks 'love means loves cock'. Love and sex are not he same thing, hell romance and sex aren't even the same thing. Slut Cadence is the least likable most low hanging fruit of all possible ways to write her. It's just... ugh.
Also for a story about spike and chrysalis there sure has been a whole lot of not them interacting as well.
Still trying to understand how this works exactly. Ya know, for SCIENCE.
7295732 Are we certain that Cadence isn't actually Slaanesh (on a good day) at this point?
Wow.
Honestly, I would have been more surprised if Pinkie hadn't shown up at Spike's bachelor party. A little thing like being dead isn't going to stop Pinkie from throwing parties, especially for her dragon buddy. Now she just has to show up for the actual wedding reception too.
I wonder how long ago Twilight's ideal image of her favorite foalsitter was shattered. I also wonder how much of Twilight's castle was left standing after that party. I would worry about Twilight's sanity, except we all know she's always been crazy, with Spike as the saner one.
7295926
Ever heard of Decadence from Night Shift? Bitch still scares the crap of me
7295926 I really wouldn't call this cliche fourth wall breaking. More like ..... Pinkie Pie breaking the fourth wall, while shattering physics and spacetime, at the same time beating the fourth wall with another fourth wall. :| I'm used to Pie's fourth wall breaks, they don't bother me any more.
But this? This? ....This makes my brain hurt. D:
7295926 You know what? You're right. Cadance is not very well written here; honestly, I wish I had foregone all the cheap humor I got from her and instead tried to do justice to her character. I suppose I could blame a little bit of it on her being older and crazier now that Shining's dead, but I still don't like doing this to her.
The whole story kinda ran out of control, and it's not really the story I had in mind when I started anymore. I'm thinking of rewriting this later on, to make it fit better with the vibes in the two prequels.
my mom's 22nd birthday.
Oh come on! You can't do a "hangover" reference and delete the pictures! Give us hints at least!
I… I don't even.
Can you write a chapter detailing exactly what the fuck happened
7295926
If there's one thing I can definitely agree with you on, it's that I would very much like to see Chrysalis and Spike interact more.
Plus I can see where you have reservations on the story direction and humor since I also think it's kind of going off the rails and down the rabbit hole, but a part of me also wants to see where that leads...
I sometimes wake up slathered in honey mustard, never enough crackers for clean up though.
I think that Pinkie is the pony version of Deadpool.
7295739 I think it was that batch. I'm feeling a bit looping after hearing about it.
7295672
nah, no writer worth their salt explains a noodle incident.
This story is making less and less sense by the chapter...
Continue please!
7295879 Huh, you're right.
Now that's what I call a party.
7296284 Generally, what this one said. Though still funny, this is beginning to go too far into "what new insanity can I make" at the expense of the characters and the bit of heart that made this great at the start.
If just Spike took just one sip and the end result somehow got Cadance in a Smartypants costume... What would it do to something that isn't Spike's size? Hey Chrissy! Come have a drink! A toast to marriage.
7295739 Try me. I haven't had a drink in my life. You'll never get me drunk.
Say, was Ember there?
(In Latex?)
7296060
You could have written Cadence as a compulsive shipper (another cliche yet a less disgusting one) rather than a libertine. The fear of losing another husband or lover to the ravages of time leads the Alicorn of Love to project her own wishes of romance onto others rather than risk breaking her own heart. An unhealthy, cowardly yet sympathetic response.
7295519 Thank you good sir.
Well this was an interesting chapter.
wat...
(see above)
Okay. What the hell just happened?
Then again, I have to agree that is a perfect depiction of how a drunk person remembers stuff. Or better said, remembers the before and after
I...mmmm...errr....I don't understand what happen in this chapter...Too random to understand...
7296060
I know this might seem weird... But I LOVE the Cadence in this fan fic. She seems, how you say, more lively. If I were you I would keep her this way, but alas I'm not. Just a big fan of your story. ( I'd still read it even if were to change her. )
Ah, Reannual Cider! You get the hangover before hand, and you have to drink rather a lot to get over it. Similarly, the plants used to make it, which only grow in areas with high levels of magic, are harvested before they are planted. Reannual farmers tend to be very serious people who spend a lot of time looking at calendars, as if normal farmers get it wrong, they get a bad crop. If Reannual farmers get it wrong, they fracture the fabric of space time, which can be awfully embarrassing.
Clearly Princess Cadence has become the Slaanesh of Equestria.
Cadance has gone from the Princess of Love to the Princess of Porn.
Alliteration is Magic!