Ch1: Cloak in the Snow
Light reflected off the shined surfaces of the streets and homes of the Crystal Empire as Celestia’s sun rises high in the sky. It was a beautiful day with white puffy clouds drifting over the empire today. None would believe that just beyond the boundaries of the empire a constant, unforgiving storm raged on.
That was no problem for the crystal train, however, as it chugged along; cutting through the ice welded on the train tracks like butter; even if the action of doing so slowed the train quite a bit. While it was quite frightful on the outside, the appearance within was actually nice with the seats being nice and plush.
Sitting in the second train car, a familiar purple alicorn mare sat along with her always-faithful assistant Spike.
“Twilight, are we there yet?”
Complained the baby dragon as he laid on his back. Twilight, who sat in front of him, sighed as she scribbled on a piece of parchment with her magic.
“I think so, just be patient.”
“Yeah yeah, I know. It’s just the train never takes this long getting through the Arctic North.”
Twilight pulled her eyes from the parchment, levitating the pen she used next to her as she gazed out the window. The weather was unforgiving, hitting the train with all its might as a hailstorm released its full fury upon it.
“Well you can’t really expect it to be fast with a storm like this.”
Spike pulled himself up in a sitting position, watching the storm. The wind rattled the windows as ice hit it, causing some concern to rise in Spike.
“Are you sure the train will be okay in this weather?”
He asked, moving closer to the window to watch the relentless winter land that seemly never ended.
“Of course it can, it was built for this kind of weather.” She smiled at Spike, reassuring him before returning to scribbling on her parchment. Spike, feeling much more relaxed but still impatient, continued to look out the window blankly.
He focused on nothing in particular, just leaning against the windowsill. Something about watching the blinding, foggy storm felt somewhat hypnotic as Spike’s mind began to zone out any noise around him. He felt as if he was in a trance, watching the hailstones dance with the wind.
It was then he spotted something odd. Something became visible in the distance; seemly being some sort of fabric or light in substance as it waved along with the wind. It was brown in color, becoming clearer and clearer the more Spike focused on it. He was convinced he was seeing things as the object began to take a form of somepony. After all, no pony would be foolish enough to battle the treacherous nature of the Arctic North and, if there were one crazy enough, there was no way they would survive.
It became clearer still, soon revealing it was something wearing a cloak. Spike stood, his eyes glued directly on them. A hand, pink and scaly, slipped from the cloak and motioned him to come.
“Come to me, come with me.” It practically screamed as Spike stared at it. His claws pressed against the glass, his curiosity beckoning him until a loud voice snapped him back into reality.
“Spike!”
He turned to face Twilight, dumbfounded. It felt he just had woken up from a peaceful sleep, causing him to shake his head to fully awaken. Looking at Twilight he could see a concerned look on her face.
“Hey, are you okay? I kept calling you but you weren’t paying attention!” It took him a moment to register her words but the moment he did he flailed his arms up in the air like an crazy pony.
“Oh! T-Twilight! There’s somepony outside! Look!” He pointed outside, frantically. Twilight raised an eyebrow, turning to see what he referred to.
“What? That’s not possible. The weather out there is impossible for any pony to go through.” Looking out, she saw nothing, which served only to convince herself that Spike was just seeing things.
“See, there’s no pony there.”
“What!” Spike pressed his face against the glass, seeing that she was indeed right. All that was there now was snow and ice.
“There was somepony there! I swear there was!”
“Please Spike, that’s impossible. No pony could go through that weather.”
“B-but…”
The intercom turns on, interrupting him as a stallion’s voice comes through.
“Attention all passengers, we are approaching the Crystal Empire! Please collect all your belongings and traveling companions! We will be stopping shortly!” As the intercom cuts off a magical field cuts by the window as it entered the pleasant weather of the magically contained empire.
“You probably just imagined it. You have been staying up really late the last couple of nights reading comic books.” Twilight stands, stretching her limbs as Spike jumps off his seat with an angry face written on it.
“Hey, it’s not my fault Mareval is releasing some really great titles. I mean the Amazing Spiderpony alone is just… amazing!” She giggles, rolling her eyes as she starts to make her way over to the train door. Spike thinks for a moment to himself, looking back at the window for a few seconds before running after Twilight who was already at the door. He just pushed the thought aside, believing Twilight was right.
The train pulls into the station, making a loud squealing as the wheels sparked to a stop. The doors suddenly slide open, allowing the workers standing by to put down ramps so those upon the train can exit.
There, waiting to greet his little sister, Shining Armor approaches her as she walks off the train.
“Twily!”
“Shining!”
The two run up to each other, giving one another a tight hug. Thankfully, he didn’t seem overworked or sleep deprived like he was back when Flurry was first born so it was easy to see he was happy to see his sister.
“It’s great to see you again kid, how have you been?”
“Great! The work’s been a bit… overwhelming but I’m think I’m doing well.”
“Yeah I bet.”
The three walk together, heading for the crystal palace that stood proud and beautiful just ahead. As they walked the two ponies talked, catching up with each other, while Spike’s brain still insisted on thinking about the thing he saw. In fact, he was so focused on it that he bumped into one of the legs holding up the castle.
“Spike!” Twilight walks towards him, making sure he wasn’t hurt before sighing.
“What’s wrong?” Shining armor approached them, curious about what was going on. Judging by recent events, Twilight was easily able to infer what was wrong.
“Hu? Well...." Spike interrupted, believing he should explain himself rather than Twilight.
"I saw somepony out in the Arctic North wearing a cloak! I know I saw them but Twilight says it's impossible."
"Because it is Spike!" Shining tapped his chin, thinking for a moment.
“Well…”
Hearing Shining possibly question Twilight, Spike was instantly all ears.
“Well?”
“There an old legend about cloaked figures wandering the Arctic North. They seem to come out of nowhere and disappear just as fast. No pony really knows where they come from or what they are since the Arctic North isn’t a safe place to explore.” Hearing that Spike instantly stood, his interest along with Twilight’s.
“Really? See Twilight! I told you I didn’t imagine it!”
“Well I guess…”
A familiar voice rings from behind Shining, prompting Twilight’s ears perk up.
“The Cloaked Ghost? It’s just an old Crystal Empire Legend; a Boogie pony story to keep ponies out of the Arctic North really.”
“Cadence!”
Cadence approached them, a smile on her face. Before anything else, Twilight galloped over to Cadence and hugged her sister-in-law lovingly.
“Hey Twilight, nice to see you too!”
“B-but… I saw one outside the window! It was telling me to go with it and everything!”
Cadence goes over to Spike, lowering her head down to him and speaks with a soft, gentle voice.
“Well legends come from something right? It’s probably just the Arctic North playing tricks on your mind. We don’t really know what’s out there or how things work. It’s better if you just relax, Spike. After all, you are on vacation right?”
“Yeah, I guess…”
Cadence giggled, petting him slightly.
“Have some fun, you earned it.”
The four walked into the castle together, Spike walking behind them. Cadence was right. Even if Spike did see something out there it’s not like they were going to drop everything to send ponies into peril just to discover what it was if it was even there at all. It’s better that he just relaxes and enjoys the rest and relaxation.
>A few minutes later<
Twilight held little Flurry Heart in her arms, talking to her in the little baby talk adults usually do when spoiling foals with attention and affection. Poking her playfully with her hoof, the tiny baby alicorn squealed as her auntie played with her.
“Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake~” Twilight tapped Flurry’s hoof, making the baby giggle.
“Clap your hooves and do a little shake~”
She held up the baby in the air, laughing as Flurry flapped her large, fluffy wings out of glee. Truly she was a happy baby full of joy and innocence; how Twilight adored her.
While Twilight spent time doing that Spike wandered around the castle looking for things to do. Usually he would have the staff loving him for being the ‘brave and glorious Spike,’ but they all seemed to be either attending to Cadence, who took the opportunity of Twilight’s visit to have her maids spoil her, setting the table for tonight’s meal, or have already gone home.
“Spike, if you really want something to do why don’t you go check out the library?” Spike recalls Shining’s advice.
“There are some comics there that might catch your interest.”
While usually the mention of comics would send Spike running he wasn’t so keen this time. He wanted company, not lurking in a dark library alone reading a book. So, when he finally spots a pony he instantly perks up.
It was a palace maid digging through what seemed to be a closet of some kind.
“Hello!” He said, trying to be polite. The pony, knowing exactly who he was dropped the broom she held and bowed down to him.
“O-oh and hello to you too, Spike the honorable, brave and glorious!” Finally, some attention, it made Spike feel much better. He couldn’t help but feel his ego lift from this pony’s admiration but he didn’t want her to grovel at his feet as she was.
“So… what are you doing?” He asked, seeing the pony reluctantly get up and watch him to see if her doing so would offend him. Thankfully, Spike was a kind dragon and simply waited for a response.
“W-well I was looking for duster to finish cleaning the vases but…” she pointed into the closet, revealing it was much bigger than first thought. In fact, it simply seemed to be just a regular room with a lot of random junk stored inside it.
“I can help you if you want.”
“Y-you want to help me!? O-oh no I can’t ask that of you!” Spike scoffed, waving his hand to dismiss that comment.
“Oh no, it’s not that big of a deal. I want to help.” He walked into the dim room, digging through items scattered around. The pony hesitantly followed, looking though the closet. Dust was on everything in the room, showing that no pony has been in here for long time. Moving the objects around Spike soon spotted a duster in the very back of the closet.
“There you are!” Walking towards it he trips over a fallen broom and collides with something that was hidden under a tarp, knocking it over. Hearing the loud noise the mare gallops over to Spike, seeing him groaning and rubbing his head.
“O wow ow….”
“Oh my! Are you okay!?” she helps him up, looking at him with concerned eyes as he rubs his head.
“I’m okay, not the first time I’ve hit my head on something. I’m pretty durable” He picks up the duster, tapping it a few times against his claws to shake off he dust on it and offers it to her.
“I found the duster.”
“Oh! Thank you!” she takes the duster in her mouth, bowing slightly to him. After doing that Spike looked over to what he had tipped over. Tarp now off it what it was made him raise an eyebrow as he stood it back up.
It was a statue carved from a hunk of jade of a dragon; however, unlike all the other statues or images of dragons he’s seen, this one was different.
It was like him, in a sense
Clearly this dragon was designed on a much larger dragon but like him it was wingless and actually pretty long in comparison to other dragons. It stood proud, looking up with a look of majesty to it.
“What is this?” He asked, amused and amazed. The maid looked at it, taking a moment to think.
“Umm... I think it’s an earth dragon.”
“Earth... dragon?” The maid nods, examining the statue for any cracks.
“I’ve never seen a fully grown one myself but my mom said that before King Sombra took over the Crystal Empire there used to be many of them but after he came into power they just... vanished. No pony really knows what happened to them.” She grabs the tarp, tossing it back over the statue and began to head out.
“Fully grown?” She stopped just outside the door, looking back at him.
“Well, you don’t really have wings so I just kinda assumed you were one. You are one, right?” Spike stared at her for a moment, his claws touching his chest.”
“I don’t know.”
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I am interested in the concept, however you have a consistent issue:
It looks like each of these bolded statements corresponds to the speaker in the next paragraph, and they should be in the same paragraph as the speaker for clarity's sake.
Those aren't the only two examples, but I would suggest grouping them like that to help with speaker clarity.
It also has a group of people talking back and forth, and without clear action or dialogue tags it can get a little unclear as to who is talking.
Also you're missing a direct address comma before Spike's name in "Because it is Spike!"
This is intriguing.
>Light reflected off the shined surfaces of the streets and homes of the Crystal Empire as Celestia’s sun rises high in the sky.
Tense mismatch, is this past tense (reflected) or present (rises)?
>The intercom turns on, interrupting him as a stallion’s voice comes through.
Should be past tense?
Found several more.. seems to switch between past and present at random. Pretty jarring, could use another pass maybe.
Mismatching tenses are very tiresome.
You've got my attention. But the random tense switching is distracting.