Just a brony who likes to write using whatever free time I have to spare.
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When Starlight Glimmer discovers a locked door in Twilight's castle, she is determined to find out what Twilight is hiding. But Starlight soon discovers that some things are best left hidden. This story was my entry for the Forbidden Knowledge writeoff competition.
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Excellent job. I think you did a very good job at portraying their relationship based on what we've seen thus far.
Hands?
7185811 Sorry, my mistake. It's fixed now, or should be.
Not half bad, both Twilight and Starlight seem in character and their interactions feel like something out of the show.
...I can see this happening.
The characterizations were on point and I could totally see something like this happening in the show.
Good job!
Good read. Liked + favorited.
Well, the character interactions were good and the story was believable. You even did a good job building up suspense, but there was no payoff. I half expected the book to be an embarrassing photo album or Twilight's diary. Personally I think that still would have fit with the 'forbidden knowledge' prompt since Twilight would certainly consider it forbidden. Grammar and spelling were good but the paragraph formatting was off, although I don't doubt that was the website's fault since it does that some times.
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Ah... I did not like it, sorry.
So, here is what I thought the story was going for: introduce a mystery in an otherwise normal world, leave it open at the end, leave the reader wondering.
However, since Twilight explains exactly how it came to be and only leaves out the detail of what it is, it simply became a question that I'm not interested in answering. If Twilight had explained nothing, it'd have probably been more effective. If the story had another appeal, and the door was just lingering in the background, that could have been more effective. If the door had some kind of surreal effect, like if it was left unexplained why Starlight was drawn there, that could have worked. I frankly feel like the way the story was built made the question as uninteresting as possible, and I usually like mysteries that are left open. I do them myself, possibly too often.
I unfortunately also disagree with the story being believable. I found it reminiscent of an official episode, actually, in a negative way. I'll try to explain-- so, Starlight has to read this book. Fair enough. But then, she has not even decided which one to read, and Twilight is already back? I thought that'd take hours. So what has she doing all this time? (This is the story of inconsistency that I see a lot in the official writing.) The character interaction is similar. Would Twilight really go into needless detail about her trip when Starlight doesn't care? I don't think she would, though at the same time, I could see her doing it in the show, which is also guilty of this sometimes. Of course, since she is the character from the show, you could reasonably argue that that makes it in character for her; it's just that I think those are almost always the not so well written episodes which do this, simplifying her character by sort of limiting her to her supposed quirks. It's like if Rarity appears and begins to talk about dresses out of context. If you want me to buy into their characterization as adults (and I usually give them lower ages than most people), then this sort of lack of subtlety breaks my suspension. This is of course different if the character has real reasons to lack subtlety, as e.g. with Pinkie who is legitimately autistic.
Also another point. The reasons Starlight has for breaking in there are so weak. I mean, really. This could be top secret, it could be dangerous, and in either case it's a bad idea for her to break in. It's not like she has any particular reason for wanting to know beyond simple curiosity, or that Twilight owes her or really any excusing circumstances. She just breaks in. (And again, it would have been so easy to just make it feel deliberately out of character in which case the door would immediately feel more mysterious, but it did not feel like that, it just felt accidentally out of character.) And it wasn't even treated as this incredibly stupid and disrespectful act that it really was, she apologizes but then Twilight also apologizes and the way it comes across doesn't make it feel like a bad thing.
To end on a positive note, Grammar was good. I only detected one mistake; a missing "the"
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Commence Comments Review:
I have to say, it started out way to slow and the mystery part was played out too slow and to near the end. I did like the whole forbidden book thing, but I just love when Twilight breaks rules, but that is just me.
It just felt too forced and awkward. It doesn't seem like either of them to just accept it and leave it, or to forgive each other so easy. This story is too slow, then too fast, and too forced.
I wasn't the biggest fan of this story, sorry.
I had mixed feelings about this one. No problem with the initial setup, and I actually quite like talky fics so that was a plus. On the other hoof, Celestia's reasoning seems a bit contrived and I feel that Starlight gets a rather bad deal while Twilight gets a rather easy ride.