The pony processing organ in my head still has some foreign non-pony contaminants.
Discord messed with their mailboxes when he turned Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world and never fixed them, so the six ponies of the Ponyville Chess Club have to meet every day to exchange mail with each other. This has turned out to be a good thing for everypony involved.
A two chapter (planned anyway) story where nothing much happens except conversation. A brief chess game may show up as a brief detail in chapter two.
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Ok so overall I love your premise and the plot you have. Now your execution was not the best. I think the biggest problem is your pacing. You move too quick and during your introduction I felt that the characters didn't have anything that really stuck. your dialogue is actually not bad but your descriptions are a little rough and together with the pacing make it a little hard to understand just whats going on.
8387979
Thanks! This was pretty much just get an idea from my head to paper (metaphorically speaking) as quickly as possible, so it's kind of terrible. Always good to see which parts I need to focus on for improvement though.
This is one of the greatest headcanons I've ever heard.
8422629
I was pretty proud of it myself.
I quite like this, but there are some issues to fix. I like the premise, I like their attitude to the regular Royal Inquisition, and I like a lot of the little turns of phrase. For example:
This I like.
But like I said, there are things to fix. First, the mundane: a lot of slips, typos, grammatical mistakes and the occasional malapropism. You even change a character's name at least once. Do you have an editor? Every author, be they grand or lowly, needs an editor to catch things like that.
More notably, as 8387979 said, the pacing. In the first chapter, the introductions are rushed. It seems like you have a good idea of who each of the characters is, but you leap from each to the next so we don't see it. You need to make sure each and every one of the characters is properly introduced, at the same time as the premise. Don't be afraid to spend more words on building the scene and the characters.
This bit doesn't work. It looks like you're trying to emulate some of the authors who are best at that sort of metafiction: Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, etc. I'd recommend getting solid writing down first before allowing yourself to indulge in gimmicks.
In the second chapter, the pacing felt unfocused. The <insert scene here> obviously needs to go, and more importantly it affects the timing of everything around it. The chess game is a nice idea, but it all sort of peters out at the end.
The idea feels like there's a lot more that could have been done with it. Perhaps a chapter focused on each of the girls, with this chapter serving as one of them? Each of them should tie into the premise somehow: letters, confusion and the regular lunch meeting. It shouldn't lose its slice-of-life feel, but it could develop a bit more story.
You do have some nice ideas and some nice words to go with them. Next time you have a story in progress, drop me a line. I can help you hammer out any problems.
8649572
Yeah, it is something of a mess. I did not have an editor for this particular piece. I knew I missed a character name change. Thanks for the feedback, though. I'll keep you in mind next time I get out something to put out.