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Sorelstrasz


Hi! I'm an artist on DeviantArt who focuses on making show-accurate artwork with a higher level of detail. Hail sun horse!

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In the magical land of Equestria, two sisters controlled both the sun and the moon. The elder sister known as Celestia shone the sun upon the land. Ponies would play and bask in the sunlight. The younger sister, Luna, raised the moon and painted the sky to become a gorgeous night. While most ponies would sleep and gather their rest, some would look up to the stars and watch in awe.

On one faithful day, the elder sister became corrupt with power and threatened to bring sunlight upon Equestria forever. But the younger one could not reason with her, for she had become a powerful mare of darkness: Nightmare Star. With no other choice, the young Luna gathered the most powerful magic in all of ponydom: the Elements of Harmony. Using the power of the Elements, Luna reluctantly banished her sister into the sun.

Shortly after her older sister's banishment, the ponies of her kingdom rose up in resistance and waged a terrible civil war. The war ultimately ended in a ravaged land that was inhospitable to ponykind. They were forced to live underground ever since.

Now, nearly 1000 years later, Luna has foreseen the end of her sister's banishment is coming to and end. When that day finally comes, the fate of the world will hang in the balance. It is up to her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, to help save Equestria from the end of all things.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 22 )

Good to see that Luna doesn't blow her off like Celestia does in canon. Interesting so far! :ajsmug:

*Note i'm writing this before reading the prologue, just going on the info*

Sounds interesting, but i think 'Evil Celestia' can have a better, more fitting to the sun, name than 'Nightmare Star'

Great start. Can't wait for next chapters! :yay:

7097251 I have many surprises to bring with each new chapter now. You'll see :trollestia:

7097052 That was something that even irked me in the pilot episode. Look how Celestia in canon initially responded to both Nightmare Moon and Discord. It was like she didn't even think Nightmare Moon posed a threat!

Interesting beginning and alternate turn of events. I have a soft spot for what if stories and alternate universes. Must be the sci-fi fan in me.

FINALLY! Now to the reading,,...enbrgih134805fjt5vfg

Interesting.

Luna leaned toward Twilight and flicked her ears, “Your ears didn’t used to look like that, you know.” She also lifted her upper lift with a hoof to reveal her fangs in all of their glory. “And these,” Luna added. Then, she stepped out of her chair and spread her majestic wings.

That should be "lip" right?

Personally, I think you did a fantastic job with laying down the premise of the story. I had some doubts while reading the prologue, but the first chapter did a good job laying those down for a bit. You got something here for sure.

EDIT: Well okay after giving both chapters a second read, I feel like there are some things to be addressed. For one, I want to literate that the prologue doesn't really add much to the story cause it's the same exposition as MLP FiM's first episode. In fact the description of the story itself is pretty much the same as the beginning of the prologue, so can't say I'm too happy about that.
The first chapter felt good to me at first but that's because I realize it had way better exposition than the prologue chapter, but it's still too much exposition. It doesn't set the pacing of the story right and leaving more of the plot as a mystery would be a bit better.
Not to mention that Celestia's motives as a villain aren't properly shown even as Luna explains her evil sister's greed. Why the greed though? Why has it grown inside Celestia in the first place?
Perhaps Luna assumed too quickly and doesn't know the whole truth behind Celestia's motives, but from a reader's standpoint it bothers me that Luna doesn't show or tell us and Twilight that she doesn't know Celestia's reasons well. It's also fishy that to believe that Celestia would want to control the night so badly. Does she really gain much at all from antagonizing Luna for control of the moon? While I do understand this is only the first chapter, I felt this issue could have been handled more properly.
Like perhaps if the ponies were actually nocturnal instead of day dwellers, it would give Celestia more reason to be selfish.

The story so far but there are a few problems that you neglected or didn't notice.
One: Why didn't Luna fix the moon after it was destroyed or use the Elements of Harmony to stop it from destroying the surface?
Two: Why did the Resistance come up in general?
Three: Why didn't Luna bring the Elements of Harmony Underground and instead leave them in Canterlot?

These can all be easily solved though in two ways.
One: make it so that Luna hated The Elements of Harmony after they were used. Give it something like, "It was able to stop my sister but not able to save her." Filled with grief and sorrow she took it out on the Elements of Harmony and decided not to bring them underground or use them ever again.
Two: Have the part of Celestia watched over the day and the awake and Luna watch over the moon and sleep be more meaningful. The resistance thought that Luna was jealous or that they just like Celestia more because Ponies are naturally daytime creatures, something like that.

It's not my place to tell you how to write a story I wouldn't to be telling you any of this stuff however if I didn't want your story to succeed because I like the premise and where it's going. That being said just take this one saying I heard, or rather read, a while ago and keep it in mind in your future writing.

"Always write as if the reader has no idea what anything is"

7100035 Good catch! I'll fix this. I have some volunteer proofreaders, but things can slip past. If anyone notices any other mistakes like this, let me know and I will go back to fix them. :twilightsmile:

7100042 Too much exposition? Hmm. Okay, yeah. Definitely more than the prologue for sure. I can see why that's coming across as lengthy. I will consider moving some of that into the prologue to better equalize how much is in each chapter. I don't want to overwhelm anybody here. As for your questions about Celestia and Luna, see my response after this one.

7100088 I'll respond to each of the issues you addressed.
One: Why didn't Luna fix the moon after it was destroyed or use the Elements of Harmony to stop it from destroying the surface?
This event happened 1000 years ago. For me, Luna was too young to even be capable of restoring the moon. I feel like even in the present, she still couldn't. Do you recall Luna and Celestia fighting off the storm in the season 6 premiere? This to me seems to validate my rationale. If they can't even repel a storm against the Crystal Empire, then rebuilding an entire moon would be seemingly impossible. In regards to using the Elements, this will be covered in a future chapter. I'm not going to spoil it, but... she couldn't use them. More details soon.

Two: Why did the Resistance come up in general?
The Resistance was responsible for the war that changed the face of the world forever. This also isn't the last time we'll talk about them, either. Stay tuned ;)

Three: Why didn't Luna bring the Elements of Harmony Underground and instead leave them in Canterlot?
I know you and Chaotic Nocte had questions about the two sisters, so let me explain them as best I can. The Elements of Harmony are essentially kept hidden in this castle. As to why, I cannot explain at this moment in time. You will learn more about the reasoning in upcoming chapters. Thank you for caring about this story and I will do my best to address the "Always write as if the reader has no idea what anything is." I have some conflict with spilling all the beans in this because I also want some things to be open-ended. It's trying to find a balance. I like your criticism a lot, actually. These are things that I can't say I think about as I am writing. You're more than welcome to give me more feedback with each new chapter.

Four: Why the greed though? Why has it grown inside Celestia in the first place? It's also fishy that to believe that Celestia would want to control the night so badly.
Excellent. You're asking the right questions. :trollestia: I intend to touch upon this more very soon. I am making sure I am VERY critical of the relationship between Celestia and Luna, since this story is heavily dependent upon that.

7100666 I'm glad you're taking our criticism well. In any case, I'm more than happy to stay for the ride.

Yup. I agree.
Silly luna

This chapter is amazing. A head-cannon about the origins of Nightmare Moon.

Uwah! I literally only just found out this existed, it's so cool already!

7097788 That is something I can relate to.

Finally a Luna written just like the canon version! Luna would actually care about the situation.

Unlike Celestia...

Make some friends...

Make some friends...

Make some friends...

Make some friends...

Make some friends...

:trollestia:

I love this chapter so much. I can really feel Luna’s misery, a bout of childish curiosity killed the sister she loved, then it resulted in dooming all of surface Equestria, then in the aftermath, Luna had to lie about the origin of her sister’s evil. On top of that, she misses her sister dearly but knows no way to bring her back.
I’m very glad we knew why Celestia turned into Nightmare Star. I would kill me with curiosity if it was revealed by chapter 10 or something. I can’t wait for the real Celestia’s return.

I love the premise! Excited to see where the story goes from here.

One thing I don't get is, if they are under ground, how do they have a Summer Sun Celebration?

I like that the ponies have evolved to live under ground.

This is really interesting. I wonder if anyone else will find out what really caused Celestia to turn into Nightmare Star.

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