With Spike on her back, Twilight galloped through the tunnels of Moonhaven. It was a very dimly lit city and entirely underground. Outside of her bedroom’s window, was the central district of Moonhaven. The underground opened up into a massive cavity which the capital was founded in. Thousands of ponies lived here who had sworn fealty to the Republic. The name of Moonhaven was very complimentary to how decorated the city truly was. The aquamarine luster of the city lights gave with them an aura of serenity. These lights were given off by bioluminescent plants that illuminated most of the roads and common areas within Moonhaven. Queen Luna resorted to these plants since using fire in mass would pollute the underground.
The ventilation system put in place uses two massive holes that travel to the surface at the roof of Moonhaven’s cavity. Smaller shafts split off and spread across the entirety of the city, including primary tunnels and roadways that lead out of the city. By the time the air entered the cavern, it was cold and filled with moisture. Puddles were amuck on the trails and practically every building was coated in a thin layer of dew. Most of civilization has grown accustomed to this after many generations of living in the underground since the temperature and moisture was fairly consistent throughout the year.
Most of the homes were built of massive rocks and boulders, sealed together with cement. However, Twilight wasn’t keen on the thought of how different her home was to the others. The privilege of being under Luna’s mentorship came with much more benefits, such as a large home with two stories. She felt a family of four would be much more appreciative of living in her quarters, but the Queen insisted. Most of the other ponyfolk of Moonhaven were not as fortunate with homes, having a maximum of two rooms: a bedroom and a living room.
As Twilight and Spike ventured forth to the castle, three ponies ahead of her flagged her down and hollered out, “Twilight!” It was a few of her friends from school.
Twilight dug her hind hooves into the ground to a halt. Mud splashed forward onto her body slightly.
Her friend Twinkleshine giggled and continued, “Moon Dancer is having a little get-together at the Lunarfall Reservoir. Wanna come?”
The urgency in Luna’s letter gave Twilight a tough feeling in her gut. She remembered about Moon Dancer’s party, but hopefully even she would understand later why this is a bad time. “Oh, sorry girls,” Twilight began to beat around the bush, “I got a… lot of studying to catch up on.”
Not wanting to make this more awkward than what it has become in the mere seconds of replying, Twilight bolted forth. Spike was a little surprised and pulled at Twilight’s mane just to hold on.
Twinkleshine and her partners watched in disgust as Twilight ran away. She sighed, “Does that pony do anything other than study?”
As Twilight approached the castle, she looked at the guards. They glared at her with a fierce, scolding look. The guards were always this way. It was as if they didn’t trust anypony who they came across on duty. But, with a nod of their head, they sheathed their polearms and permitted her entry into the Queen’s domain. She gulped and trotted inside with a bit more caution with each hoofstep.
Once inside, the two came across a grandiose hallway with a large stairwell at the end of the room. Massive corridors on each side of her were partially open and would groan, rather than creak as the wind seeped through. Banners hung from the ceiling of the New Lunar Republic in a navy blue and the emblem of the Republic in a tarnished silver. Only the light coming through the stained glass windows gave way to an abandoned setting for this castle. Each of those windows represented famous ponies of Equestria’s history.
The corridor behind her slammed shut, startling the two of them. The door’s echo bounced over and over like a pebble seamlessly skipped over the Lunarfall Reservoir. Spike’s breathing became quick and shallow upon gathering what composure he had.
“Well,” Twilight muttered, “the Queen is in here.”
Twilight Sparkle began moving forward through the long hallway. Busts of equine royalty were placed on each side of the walkway. Even paintings of others were mounted on pillars and the walls.
What was most impressive about this building, was how well noise was blocked from entering. Outside, the constant hum of the ventilation fans powered by the pegasi could be heard across Moonhaven. In here, there was not a lively sound to be heard. Only the wind through the corridors and the drips of water from the cave’s condensation gave this castle any life for the ears.
Spike kept scanning his surroundings as if he was being watched. “Remind me again why Queen Luna lives in a run down castle like this?”
“Oh, Spike.” Twilight sighed, “The Queen has always been busy with one thing or another. I’m not sure she even has time to tidy her own castle up.”
They climb the stairs and take a right. Throughout the castle, hallways felt more and more lengthy as if they were wandering in an endless maze. Cobwebs were caught by Twilight’s muddy hooves. Wiping them off, she set focus on finding L--
“This way, Twilight.” A shrill whisper swept across her as she gasped, “Follow my voice…”
She didn’t know if Luna was just getting some sort of enjoyment out of this, but she shook her head a few times before listening in on the echo of Luna’s voice.
It was until she reached one heavily ornamented corridor on her left that the whispers seemed to come from the other side. Using her magic, Twilight opened the two ancient doors.
As the doors parted open, Twilight set eyes upon a magnificent library that seemed to rise to the height of the ceiling tens of yards in height. Only a few magically lit lanterns illuminated the library floor, but seemed to dissipate into blackness in but a short distance. Books on the shelves were coated in dust and cobwebs as well.
Near one of the lanterns stood a magnificent being.
“Queen Luna…” Spike gasped.
Garbed in a ghostly white dress, Queen Luna’s ears twitched at the sound of Spike’s words. She turned her head to see the her faithful student and her draconic friend. The Queen lifted her veil to reveal her jewel-like cyan eyes that glistened in the flickering light of the lanterns.
She spoke gently, “It is good to see you both on such short notice.” Luna closed her eyes for a moment and exhaled. “There is much I have to discuss with you.”
Twilight stepped inside the library. Spike hopped off and approached the Queen by Twilight’s side. She began to speak, but was halted by Luna with a raise of her hoof.
Luna’s tone did not change, but Twilight knew she was wanting to cut down on the small talk. “I knew it would only be a matter of time before my most faithful student would find some of the ancient archives of our kingdom.”
“But if they are ancient archives, then why are they so farfetched in what our history is?” Twilight inquired. “Who were these two sisters? What exactly are these suns and moons it speaks of? Who is Nightmare Star?”
The room echoed those words.
Nightmare Star.
As soon as Twilight mentioned that name, Queen Luna seemed to have winced in pain. It was a very subtle wince, almost to the point where Twilight second guessed what she saw.
“Have a seat, Twilight. It is time you knew the truth.”
A very confused and conflicted Twilight Sparkle sat on a chair by the table. She turned to face her Queen once more.
Luna walked away for a moment to gather her thoughts. She reached for one of the bookshelves and grabbed a dusty textbook with her magic. “What can you tell me about the moon?”
“The moon?” Twilight responded.
Luna nodded back.
“That is what we use for the flag of the New Lunar Republic.”
“And?”
Twilight felt her response was not good enough. “And… it’s the shape of a crescent circle?”
“A real moon, Twilight.” Luna seemed a bit disappointed. “A moon is a massive object in the sky that revolves around the world.” She paused. “You have never been to the surface, have you?”
Twilight shook her head.
“I see. I will begin there, then. You see, Twilight, we were not always dwelling in the underground. There was a time where we were all living in peace and harmony on the surface. There were trees and mountains… sunsets and clouds… snow and colorful fields of flowers as far as the eye could see.” Luna approached Twilight once more. “You will find that much of our Equestrian history took place a thousand years ago, but also in the years that followed.”
The Queen used her magic to illustrate to Twilight her story, “As your book mentioned, there were two sisters who controlled both the sun and the moon. I am one of those two sisters whose responsibility was to control the moon and bring forth the night to Equestria. For a time, I was known as Princess Luna.”
“What?” Twilight exclaimed. “I don’t understand. Our history books told us nothing about this! All I recall from that was there was a civil war. It was so devastating that we couldn’t return to the surface again. It was too dangerous for us.”
“And did they ever tell you why there was a civil war?” Luna probed.
“I.. well… no… not exactly.”
“That is because of what happened with my sister. Princess Celestia. She was able to control a powerful and fiery star known as the sun which gave light to Equestria. This sun is much, much bigger than the world we live on and is tens of millions of kilometers away.”
“So… then the legend states that she--”
“Greed made manifest in her heart, Twilight. It changed her. Celestia wasn’t just satisfied with having day and night. She wanted a world where there was no night, which is why control over something like the sun and moon requires a pony with unclouded judgement and no personal bias. Balance must be maintained.” Luna paused briefly. “Unfortunately for my sister, that selfishness set her ablaze with anger. She overthrew the kingdom for a brief time, but it wasn’t until I mustered the power of the Elements of Harmony that her reign came to an end.”
Twilight began to piece the puzzles together one by one. “And you banished her into the sun?”
Luna stomped the ground, “No! It was NEVER meant to be that way!” Her booming voice dissipated her magic.
The echo of her outburst echoed through the castle. Twilight, for the first time, began to fear Luna.
The Queen caught herself and regained her composure. “I mean… that was the result of using the Elements of Harmony. What they did to her was out of my control. I didn’t know they would cast her away.”
The magical illustrations were brought back again as she began to change topics. “After Celestia was banished, the kingdom gradually became more and more into disarray. For you see, a Resistance was created against the kingdom.”
Luna’s emphasis helped ring a bell in Twilight’s memory. “Oh! You mean the Resistance? Against the Republic?”
Luna nodded in reply. “They believed that I chose to banish my sister after finding out the truth of her absence. I was a young mare at the time, relying upon my sister to rule as I watched. Admittedly, I made some poor judgements back then which only fueled the precursory events of the war.”
“Perhaps the biggest turning point within that war was what happened with the sun.” Luna mentioned, relaxing a bit more in her own chair. “After some time since Celestia’s banishment began, the sun began to swell more and more. Its heat began to affect our climate. I was worried of what would happen should it continue. I decided to use the moon to block out the sun and save the land from further damage.” She began to mutter.
“However, I was not met with the praise I was expecting. Instead, they were outraged; mad at the fact I was blocking the sun as if I wanted night eternal. The Resistance became more powerful against my rule in the days to follow. On one fateful day, the Resistance gathered some of the most powerful spell-weavers and wizards throughout the land. With a powerful spell, they shot a mighty beam of magic towards the moon.” A great weight fell into the alicorn’s voice. “The moon exploded. Massive, colossal portions of the moon began to descend from the sky. I did my best to shatter them into smaller pieces, for even the Resistance’s magi were helping as well. Most were taken care of, save one…”
The magical imagery shifted to show a massive meteor descending upon the land like a mighty bomb. Fire engulfed a massively large radius across Equestria until the entire vision of magic swirled into a ball of magical flame before Twilight’s eyes.
The Queen continued once more, “We were able to see this meteor come well in advance. I ordered all of ponykind into the caves of what you know now as Moonhaven. Back then, our kingdom was on the surface and known as Canterlot.” She pointed at a large mountain where palace was near the top. “The caves you see around you have been excavated for hundreds of years to the point where they are now. Even now, we have a fully underground network of tunnels that connects all the cities of Equestria.”
“While the explosion had ended, there was too much devastation for us to return back to the surface. The climate took a terrible turn, bringing severe storms across the land whenever they formed.” Queen Luna showed in the vision her using her magic on the sun, “I first tried to set the sun near the horizon to ease the blazing heat, but the storms proved too much for any of us to withstand. We had to stay underground in order to survive.” She sighed. “All that is left of our former civilization is the ruins that continue to weather away each year.”
Luna leaned toward Twilight and flicked her ears, “Your ears didn’t used to look like that, you know.” She also lifted her upper lip with a hoof to reveal her fangs in all of their glory. “And these,” Luna added. Then, she stepped out of her chair and spread her majestic wings.
“Before we stayed in the caves, pegasi had feathered wings. Ever since we started living underground, we began to change. Our ears became more sensitive to sound; wings turned into webbing like the wings of a bat; but our appetite changed too. Normally, we would eat plants as the herbivores we were.” The Queen showed one last magical illusion, showing a pony stalking a overly large spider. In an instant, they pounced at the creature and buried their teeth into it. After a few gruesome moments, they walked away and wiped the blood from their mouth.
“Now, we require more. Insects are something that sate our appetite now. Their ability to survive on the surface allows them to be plentiful. We attract them into the underground and catch them in the masses. Unfortunately, not many herbs and plants can survive down here…”
Twilight had to wrap her head around all of this. It was a hefty amount of information that seemed to go against what she had been told growing up. It seemed with more of these answers Luna was giving her, it only resolved to her having even more questions. It was a difficult concept to grasp.
The young unicorn looked back up to Luna, “So… what are we, exactly?”
Luna rested a hoof on Twilight’s neck, “We are what is known as a Thestral. Ponies with bat-like characteristics.”
“And…” Twilight got out of her seat and started walking in circles. Spike seemed more lost about all of this than she did. “Wait! You said that after Celestia was banished, the sun began to swell.”
“That is correct.”
“Why would this sun swell?” Twilight thought this was a valid question to ask.
Luna too got out of her seat and created an illusionary sun that filled the entirety of the library. “Because a far worse fate fell upon my sister than even anything you could imagine, Twilight. My sister is not dead. She is alive at the core of this sun, which makes me extremely worried about what could come in our future. I believe the only thing that has kept her alive was her powerful alicorn magic, which was empowered by the sun.”
She hesitated to continue after looking at the expression on Twilight’s face, but went on, “I will not lie to you, Twilight. Celestia and I share an incredibly powerful bond. With each time that I sleep, I know only despair and torment with the nightmares I have. Most times I am overwhelmed with guilt, and the banishment of my sister replays in my head over… and over… and over again.” Luna sighed before continuing.
“Over time, I would see Celestia. Fire and magma would envelop her.” Luna shared this painful description with Twilight in her illusions. “Her coat would blacken… the skin would fracture… she would scream in absolute agony.” Luna mimicked the sound she would hear in her dreams with her magic. The shriek of somepony facing such torture was beyond her comprehension, It filled the library and halls. Death would be the only form of mercy to end such torment. Where Celestia was, mercy did not exist.
Luna ended the cry of terror and ceased her magical spells entirely. Even as the echoes faded away, it did not matter how hard Twilight and Spike tried. They could still hear Celestia in their ears.
“Mark my words, Twilight. Celestia will return. And when she does, it will herald the end of all things as we know it. I have seen what is coming to Equestria,” Luna began, “and that is why I have the most important task for you, my student.”
Twilight swallowed hard at those words, but could not find the guts to respond.
Luna turned back to Twilight, stirring the cool air with her wings and returned to her empty chair, sitting down like she was lifting an immense burden. “You will need to secure the Elements of Harmony from legend: Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity, Laughter, Kindness, and the lost element of Magic.” She reaffirmed a more regal posture as if she had never revealed the pain she had held for nearly a thousand years.
“The castle where they sleep remains on the surface, you can’t go alone on the surface. Go to the underground cities. Seek out five other ponies to aid in your quest.” She raised a hoof and held her head high.
Twilight quickly bobbed in a quick bow, then throwing Spike on her back with magic while galloping out of the large echoing hall.
Luna sighed, letting her posture drop. It was a long shot, but she couldn’t force Twilight to realistically make genuine friends under such a charge. All she could hope is that Harmony itself would see fit to guide Twilight to where she needs to be and bond with her new comrades while on this country spanning mission.
She waited before Twilight’s hoofsteps diminished before resuming her business with the Summer Sun Celebration, but was caught off guard when she heard a new set of hooves trot in the opposite direction.
Interesting.
That should be "lip" right?
Personally, I think you did a fantastic job with laying down the premise of the story. I had some doubts while reading the prologue, but the first chapter did a good job laying those down for a bit. You got something here for sure.
EDIT: Well okay after giving both chapters a second read, I feel like there are some things to be addressed. For one, I want to literate that the prologue doesn't really add much to the story cause it's the same exposition as MLP FiM's first episode. In fact the description of the story itself is pretty much the same as the beginning of the prologue, so can't say I'm too happy about that.
The first chapter felt good to me at first but that's because I realize it had way better exposition than the prologue chapter, but it's still too much exposition. It doesn't set the pacing of the story right and leaving more of the plot as a mystery would be a bit better.
Not to mention that Celestia's motives as a villain aren't properly shown even as Luna explains her evil sister's greed. Why the greed though? Why has it grown inside Celestia in the first place?
Perhaps Luna assumed too quickly and doesn't know the whole truth behind Celestia's motives, but from a reader's standpoint it bothers me that Luna doesn't show or tell us and Twilight that she doesn't know Celestia's reasons well. It's also fishy that to believe that Celestia would want to control the night so badly. Does she really gain much at all from antagonizing Luna for control of the moon? While I do understand this is only the first chapter, I felt this issue could have been handled more properly.
Like perhaps if the ponies were actually nocturnal instead of day dwellers, it would give Celestia more reason to be selfish.
The story so far but there are a few problems that you neglected or didn't notice.
One: Why didn't Luna fix the moon after it was destroyed or use the Elements of Harmony to stop it from destroying the surface?
Two: Why did the Resistance come up in general?
Three: Why didn't Luna bring the Elements of Harmony Underground and instead leave them in Canterlot?
These can all be easily solved though in two ways.
One: make it so that Luna hated The Elements of Harmony after they were used. Give it something like, "It was able to stop my sister but not able to save her." Filled with grief and sorrow she took it out on the Elements of Harmony and decided not to bring them underground or use them ever again.
Two: Have the part of Celestia watched over the day and the awake and Luna watch over the moon and sleep be more meaningful. The resistance thought that Luna was jealous or that they just like Celestia more because Ponies are naturally daytime creatures, something like that.
It's not my place to tell you how to write a story I wouldn't to be telling you any of this stuff however if I didn't want your story to succeed because I like the premise and where it's going. That being said just take this one saying I heard, or rather read, a while ago and keep it in mind in your future writing.
"Always write as if the reader has no idea what anything is"
7100035 Good catch! I'll fix this. I have some volunteer proofreaders, but things can slip past. If anyone notices any other mistakes like this, let me know and I will go back to fix them.
7100042 Too much exposition? Hmm. Okay, yeah. Definitely more than the prologue for sure. I can see why that's coming across as lengthy. I will consider moving some of that into the prologue to better equalize how much is in each chapter. I don't want to overwhelm anybody here. As for your questions about Celestia and Luna, see my response after this one.
7100088 I'll respond to each of the issues you addressed.
One: Why didn't Luna fix the moon after it was destroyed or use the Elements of Harmony to stop it from destroying the surface?
This event happened 1000 years ago. For me, Luna was too young to even be capable of restoring the moon. I feel like even in the present, she still couldn't. Do you recall Luna and Celestia fighting off the storm in the season 6 premiere? This to me seems to validate my rationale. If they can't even repel a storm against the Crystal Empire, then rebuilding an entire moon would be seemingly impossible. In regards to using the Elements, this will be covered in a future chapter. I'm not going to spoil it, but... she couldn't use them. More details soon.
Two: Why did the Resistance come up in general?
The Resistance was responsible for the war that changed the face of the world forever. This also isn't the last time we'll talk about them, either. Stay tuned ;)
Three: Why didn't Luna bring the Elements of Harmony Underground and instead leave them in Canterlot?
I know you and Chaotic Nocte had questions about the two sisters, so let me explain them as best I can. The Elements of Harmony are essentially kept hidden in this castle. As to why, I cannot explain at this moment in time. You will learn more about the reasoning in upcoming chapters. Thank you for caring about this story and I will do my best to address the "Always write as if the reader has no idea what anything is." I have some conflict with spilling all the beans in this because I also want some things to be open-ended. It's trying to find a balance. I like your criticism a lot, actually. These are things that I can't say I think about as I am writing. You're more than welcome to give me more feedback with each new chapter.
Four: Why the greed though? Why has it grown inside Celestia in the first place? It's also fishy that to believe that Celestia would want to control the night so badly.
Excellent. You're asking the right questions. I intend to touch upon this more very soon. I am making sure I am VERY critical of the relationship between Celestia and Luna, since this story is heavily dependent upon that.
7100666 I'm glad you're taking our criticism well. In any case, I'm more than happy to stay for the ride.
I like that the ponies have evolved to live under ground.