James is an ordinary 20-year old man. He's depressed with the state of his life. And he just so happens to be a master at using a Katana. He's probably the only human who wants to live a boring life and nothing else
On his way back from another failed relationship, however, James's Boring life is destroyed when he's sent to the magical land of Equestria, seemingly through his own death.
Follow James as he struggles to uncover what happened to him...and how he can be walking, talking and fighting....when every doctor he meets claim his heart isn't beating.
Chapters (6)
Very unlikeable "OC". A Marty Stu that's clearly a wish fulfillment vehicle for the author.
7046705 I think you summed up displaced fics
7046705
How would you do it then?
Before I even get into the story, I already dislike it. The description is confusing/illogical. Like, why does he want to live a boring life? I never met one person who would realistically want to live a boring life. Especially if such person has that many things to do.
The story's premise is unoriginal as well. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a story basing around a human who's a cosplayer that gets teleported to Equestria for unknown means, because he died. Believe it or not, but this formula has been done over and over til it was just beating a dead horse.
But because I am a fair man, I will still read the story and give you my final judgement. ^This was merely my observation on the first appearance.^
7047073
Of course! This might seem strange but I didn't like it the moment I published it. I have been on Hiatus for a long while and am only just getting back into writing.
I am debating rewriting the first chapter as it does seem a bit boring.
I hate to ask but would you mind giving some pointers on what could be done to improve this?
Ugh. I got through the first chapter, which surprisingly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I fact it was great.......til the human came in. As what Hamster_Master said, this character is extremely dislikable. For instance, there was nothing regarding his past, his life or anything at all for this character, other than he's an impatient gaming cosplayer. That's it. And when he came to Equestria....Oh Celestia the cringe!!! What pissed me off the most about this "human", is that his entire character itself changes to something different completely. He was once an irritable impatient man, who is then turned into a grinning confident warrior? In the matter of one transportation??? There was no development for him at all! That reaction of his coming to a whole new world after a god d###m light hit him out of nowhere baffles me, for that is not how any human would react! It doesn't have a bit of realism. At all.
Other than that horrible protagonist though, the story was interesting and intriguing. It needs a gore tag though. Also a better, more realistic transportation please? Having a white light hitting him is a lazy concept.
I'd rate this a 4/10.
7047079 It isn't a boring chapter. Illogical and slightly irritating, but not boring. You've capture d my interest with the whole attack on Ponyville, but you lost it when you showed the protagonist. Reasons explained.
I hope I didn't come off like an ass. It's just...baffles me that this human, the protagonist, would be this dislikable prick who has an identity crisis.
7047103
Yeah the character is something I screwed up on. I wasn't really sure if a should give him a backstory yet since I tend to go overboard with depressing backstory
7047108
No you weren't an ass. It pays to be an honest critic so I have no complaints about the comments. I'm not some loser who'll get butthurt if someone claims they dislike my story.
Many of my characters suffer one problem or another that I have. IN this case I was aiming for a cahracter who is pissed at himself since he doesn't know what he's doing in life
7047111 Backstory, whether depressing or not, is okay to have in your story. In fact it is actually needed in a story. Otherwise your character would just be an uninteresting static character. I don't hate the story, I hate the protagonist. My advice to you is add some depth into the character. In James. Give him a chapter or two solely on himself and his life so we have a better understanding of his overall character. Cause without that it just seems rushed.
7047119 In truth he was rushed. Not sure wether you've read my other stories but I have other characters with variations on his name such as Jay.
As I said, they're all based off things about me so in this case, he seems depressed about the state of his life
7047119 Hi. So i finally re-edited the chapter. Would you mind re-reading it so I know if I did anything wrong
lmao, is that intended or just a typo?
7047635 Intended. Its bad grammar I know. Love your icon by the way XD
7047635
Sorry about that. Had it changed
i dont know why this has such a bad rating it seemed good to me. actually iv seen alot worse with better ratings so i am confused.
7048992
Most of the bad views come from the original piece which wasn't very good
7049847 ahh ok
7050274 Hope youll stay with it though. I'm trying to continue writing
7050687 oh i will it not eer day you see a story start with diamond dog invasion to be killed so much fun
This seems like it could be good, aside from the errs in grammar and spelling, and the occasional awkward sentence. However, I must point something annoys me quite a bit.
I will use this as an example. It contains a number of problems. Do you wish to see a changed version?
"Now Rainbow Dash," she said, tapping the rainbow-maned pegasus on the side. "That's not a very nice way to act. He did help save Ponyville." Rainbow Dash turned to look at the unicorn, but at the stern look Twilight Sparkle gave her, the protest she clearly wanted to let loose died on her lips. "Now," the purple unicorn said, turning back to James. "Let me do the introductions." The unicorn pointed to Rainbow Dash. "You already know Rainbow Dash." She then pointed at the white unicorn. "This is Rarity." Then the orange pony. "Applejack." The cream pegasus. "Fluttershy." Finally, the pink pony. "And to finish, we have Pinkie Pie!" The pink pony leapt as her name was called, landing in front of the human, an almost insane smile lighting her face.
Now then, here are the 2 main problems with what you wrote: 1:You capitalized far too much. Unicorn, pegasus, pink, pony, white, and orange are all ordinary words, and none are pronouns/names, so don't capitalize them. 2: The hyphens. How many did you put in? 7. How many belong? One. Pony names don't contain hyphens. Also, Applejack's name is not AppleJack. It's Applejack.
Awesome chapters you are doing a amazing job. I can't wait to read the next one.
7054929
Thank you for the comment. It does still need some work but...hopefully It'll get better
7056102 Your welcome and don't worry about what people say get to you, write the best that you can and so far you are doing a amazing job.
7057461
Agreed this is one of the first of its kinds of stories I've read on this site, and I've read over a thousand stories on here and follow over 200 authors. Keep up the good work.
7058431
thank you for the comment but as people on here have said, this story isnt the best I've written
Hey, this story was added to Absolutely Disgusting. Why isn't it showing up in the group list?
7061182 No idea. Why are you being a troll instead of actually helping the story improve?
7061888 You think that's trolling? Are you serious?
7062050
Sorry my replys so late, had to do something.
Listen pal, I know the story sucks. You don't have to keep saying that or mentioning you think its disgusting.
If I'm wrong then I apologize.
I'm not trying to act butthurt or anything, but surely you can understand getting a little peeved when someone calls your story disgusting
Your chapters are going great. keep up the good work i'm excited to see more.
7062118 I appreciate the support but from what people have said about this story, I'm not sure it deserves it
7062120 Well it is your story. if you want continue then go had and if you want to get rid it then I understand and so far I like your story.
7062165 Thanks pal, it means a lot
7062167 your welcome.
7062111 It's a group. I wasn't saying anything about the quality, I was wondering why said group wasn't appearing.
7062285 Yes but what I meant to ask is it a group for bad fics?
As too why it isn't appearing, I have no idea...
As a side note: you left a comment on my other story about the military?
What sort of military did you expect to see so I can improve it in the re-write?
7062418 As to your first question, yes.
As for your other story, it came across as being very poorly researched. It felt like your only knowledge concerning the military came from video games/entertainment, instead of prior service/books/blogs/journals.
7062630 Fair enough on the first point.
As too your second point, yes. My knowledge of military structure comes mainly from video games and entertainment.
Judging by the over-capitalization and the hyphens still in the pony names, you don't give two iotas of a shit about my comment on the previous chapter. This story is not bad. It's not the best, and there are still my two major qualms that I wrote above, along with problems with punctuation.
7064636 Before you go judging what I give two shits about, how about you explain where exactly these problems are occuring. Before I upload these chapters, I write them on word followed by auto correct.
I have tried to change these problems but I don't see what else I can do.
Not to make excuses, but most of my stories are just practice for me, trying to help my improving in writing
7064676 Here's a crazy idea, bear with me on this. Instead of using auto-correct as the sole proofreading process, you also read it yourself and fix whatever got left behind.
Madness, I know.
7065303 Is that sarcasm? because it's not funny. I already know how shit I am as people tell me daily about my failures. I should just end it all shouldn't I, release all of you from the pain of reading my shit. Is that what you lot are saying? You're saying the smae as the people I talk too daily. That I should finish myself off? Gladly
7065332 Calm down. No need to go all Lightning Sword on us, it was just a suggestion.
7065340 "Go lightning sword on us" youthink thats fucking funny?
7065345 He's a user here on FIM. You haven't heard about him? Go look him up on Foals Free Press.
7065350
I know exactly who he is. He is a friend of mine on here. What I am trying to say is....You think a person trying to kill himself is funny?!
Yeah real funny isn't it! You just sit there laughing at me, just like the rest of them do, laughing at how much of fucking failure I am. Yeah I know I'm shit. Nice to have it confirmed
7065379 I don't know about you, but I don't see any laughing images, lols, or keks in any of my prior comments. Why are you making things up?
7065390 Why are you being a jerk now on both my stories and my blogs? Is the idea of me killing myself so appealing that you wanna make me do it?
7065391 Again, how exactly does proofreading what you've written equate a desire for you to dust yourself?