Killed With Kindness

by Mr. Grimm

Spike Brings Donuts

Twilight carefully levitated Spade towards the middle of the living room, where Spike was setting out an old stool for him to sit upon.

“Thank you so much,” said the cadaver, “I really appreciate this.”

“No problem,” Twilight mumbled as she tried to avoid spilling anything out of the gaping wound near his hind quarters, “I’m really sorry about your leg.” The floating corpse smiled pleasantly at her.

“Oh, it couldn’t be helped,” said Spade, “I had a run-in with a dog last night on my way into town. The old girl nearly tore it off before I managed to get away.” Twilight caught a glimpse of several cone-shaped holes near his hoof as she set him down on the stool. The unicorn was very thankful that she had managed to carry him all the way from the kitchen without letting so much as a drop of blood hit the floor. She turned to watch Spade as he gently pushed his leg back into place, carefully realigning the edges of the torn skin. He looked up at her with a grin.

“May I please borrow a needle and thread?” he asked quietly.

“Of course,” replied Twilight as she magiked open a cabinet and pulled out a sewing kit. She took out a long spool of red thread, and a sturdy needle that would suit the revenant’s needs.

“Thank you,” said Spade as she handed him the supplies.

“You’re welcome,” said the purple mare as she sat down in her favorite chair. Spike sat nearby, still unsure of what to make of the new houseguest as he threaded the needle, humming as though it would help him concentrate. Twilight winced as he made the first puncture into his rotting hide, and twitched as he pulled it through.

“I feel a bit like the Helhest,” said Spade as he made another loop. Twilight’ ears perked up as she heard the word. It sounded familiar, as if she’d heard it a long time ago, but could not for the life of her recall what it meant. Fortunately she didn’t need to ask, as Spike did it for her.

“The what?” he asked as he raised an eyebrow.

“The Helhest,” said Spade, “Or Death, as he’s most commonly called.” Twilight realized for the first time that not only was Spade an example of Necromantic magic rarely seen by pony-kind, but, in his postmortem status, he might have knowledge of what lay beyond the realm of the living.

“Mr. Spade,” she asked quietly, “Have you seen Death?” Spade looked up, though his forelegs continued stitching his wound.

“Well,” he said thoughtfully, “I guess you could say we met once. This was some time ago, a little after I started my travels. Some time in mid October, about two months after I died.”

“Why didn’t you meet him right away?” Spike asked skeptically, “Isn’t that why he’s called Death?”

“He’s more of a--oh, what’s the word--a Psychopomp.”

“ A figure that leads the spirits of the deceased to the afterlife,” Twilight explained to the still uncertain Spike.

“Exactly,” continued Spade as he worked the stitched around a particularly troublesome angle, “I was halfway between Hoofington and Coltucky when I saw him standing in the road.”

“What’s he look like?” Twilight asked eagerly, partially for scientific reasons, and partially because she wanted to avoid Death if she ever came across him.

“Well, he stands on three legs,” answered Spade, “So he tends to make a little noise when he travels. He also looks a bit like myself, in the fact that we’re both cadaverous, except he’s far taller than I am.” Twilight leaned forward, taking in this new information.

“So what happened?” Spike asked, eager to know the rest of the story, “You said you met him. Did he say anything to you?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact he did,” said Spade, “He asked me if I had any oats.” Twilight raised a questioning eyebrow.

“What would Death want with oats?” asked bookish mare, partially to herself.

“He likes oats, apparently,” Spade said with a shrug, “I told him that I didn’t have any on me, but that I’d seen a farmer selling some back in Hoofington. He thanked me for my time and stumbled off.” Spike sat back, looking a little disappointed. Twilight, however, wished to know if Spade had any more encounters with supernatural beings outside of equine perception.

“Have you ever met a ghost?” asked the curious unicorn. Spike gave her an incredulous look.

“I thought you didn’t believe in ghosts,” he said, a smug smile spreading across his face. Twilight shrank into her chair as her face turned red.

“Well,” she replied sheepishly, “I didn’t believe in revenants either until last night.”

“Ah, ghosts,” Spade said fondly, “I can assure they’re as real as you are. Have you ever heard of the Headless Horse?” Both Twilight and Spike looked upon him with awe.

“The Headless Horse is real?” sputtered Twilight, who up until this point had always assumed the grotesque apparition was merely a legend.

“Very real. I actually met him last Nightmare Night, when I was traveling through Tarry Town.” The cadaver paused for a moment, as if recalling something. “He’s a rather silent fellow. I even tried speaking some Germane, but I couldn’t get a response out of him.” Spike seemed very excited by the topic of conversation, as he found the Headless Horse to be one of the only awesome things about pony folklore.

“Does he really chop off heads?” the dragon asked zealously. Twilight shot him a disapproving glare, but secretly she wanted to know just as badly as her assistant did.

“Well, he tries to, but there’s that matter with the bridge and all.”

Twilight was about to ask another question when she heard a loud knock on the door. The unicorn’s eyes suddenly grew wide with realization. She had been so caught up with the current events that she’d completely forgotten she’d invited her friends over for a late breakfast. Twilight shot a panicked look over at Spade, who was still in the middle of reattaching his leg. She was quite aware that her friends might not be too keen with the idea of a corpse, albeit a friendly one, in her living room. Worse, they might suspect she was using her magic for questionable purposes.

“Oh,” said Spade as he heard the knock, “Do you want me to get that?”

“No,” replied the purple mare as she rose up from her chair, “Um, Mr. Spade, would you mind stepping…” Her voice faltered as she looked at his mangled limb. Twilight looked back at the door frantically. Spike was now just picking up on her desperation, and stepped up beside her. He wanted to help, but he was just as devoid of ideas as Twilight was. A thought suddenly struck the unicorn as she spotted the rug beneath her hooves.

“Mr. Spade,” she said with a smile, “I’m afraid that I forgot to mention that I’m having company over--”

“Say no more,” said the cheerful cadaver as he managed to pull himself from the stool, “I understand completely. I’m terribly sorry if I’ve mussed up your plans. Where is it that you’d like me to hide?”

“The basement,” said Twilight, “I’ll take you there.”

“Oh, that’s quite alright,” said Spade as he stood on his wobbly legs, “You need to get ready, and I don’t want to be a bother.” Twilight saw that he was managing well enough as he was nearly finished sewing his leg back on, and decided to indulge his request.

“Alright,” she said hesitantly, “The basement door is down the hall, the last door on the right.”

“Right then,” said Spade as he started down the hall, “See you later.” Twilight turned to Spike, her mind now assessing an even bigger problem.

“What are we going to do for breakfast?” she muttered as she bit her frowning lip. The dragon, not accustomed to being asked questions by her, did not know what to do at first. But his green eyes suddenly lit up as an idea sparked in his brain.

“Donuts,” he replied, trying to speak in the dignified way that Twilight usually spoke when she answered his questions, “Everypony loves donuts. I’ll go grab some from Sugar-Cube Corner.” Twilight was at first reluctant to agree with him. She had promised her friends an old fashioned breakfast made from scratch. But seeing as she had no time, she didn’t really have much of a choice.

“Fine,” she sighed, “Just tell them to put it on my tab.” Spike nodded, and quickly scooted to the back door. In the mean time Twilight cantered over to the front door. She was greeted by five pairs of shining eyes upon opening it.

“Good morning, Twilight,” came the melodious voice of Rarity, “How are you doing on this fine day?” Twilight somehow managed to scrape together a calm, friendly smile, despite the enormous stress that was bearing down on her nerves.

“I’m doing great,” she replied, “Why don’t you all come in and take a seat in the living room?” She stepped aside and allowed her friends to enter the library, and closed the door a little too loudly once they were in. Fluttershy yelped and leapt in the air.

“It’s nice tah hear yer havin’ a great mornin’,” drawled Applejack, “Winona’s sicker than, well…a dog. I think she got a taste o’ somethin’ she wasn’t sposed to last night.” Twilight paused as she heard this, but shrugged it off.

“Ooh, Twilight,” called Rarity, who had stopped in the middle of the living room sniffing the air, “Does my nose deceive me, or are you making pancakes?” Twilight was instantly in front of the kitchen doorway, blocking the white unicorn’s path with a forced smile.

“Well, no, I mean, actually yes,” she spouted, “Spike and I had pancakes for dinner last night.” This earned her an odd look from her comrades.

“Oookay,” said Rainbow Dash, “Seems legit.”

“Hey Twilight!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she looked at the stool in the middle of the room, “Why’s there a stool there? There wasn’t a stool there yesterday. Or the day before. Are you remodeling? Can I help?”

“No, Pinkie,” said the unicorn as she levitated it out of the room, “I just put it there temporarily.”

“Why?” the pink mare replied curiously.

“Just because,” Twilight answered. The unicorn let out a sigh of relief as Pinkie Pie took this as an acceptable answer. She then turned to address everypony else, as they were sure to start wondering where breakfast was.

“Twilight, darling,” said Rarity as she sat down on a couch, “I know this is rather short-notice, but I was wondering if you could come over and help me with a little project I’m working on. I need somepony to model for me, and I think you’re just the mare I’m looking for.” Twilight almost frowned as she heard this. Modeling for Rarity was like being a puppet in stop-motion movie. Every other second the white unicorn would be making minor adjustments to the pose she wanted, thus making the whole ordeal last for hours.

“I’m, uh, afraid I can’t today,” she replied, “I’m seeing somepony today.” The moment the words were out of her mouth, Twilight wished she’d worded them differently. The unicorn cringed as she saw the amused smile that came across Rarity’s face.

“Who might this ‘somepony’ be?” Rarity asked as she leaned forward. Twilight looked up at the ceiling, and then down at her hooves.

“Well, he’s--”

“He?” chimed Rarity, “Ooh, Twilight, is he anypony I know?” Twilight squirmed uncomfortably as she noticed everyone else was paying close attention to the conversation. Applejack and Dash were exchanging astute glances, while Fluttershy blushed a little. Pinkie Pie, on the other hand, was only paying attention because of a fly that had landed on the wall behind Twilight‘s head.

“No,” Twilight blurted out, “Rarity, it’s not like that-”

“Of course it’s not, darling,” the white unicorn said with a wink as she put her foreleg around Twilight’s shoulder, “So, where did you meet this ‘somepony’?” Twilight was so nervous that she blurted out the truth, which somehow sounded worse in the current context.

“He showed up at my door last night asking for directions,” she mumbled. Fluttershy’s face turned a bright red as she tried ignore the uneasiness of the statement. Applejack and Rainbow Dash both suppressed their urge to snicker. Pinkie, who was only vaguely aware of what was going on, smiled blankly. Rarity, being an absolute sucker for cheap romance novels, let out an excited squeal.

“Oh my,” she giggled, “How unusual. So, where was he going?” Twilight was on the verge of telling them that she had a corpse in her basement to avoid further awkward inquisition. Fortunately, at that moment, Spike strolled into the living room with a large paper bag in his claw.

“I’ve got breakfast!” he called as he held the bag in front of him. Twilight sat back and let out a sigh of relief. Everypony raised their collective eyebrow at Spike.

“Hey, what gives?” asked Dash, “I thought you said you were gonna make us breakfast!”

“I’m…I’m sorry everypony,” Twilight breathed humbly, “It’s just that…Well, I overslept.” Everyone in the room gasped, looking at Twilight as though she’d actually told them that there was a corpse hiding in her basement.

“You?!” cried Rarity, “Oversleep? That doesn’t seem possible!”

“Are you sick? Do you need help?” Fluttershy asked as she suddenly appeared by the unicorn’s side. Twilight suddenly realized that she was looking into a window of opportunity. If she played sick, her friends might leave her alone long enough to help Spade. Though she knew that she would feel guilty about lying--she already did, as a matter of fact--it was the only way she was going to get it done. The unicorn let out a feeble cough, and slumped over in her seat.

“Now that you mention it,” she said weakly, “I do feel kind of under the weather.”

“Well of course you do,” said Pinkie Pie, “We’re all under the weather, silly. It’s up in the sky!”

“I’d better take your temperature,” mumbled Fluttershy, “Just to make sure you didn’t come down with anything serious. Do you have a thermometer?” Twilight was about to shake her head no when Rainbow Dash spoke up.

“Sure she does,” said the cyan Pegasus, “She’s got a whole bunch of first aid stuff in her closet.” Dash knew this from the time she’d accidentally crashed into Twilight’s house during a bad storm, and Twilight had to patch her up until she could go to the hospital. Twilight watched as the Pegasus flew down the hallway, desperately trying to think of a way to fake her temperature. She heard the closet door swing open, which was followed by a loud, girlish scream, and a friendly voice that made Twilight’s pupils turn into pinpricks.

“Oh, hello.”

Almost instantly a gray, mangy figure came rocketing out of the hallway and crashed into the wall with a sickening crack. Everypony screamed as it fell to the floor in a heap. Dash appeared out of the hall, her eyes wild and terrified. She pointed a trembling hoof at the crumpled form of the creature.

“ZOMBIE!” screeched the Pegasus. She, along with Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity, crowded around Twilight in a huddled mass as the corpse slowly rose to his unsteady hooves. Rarity clamped her forelegs around Twilight’s neck with such force that it was beginning to cut off the mare’s circulation. Spade, by now, was able to face them, and gave an apologetic look at Twilight. He opened his mouth to say something, but was suddenly bucked into the wall by Applejack.

“Go for the head!” cried the apple farmer, “They’re powerless without their heads!” There was an aqua streak in the air as Rainbow Dash plowed into Spade, who was once again trying to climb to his hooves. This time he was sent into a bookshelf, and a small avalanche of tomes tumbled off of the top shelf to land on his head. Twilight wanted to scream at her friends to stop, but Rarity’s death grip around her neck prevented her from speaking. She watched with horrified eyes as Pinkie somehow produced a metal folding chair out of nowhere and slammed it with such force over the revenant’s body that it bent in half. Twilight turned to Spike, her eyes pleading. She found the dragon looking reluctantly at the skirmish, nervous he might injured in the crossfire.

Twilight somehow found the strength to pry Rarity’s forelegs from her neck, and inhaled a huge gasp of air.

“STOP IT!” she screamed as Applejack, Dash, and Pinkie were suddenly enveloped in sparkling purple force fields. They turned back to look at the unicorn, shocked at the betrayal.

“Twilight, what are you doing?” cried Dash, “That thing’s gonna kill us--”

“He’s not going to kill us!” snapped Twilight, “His name is Mortimer Spade, and he is one of the nicest ponies I’ve ever met!”

“Do you really think so?” asked the revenant as he slowly crawled out from beneath the pile of books. Twilight’s friends turned to look at the cadaver with their eyes and mouths agape.

“It talked!” cried Pinkie, “They’ve evolved! We need to stop it before it learns how to use a shotgun!” Twilight face-hoofed and walked over to help Spade to his hooves.

“Thank you, Ms. Sparkle,” he said cheerfully. Twilight steadied him, making sure his bad leg remained in place.

“Everypony,” she said for all to hear, “This is Mortimer Spade. He is a revenant, not a zombie.”

“He looks like a zombie to me,” Dash muttered aggressively.

“Well, you see, revenants and zombies do have a strong resemblance,” said Spade, “But I assure you, I am not a zombie.”

“Twilight,” Rarity asked, just now coming out shock, “Why was there a corpse in your closet?” Twilight felt herself shrink as her friends cast suspicious eyes at her.

“That was my fault,” Spade answered, “She asked me to go to the basement, but I took the wrong door and locked myself in. I’m always doing things like that, I’m afraid.” Though he was well intentioned, Spade’s answer only served to fuel the suspicion.

“Why is he even in your house at all?” Fluttershy whimpered, “Twilight…have you been practicing the Dark Arts?”

“No!” cried the unicorn, “He came to me for help! Fluttershy, I would never mess around with stuff like that!”

“It’s true!” said Spike, who had now decided that it was safe for him to step in an defend Twilight, “Twilight said he showed up here asking for directions last night!” Spike, understanding the delicateness of the situation, neglected to mention that the corpse wished to find his murderer.

“But what does a corpse want with directions?” Rarity said with a shiver, “He’s supposed to be resting in peace, not taking a vacation across Equestria!”

“He can’t help the fact that he’s still alive,” sighed Twilight, “He just is. Think about that for a moment. He’s just like any other pony, except, well…”

“In postmortem form,” added Spade. Twilight gave everypony in the room a smile, hoping with all her heart that they would understand.

“Twilight,” Rarity muttered, her face contorted with disgust, “He’s leaking all over your floor.”

Comments

[iowaforever]

"He is not a revenant, not a zombie"
If he isn't a revenant or zombie, then what is he?

[Chatoyance]

“Winona’s sicker than, well…a dog."

I just about choked on my iced tea with that one. Revenant leg - not the best thing for a dog, I expect!

[RedvsBlue327]

I'm really starting to like this fellows constant great level of optimism! Prehaps something to do with his grave digging job? When your making the final resting place for many ponys, and having to interact with mourners, I guess you have to stay happy in order to combat the depression.

What could possibly have driven somepony to kill him.

Wait, maybe a grieving fellow, who lost sompony particularly special to them, met Spades, and Spades positive mood got to them?

Oh boy, this story is really sucking me in!

[Shock and Awe]

He's so courteous after nearly being beaten to death again

[jar'o'mayo]

Sweet Celestia, what won't this guy take? Does he just assume he's the universe's Butt-Monkey?

[Woolytop]

779231 Considering his reaction to his leg being snapped off, I kind of doubt any of this is much more than a minor inconvenience to him.

[Greenjack]

I can't wait for the next chapter! keep 'em coming!

[A mess]

This story is dead isn't it
LIFE! Y U SO IRONIC!

[Mr. Grimm]

1690476

Tell me about it. This is my highest rated story. And I'm having trouble going forward with it.

WHY?

[The One and only One]

[ClosedDing]

1690495 You could have someone send a letter to princess Celestia. Celestia meets him and helps him find what he's looking for. Freaks out over having a murder in her kingdom in her reign. Hunts down the murderer. Spade gives him/her the dagger unless the murderer was already dead. Murderer is then sentenced to moon banishment. END.

[SmileyRat]

You know, I have always suspected that Twilight had some skeletons in her closet.

[s1]

1690495

“Go for the head!” cried the apple farmer, “They’re powerless without their heads!”

Was that a Scary Movie 3 reference?

[Frazzled Pony]

This is oooooo good. Such a nice revenant. And everyone seems perfectly in character. I love the fact that Twilight correctly predicted that the girls would think it was her fault.

More!

Happy writing.

[TipTopEquestrians]

Love this story so much!! Please update!!

[Yutah123]

“It’s nice tah hear yer havin’ a great mornin’,” drawled Applejack, “Winona’s sicker than, well…a dog. I think she got a taste o’ somethin’ she wasn’t sposed to last night.” Twilight paused as she heard this, but shrugged it off.

Ooh, so Winona is the dog who attacked Spade. She must have eaten some of his rotting flesh.

“Why is he even in your house at all?” Fluttershy whimpered, “Twilight…have you been practicing the Dark Arts?”

Drama, yay!

[Mewlover]

This was AWESOME! KEEP UP THE MARVELOUS WORK!