I'm 10% hydrogen, 18% carbon, 15% concentrated power of will. 3% nitrogen, 65% oxygen, and a 100% reason to remember the name.
No doctor can find a cure. Magic does nothing but delay the inevitable. Whether cursed or simply sick, the fact remains. Princess Celestia is somehow dying. It's a race against the clock as Night Mist, the most famous detective in Equestria (or just Ponyville) desperately tries to find answers before its too late. Will he discover the source of the illness in time or will Equestria lose its beloved princess forever?
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well, as far as we know Celestia (and luna) as an inmortal has eternal youth and she's inmune to "natural causes" (diseases) yet she can be murdered, so the answer could be simpler than expected
791031
There's a difference between immortality and invulnerability. Celestia is immortal. She never ages to a point of death, but she can still suffer from injuries and the like. Remember her battle with the Queen Chrysalis?
Explanations aside, I'm intrigued as to where this will go. Favorited to read later
A few things:
-In some spots you have 'should of'. The correct usage is 'should have' or 'should've'.
-Another thing was 'then' when you needed 'than'. 'Than' is the one you use when you are comparing objects.
-When you have one character addressing another directly, you need a comma before their name. Like so: "I swear to Princess Celestia, Night Mist,"
-You did a fairly good job of showing us how Night Mist is a super-famous detective, rather than just telling us that he is. One problem that I did see, though, is that I feel like you were hitting us over the head with it through the whole chapter. It seemed like every other scene had something to do with how famous this guy is, and that kind of got annoying after a while.
-In my opinion, this story could be benefitted by extra description and exposition. I understand that getting right into the action can work (and it does work here), but there is still room for detail. For example, there was not one iota of description about the train car, the place where most of the action takes place. You could really use that to give us, the audience, a feel for the atmosphere in the train; is it a gold-plated, luxurious, nose-in-the-air type of train ride? Or is it a gritty, dark, wild-west-desperado type? Or something else? We miss out on a good way to get into the story when detail is missing.
All in all, I shall be watching this. I want to see where you take it.
Hey! You have a knack for writing interesting taglines. I felt compelled to read, and it seems like an idea with lots of potential.
Here's a few of the things I noticed:
My first impression was that the three characters you introduced were enemies; this doesn't seem to be the case. Also, you bull rushed the readers with these characters. They're up and doing plot related things WAY too fast. I have no idea who they are or why I should care about them. Spend more time on characterization. Also, it's a good rule of thumb to never introduce multiple characters at the beginning of a story.
You made one particular grammatical error multiple times: "Hello Character 1 how are you doing?"
"I'm doing great Character 2."
Do you see it? No commas before the characters address each other. "I'm doing great, Character 2."
As is, these grammatical mistakes might draw more downvotes than your work might get otherwise.
I really appreciate the brutally honest feedback. Now I see why most people upload the chapters one at a time. I'll fix the errors you all pointed out and try to be more descriptive.
791608
No worries! I'm sure that Tom and myself weren't trying to brutalize your story, but I assume you already know that.
796465
Truly 'tis so.
yeah I knew that. what I meant was that you were both completely honest.
oh and chapter two is now here.
I lol'd at last line
Advice:
Carrying over from chapter 1, I saw several spots where commas were missing from speech; ex, "thank you Night Mist" needs a comma after 'you'. Also, I still think you could use more description of their surroundings: it might sound silly, but I like to know a LOT about where the characters are when I'm reading.
And new to this chapter I noticed you tend to use periods when ending dialogue with speech tags; that is, you tend to use "'...Celestia sleep all night, of course.' he responded flatly.". Instead of the period after 'of course', you need a comma, not a period. You only use periods there when you do not have a speech tag associated with that particular line of dialogue. (a speech tag is anything along the lines of 'he said', etc.). There were a few spots that were missing proper capitalization, as well.
Also, I found it a little strange that night mist was able to get into the fight so quickly after he was being strangled; I thought that you kind of glazed over the injury part, especially since there's no mention of it at all after he gets off the train.
If there is one thing, though, that I can impart to you in this comment, it is this: do NOT use author's notes in your stories unless they contain extremely important information relating to something that is outside the story (but still relevant to it). Otherwise you are treading dangerously close to telling us more than you show us about your story. It becomes 'such and such will happen in the story, etc.'. Plus, it's very unprofessional, and many readers, myself included, find them highly annoying, as they break the flow of the story.
One thing that I think you are doing fairly well is character; I can already get a feel for Night Mist and his personality, and aside from the one issue I pointed out above, I find him to be a rather believable and like able character. The same goes for Frazzle and Sharp Wing as well, but not quite as in depth just yet.
@Brony Tom:
Thanks again for your feedback. I fixed all the comma errors in the dialogue I could find and deleted the author's note. I think you're right about needing more description. I ran chapter three through the spelling and grammar check in microsoft word and made sure to do better at painting the scene. Let me know what you think!
The plot thickens.
811384
You've done quite well with chapter three. The description of the rooms was a welcome addition; we know now where we are, and that greatly helps your flow. Particularly good was the scene in Celestia's room; you really set the scene well there. On the flip side, though, I thought we could use a bit more detail during the first half with twilight and the others; I found it a little jarring when you said Sharp and Frazzle couldn't see Night's face because of the darkness, since I never knew it was dark to begin with. If it was in the last chapter, then I would advise you to do a short little recap-type thing close to the beginning, so we are reminded of where we are.
Grammar errors were few and far between; that word processor really helps.
Otherwise, I'd say you've got this down pretty well. Your pace is quick, perhaps a little too much so. I would be bothered if you didn't have your characters well-defined, but you do, so I don't consider this part too problematic. I think, if you wanted to challenge yourself, you could add more a bit more description.
The plot thickens.
Well shit.
I- but- you can't-
Garrrrrrr. Talk about a cliffhanger at the end there.
Anyway, this chapter wasn't that bad. There were a few mistakes in dialogue, like missing " and lack of commas in speech.
I wait for the next chapter. I expect it tomorrow, okay?
Such an ending is just mean.
That happened too fast. Pace yourself.
886426
), this was a whirlwind of activity. While I understand the need for an action-packed finale, this chapter would benefit greatly from a bit of a slow-down, or maybe a bit of extension. (Considering, of course, that the heroes go from nothing to solving the crime in about four pages or less)
Agreed. While most everything else was nice (I saw lots of detail!
As for the plot, I love what you've done with this. The part where he reveals where the curse is coming from is just awesome, and the made-up spell? Priceless. Although, I have to say, how did Twilight figure out who it was if the spell wasn't real?
One thing I noticed is that you seem to be getting much better at showing us things through details instead of telling us. In particular I am referring to the sudden change of eye color of a certain pony...
@Choas Light and Brony Tom:
Thanks again for your feedback. As for Twilight Sparkle figuring who it was, she didn't. The idea was that she assumed a wizard was responsible and floated the crown towards all of them in hopes that the culprit would blow his cover. Basically, it was a bluff. Perhaps I should go back and make it more clear...
The thing is, it feels a little strange editing a chapter after everyone who was going to read it has read it. I doubt anyone would read it twice. I think what I'll do is learn from your feedback and try to improve my writing skills in the future.
889366
It wasn't very clear, no. As for the rewrite, it's up to you. I personally like for my writing to be as good as I can get it, so I rewrite often, in case any new readers happen to start reading.
This is very good!
Favourite from me, wonder if you'll write more...
@Fiorella:
Thanks, I must admit I'm surprised its still getting views after such a delay in the updates. I haven't forgotten about this fic! It's just that I made the foolish mistake of starting another story. (which is now much longer and nearly finished
) Yeah, yeah, I know, amateur move on my part. From now on all my fics will be completely written out in entirety before I start updating.
Yes! New chapter!
But... now its all over...
Good fic, very good fic.
Pretty short story overall, but I liked it.
Planning any crazy sequel adventures for them?
That was good.
It's very fast, even for the climactic scene. Also, That eruption needed a bit of clarification... I kept getting this picture in my head of a giant explosion of magma and ash, which would seem to contradict the lava flow type that you were going for. I mean, honestly, it was like the lava just appeared suddenly. In general, I thought this chapter could use some more description. As it currently stands (and I guess this kind of applies to my opinion of the story as a whole) I don't think it has enough depth to it; what I mean by that is that the world/setting isn't made rich enough to draw us in. Not every story needs this, of course, but I think yours would benefit from having it.
Your characters, while I think they could be improved upon, are memorable and fairly well-defined, particularly through their actions. The story line was sound, in my opinion, and I especially liked that the villain really wasn't a Big Bad, but a less evil, just-out-for-revenge kind of guy. I think that dynamic alone did/could have added lots of depth to the story. (though, I do have to wonder how Aurora acquired access to such powers as he had, as I don't believe the story explained that...)
That said, I did enjoy reading this, and I would like to congratulate you on finishing this story. By that simple act, you are already ahead of many, many authors (myself included) who have yet to get that far. It's been a fun and productive read, so if you publish anything else in the near future, I'll have a look at it.
@AAAAAAB:
Night Mist, Sharp Wing, and Frazzle Spark will be back in a longer story, although its more of a stand alone thing than a sequel. And there won't be month long gaps between updates.
@Brony Tom: Once again your advice is very helpful. I've been extra careful with descriptions, pacing, and other things in my upcoming story because you've helped make me aware of my weaknesses. Quite frankly, I like the one I'm working more than this one, and I hope you (and anyone else reading this) will too when it's finished.
i am from Egypt, i was dating a girl for over 3 months, everything was going fine till we went for picnic, there she met with her ex, through t out the week we spent there, i never new he was seeing her ex, when we came back her behavior change totally, i began to see strange changes in her, she began to find fault in every means to split up from me in other to get back with her ex, so one very morning we had a conflict and she told me that she is no longer interested in our relationship any more, that she is tired, she packed and left me after 3 weeks i saw her with her ex, i became so angry, i broke down in tears, i felt like killing myself because all what we had was like a dream, i loved her so much and needed her back into my life so i went into serious searched in the net for relationship advise there i mistakenly came across some testimony about a spell caster prophetharry@ymail.com how has helped many people get back there lover so i contacted him and to my surprise prophet harry casted a spell and the next 3 days, my lover came knocking on my door telling me that she is sorry for what she did, that she wants me back and that she wants to be with me and no other person but me, in my whole entire life i have never seen such like this spell, i never new spell can bring back my lover in 3 days, if i knew i would have done it long time ago before going through this heart break, big thanks to prophet harry
kaylalee
Interesting mystery - the solution was simple but very fair.