A very well written chapter, although it seems a slight bit rushed, as if you did not truly explain why Zecora just accepted Twilight's love for Spike (not that there is anything wrong with that for one bit, you know me) just saying though, and you used the word 'um' a few more times then what was really....nesscary. I love this story, you know that bro and I'll review each and every chapter but try not to make it as rushed as this one semed, alrght? On to the next one!
That, um, thing was kind of intentional, if a bit overdone, lol. Imagine the most uncomfortable Fluttershy possible...
This one seemed rushed? Jeez. I was trying desperately hard to progress more slowly... Any tips on how I can slow things down? I'm kind of like a race car with no brakes huh?
I mean, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to slow down the progression...
LOL, well you could have explanied Fluttershy's and Zecora's emotions on Twilight falling for Spike (soem may not like that the two different creatures wish to be in a romantic light with one another) some may accpet it, (can't spell!) some it may take some time to adject but in all cases they each have their own views on the subject and being friends with someone like Twi they wil be more then glad to give their opions on such.....love. Yes, writing is indeed like driving a race car with no brakes, you take the wheel and I'l be the one trying to find out how to put the cart back together when it's completely bucked up.....then I'll forget about the cart and start reading more of your story...it's what I do.
I'd probably have an easier time creating conflicting emotions on the whole twispike thing with Rainbow Dash and Rarity, but with Fluttershy things are difficult, since she doesn't speak up very much, and Zecora, well, lets just say I had an hard enough time to keep rhyming on every single sentence. Rhyme isn't my strong suit. Since I didn't give a first person viewpoint on any characters thoughts other than Twilight herself, the only characterization technique I had left was dialogue. What I was trying to do (successfully or not, you tell me.) with Fluttershy was to show a caring, accepting, sympathetic friend, who did not judge Twilights choices at all, or at least did not verbalize any judgement she may have. With Zecora, I tried to show understanding of the situation with an overall acceptance of interspecies relationships. Basically, I wanted the whole "Spike is a dragon and Twilight is a pony" thing to be of no particular importance to Zecora, with the actual relationship itself being the main point she focused on. If this was not entirely clear, can you elaborate on how I could have improved on portraying this without going into the characters thoughts, and only using dialogue and/or the actions of the characters.
What I would also like to know is, did I portray Twilights own mental processes and the progression from impulsive affection and love, to denial, to acceptance, smoothly, or was it overly abrupt?
752500 You did perfect, on every account bro, you seriously got it all down and I had no problem understanding yuor words once you explained them to me...I'm hoping that you will keep writing...also “She fell in love with her dragon assistant?” had me laughing my ass off once Twi said that about Zecora
1,742 words, WOOHOO!
Tell me how you guys like it!
A very well written chapter, although it seems a slight bit rushed, as if you did not truly explain why Zecora just accepted Twilight's love for Spike (not that there is anything wrong with that for one bit, you know me) just saying though, and you used the word 'um' a few more times then what was really....nesscary. I love this story, you know that bro and I'll review each and every chapter but try not to make it as rushed as this one semed, alrght? On to the next one!
752311
I think I love this story as much as Spike Loves Twilight.
752373
That, um, thing was kind of intentional, if a bit overdone, lol. Imagine the most uncomfortable Fluttershy possible...
This one seemed rushed? Jeez. I was trying desperately hard to progress more slowly...
Any tips on how I can slow things down? I'm kind of like a race car with no brakes huh?
I mean, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to slow down the progression...
752397 Ahh...understandable then.
LOL, well you could have explanied Fluttershy's and Zecora's emotions on Twilight falling for Spike (soem may not like that the two different creatures wish to be in a romantic light with one another) some may accpet it, (can't spell!) some it may take some time to adject but in all cases they each have their own views on the subject and being friends with someone like Twi they wil be more then glad to give their opions on such.....love. Yes, writing is indeed like driving a race car with no brakes, you take the wheel and I'l be the one trying to find out how to put the cart back together when it's completely bucked up.....then I'll forget about the cart and start reading more of your story...it's what I do.
I'd probably have an easier time creating conflicting emotions on the whole twispike thing with Rainbow Dash and Rarity, but with Fluttershy things are difficult, since she doesn't speak up very much, and Zecora, well, lets just say I had an hard enough time to keep rhyming on every single sentence. Rhyme isn't my strong suit. Since I didn't give a first person viewpoint on any characters thoughts other than Twilight herself, the only characterization technique I had left was dialogue.
What I was trying to do (successfully or not, you tell me.) with Fluttershy was to show a caring, accepting, sympathetic friend, who did not judge Twilights choices at all, or at least did not verbalize any judgement she may have. With Zecora, I tried to show understanding of the situation with an overall acceptance of interspecies relationships. Basically, I wanted the whole "Spike is a dragon and Twilight is a pony" thing to be of no particular importance to Zecora, with the actual relationship itself being the main point she focused on.
If this was not entirely clear, can you elaborate on how I could have improved on portraying this without going into the characters thoughts, and only using dialogue and/or the actions of the characters.
What I would also like to know is, did I portray Twilights own mental processes and the progression from impulsive affection and love, to denial, to acceptance, smoothly, or was it overly abrupt?
It was really good
walkamileinmyboots.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/anchorman.gif
762325
Is that supposed to be a positive or negative reaction? I can't quite tell if the guy is in ecstasy or anguish...
762766 thats my feelings, im not sure
763163
That's good. I was trying to portray seriously mixed up and confused emotions, so, I guess I succeeded.
752500 You did perfect, on every account bro, you seriously got it all down and I had no problem understanding yuor words once you explained them to me...I'm hoping that you will keep writing...also “She fell in love with her dragon assistant?” had me laughing my ass off once Twi said that about Zecora
Just a quick note.
You need(ed) a proofreader.
Several sentences you had were redundant. Like this one:
Knocking on the door, she heard Zecora trot up towards the door.
how the fuck do you have the patience to write in the way that damn zebra talks?
979310
i know right and I've read stores with multiple 10,000 word chapters with her rhyming.