Francois
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This is my first ever fiction, inspired by an urge to write down something. I have no idea how far I'll get with this, or how fast I'll be able to write another chapter. (I'm actually in the middle of exams right now, so time is fairly limited.) The poetry is my own, and the first poem I ever wrote. It is a slightly modified version of what I wrote for a girl a while back. The girl ended up rejecting me though, and it hurt me quite a bit, but with the whole experience I gained a love for the Japanese form of poetry called Haiku.
In any case, I hope to take this further, but I will not elaborate on my ideas for this fic to much, and I will rely on feedback to see where I should take it next, and at what speed. It might end up totalling just over 1000 words, it might end up going on for many many chapters, I'll see how it goes.
Feedback is appreciated, but please note that I have no proofreader (anyone who would like to proofread for me, please send an PM.) and I had no time to revise my story.
If you have any ideas for where I should take this story, feel free to post them.
This is good and the poetry is really well written, i dont think theres anything bad about this story... the only thing i could say is that half the language in it would have been far from spikes vocab considering he didnt even know what the word precipice meant.
So, another chapter... Didn't think I'd write this fast.\
Heck, I never thought I'd be able to write more than 2000 words...
Now I'm at 2802... How'd that happen?
Good work sir
Also
swfchan.org/472/moar%20bird.jpg
Don't worry, MOAR coming. But I'm going to need a bit more time for the next instalment. I totally skimped on the studying today to work on this thing... Not to mention, I have no idea where I'm going to take this next.
730281 Well it's a start. you're doing good!
Love this ship even if it's got clop in it but it's not just twilight molesting spike
738417
I believe in love, and if I add clop to this (a possibility, but I'll have to get some feedback from the readers first.) it will be rooted in true love and nothing less.
It is to soon to say if there will be any clop. Heck, it is too soon to say how this will work out in the end...
We will just have to wait and see. Where this is going is a mystery to me as much as to the readers.
I think I will like this story. Too bad about me and poetry, everyone says poems are beautiful but whenever I read one I cant figure out what they mean. Obviously this one is about Spikes love for Twilight but as always when I read it I cant figure out the connection or meaning of the actual lines.
1,742 words, WOOHOO!
Tell me how you guys like it!
A very well written chapter, although it seems a slight bit rushed, as if you did not truly explain why Zecora just accepted Twilight's love for Spike (not that there is anything wrong with that for one bit, you know me) just saying though, and you used the word 'um' a few more times then what was really....nesscary. I love this story, you know that bro and I'll review each and every chapter but try not to make it as rushed as this one semed, alrght? On to the next one!
752311
I think I love this story as much as Spike Loves Twilight.
752373
That, um, thing was kind of intentional, if a bit overdone, lol. Imagine the most uncomfortable Fluttershy possible...
This one seemed rushed? Jeez. I was trying desperately hard to progress more slowly...
Any tips on how I can slow things down? I'm kind of like a race car with no brakes huh?
I mean, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do to slow down the progression...
752397 Ahh...understandable then.
LOL, well you could have explanied Fluttershy's and Zecora's emotions on Twilight falling for Spike (soem may not like that the two different creatures wish to be in a romantic light with one another) some may accpet it, (can't spell!) some it may take some time to adject but in all cases they each have their own views on the subject and being friends with someone like Twi they wil be more then glad to give their opions on such.....love. Yes, writing is indeed like driving a race car with no brakes, you take the wheel and I'l be the one trying to find out how to put the cart back together when it's completely bucked up.....then I'll forget about the cart and start reading more of your story...it's what I do.
I'd probably have an easier time creating conflicting emotions on the whole twispike thing with Rainbow Dash and Rarity, but with Fluttershy things are difficult, since she doesn't speak up very much, and Zecora, well, lets just say I had an hard enough time to keep rhyming on every single sentence. Rhyme isn't my strong suit. Since I didn't give a first person viewpoint on any characters thoughts other than Twilight herself, the only characterization technique I had left was dialogue.
What I was trying to do (successfully or not, you tell me.) with Fluttershy was to show a caring, accepting, sympathetic friend, who did not judge Twilights choices at all, or at least did not verbalize any judgement she may have. With Zecora, I tried to show understanding of the situation with an overall acceptance of interspecies relationships. Basically, I wanted the whole "Spike is a dragon and Twilight is a pony" thing to be of no particular importance to Zecora, with the actual relationship itself being the main point she focused on.
If this was not entirely clear, can you elaborate on how I could have improved on portraying this without going into the characters thoughts, and only using dialogue and/or the actions of the characters.
What I would also like to know is, did I portray Twilights own mental processes and the progression from impulsive affection and love, to denial, to acceptance, smoothly, or was it overly abrupt?
Holy shit. This is going to be amazing.
It was really good
walkamileinmyboots.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/anchorman.gif
762325
Is that supposed to be a positive or negative reaction? I can't quite tell if the guy is in ecstasy or anguish...
762766
thats my feelings, im not sure
763163
That's good. I was trying to portray seriously mixed up and confused emotions, so, I guess I succeeded.
752500 You did perfect, on every account bro, you seriously got it all down and I had no problem understanding yuor words once you explained them to me...I'm hoping that you will keep writing...also “She fell in love with her dragon assistant?” had me laughing my ass off once Twi said that about Zecora
So, um, new chapter.
I hope I don't take this long for the next one. I was quite busy lately, so I didn't really get time to write, and when I had time, I had no motivation...
On another note; 6,660 words. Dum dum daaa.
Cliffhanger great next update please
B-B-But I just... http://www.fimfiction.net/story/34286/The-Twilights-of-Our-Hearts *Face desk*
807421 Keep going even if the ideas are similar there still different paths and outcomes.
807460 Thanks Rainbow Spike.
807466
807421
The world needs more TwiSpike.
Keep going at it.
I like the romantic dreams angle.
Oh, and the stories will almost inevitably have different outcomes. (You'll all just have to wait and see.)
BTW, I hope you don't mind if I don't read it till I've finished my story. I'm not reading any TwiSpike shippings till I'm finished with mine, as I don't want any other stories influencing me right now.
807482 I SALUTE YOU SPILIGHT SUPPORTER! *Soviet Twilight Salute*
And yeah more than likely...
738417 If the love is mutual, no moleste. (can't find the accent for the e...)
The poem earnt you a watch my friend. That is amazing prose you have there.
HOLY SHIT I'M FEATURED!
807506 Yep, and that's how I got here. Congratulations on that by the way. Now, I really like this story, but i just have one teensy weensy problem. Applejack. Her characterisation is a little off. Not by much, so it doesn't really matter, but may I suggest more abbreviations?
And yes, I agree with you on the fact that the world needs more Twi/Spike. Anyway, I'm really enjoying this, and I hope to see more soon ^.^
MUST COMMENT: Brain full of buck. IS BEST REFERENCE
807506 That's how I found out about this...
807539
Yea, I know about that. I tried harder with Applebloom... My inner grammar nazi doesn't like typing in a southern accent.
807466>>807610 I completely agree with that, the world does need more Spikelight....and we gentlemen are going to be the one to bring it to them....weather they want it or NOT!
Also, Cois, you got a few spelling and grammer errors that can easily be corrected, other then that, PINKIE PIE,. WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
My brain just became fried, and Rainbow Dash just seems a small amount of OOC, I mean I like the way she speaks but she is more like a tomboy that hates big words rather then...how she acted, ya know?
Ice, meet Cois, you two are both very great Spikelight writers, so I'm hoping you and for all of our sakes keep up the love!!!
have somepony, or somedragon, as special as you. When ever some talks about Dragons in that way, they use drake instead of dragon
I'm afraid I can't really enjoy this fic.
The premise is good and the chain of events is ok, but everything is so... well, for lack of a better word, perfect. There is no conflict, no uncertainty, no question about what's going to happen. All their friends support them instantly and unconditionally. It's hard for me to stay interested in such a story.
Also, A lot of the characters lines are significantly different from their normal speech patterns. AJ sounds a lot like Rarity (especially when she says "darling"), and Dash sounds just like Twilight should in most of her lines.
Finally, overall the whole thing feels a bit awkward and rushed. A lot of the scenes could use a bit more filling out.
Sorry for the negative feedback, but I didn't want to leave a down vote without a reason.
This is a very nice idea.
The premise for the fic is a rather good one. Also, on a very related note, it has been a while since I've seen a good Spike X Twilight ship.
807672
Spelling errors?
WHERE!? I must eliminate! Can't find anything with spell checker that wasn't intentional. (For accent and speaking style.) Please tell me where exactly I can find those pesky mistakes.
On the OOC Rainbow, a lot of that stuff was intentional. ("dose of carbohydrates and saturated fats") Because I feel that since she is a fitness fanatic, she should know about stuff like that. It is true that she doesn't actually speak like that though. Oh, and I personally make a distinction between descriptions of mental states and actual spoken words. Dash will never use the word befuddled, but that does not mean she cannot BE befuddled...
Oh, and Aburi, feedback much appreciated. As someone new to writing stories, it is good to get constructive criticism. Although it is nice to know that I can write well, I do need to know where I can improve. On another note, however, I kind of needed a fic without all the bullshit in it for my own sake. Life has enough drama as it is, and in this particular story, I want to have tons of internal drama inside the characters themselves, but with their friends acting like friends, and helping them out. Now that they have sorted through most of their internal drama, the external drama can be dealt with, in what ever form it may come...
807805 Dude, I'm no editor, but they are really easy to find you just got to look for a bit. Also, I understand what you mean about Rainbow's speech, and I agree, still seems a bit odd but yuor right. Keep going with this.
748813
I think this can in some cases be because poetry (to me anyways) is meant to convey more emotion and feeling in fewer words than a story would. Out of curiosity, do you sometimes have the same difficulty with music?
As a note, I found the repetition of some words in the poems to be...well, not only redundant, but highly annoying. Some choice excerpts:
NOTE: I am not saying the prose is bad, merely that I don't understand the reasonings for why it was written as is.
She is a diamond,
diamond, diamond in the rough
inside she does shine
Why is diamond used 3 times here? it makes no sense to me.
Love shall cut diamond
and diamond shall shine true
and love will be known
Diamond finds diamond...
through love we shape each other
and our love shines true
You do it again in those two cases.
your eyes mesmerize
me in profound ecstasy
you enchant my soul
you enchant my soul
to the end of all that be
you enchant my soul
You use the line enchant my sole a bit too much here. It not only doesn't make sense to me, it seems amateurish and like its there to fill space.
that's all I found that really bothered me thus far.
EDIT: Also, not only is this a bit short, but it seems to be going awfully fast. First chapter, and already Twilight's in love love with Spike just from reading some poetry. Heck, Spike's bit at the beginning could probably use some expansion. I would most definitively expand the bit for Twilight, if nothing else. She needs to go thru a number of emotional stages. Heck, some commentary on what she thinks of some of the lines would be a really nice tie in.
Hope you don't get upset reading this, just telling ya how I think this could be improved.
Oh, and finally, one last thing...
Please put spaces between your paragraphs. It does not help the feeling of the chapter being short when everything is scrunched together.
This is a really cute story, and I'm looking forward to the non-party-shindig thingy.
807850
In the poetry, there is a very definite reason for the repetition of "diamond." Diamond having symbolic meaning including but not limited to: Timelessness, untainted, authentic, indestructible, beautiful, marriage, true love, perfection, formed through intense pressure, thus symbolising passion, resilience, and a whole buck load of other things.
The repetition of "you enchant my soul" is for phonetic reasons. A chant being something that is repeated over and over to entrance and/or bewitch. Somewhat related to hypnosis. Not to mention, when said out loud with passion, as it is meant to be, it just sounds right. The poetry was not written for this story originally, but was actually written for a girl I loved. (Note the 'ed'.) I edited it slightly to fit better in the story, but other than that, it is the original. This was the first ever poem I wrote, and although it is not my best poem, especially since it is the first poem I've ever wrote, it holds much meaning to me.
On the story itself. I agree the first bit was rushed, overly short, and a whole lot of other things. A lot of emotions that I intended to convey where not conveyed successfully, it was far to short, and all in all could have been better. Up until this story, I was entirely unaccustomed to any peace of writing bigger than an shortish essay or a sketch, and moderately short articles. The longest peace of fiction I have yet to write before this, was under 600 words. (And very, very bad.) Originally this was going to be "Twilight found Spike's poetry and then they bucked messily and passionately" but it became a much bigger work than I expected. When I am completely finished with it, then I might expand the first few chapters into something more significant. Right now though, I'm just writing and posting one scene at a time. In the end I might merge chapters, edit chapters, and who knows what.
this looks interesting... I await the next chapter
Nice premise, I also somewhat like this ship. Feels a little forced, though, at least in Twilight's case.
And yeah, although I don't like poetry in general, this poem is... to put it mildly, not very good, in my opinion. Then again, English is not my native language, so maybe to your eyes it looks good and you're used to this kind of verse and rhyming. Sorry.
808287
It is actually not in an English format. That might be why some people find it a bit off. It is actually a Japanese form of verse, without rhyme or metre. It is not an English, or even European form of poetry at all. It is Haiku, which, when written in English, consists of 5 syllables followed by 7, followed by 5. In it's original Japanese form, it is written in something they call ho, which is similar to syllables, but not quite the same thing.
Edit: And I would like to add that not all "haiku" written in English follows the strict 5:7:5 format, often writing anything with 17 syllables or less, and calling that "haiku", due to the difficulty in writing coherently in this format. Also, a single 5:7:5 peace is considered one haiku, normally written by itself as a single "poem". I merged 13 haiku's to form a single whole.
807850
Actually now that you mention it, yes I do have that problem with music. I certainly enjoy music but I rarely understand what the song is trying to convey.
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