This is my first ever fiction, inspired by an urge to write down something. I have no idea how far I'll get with this, or how fast I'll be able to write another chapter. (I'm actually in the middle of exams right now, so time is fairly limited.) The poetry is my own, and the first poem I ever wrote. It is a slightly modified version of what I wrote for a girl a while back. The girl ended up rejecting me though, and it hurt me quite a bit, but with the whole experience I gained a love for the Japanese form of poetry called Haiku.
In any case, I hope to take this further, but I will not elaborate on my ideas for this fic to much, and I will rely on feedback to see where I should take it next, and at what speed. It might end up totalling just over 1000 words, it might end up going on for many many chapters, I'll see how it goes.
Feedback is appreciated, but please note that I have no proofreader (anyone who would like to proofread for me, please send an PM.) and I had no time to revise my story. If you have any ideas for where I should take this story, feel free to post them.
This is good and the poetry is really well written, i dont think theres anything bad about this story... the only thing i could say is that half the language in it would have been far from spikes vocab considering he didnt even know what the word precipice meant.
I think I will like this story. Too bad about me and poetry, everyone says poems are beautiful but whenever I read one I cant figure out what they mean. Obviously this one is about Spikes love for Twilight but as always when I read it I cant figure out the connection or meaning of the actual lines.
748813 I think this can in some cases be because poetry (to me anyways) is meant to convey more emotion and feeling in fewer words than a story would. Out of curiosity, do you sometimes have the same difficulty with music?
As a note, I found the repetition of some words in the poems to be...well, not only redundant, but highly annoying. Some choice excerpts:
NOTE: I am not saying the prose is bad, merely that I don't understand the reasonings for why it was written as is.
She is a diamond, diamond, diamond in the rough inside she does shine
Why is diamond used 3 times here? it makes no sense to me.
Love shall cut diamond and diamond shall shine true and love will be known
Diamond finds diamond... through love we shape each other and our love shines true
You do it again in those two cases.
your eyes mesmerize me in profound ecstasy you enchant my soul
you enchant my soul to the end of all that be you enchant my soul
You use the line enchant my sole a bit too much here. It not only doesn't make sense to me, it seems amateurish and like its there to fill space.
that's all I found that really bothered me thus far.
EDIT: Also, not only is this a bit short, but it seems to be going awfully fast. First chapter, and already Twilight's in love love with Spike just from reading some poetry. Heck, Spike's bit at the beginning could probably use some expansion. I would most definitively expand the bit for Twilight, if nothing else. She needs to go thru a number of emotional stages. Heck, some commentary on what she thinks of some of the lines would be a really nice tie in.
Hope you don't get upset reading this, just telling ya how I think this could be improved.
Oh, and finally, one last thing...
Please put spaces between your paragraphs. It does not help the feeling of the chapter being short when everything is scrunched together.
Nice premise, I also somewhat like this ship. Feels a little forced, though, at least in Twilight's case.
And yeah, although I don't like poetry in general, this poem is... to put it mildly, not very good, in my opinion. Then again, English is not my native language, so maybe to your eyes it looks good and you're used to this kind of verse and rhyming. Sorry.
I felt awkward reading this... but I will continue to keep an eye on it.
I always thought of Spike more like Twilight's son, albeit adopted, which is probably my own misgiving and feeds into the awkwardness of the story. But that's me, the reader's fault.
i.qkme.me/3on5c8.jpg It might be because I'm a fast reader, but it seems like you introduced the story and then threw the relationship in our face. In other words, it moved waaaay too fast.
Im not an expert in poetry but how the poetry was made was pretty good. sure theres alot of repetition but its makes it like more realistic that lil spike wrote. It looked simple but it felt like he gave his heart and soul to it oh spike is just swag
i dont know if i can finish this. Not to say its bad, but I'm not one for stories that have the pair both realize their feelings but one thinks of some out of the way reason that keeps them apart that deals with internal conflict. Now i have no idea if this is a clop, or a clop story so I will not rate just yet. Maybe later I shall come back to this.
Um... The pacing is fairly terrible. ;] Though it'd need a lot more content to improve, I suppose... As far as clop-related introductions go, it's okay-ish, but... Unless this isn't clop but rather a "story that involves sex" - in which case, this is atrocious. ;D
you fill me with love my breath a heavenly fire fueled by your essence
Illuminated your quintessential beauty inspires poetry
Here I ask your love and as our hearts become one being wakes and time stops.
These last three don't quite work, as they all have 6 syllables in their last lines. Fueled is two syllables, inspires and poetry are each three, and being is two.
This is my first ever fiction, inspired by an urge to write down something. I have no idea how far I'll get with this, or how fast I'll be able to write another chapter. (I'm actually in the middle of exams right now, so time is fairly limited.) The poetry is my own, and the first poem I ever wrote. It is a slightly modified version of what I wrote for a girl a while back. The girl ended up rejecting me though, and it hurt me quite a bit, but with the whole experience I gained a love for the Japanese form of poetry called Haiku.
In any case, I hope to take this further, but I will not elaborate on my ideas for this fic to much, and I will rely on feedback to see where I should take it next, and at what speed. It might end up totalling just over 1000 words, it might end up going on for many many chapters, I'll see how it goes.
Feedback is appreciated, but please note that I have no proofreader (anyone who would like to proofread for me, please send an PM.) and I had no time to revise my story.
If you have any ideas for where I should take this story, feel free to post them.
This is good and the poetry is really well written, i dont think theres anything bad about this story... the only thing i could say is that half the language in it would have been far from spikes vocab considering he didnt even know what the word precipice meant.
Love this ship even if it's got clop in it but it's not just twilight molesting spike
I think I will like this story. Too bad about me and poetry, everyone says poems are beautiful but whenever I read one I cant figure out what they mean. Obviously this one is about Spikes love for Twilight but as always when I read it I cant figure out the connection or meaning of the actual lines.
Holy shit. This is going to be amazing.
738417 If the love is mutual, no moleste. (can't find the accent for the e...)
The poem earnt you a watch my friend. That is amazing prose you have there.
748813
I think this can in some cases be because poetry (to me anyways) is meant to convey more emotion and feeling in fewer words than a story would. Out of curiosity, do you sometimes have the same difficulty with music?
As a note, I found the repetition of some words in the poems to be...well, not only redundant, but highly annoying. Some choice excerpts:
NOTE: I am not saying the prose is bad, merely that I don't understand the reasonings for why it was written as is.
She is a diamond,
diamond, diamond in the rough
inside she does shine
Why is diamond used 3 times here? it makes no sense to me.
Love shall cut diamond
and diamond shall shine true
and love will be known
Diamond finds diamond...
through love we shape each other
and our love shines true
You do it again in those two cases.
your eyes mesmerize
me in profound ecstasy
you enchant my soul
you enchant my soul
to the end of all that be
you enchant my soul
You use the line enchant my sole a bit too much here. It not only doesn't make sense to me, it seems amateurish and like its there to fill space.
that's all I found that really bothered me thus far.
EDIT: Also, not only is this a bit short, but it seems to be going awfully fast. First chapter, and already Twilight's in love love with Spike just from reading some poetry. Heck, Spike's bit at the beginning could probably use some expansion. I would most definitively expand the bit for Twilight, if nothing else. She needs to go thru a number of emotional stages. Heck, some commentary on what she thinks of some of the lines would be a really nice tie in.
Hope you don't get upset reading this, just telling ya how I think this could be improved.
Oh, and finally, one last thing...
Please put spaces between your paragraphs. It does not help the feeling of the chapter being short when everything is scrunched together.
Nice premise, I also somewhat like this ship. Feels a little forced, though, at least in Twilight's case.
And yeah, although I don't like poetry in general, this poem is... to put it mildly, not very good, in my opinion. Then again, English is not my native language, so maybe to your eyes it looks good and you're used to this kind of verse and rhyming. Sorry.
I felt awkward reading this... but I will continue to keep an eye on it.
I always thought of Spike more like Twilight's son, albeit adopted, which is probably my own misgiving and feeds into the awkwardness of the story. But that's me, the reader's fault.
i.qkme.me/3on5c8.jpg
It might be because I'm a fast reader, but it seems like you introduced the story and then threw the relationship in our face. In other words, it moved waaaay too fast.
felt a bit rushed when twilight told spike she loved him...
Im not an expert in poetry but how the poetry was made was pretty good. sure theres alot of repetition but its makes it like more realistic that lil spike wrote. It looked simple but it felt like he gave his heart and soul to it oh spike is just swag
Very good pacing, but it's a little too descriptive for my tastes.
Never mind that; this is a highly successful narrative. Twilight/Spike is hard to do convincingly, and this does it justice.
i dont know if i can finish this. Not to say its bad, but I'm not one for stories that have the pair both realize their feelings but one thinks of some out of the way reason that keeps them apart that deals with internal conflict. Now i have no idea if this is a clop, or a clop story so I will not rate just yet. Maybe later I shall come back to this.
... so, some people say it has good pacing, huh.
Um... The pacing is fairly terrible. ;] Though it'd need a lot more content to improve, I suppose... As far as clop-related introductions go, it's okay-ish, but... Unless this isn't clop but rather a "story that involves sex" - in which case, this is atrocious. ;D
These last three don't quite work, as they all have 6 syllables in their last lines. Fueled is two syllables, inspires and poetry are each three, and being is two.