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Twilight was desperate, she wanted nothing more than a chance. She searched high and low for one and finally she found one, but at what cost will this chance come? Is her dream really worth it and can she trust what she found to follow through with its promise.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Decent start, only real problem is that I personally feel like twilight would have asked what the consequences were before hand. Otherwise, nothing to note
Seems rushed and could use a little more individual detail rather then overall detail
Otherwise, good so far like the previous
Again, rushed
Had minor spelling errors, but every fiction does
Jump from one thing to the next to quickly. Take a breath and slow down a little, speed isn't necessary. [just my personal opinion]
Can't wait to see more though! Keep going
Anything more to the description? I still don't quite follow...
6750232 I am hoping it will be clearer as the story continues and I am polishing it up a little since I have some extra time before the competition ends, that might also help
6752746 That would be helpful yes.
Much obliged.
This one seemed to be a bit more.... Relaxed, in a good way. Felt like you took your time and made sure it was what you wanted. I haven't re-read the first three, so this might not matter, but;
If I remember correctly, the Luna in it was the true Luna. If that's so, wouldn't the evil entity have noticed? Seeing as it has some little control over the entirety of the "dream" meaning each physical entity inside (celestia, pinky, etc.) was under direct influence from it. And since that Luna had nothing to do with the actual dream, making her foreign, and it being the evil powerful being (the entity), it would have noticed Luna and an event would have ensued. Now I could just be reading too much into it, or the real Luna came in at the end and the other Luna was a true fake, or you could mark it up and just say Luna has more dream power then the other to hide herself. Just want to put it in here.
For this one, besides what I said at the beginning, this one only had minor spelling errors. It flowed well and didnt have a rushed feeling to it. Great work!
Welcome to Creepy Town, Population: Celestia
She is insane.
6763469 Luna is probably more powerful than the entity.
Please continue with the story. I want to know how Luna and Twilight are going to talk. I also want to see what else Celestia is going to do to help Twilight get her memories back.