Chapter 1:
A mare tries to find the nerve to confess her love.
She is almost unseen by the public.
Her name isn't ever said... at least she isn't called her name.
Will this great pony notice her?
Is the answer yes?
What'll the answer be when she finally asks?
Will there even be a happy ending?
Chapter 2:
Things seem... Okay.
All they do is eat out and then, they try seeing each-others parents.
Dun dun dunnnn!
Chapter 3:
Foals?! Are you crazy?!
This is a good question:
What would a biological child of two mares be like?
What type of doctor do you call for this miraculous child?
Chapters (3)
hmm...this interests FireFlash. tracking.
What you're doing here can come off as confusing but this isn't bad. It's a little sad but a little funny. I look forward to chapter two
705522
That's all... If more like it I may add another chapter.
The intent was to be a oneshot though.
Let me see what others say, but do you like it as is? Or do you REALY think it needs a better ending... i.e. a sequel.
a derpydash?you have my atention.well, renaming derpy was a little odd for me. not what I was expecting. a little mixt feelings about it. the story idea was exactly what I was looking for; derppy nerviously and secreatly in love with Rainbow Dash. Yet this story feels a little forced. Like you sat down and forced yourself to wright. Beleave me, I like the story idea, but the whole thing feels awquard to me. the way it's written, the way the dialog works out, the flatness in the voice.
Im sorry =/ just offering my opinion. sorry....
Honestly if you were only going for a single scene like that, I would say it is fine with the ending it has. You established the general idea of the story, and brought it to a resolution without really having to go any further. There's really no need to say what happened after that, since it's likely the "crushing on Rainbow Dash" bit is finished with, and that seems to have been the major plot of the story.
If I may, needs a tiny bit of spelling/grammatical/capitalization/punctuation checking. Technical stuff, but I'm anal enough to point things like that out in a published work. Also with the way Rainbow was speaking in her first two sentences, I thought she was Applejack (until the bit about the wings came up). In response to your question at the end, I did not get who "Muffin Top" really was in the first few paragraphs. Though, I think it might have been a bit more intriguing to forego a pseudonym entirely and just describe her mannerisms, coloring, et cetera until revealing her real name.
Derpy's real name is Muffin Top (isn't that what you call it when someone wears pants that are way too tight, and their stomach hangs over it?)?
Rainbow Dash is Scootaloo's mother?
This doesn't make sense.
705607 I think it deserves a 2nd chapter. I'm honestly not a big fan of your writing style but the story itself stirrs me some interest. I would definetly read a 2nd chapter.
705735
Renaming Derpy/Ditzy wasn't really done to just rename. Think (or that is if you hadn't) that a pony who loves muffins and looks almost like a stale muffin with butter... what do you think this character's name is? It has the added benefit of keeping the reader in the dark as to who she is and having an easy way to not get confused with the 'she', 'her', and 'the mare'.
Oh, this story was... big for me.
I'll go back and try to stop the character mixup ... (LOL Appledash)
I was trying to find a way to let out a story I had. Seeing as how I need to work on my writing, me and one other writer here thought it would be a good idea to write one story in each tag. This is the first story of them. I thought I could add a little more difficultly by writing/adding a story in one day. I tried to find an editor... and failed. ( Thank you P+ )
705798
If you'd like to help me edit... PLEASE help. I need it. Have you read a story I edited
705933
Yes you do... and that came form the top part of a muffin... called a muffin top. Are you saying that Derpy hate muffins my good sir.
706187
I didn't know that I'll keep that in mind next time. Thanks for the heads up
706591
Still not sure if I will. I have an idea... but I'd have to ad a NORMAL tag to this... that sounds odd NORMAL SHIPPING.
Thanks for your replies.
Keep them coming!
Sure, I could probably give you a hand editing if you want. Mind you though, I'm pretty anal, so you'd have to promise not to take anything personally. On occasion I invoke grammatical rules I learned in junior high that are so obscure I'm pretty sure nobody even knows they exist
I'd hesitate to do all that on a comment threat unless that's specifically what you want, though.
710990
Thanks... and there are times that I may want anal checks (<-LOLZ couldn't resist).
This is one time that I do want a through check. I did want the diolog to be a little off... but not as bad as what everone has said. The real build for this story (which I may add a few chapters to, working with my dad my mind raced and some very funny things came up) is almost all before anypony, but filly Dash, speaks.
Thanks again!
Fair enough. I just figured it would be appropriate to ask for permission before doing something like that on a comments section that the public can see. Of course the whole point is to be helpful and that's how I regard it, but you know...some people get defensive in the face of critiques like that. I always give more leeway when it comes to actual dialog from characters, because I believe in trying to write the way a character talks over using proper grammar. Just look how Applejack and Applebloom talk in my one published story so far
Anyway, to save time I'm just going to put in my best suggestions. Bear in mind that there are several ways to deal with most grammatical situations -- these are just products of my own advice.
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In Ponyville, a small town filled with many different kinds of ponies, sits one who is trying to make up her mind. There may be others doing the same as her, yes, but she is making up her mind on something big. For many years, she has had a crush on another and has never done anything other than stare, stammer, stumble, and sneak behind objects.
Now, she will find out if this other pony is interested in her or not.
For the moment, she is stuck. All she can do is stare. Sitting down in the outside eatery of a cafe, she is entranced. There are many colors, each one giving her a different vibe as she focuses on it. Expansive. Vibrant. Bold. Daring. Brilliant. Caring. Alive. This mare, that has gotten a secret admirer, is full of color like all the others. But it’s the amount of colors and the emotions the shy mare loves most.
A snap to reality hits as she realises something; no pony ever seems to remember her name. It’s true, she’ll introduce herself and the others all call her something else. ‘Why’s it so hard for the others to call me Muffin Top?’ ponders the gray young pony. The only answer she can find are that it’s either too hard to remember, or that Muffin Top is being made fun of.
The multi-hued pony moves out of sight, and again another thought is derailed. Now Muffin Top follows her love interest, hoping for the right chance to announce her feelings. Seeing the attractive mare fly off into the clouds makes her think back. Back so many years ago.
Then, the young Muffin Top was hiding back behind some clouds. It was a sad day for her. She watched as the oh so wonderful colors said bye to all and, “This place sucks! I’m going to be known as the best! No slow boring old place like this will keep me down!”
It was so sad, if she hadn’t of dropped out then... then this little filly would have had another week before Muffin Top was going to leave. Of course, it wasn’t known that they would live in the same town again. Weak or not, they proved to be useless tears.
Now she watches for an opening in their conversations, a way to say something, a way to not seem needy. She is standing behind some clouds, feeling like a filly again. She watches as a pony starts up another conversation. It lasted a while but it ends much like it started, with Muffin Top not saying anything.
They move to the next place, a bakery. Muffin Top eats muffin after muffin, in hopes it will calm her down enough to confess her love. All it does is make her want more muffins. So she gets a batch of them and watches from the streets yet again. An hour goes by; she can feel others staring at her. Looking around; nothing. Ponies going about their normal daily business.
Muffin Top is now seeing how paranoid she’s being. She sees that this is all ridiculous. She must look ridiculous.
Setting the muffins down on top of a wooden box next to a shop, Muffin Top makes her approach. The other mare sees the blob of gray coming her way and turns to greet her.
“Hay there-”
“I uh, wanted to say something to you-”
“Well shoot, what is it. I’m all wings and ears!”
“Well- Rainbow Dash I- I ah...” Muffin Top is losing the words. The more they speak, the more rapidly it seems that she is losing words.
“You what?”
“Um, I ah...” She has to do something, and fast. The only thing that comes to mind is, “I’ve had a crush on you sense flight camp!” She blurted it out as if it were a shout and not a declaration.
“Oh, ahh, sorry but, ahh Derpy... I have a Stallion and a filly. Little Squirt is, ahh...” Rainbow Dash pauses, trying to think of the best thing to say. “Do I have to explain how Scootaloo was born?”
Muffin Top blushes. “Ah no, sorry I said anything.”
The wondrous beauty lets out a heavy sigh. “Okay, you kinda scared me for a minute. I was worried you may want a three way with Soarin' and me... or something like that. We can still work together right? My saying ‘no’ isn’t going to make you do anything like bring down a building, or making wild weather for me to clean up right?”
“No. I-I um, I’m happy to have an, an answer.”
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Later that night:
Muffin Top is sitting down at her favorite shop... any place with muffins. The moon is down and she can barely see some pony coming up to her table.
“Umm Muffin Top?”
“Yes,” She knows this pony mostly by what every pony else calls her, but knowing how it is for herself in that regard, adds, “Twinkle Shine.”
“No, I’m not as fond of that name as my nick<--name Moondancer. But, um, if you like it better you can call me that too.”
Muffin Top observes Moondancer. ('Observe' and 'looked at' are saying the same thing here.) Shaking, Stammering, and shying away glances. Her mind rears with thoughts of what is going on and what to do. She does what she thinks may be her third brash choice decision of the day.
“I don’t know-”
“Sure.” Muffin Top took in the confused look for a few seconds before continuing. “You wanted to ask me out right. I ah, sorta know how it feels to be let down. So, yes I don’t mind seeing how a few dates go.”
The two shared a few muffins that night.
It was a wonderful way to end the day.
One overall thing -- there are typically two spaces after a period.
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Anyway, I hope I didn't overstep my bounds with all that
Writing in the present tense is very challenging, because you have to be in the moment with the character. For the most part we're all taught to write stories in the past tense, so it is easy to let a few past tense verbs slip by here and there. The trickiest part if you ask me, is that you can't say something like, "Pinkie Pie crept up behind Rarity and tapped her on the shoulder." You could change the tense of the verbs and it would technically be grammatical, but from a story standpoint, if Rarity is your main character and the story is present tense, then she doesn't know that Pinkie is creeping up on her. So, you'd have to say something like, "Rarity feels a tap on her shoulder. It's Pinkie Pie."
Good for you for taking on the present-tense challenge!
It looks like I have to go for now, but I will look over this and make sure it IS what I was meaning (more than likely it is)
Thanks, and no problems. I don't mind being pointed out when I'm wrong.
I did try a few challenges with this one, not just present-tense. I tried a quick back and forth between past and present, writing in one day, and keeping to one tag (that was the hardest for me
)
Oh, and I use two things to type... one of them seems to glitch if you double space, but I know that rule. One writing program, at least, doesn't seem to like it.
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EDIT:
Okay! Done!! TY for the help
I've made the edits and even changed up some of RD's first few lines. Hope it's easier to read everybrony!
For those who may be wondering:
I've posted this part so that someone on an editors board may be able to give me pointers.
I'm still waiting for a reply, but I have asked two others if they would edit it too... waiting on them as well.
If you don't mind horrible errors, fell free to read as is. If you would like to edit, PLEASE DO. I need all the help I can get.
752056
Alright, I have to say this feels quite rushed. One moment they're at a bakery, the next they're talking to somepony named Misty Days who I believe is Muffin Top's mom. What happened in between, and when did you introduce Misty Days as Muffin Top's mom? From reading this, I can tell you struggle with with the same thing I do, and it's something you have to constantly keep in your mind as you're writing: Although you as the author know what you're writing about, your job as the author is to make the reader know exactly what you have in mind. You have to establish a setting, explain how the characters are getting from one place to another, and you need to show the reader exactly what is going on in the story.
Well, there's my two bits, I hope it helps
773875
Ahh, what I was thinking, for your first complaint, was what I learned in my film analyses class...
Don't explain every last detail.
Transitions are your friend.
(and more form comedy) Transitions to the pallor opposite of what is expected is funny. (Think the comedy style used in The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)
I do have a problem thinking that people will get something, but I thought that I had made who Misty Days is clear. I can fix this very easaly... I think.
Thanks for the two bits! I can get an tomato now!
If any one else sees anything else wrong... or think the transition still doesn't seem right, let me know.
I just started to wonder this
who watches or has heard of the censuring of South Parks episodes where they show Muhammad and censured the entire speech that said the moral being; If you let too many groups censure a little each, then all things would be censured. (There was a long BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, as they where saying what they learned.)
I don't really like the Fart Control Center for reasons like this... also I think that if they had their way, they'd send an FCC agent to all our homes and blow horn and degas all our farts... and other things... they're evil!
773951
That's great in film, but not in writing. In film, you don't have to explain everything because the viewer can physically see everything that's happening. In a novel, the author needs to write a story so the reader can visualize a setting and "see" what's happening without a picture to guide them. It's something that I still have to work on, and in my humble opinion it's the hardest thing about writing.
774407
...ah... that sounds odd to me.
Are you saying the first big edit would be kinda like this
“Don’t be silly! I’d love to see your family. Oh, you’re going to love mama!” The pair then set of for the first home to visit.
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After a few minutes of walking, the two enter a home. Little is said, there isn't time for things to be said. One thing's clear; Moondancer does not like ‘mama.’
Or would I have to add even more in.
Oh, wait no, writing.
Yeah that.
The way I had it the first time sounds best to me... but it's not about me, it's about SCIENCE!
775440
That would have worked better, but it's still not quite enough. I had no idea where Muffin Top's mom lived, where the characters were, what the home was like, what part of town it was in, etc. I know that in the long run those are rather minor details that don't add much to the plot of your story, but they help establish a setting so a reader can visualize the story you're telling, and that in of itself can make a story.
775463
Okay. That makes more sence to me
I omitted some things becuse I thought that it might be to much (and Page Turner can tell you, I can get MORE than overboard with details)
Thin that case, I may add in a seen and even A LOT more location details and desctions.
Thanks for the tip, and showing me where I went wrong
775510
That's what the Writer's Assistance Group is for!
Believe me, I struggled with all the same stuff when I started, and to be honest I still do struggle with details. It's easier to point it out in someone else's work than it is to fix it in your own
775608
, We added at lest six things of detail: more patches, different eyes, different ears.
More so for me, it's trying to find the write time for deteals. I may not have the best of words for it, but I can fill up a page with details... look at the description of Doctor Moonstone in my other story Blank. Page Turner had fun going through that... I think thats when he first said, "Wow, that's a lot of detail. Can we cut some if it out?" Aaaand the answer wasn't just no, but we added some things
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/096/7/5/blank__doctor_moonstone_spector_by_gamemakingotaku-d4v7w4e.png
My biggest thing is, again, knowing when to have lots of detail in. I had so much detail of something in Blank, that the entire thing had to be ommited from it's location and moved. It was to creepy.
This time, I thought of what might be nessasary, and failed.
EDIT:
I've made some edits. I added some details, and a scene.
Okay here are some edits at lest.
I had sent this to a few, and only had one help me edit... I'll have to see who it is to give credit though
I don't know if I should put in the G Docs acout name or ask them... so I'll have to get back to you on that.
Thanks to the one that has been editing the G Doc version and primalcorn1 and Twigai for all the help so far.
It just clicked
I didn't give credit the the last editor.
Dream Wings was a big, and fast help.
Thanks goes out to her for the editing.