Muffin Top

by GameMakingOtaku

Muffin Top 2: The Dates

Celestia moves the sun three more times. It was only thought that there would be one or two dates at this point, but they have been... fast. Muffin Top and Moondancer have spent most of their time going out to eat, of all things, muffins.

Now, sitting on their fifth date, the two chat in a sweet shop.

“... Okay, so my idea, I go first,” said Moondancer, waving her donut at herself, like trying to point by waving a fan. “My first big crush was this snuck up griffin!” Her grimace show more hate than her tone. “Canterlot isn’t just a place for great unicorns, it’s also for fliers too. I was going to see the Wonderbolts. This hot griffin sat like right next to me, and I felt my heart explode!” With a wave of a hoof, sprinkles went flying everywhere.

Muffin Top jumped at the sudden attack of sugar, but finished her third muffin still. “Are you okay?!” she asked swallowing the big dry muffin bite.

With reduced enthusiasm, “Yes. That was a figure of speech.” The ivory unicorn quickly returns to her story, and enthusiasm. “So I asked this... … There’s really no good rude name to call her, anyway, I asked her her name. She replied, ‘Gilda, why you want somethin?’ I could feel the regret build up then. ‘A date,’ I said, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID!”

Muffin Top’s was now feeling her paranoia creep in; she could feel eyes on her, lot’s of them. “Ah, ‘no.’?”

“She HUFFED, ROLDED HER EYES and then said, ‘BBBFF’!!”

“What’s ‘BBBBFFF’?”

“I asked that very same thing. She said-” Moondancer stopped to take in a few calming breaths. “ Better Being {a mike is heard be moved around quickly, “Sorry for being late folks. This part is too much for them li’l ones, so please pardon the interruptions.”}, and that would be all.’!” Moondancer’s face is now no longer ivory, but red.

The rather confused pegasus tilts her head. “Wait, she said you could be friends, right? What’s wrong with that?”

Moondancers face hooves. “Do I have to explain what {“Don’t worry folks, still here!”} means?”

Muffin Top darted her eyes, or the best she could at least. With a blush, she answers, “Ah, no.” Muffin Top quickly stuffs her last muffin so that she wouldn’t have to say anything more.

Moondancer sighs and looks at Muffin Top in worry. “I hope that if we have foals, you’re like way better with them than... well other manners.” She starts to finally eat her donut, and looks up at Muffin Top. “Where’d you get that muffin?”

Muffin Top looks down at her breakfast in confusion and then back at her marefriend. “The muffin button.”

“Ah, Where?”

“Don’t all restaurants have a muffin button on March 1st?”

Silence... “No, that’s just odd.”

---------

The new couple walk along the street, looking to see if there is anything to do. Muffin Top had just finished her story about her ‘biggest let down’ from a crush, when she stops and looks almost hurt as she tries to think.

“What is it? Did that rock get you again? Need me to toss it for you?” rattled off Moondancer, as she went to Muffin Top’s side.

“No... I’m thinking. I had an idea, but then I lost it. What was it?”

“Really?” asked a rather un amused lover. Huffing, she adds, “Do you always need to work so hard when you think?”

“Not all the time.” The walled eyed mare looked shocked for a second. “Ooh ooh ooh, I remember now! We should introduce ourselves to each other's parents!” Muffin Top buzzed her wings with glee at the thought.

Moondancer gave a grimace at the thought. “Is that really a good idea? My family is... not that great.”

“Don’t be silly! I’d love to see your family. Oh, you’re going to love mama!”

---------

Moondancer does not like ‘mama.’

They were in a small house near the post office. It didn’t take long for Moondancer to form an opinion of Misty Days as they all stood in the dark blues, lite yellows, and almost gray whites of the living room.

“Oh you just look so adorable!” the loud mom squeed.

“How can you just stand there?!” Moondancer asked Muffin Top. Moondancer was wearing some old clothes that Misty Day once wore. Misty hadn’t waited for Moondancer to put on the old things, but they're on. So is a small... bizarre fashion show.

The gray pegasus flaps her wings in joy. “You look adorable!”

“So help me, if I live through this mad mare’s musty old close... I’ll get you Muffin Top.”

Turning her attention to her daughter, Mama asks, “So what brings my li’l Muffins home?” The lone unicorn went unheard. “Was it to show me you found a somepony like Antie Dimands?” Misty Days has such a fast and high pitch ‘foals’ way of talking, Moondancer doesn't know where to hold her ears of vomit.

“Nope! This is my marefriend, Moondancer.”

The unicorn sees a gray hoof pointing her out. “Yo.” She didn’t sound amused, at all.

“What about that colorful one, Muffins?”

“Wait, ‘Muffins’?” asked Moondancer as she noticed the nickname.

“Oh ah,” Muffin Top’s smile went limp. Moondancer saw this, and a little bit of sorrow hit her face. “She said no.”

The white and yellow pegasus frowns. “Oh, sorry to hear.” And just like that, there was a shift in her behavior. “Oh, so what is this Antie Dimands look-alike like? How have you two been as a couple? Ooh you have to tell!”

“Wait, wait,wait! Hold your horses.” Moondancer slips of the old rags. “Where’s Muffin Top’s dad?”

“Dead,” said Misty Days. Neither her nor her daughter look tiplicaly sad as it was said. “He was working, it was long before those recure things. It was his turn to face the good old fo, brick wall! He had won this battle so many time before, it may just have been his body gave out after that 15,896th job. It was still done. Even in death, he got the good ol’ jobs finished!”

Moondancer frowned at hearing he was dead, but then looking shocked at hearing her marefriend’s laughter upon hearing the last bit said by the light blue and golden maned elder. Recovered from the shock of laughter at death, she says, “Oh, sorry to hear.”

“How can you stop yourself from hearing! Now you two’s love life!” prodded Misty Days, as she gave a big smile to her daughter and uncomfortable guest.

---------

The two are now on a train, to Moondancer’s home. It’s mostly quiet between the two. Muffin Top is clearly too excited to think of anything to say. Whereas, it’s hard to say what is on Moondancer’s mind. She seems to be moody during the ride.

Muffin Top sees something that gets her attention. She breaks the silence, “What do you think those two are up to?” After Moondancer looks where Muffin Top does, she continues, “Ms. Bon, and Ms. Lyra usually stay in Ponyville.”

Almost like the Muffin Top and Moondancer, these two were sitting in silence, but looking as if they were enjoying the peace of it.

“Reading,” stated Moondancer, seeing the book and newpaper they were reading.

Just then, the train stops, and Moonstone looks near the School For Gifted Unicorns. She lets out a sigh. “Let’s get this over with,” she mutters to herself.

---------

They were about to knock on the door. The house was fancy. It was tall and briant. It clearly was made in Canterlot. Decorations line the entire structure of the house, needlessly. Ordermants were all over the house. The most striking thing of all, large statues of Princess Celestia flaked gest that walk down the path to the doors.

They were about to knock on the door. Moondancer was hesitant. They had been standing on the doormat for maybe half an hour. Muffin Top finally knocks.

“Silly, did you forget how to do it?” Muffin Top laughs, but stops suddenly. “It’s happened to me a few times.”

With no real emotion, “Oh, thanks for show me how it’s done.”

They hear some hoof steps come up to the door. “Oh, don’t worry, I’m almost there!” The steps creator calls out. The voice was so cheerful, nothing could go wrong. Then the door opens, and a purple unicorn’s smile shapes into a scall once seeing Moondancer. “You. So you came home with one of... them... ha?”

Moondancer laughs. “Yeah. She’s like, totally hot and all.” Moondancer slings one leg over Muffin Top’s back.

“The sun makes things ‘hot’! Don’t you mean she’s ‘frigged’, my dear Moondancer?”

“Don’t call me ‘Moondancer’! It’s Twinkle Shine. Or do you have alzheimer's you old-”

“MOON-!?”

“Is that my Moondancer I hear?” called out a stallion’s voice from in the house. “Come in, come in!”

“What was that about n-” started Muffin Top, only to be cut off by an ivory hoof. The hoof then gestures to follow it inside.

“Dad, how’ve you been you old {“Sorry to interrupt again here folks!”}.” The couple move to a wheelchair bound earth pony.

The older unicorn walks by the doorway to the room the others are in, she says with an arrogant tone, “May the rays of Her Highness guide you, both.”

“She’s still as much a {there’s a sound of a mic being moved around quickly. “Pardon this little fillies bad mouth folks, and the interruption.”} as ever I see.”

Muffin Top looks a little confused, but keeps a smile all the same. “Ah...”

The stallion laughs. “Only when fillyfooll’n is brought up. You two need to get along better, really.”

“Ah, wh-”

“It’s up to her.”
“She’s only such a {“Oh my! There’s two of them now! Hold tight folks!”}, is because you’ve thrown your choice in lovers in her face.” The brown stallion still showed some amount of of being happy.

“Ah, why do-”

“I do, because I’m mocking what she’s been thinking of what she expects!” Only one pony didn’t know that there ivory unicorn was getting razzled.

“Wait!” shouted Muffin Top. “I know this one.”

“What?” asked the other two in the room.

“Ahh,” she hummed as she thought. Muffin Top shouts, “Self Fulfilling Prophecy!”

“Um, yeah, that’s right.” The only unicorn in the room was shocked at the rare instance of trivia from her lover.

“Oh wow, she’s adorable. Nice one there my little Moondancer.”

Moondancer facehooves. “No, dad. After seeing her mom, please don’t say that.”

---------

After a long visit to Moondancer’s family, mostly her dad, the two had gone off into the town park.

Looking around Moondancer sees something off in the distance. “Yo, Muffins?” she began, “what’s that?”

Muffins looks where the hoof is pointing. “A really big thing.”

Moondancer looks unamused. “What is the big thing?”

“It’s made of wood and goes fast!” The gray pegasus flies around fast, but skids on the ground.

“That sounds like fun! Let’s go on the fast wood thing. What ever it’s called.”

---------

{“Don’t worry folks... did I miss it?"}

---------

“Oh what was so much fun!” exclaimed Moondancer on the walk back from the place that was called a ‘Theme Park.’

“Yes, it was. We need to go again some time.”

“I loved the part when you flew into another car trying to see if you could. Don’t do that again by the way.”

“Okays.”

“You know, I think I learned something today. {“Yes, she does from the waist down. but...” There’s a pause then some ruckus as if things are being moved around. “Is this thing on?” Another pause. “Son of a bitch! Jack! Keep an eye on your damn ping pong ball will yeah?!” The FCC man clears his throat and continues, “Sorry about that folks! Some technical difficulties. Let’s see, oh morral... ah... yada, yada, giber gaber, gums flying... moral learned, the end.”}

A few tears fall from Muffin Top’s eyes. “Thanks. You’re the best marefriend I could ask for two.”

Comments

[GameMakingOtaku]

For those who may be wondering:
I've posted this part so that someone on an editors board may be able to give me pointers.

I'm still waiting for a reply, but I have asked two others if they would edit it too... waiting on them as well.
If you don't mind horrible errors, fell free to read as is. If you would like to edit, PLEASE DO. I need all the help I can get.

[primalcorn1]

752056
Alright, I have to say this feels quite rushed. One moment they're at a bakery, the next they're talking to somepony named Misty Days who I believe is Muffin Top's mom. What happened in between, and when did you introduce Misty Days as Muffin Top's mom? From reading this, I can tell you struggle with with the same thing I do, and it's something you have to constantly keep in your mind as you're writing: Although you as the author know what you're writing about, your job as the author is to make the reader know exactly what you have in mind. You have to establish a setting, explain how the characters are getting from one place to another, and you need to show the reader exactly what is going on in the story.

Well, there's my two bits, I hope it helps

[GameMakingOtaku]

773875
Ahh, what I was thinking, for your first complaint, was what I learned in my film analyses class...
Don't explain every last detail.
Transitions are your friend.
(and more form comedy) Transitions to the pallor opposite of what is expected is funny. (Think the comedy style used in The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy)
I do have a problem thinking that people will get something, but I thought that I had made who Misty Days is clear. I can fix this very easaly... I think.

Thanks for the two bits! I can get an tomato now!
If any one else sees anything else wrong... or think the transition still doesn't seem right, let me know.

[GameMakingOtaku]

I just started to wonder this
who watches or has heard of the censuring of South Parks episodes where they show Muhammad and censured the entire speech that said the moral being; If you let too many groups censure a little each, then all things would be censured. (There was a long BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, as they where saying what they learned.)

I don't really like the Fart Control Center for reasons like this... also I think that if they had their way, they'd send an FCC agent to all our homes and blow horn and degas all our farts... and other things... they're evil!

[primalcorn1]

773951
That's great in film, but not in writing. In film, you don't have to explain everything because the viewer can physically see everything that's happening. In a novel, the author needs to write a story so the reader can visualize a setting and "see" what's happening without a picture to guide them. It's something that I still have to work on, and in my humble opinion it's the hardest thing about writing.

[GameMakingOtaku]

774407
...ah... that sounds odd to me.
Are you saying the first big edit would be kinda like this

“Don’t be silly! I’d love to see your family. Oh, you’re going to love mama!” The pair then set of for the first home to visit.

---------

After a few minutes of walking, the two enter a home. Little is said, there isn't time for things to be said. One thing's clear; Moondancer does not like ‘mama.’

Or would I have to add even more in.
The way I had it the first time sounds best to me... but it's not about me, it's about SCIENCE! Oh, wait no, writing. Yeah that.

[primalcorn1]

775440
That would have worked better, but it's still not quite enough. I had no idea where Muffin Top's mom lived, where the characters were, what the home was like, what part of town it was in, etc. I know that in the long run those are rather minor details that don't add much to the plot of your story, but they help establish a setting so a reader can visualize the story you're telling, and that in of itself can make a story.

[GameMakingOtaku]

775463
Okay. That makes more sence to me
I omitted some things becuse I thought that it might be to much (and Page Turner can tell you, I can get MORE than overboard with details)
Thin that case, I may add in a seen and even A LOT more location details and desctions.

Thanks for the tip, and showing me where I went wrong

[primalcorn1]

775510
That's what the Writer's Assistance Group is for!
Believe me, I struggled with all the same stuff when I started, and to be honest I still do struggle with details. It's easier to point it out in someone else's work than it is to fix it in your own

[GameMakingOtaku]

775608
More so for me, it's trying to find the write time for deteals. I may not have the best of words for it, but I can fill up a page with details... look at the description of Doctor Moonstone in my other story Blank. Page Turner had fun going through that... I think thats when he first said, "Wow, that's a lot of detail. Can we cut some if it out?" Aaaand the answer wasn't just no, but we added some things , We added at lest six things of detail: more patches, different eyes, different ears.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/096/7/5/blank__doctor_moonstone_spector_by_gamemakingotaku-d4v7w4e.png

My biggest thing is, again, knowing when to have lots of detail in. I had so much detail of something in Blank, that the entire thing had to be ommited from it's location and moved. It was to creepy.

This time, I thought of what might be nessasary, and failed.

EDIT:
I've made some edits. I added some details, and a scene.

[GameMakingOtaku]

Okay here are some edits at lest.
I had sent this to a few, and only had one help me edit... I'll have to see who it is to give credit though
I don't know if I should put in the G Docs acout name or ask them... so I'll have to get back to you on that.
Thanks to the one that has been editing the G Doc version and primalcorn1 and Twigai for all the help so far.