Shadow Blast
Joined 4th Jun, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- chief maximus · 104k words · 1,121 45 · 15k views
- Silentpegasus · 19k words · 317 14 · 6.8k views
- advocateofpants · 37k words · 52 2 · 3.1k views
- Silver_Tip · 5.7k words · 48 19 · 2.8k views
- Just A Random Pegasus · 29k words · 36 1 · 2k views
- Michael Hudson · 22k words · 315 76 · 9.9k views
- Nostalgia Schmaltz · 8.9k words · 205 23 · 7.9k views
- jbaker13 · 3.9k words · 126 18 · 3.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.095 seconds
Total duration
1,001 users online
1,568,892 hits today, 2,130,388 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
hmm...not sure if want
could use some work...
This...
Okay, wow. You don't need to indicate every perspective change with the character's name in bold. You can just use context or explicitly identifying the character in the story to do that. Also, way to skip over all of the character and relationship building, romance, intimacy, et al. All the better to skip to the tiny horses shtupping each other with, I suppose...
Not the best clopfic I've read, but certainly not the worst.
I've definitely seen worse, but seriously, commas. Commas are needed here. Also, the multiple perspectives thing is pretty interesting, just work at your descriptions a little more, and commas join two or more independant clauses.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/213/377/rarity_do_not_want-%28n1294609501482%29.png
I think it's too rushed.
Commas, commas, commas! you need a proof reader, bro.
What about your immeasurably defective writing? Graduate from middle school, then try again.
Sorry to say this, but your writing style is awful. There's a ton of grammatical errors, and that makes it incredibly tedious to read. The most glaring problem is the bolded "Soarin" and "Rainbow" headers. I understand what you're trying to do with that, but it breaks up the flow of the story, and I'm sure there's better ways to accomplish what you're after.
Storywise, it's not too bad. It's a little short, but the clop is decent. I would suggest adding more detail, and maybe write something about what caused Rainbow to crash in the first place.
This is a bit of personal nitpicking, but honestly, I do not like clopfics that use the word pussy. The word just seems so ridiculous and silly to me that it makes me laugh whenever I see it in a clopfic or other piece of erotica. Not exactly the kind of reaction I hope to get when reading something meant to be sexy. However, this is just my preference. For all I know, everyone else in the world gets aroused when they read "pussy".
Overall, your story needs a lot of work, especially when it comes to spelling and grammar, but a good editor should be able to help you with that. Hopefully you can improve your writing for the next chapter.
Looking forward to more.
img.ponibooru.org/_images/89196f4a3696fae07952ce8cd86c4088/45489%20-%20applejack%20do_not_want%20fluttershy%20macro%20rarity%20twilight_sparkle.jpg
oi52.tinypic.com/30ueryh.jpg
chzbronies.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-really-do-not-want-rule.jpg 1.bp.blogspot.com/-QM9C4MEQqrY/TnjcJSXNMNI/AAAAAAAAAJI/HAr5ZBCItEE/s1600/pinkie+do+not+want.png
theres 20 more of thoose but this will do.
COMMAS GOD DAMMIT