Twilight in Underland!!!!!

by Lock146

Sitting in a Cleanish Garden Waiting for Someone.

Sitting in a Cleanish Garden Waiting for Someone.

Chapter 2

Twilight's eyes peered open to see she was laying in a familiar garden in Cantrelot. She glimpsed around more to find her beloved babysitter Cadance.

"Cadance What are you doing here?" She said confused. " Cadance replied" Silly im foalsitting you. You fell asleep reading a book. We were just waiting for shining armour to get back ." Twilight was baffled She hadn't needed a foalsitter in so long this couldn't be right.

"Uhm, you sure about that?" Twilight inquerd.

"Oh your a silly filly Twilight."

"Filly????" Twilight screamed. She hurriedly ran to the small brooke near her and saw Cadance wasnt kidding she really was a filly. "I don't understand what happened!" Twilight announced. "Lets see I was casting the memory spell on Spike, and Derpy came in." Twilight thought breifly and remembered the rest. "Oh No!" Twilight cried as she realized what Derpy had done by being ditzy again.

Cadance curious about what Twilight was talking about questioned her " What do you mean Twilight?"
Twilight had to think so before answering her beloved sitter she dashed away "Sorry Cadance I can't stay here your not even real, but it was nice seeing you again since the wedding." She called out as she ran off.

Cadance was dumbfounded "Wedding? what is she talking about?" She said as she began to fade back into Twilight's memories. Twilight Continued running untill she found a good stopping point. Her little filly legs tired out much easier than she rememberd, so she took a break laying on a tree.

Soon after that Twilight woke up she was laying beneath the tall oak. Still quite groggy when Angel ran past her. Looking around she noticed that it was a tree that was quite near Fluttershys house, so Twilight decided to pursue Angel and see if he could lead her to his owner.

As Twilight stood up she realized she was back in her mature body so she wouldn't have too much trouble chasing Angel. Considering Angel was running as fast as he could this pleased Her. The unicorn finally almost caught up when Angel dissapeared. He was completely gone. Then she saw that he had gone into a rabbit whole under the oak.

Twilights momentum was too strong for her to stop easily, but she skidded hard and slid to a halt in front of the hole. Twilight was so relieved she sighed. Then something clumsily Slammed her down the hole, she caught a small glimpse of vision before everything went dark a small flash of blonde hair.

Comments

[Kolwynia]

Okay, you've got a cool premise. I'm a fan of the Alice books as well, and adding some magical mishaps to spice things up is a great idea. But while your story wants to pull me in, your grammar is pushing me away. Writing a block of text with no discernible paragraphs is like waving a red flag and shouting, "Stay away!" to your readers. A lot of people are not even going to take the time to read your story when you do that. You've got some cute stuff going on here, it just needs to be "packaged" in a way that makes it more accessible.

[Lock146]

698373 I know im doing my best but my strong point was never gramar But dont worry im having someone to correct it for me so itll be more enjoyable Im really sorry about that though

[Kolwynia]

699697 Hey, no worries. I just hate seeing a story get a whole bunch of dislikes right out of the gate when the story itself is not bad. And the only way to get good at grammar (or any aspect of writing) is to keep at it. When something about your writing isn't working for your readers, you can either hold onto it and try to make them like it ("You're going to LOVE ME!)...or abandon it and try something else. Anyway, just my two cents. Glad you got someone to help you with the editing.

[Lock146]

Thanks