You'd be surprised at the emotions twenty-six letters can unearth
Sunset has made a lot of mistakes in her life, but has never dared to confront her deepest fears and guilty deeds. Now, one trip up to a mountain lodge with five of her closest friends is going to change that. And change her in the process.
Written before Friendship Games aired
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But they are human.
what a wonderful story! this would make a great episode in the eg series! this is writing and story telling at its best! congrats to you! i will be worth the wait for the next chapters! bravo!
Very nice, but when is the twist coming?
LOOK! The east is burning red!
I'm enjoying this story so far. There were some grammar errors, especially near the end, but it wasn't too bad. However, you seem to use "ponies" to describe the girls as a group, but the girls are human. You can just say "the six girls" or "the six young women" or something similar. Also:
I think you mean:
6706412 Ah I'm too used to writing MLP and not EqG Fics! Sorry!
6706555 Thank you! Expect a new chapter every Sunday!
6706842 Twist? Heh, there's not really a twist. It's just about Sunset spending a few days in a mountain lodge with her friends!
6707107 SUNSET WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
6707237 Thank you so much for taking the time to correct them! I've done another read through and corrected the mistakes you've listed out and a few more. Sorry about the errors, I couldn't find a proofreader for my recent stories and so I did them on my own.
6707668 You're very welcome. Glad to see you take the time to correct your errors.
6707668 Oh. I thought it'd be cool if she found out about magic again.
Wait.
A group of teens go up to a mountain lodge after a particularly bad series of events over the last year prior, with the intention of having a good time in order to forget the bad.
6709126 Ech. What could possibly go wrong? Ech.
Ah, reading about other people playing DnD.
Something that should be awesome, yet somehow never fails to be boring.
another fantastic chapter! i would love to see these chapters ofyours used as templates for episodes in eg! one can only wish and dream ofit! well done to you!
Will Sunset be badass in this story?
6751683 Not sure what you mean by badass, but she does handle her own issues!
This story is happines and sunshine...at the end at least
merry christmas to you, and thank you for such a wonderful story! it brought many smiles and some tears as it was read!! i do hope you do write more of these type of stories with sunset and the girls. thank you o much for this story!
The idea is good and I usually like slice of life stories... I don't know why but something didn't click with me here, to the point I ended skipping entire paragraphs sometimes as the story couldn't keep my attention.
There's a jarring thing however, a mistake you made twice in this chapter.
Neither Applejack or Rainbow Dash are Elements of Harmony. The pony Applejack and RD are, but none of those mares are in the story.
6709126 I just notice your profile pic goes perfectly with your comment.
6753273 in Equestria girls Twilight pointed out that they all had the same elements as their pony counterparts. Same in Friendship Games.
6756204 The Humane 5 may have the virtues relative to each Element of Harmony (other than Magic) but they never wielded the Elements themselves. In fact the other Elements of Harmony[1] didn't appear in any movies.
[1] this time I mean the gems themselves, what C+L got from the Tree of Harmony and used to defeat Discord.
6756329 huh, that does make a lot of sense.
Just going to say this. Aside from Fluttershy's reactions and Sunset's reaction to the girl without friends, I found the entire "scary" stories section to be unbelievably not scary, even within the context of the universe. Outside of it, I'm just wondering where the scary stories with some amount of scare in them are. I don't even think children would find the "scary" stories scary, and yet all the teenagers here are screaming? Yeah, no.
Not going to lie, that whole scary stories section was just completely immersion breaking as I kept asking why are they acting this scared. Yes the lights are out and its thundering (which certainly helps), but the stories are so lackluster. I honestly feel like it was detrimental to an otherwise fine chapter.
HiddenMaster out
6709126
where did you find that wonderfully silly photo of twilight?
Rainbow Dash being deep and insightful? What a
!
I approve of this.
IIRC, Rainbow's pony counterpart knows karate. Is there some reason the human version wouldn't know anything about martial arts?
I feel this is thematically appropriate:
[youtube=wWcCskvU3vE]
i have to say, i somewhat enjoyed this but... i dunno, i felt a little lacking in something. a lot of the time i felt it jumped because of how it sometimes felt like it had become a case of "this character did this, then they did that, then this happened", which kinda pulled me out of it a fair bit.
still, i did enjoy this a bit, so it at least goes into my Meh bookshelf, for stories i liked, but just don't cut it to end up in my favorites. sorry about that
All kinds of bears.
This story was enjoyable. I'm glad I read this.
Conceptually, I'm really excited to see where you took this. And from my experience in reading your stories, you tend to execute your concepts and characterization quite well.
Unfortunately, this also has the same issues I mentioned here, specifically the last paragraph.
I'm hoping your concept and character execution trumps any tilt caused by clunky dialogue tags
Hm. That bit at the end felt... too easy? I have a suspicion it might be setup, though, and that seems great.
You're fired
You accidentally the space between the paragraphs.
I am pretty sure you meant "can't"
Present tense immediately followed by past tense is
I also noticed the same dialogue punctuation issue I mentioned in the comment I linked last chapter.
I'm unsure how I feel. Guess we'll just have to see how the last chapter goes.
My Anon-a-Miss senses are triggeringFirst, you're fired. Again.
Second, I appreciate the whipped cream reference. That was a good scene.
*to
I think I've figured out why I didn't enjoy this story as much as I thought I would. When I read the description, it seemed like it was going to take a hard look at Sunset's past mistakes and how those mistakes interact with her newfound friendships. It seemed like it was going to be a tough, emotional journey that worked through Sunset's former demons that was going to end with all of them stronger for it. And while the end part did happen, the process that got there was not at all what I was expecting from that description.
That's the part that got me. I feel like they didn't really get confronted at all. In fact, it felt like there was little external or internal confrontation at all. And that's totally fine if that's your goal. It just doesn't seem like that was your goal given this part of the description.
So ultimately, I felt kind of let down. It seemed like I was promised one sort of story and instead got something entirely different.
My Anon-a-Miss senses are achieving maximum velocityTime for a lesson on subjects and verbs and their agreement. It's easy to get messed up by proximity. Both "sleep" and "she" are singular and close to the verb, which is incorrectly written as "was" in your sentence. However, and this is what often trips people up the most, both of those nouns are part of the prepositional phrase. Both are used as descriptors to describe the hours. You could remove the entire phrase ("of sleep she had gotten"), and the sentence would retain the same base meaning. You may no longer know what the hours are, but the sentence still functions. It still has the same subject and the same verb. It might look funky since a bunch of singular nouns are next to the verb, but the subject "hours" is plural, so the verb should match: "were." Additionally, the predicate in this sentence refers back to the subject. It, too, should match the subject in number. This means "its" should be "their."
*your
Is it just me, or does this feel like one of those really tragic setups for an Anon-a-miss fic. The timing is perfect (between Rainbow Rocks and winter), Sunset is just growing close to the group, and there is talk about family, mistakes, and secrets. Honestly, it would burn to watch Anon-a-miss to play out here.
Great story enjoyed it