I am a Pegasister, I write fanfiction, and that's all you need to know about me. Also: I know that sounds jerkish, but I am not a jerk.
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When a Pegasus unexpectedly becomes an Alicorn, she's taken away from her current life and plunged into a world of romance, political intrigue and backstabbing. The world of politics, the world of lies, the world of thrones. Can Sky Stormer survive this place, while staying true to who she is?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Cool story keep going. :D
6662928 Thank you! :)
I read it, It seems good.
6670252 Some jerk gave you a down vote. Have an up vote from me, to fix that. ^.^
I'll say this: At least it's not a usual Alicorn Mary Sue story.
The story isn't bad, I'll give it that. It is very clear you're trying to satire the whole "Alicorn OC" trope we've seen time and time again, as well as the grammar and spelling, while of course not perfect, is very good. Natural talent, I would call it. The pacing could be slightly better in either direction, but I won't nitpick about that.
All around, it's a decent story. Could be better, but could really be worse as well. Honestly, I think those dislikes come solely from people who don't like Alicorn OC stories and like trolling others, so don't feel too bad about that, okay?
- SuperKamek, Reviewer and head of Team Brachydios
6691433 Thanks. What parts feel like satire?
6691442
Secondly, just the whole story just felt satire-y to me. If that wasn't you intent, I understand, but I like seeing stories that like to poke fun at the fandom's supposed creativity in creating OCs, i.e. the red and black Alicorn OCs.
First off, I mean satire in the good, funny way.
6691451 The what? (Looks at them) OH SWEET MOON IT'S HORRIBLE.
I wanted to include some funny scenes (Like how nopony notices what's up with Stroke, especially Sky) but I also wanted to make her badass and a real role model. She's not perfect, she makes mistakes, and she struggles. Her hardest fight yet is coming up soon, and she also does good wherever she can, because she is good. She can't cast amagic spell and cure everything, but she can do some things to help.
There's a funny ad there. It has some girly game website, but only five of the mane six, and... some white pony with a red and blue mane and Heart cutie mark. Twilight is on the pic to the right, hidden by the logo, along with Applejack. It reminds me of the scene from Monsters Inc, where the eye is hidden.
You have grabbed my attention...
Also, damn you Trollestia!
Again with the trolling!
Ooh, that's gotta hurt!
The Ultramarines?!
Dude, you just made my day with that WH40K reference!
Never piss off a new princess! Especially one who was in military training!
Ok, now you're just messing around aren't you?
Ok, maybe I was a bit hasty with liking this story, not to say it's not good, it is, but you need to flesh things out a bit , other than that, good story!
6694683 Thank you!
6694719 Ok, what needs fleshing out?
6694747 For one, the backstory of the main character, explain how she became an alicorn, what led up to her turning into one
Two, the event that started it all, readers need to know what that event was, and finally three, when did she meet her friends, that's the biggest plot hole in the story, we have no idea how they fit into the story, so that's another thing to flesh out, but other than that, it's a well paced story with some incredible characters, some intense moments and a lot of comedy
Spongebob
6695203 No, this is Patrick.
6694776 I'm curious, do you know what Plot Hole means? Read some of today's modern sewage. You'll learn quickly.
I will show how they met, but it will not happen immediately. I'm saving that for later.
Also, thank you for praising the intense moment. I hope you liked the scene with the Meatroids. So many stories have a giant monster villain that can just be punched and stabbed into submission. Here, we have something scarier, something more dangerous, something physical and tangible yet capable of turning your closest friends against you to the point where the only cure is death.
6697575
not that kind of plot hole, and you're welcome, kinda reminds of the brain aliens from Hero Factory
6697583 Uh... I meant plot hole as in "If Katniss secretly had a gun all along, why didn't she use it earlier and save herself the trouble?" for example. Not... the other meaning.
Also, I haven't seen Hero Factory. What is that?
6704775 It was the replacement line for Bionicle before it was rebooted this year
Gahhhh! Run for the hills! IT'S THE PINKAPOCOLYPSE!
I hope you right more for this story.
I plan on reading this story. Then I shall post a new comment on what I think. Yay.
6726088 Tell me your thoughts.
I feel it's possible I've rushed through things too quickly after the Soldier Arc. Do you feel the same?
6800354
I haven't read it yet, but I will.
yeeeaaahhhh, way too rushed.....
6800383 It feels juvenile, but I suppose this fits. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hapu7OLV8k
Da heck, I just finished the last chapter and this pops up! That's some fast writing!
6800403 I'm not exactly one with a stable connection. I save work and post when I'm able.
6800391 I wanted to show her try to get through life. But... after that arc, she's too strong for most things to harm or challrnge her.
Perhaps philosophical?
6800416 Yes.
6800393
That was funny. I added this story to my high priority read later. I will have a comment ready tomorrow morning.
6800416 Probably....
It's still a good story though! And you do realize that you just answered yourself?
Well, time for my review! First off, while the story does move a little fast at times, it's still funny. Yeah, the comedy tag is there for a reason and I'll admit, you actually got me to laugh at some parts, mainly because of how absurd a situation could be. Like the hotel blowing up. Which then also repaired itself, somehow, later in the story. Also, in chapter 9, is it Transformers, or Transmorphers? Ah well, whatever. I also loved the fact that you indented for the most part. That makes me happy. Except in chapters 13 and 14, which also felt
a littlerushed. Still funny, just rushed and I think you could flesh them out some more.Another thing I would recommend is putting the teen rating on this story. Why? Mainly because of how much death there is and I also feel as though it would give you far more freedom to work around with jokes. Again, back to the death thing, there's so much of it. I was trying to keep track but I couldn't because I didn't know how many guards had died, only the amount of assassins but I gave up halfway because, again, the guards. I haven't seen a story rated everyone with this much death, even if it isn't that gory. In fact, the only real 'gory' part was when Sky Stormer described how she blew up a changeling. I also feel as though that warrants some investigation. Some ponies, ESPECIALLY Cadance, might I add, would not be happy there's changelings involved for obvious reasons.
All in all, a good story, got a like from me. Keep up the good work.
I know what must be done.
See my blog for more information.
6802290 Thank you. But if I were to change its rating, would that prevent children from seeing it? This is a comedy, but I do not wish to go full-on adult cartoon comedy. Even though as a young foal, I remember multiple kids having South Park pencil cases.
6882055
Only if you were to change the rating to mature. Everyone can see stories rated everyone and teen. Mature stories are, again, the only exception to this since it requires you to turn the mature filter off. Any more questions and I'll answer them.
6882127 I may change the rating. Would this allow me to show blood in fight scenes? Or would I need to tag it Gore, forever staining it with the Cupcakes stigma?
6882254
It would allow you to show blood, yes. I'm also going to explain the difference with gore and just regular blood. Now, in a fight scene, it's okay to show the combatants bleeding, even in Star Wars and Lord of the Rings there was a lot of dismemberment and even quite a bit of blood in the latter example but that isn't gore. Gore is the description of bloody scenes. For example, you can say a pony exploded and then died, but that's not gore. But if you say the pony "exploded into a hundred bloody chunks, covering the bystanders in foul-smelling intestines and entrails" THAT is gore. If you have more questions about this let me know and I'll explain in greater detail once I get to my computer and not use my phone.
That was random...
Frag...
Seems a little over-the-top. I will read further regardless.
This is a very twisted version of Equestria.