Strange Reflections
I couldn't do it. Every time I opened my mouth to speak, a sudden wave of what-ifs, doubts, and alternative solutions bowled me over. So many things needed to be said, but none of them wanted to be first. They all depended on one another, tightly interwoven in a net of insecurities, a net that I had been forming for quite some time now and which, finally complete, was determined to squeeze the life out of me until there wasn't anything left.
It shouldn't be this tough, I told myself. You're strong. A ferocious beast. A dragon. A real man.
And then I remembered how none of that was true at all.
I looked across the room, trying my absolute hardest to make my fear and trepidation show on my face. It was a cheap way out, a way to say everything that mattered without having to open my mouth, but I didn't care.
Twilight Sparkle looked back at me, matching my fear with her gentle kindness, and I instantly felt guilty. I loved her. She was my parental figure, my best friend. And now she was my shrink.
"I can't do this," I told her. "It's too weird."
Her smile didn't fade, although I still got the impression that she was hurt. "I know this may feel uncomfortable," she told me, "but it doesn't have to be. We're doing everything by the book. Haven't I always told you that you can trust me with anything?"
It was true. And until now I had. Twilight was like my security blanket, except that I had tossed my actual security blanket a year ago, figuring I had outgrown it. I had no plans to outgrow Twilight.
"Everything you tell me today will be kept completely confidential," she continued. "Strictly between you and me. I won't tell a soul. I Pinkie promise."
"But you'll know," I countered. "Even if you pretend you won't, you will."
I could see that Twilight was thinking over the situation, choosing her words carefully. It seemed oddly impersonal, but then again, wasn't I doing the exact same thing? I decided to take the initiative before she could finish whatever new strategy she was concocting.
"Just forget about it," I told her. "I think we're done here."
She took the request surprisingly well. "Okay then," she told me. "It's your choice, whether or not you want to open up about this. Just know that if you ever decide you do want to talk, I'll be here. I always will."
Damn that guilt-tripping. "Why can't we just go back to how things used to be?" I asked her. "We were all fine before. Can't we go back to being fine? I'm fine," I quickly appended, although I don't think either of us bought it.
"Spike," said Twilight, and her voice was still soft and gentle. "Rainbow Dash told me what you asked her."
Shit.
I had been trying hard all day to stop thinking about how I had humiliated myself in front of Rainbow Dash. But some things can't be taken back, which was why I wasn't taking any chances with Twilight.
"She's not upset, Spike," Twilight assured me. "She wanted me to let you know that it's okay. You didn't offend her or anything. So if that's what you're worried about, don't be."
That wasn't at all was I was worried about. Rainbow Dash is a tough mare with a thicker skin than I could ever have. I don't think I could have upset her if I tried.
No, I was much more worried about the things I'd let slip about myself. Especially now that I knew Rainbow Dash had told Twilight. Who else had she told?
I had to make sure all of my bases were covered. All the holes had to be plugged. "It's not true!" I blurted.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. I worried that I'd just lost the patient Twilight and replaced her with exasperated Twilight.
"Are you saying Rainbow Dash made it up?" Twilight asked me, but she didn't sound angry or accusatory, just confused.
Damn her. Only Twilight could make me feel like a child who had just stolen from the cookie jar, and she wasn't even doing it on purpose.
"No!" I cried. "I mean, I really did say that stuff, but I didn't mean anything by it. It was taken all wrong!"
Have I mentioned yet that I'm a terrible liar? The truth was, I had been feeling unusually hopeful the day I trekked out to Rainbow's floating cloud house. Desperation can do quite a bit to somepony.
I still didn't know if I was lucky or unlucky to discover that she was home. She poked her head over the edge when I called her name.
"Hey, Rainbow Dash," I mumbled, and she flew down to the ground to hear me better. It was not a great start.
"I've been thinking a lot recently," I told her. "About you."
I swear her eyes bugged out. She was quiet for a little while, just long enough for things to get awkward.
"Wow," she said at last. "I'm flattered, really."
It was my turn to freak out, and I quickly stammered an apology. "That's not what I mean," I very nearly screamed. "Not like that. I've just been thinking about how you're not a very normal pony."
"Uh, thanks?" She probably didn't know whether or not to be insulted.
I foolishly continued. "I mean, for a mare, you're not very girly."
"No," she said dryly. "I'm not. You going somewhere with this?"
"But you're still a girl."
Nothing I was saying was coming out the way I intended it to. Hearing my own voice, listening to me say those words made me cringe. If I were Rainbow Dash, I probably would have kicked me.
"I don't know if anypony's told you this, Spike, but there's more than one way to be a girl. It's not like a cookie cutter template or anything." She paused, and her eyes lit up in realization. "Is this about me being a fillyfooler? Because honestly, Spike, I never thought you'd be one to have an issue with that."
No, no, no! Why was this so hard to explain? Even though I hadn't quite been able to piece together what I was feeling, I had figured that, if anyone, Rainbow Dash would be able to help me recognize the symptoms. Now, her confusion was making me feel even worse about myself. If I couldn't trust her to understand, then who could understand? I was alone. A freak.
"It's nothing like that," I told her. "I'm not gay, and I don't care if you are. That's not my problem."
"Then what is?" she asked me. "I'd love to help you, but I really don't know what you're going on about."
I looked up at her and wondered if I could say it. I could trust her, right? She was the Element of Loyalty, after all.
"Okay," I said. "But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone."
"I promise," she told me. A promise I now know she broke, even if she probably thought it was for my own good.
I took a deep breath and began. "Have you ever felt like you don't really belong? Like you're not really living up to the expectations that others have of you?"
Rainbow Dash chuckled. "All the time, kiddo," she said. "It happens. You can't control what other ponies think about you; you just learn to live with it."
"Yeah," I mumbled, thrown by the immediacy and casualness of the response. "But what if it's something big? Something even you expect of yourself?"
"I've been through that too," said Rainbow Dash empathetically. "Getting stressed about it doesn't do much to help."
I was beginning to become frustrated by how calmly she was taking this. "You're not getting it!" I seethed at her. I forced myself to calm down. "I thought you'd understand because you're not very girly," I said despondently.
"I hate that word," she told me. "I'm not girly. That doesn't mean I'm not a girl."
This was the perfect place to say it. I forced myself to speak.
"Have you ever felt that way, though?" I asked her. "Have you ever thought that maybe you're not a girl after all? Like it was a mistake that you turned out that way?"
There. I'd said it. All that was left was for her to laugh at me. I cringed, thinking that this was something I was never going to live down. Right now, nothing seemed more appealing than laying down in front of a carriage. Yet, at the same time, I felt somehow hopeful. Stupid prospect that it was, I was immediately overcome with relief. No more hiding. No more lying. No for fearing being ridiculed. I was hanging above a pit by a rope, but now Rainbow Dash was going to pull me up. All assuming, of course, that she even grasped what I was trying to tell her.
Rainbow didn't even have to think. "Not really," she told me, and it seemed to me that, rather than drag me onto the metaphorical dry land, the rope had been released instead. "That's not something I think about all that often," she said. "I mean, it doesn't make much of a difference, does it? Being a colt wouldn't be better or worse. Just, you know, different. You know what I mean?"
I didn't. How could something like that not matter to her? Rarity would throw a fit if anypony accused her of not being a proper mare. She had built her entire life, occupation and aspiration, all around that very idea. It began to occur to me that maybe Rarity would have been a better pony to explain this to. She would be better able to empathize. But she was also Rarity. If I could at all handle this, get over my problems without her knowing, then I would try. I knew that Rarity wasn't the type to judge a pony, or a dragon, for a singular moment of weakness, but I couldn't take that chance.
"Thanks anyway," I told Rainbow, even though I wasn't feeling particularly thankful. This had certainly been a bust. All I had accomplished was releasing an embarrassing inner worry amongst my friends. What would I be in their eyes now? I was a boy. Of course I was. I had the parts to prove it, and I had never been anything else. But now they'd see me emasculated, a world away from everything I was supposed to be. And yet, and yet...
I stopped thinking before I even allowed myself to consider the fact that things might be better if they saw me differently, closer to how I felt. I told myself that would never happen. Rainbow Dash wouldn't tell anyone. She had promised. If anyone would keep a promise, it would be Rainbow.
Except of course that she hadn't. That was why I was now sitting across from from my best friend, a mare who was never going to see me the same way again.
"What do you want from me?" I asked her, feeling stressed and angry and too many other emotions to count. "What's it going to take for you to just let this drop?"
"I want you to be comfortable," she said. "I want you to feel safe and secure. We all do. If there's something bothering you, hurting you, then it's hurting us, too."
"But why? What business is it of yours what I think and feel?"
Her response was simple. "Because that's what it means to be a friend. I'm sure you're mad at Rainbow Dash for betraying your trust..."
"You bet I'm mad," I bellowed. "Element of Loyalty, my scales."
"But she was being loyal," finished Twilight. "To me."
Wait, what?
"I pay attention," Twilight told me. "I know when my number one assistant is under the weather. I asked Rainbow Dash to tell me if she thought she knew what was bothering you. I pushed her to tell me because I can't stand to see you like this. I know she betrayed your trust, but please, if you're going to blame anypony for that, blame me, not her. But Spike, you've been off ever since the great dragon migration. Did something happen there?"
The great dragon migration. I'd left Ponyville to live amongst my own kind, and in the process I had discovered that they weren't really my own kind at all. And at first I had thought I'd known why.
"Why don't you tell me?" I asked bitterly. "You followed me there. I can't trust any of you, can I?"
Twilight turned away, avoiding my gaze. I realized that I'd really hurt her with my remark, but I didn't care. It was true.
"Spike..." she began, but I wasn't about to let her finish.
"No," I said, cutting her off. "I'm talking now. No matter what I do, you always treat me like a child who can't make her own decisions. Have you considered that maybe that's my problem? The fact that I'm forced to live with paranoid, possessive ponies like you? How do you honestly expect me to trust you with my secrets when you've never trusted me a bit!"
Twilight hung her head. "I'm sorry, Spike," he said. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt from now on. We don't have to keep talking about it."
Part of me wanted to keep talking anyway, just to see how bad I could make her feel. But while that might have made me feel better, it wouldn't be productive. "You'd better start trusting me," I told her, and then I hugged her as tightly as could. "Because I really, really want to start trusting you."
I couldn't leave her. I just couldn't. She was Twilight Sparkle, the mare I had grown up beside, who had taught me how to read, who had always been there for me. She was my sister and my mother, and I loved her. If we could find a way to work through this, we would do it together.
She closed her eyes and smiled, relieved that she hadn't lost me. "Spike..." she began again.
And again, I didn't let her finish. "I said I was talking," I reminded her. "And right now, I want to tell you the truth."
"You don't have to do this," she said.
"I want to. Because you deserve to know, and because I'm sick of pretending everything's fine."
"Thank you, Spike. Thank you for trusting me."
We let go of each other and moved to the fireplace, which Twilight lit with a spark from her horn.
"The colony I found during the dragon migration," I began, "well, you saw it. There weren't any girl dragons. Just a bunch of guys. I didn't get along with them well, but that's not really surprising, is it? Ponyville has boys too, but you never see me hanging out with Snips and Snails, do you?"
Twilight chuckled. "Did you just compare Snips and Snails to a bunch of teenage dragons?" She asked. "I don't think the comparison is really appropriate."
I smiled. "No," I agreed. "It isn't. Which is why I started thinking. And I realized, what if it wasn't the fact, or it wasn't just the fact that they were dragons that I had a problem with, but, you know..."
She finished for me. "The fact that they were boys."
I nodded. "Yeah, well, the fact that they were dragons too. I didn't stand a chance. But it was enough to make me wonder why I didn't fit in. And the answer, or the first answer that I came up with, seemed really obvious. Why should I expect the wild dragons to be like me? Just because we were both dragons? I didn't know the first thing about what it was like to live like them, because all my life I've been surrounded by ponies, by culture. Between you and me, I'm honestly surprised their leader Garble knew how to read."
Twilight groaned. "Don't get me started on that," she said. "The mission in Neighbraska would have gone so much smoother if you'd gotten a chance to read that letter."
"Yeah. But the point is, that got me thinking about my life. About my friends. And I've got some of the best friends a pony could ask for. I love you guys, and I never need anypony else when I'm with you. But you're all girls. Isn't someone like me supposed to have friends my own gender?"
"Spike," Twilight said apprehensively, "It's fine to have female friends. It just means that you're open minded. You're not obsessed with being a brute."
"I know. But not only am I not obsessed, but I want to be as far away from that kind of being as possible. At first I had this fear that maybe hanging out with you guys had changed me somehow. But then I realized that I wasn't forced to choose to have the same friends as you. No one made me be friends with Rainbow Dash and Applejack instead of Snips and Snails and Pipsqueak and Featherweight. I chose you guys. My connection to you was there from the start. You didn't make me into one of you. It's more like, I always have been. I'm not a dragon," and I paused, wrestling with the words on my tongue, trying to sequence them. "And I don't know if I'm a boy either. I think that maybe I never was."
"I guess that means that me and Rarity... Maybe I'm a fillyfooler, the same way Rainbow Dash is." I looked up at Twilight, desperate for guidance. "Is that possible? Is that even a real thing?" I gripped her again and buried my head in her side. I felt so lost, and I needed an anchor. "And I know that it's fine for a boy to like things like cooking and cleaning and that none of that stuff makes me any less of a man. Rainbow Dash said that there's more than one way to be a girl, and I guess that means that there's more than one way to be a boy too. But this goes beyond that. I'm not a guy who likes girly things. I actually feel more comfortable around you guys than I ever would around a bunch of colts. I see myself with you, as one of you. Maybe there's a little bit more to what Rainbow Dash said. Maybe there's not just more than one way to be a girl. Maybe, just maybe, there can be more than one way to become a girl. Or is that just stupid? I know you probably think I'm weird." My voice was slightly muffled by her coat.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. We just stayed there, me leaning into her, relying on her, completely helpless and dependent on the one pony I really truly loved, more than whatever attraction I had for Rarity. Then she spoke.
"Spike, listen to me, and listen well. We live in a world with showboating illusionists and gruff griffins and assertive minotaurs and ponies and other creatures of so many shapes and attitudes it boggles the mind. This is a world where a pony can break the sound barrier or brew a love potion gone terribly wrong or become a superhero for a day. We've fought thousand-year old demigods intent on eliminating the sun and omnipotent pranksters who can make it rain chocolate from cotton candy clouds. I will never be able to go to a wedding anymore without worrying that somepony there is a shapeshifter. And, what I find just as unbelievable as any of that is the fact that I have six best friends who I know can support me no matter what, in a world where ponies can and will burst into song with no prompting and where problems, no matter how bad, can be overcome with the power of friendship in time for dinner. Believe me, Spike, weirdness is relative. And I have never, not even once, thought you any weirder than the best and most wondrous things to ever happen to anypony."
I'm not ashamed to admit that I sniffled then. I don't cry, I swear I don't, but Twilight is a special case. "You really think so?" I asked.
She gave me the widest smile I had ever seen outside of Pinkie Pie. "Yes," she said, "and no matter how things change, or how weird they get, you will always be my number one assistant. You're still the same little dragon, or pony, or creature, and I still love you for who you are. Don't you ever forget that."
"I'm so lucky to have you," I realized and told her.
She kissed me on the cheek. "Not nearly as lucky as I am," she said songfully, and then her demeanor became a bit more serious. Still kind, still the gentlest expression you could ever see, but one of action. "So what are we going to do now?" she asked.
Honestly, in all my imaginings, I had never actually gotten this far. "I don't think anything yet," I said. "Let's just keep this between you and me for now, see how things go. The others, well, they deserve to know too, and I want to tell them, but not now, not yet. I don't have the energy. Or the courage."
"Well, whenever you're ready," said Twilight, nuzzling me, "I'll be right there beside you to provide whatever support you need."
---
Two months. That was how long it took me to work up the strength to tell the others. In the mean time, not much had changed at all, except for my outlook and disposition. Those two months seemed like some of the best of my life. Something had been lacking before, something I hadn't even realized was gone. But now that it was back, the days seemed brighter than ever, except for that single lingering dark cloud.
Sooner or later, I knew, I would have to open up. At least now I didn't have to do it alone.
Rather than let the anxiety overcome me and put me back where I had just worked so hard to climb out of, I decided to take the initiative.
Twilight invited the others but didn't tell them why. And that's how I ended up in the kitchen with Twilight, a room away from five confused and eager mares.
"You don't have to do this," said Twilight, probably for the dozenth time.
"Don't try to talk me out of this," I told her, worried that she might succeed.
We walked out together and met the five pairs of expectant eyes.
Twilight was the first to talk. "Guys? Spike has something important he wants to share with us."
I was worried this was going to be hard. But as I looked around at my best friends, so full of innocence and encouragement, it came easily. "I'm not a boy," I told them earnestly.
Silence. The worst response.
Fluttershy was the first to speak up. "So you're, like, a girl?"
It was a question I had been asking myself, and probably the one I still didn't have a definite answer to. "I don't know," I confessed, "Maybe. Or maybe not. Perhaps I'm neither. Maybe the whole two-ways-about-it isn't true for me. But I've got time to figure it out." Why did I think that this was going to be hard? I'd managed to work through a lot of my thoughts and feelings when I came out to Twilight, and the talks we'd been having over the past two months had helped to make me more comfortable and certain. Sure, it was personal, more personal than anything I'd ever shared with my friends. But that was exactly it: they were my friends. Like Twilight had once said, a good friend, like a good book, was something that lasts forever.
"Well, Spike," Applejack began, and while I hated how she was dragging out her words, I was determined to let her speak her piece how she wanted to speak it. "I can't say I understand."
Well, crap.
"But shoot, I don't understand a lot a things. So I guess this just means you can teach me. You're like family to me, and shame on me if I don't give my family a chance."
"I think you're really brave, Spike," interjected Fluttershy. "I wish I had your courage."
Rarity was next. "Well, it doesn't matter to me in the least, Spikey-Wikey. I've been around you long enough to know what you really are."
I swallowed. "Really?" I mumbled.
"Yes, Spike. The truly important things can never be hidden." She bent down and kissed me on the cheek, and I shuddered. "You're a charismatic, chivalrous, intelligent being. Nothing else is nearly as important."
"Yeah," agreed Rainbow Dash. "Except Rarity's wrong. Everything else is important. It's what makes you you. And I don't think any of us would have it any other way."
"Well spoken," complimented Rarity. "I suppose I spoke too soon. Everything in our dear Spike is something to be treasured."
"So, what changes is this gonna bring about," asked Applejack, apparently eager to begin her education. "You gonna start dressing differently?"
"I don't wear clothes," I answered flatly.
Rarity gasped, and a huge grin broke out on her face. "Idea! We should change that, then," she told me excitedly. "I'm going to design a whole wardrobe for you. Oh Spike, you always bring out the best in me, don't you?"
"And we can throw a party!" added Pinkie Pie. My entire face turned an unpleasant shade of crimson.
"That won't be necessary," I told her. "Really, I don't want to make a big deal out of this." Also, I wasn't sure how many ponies I could face with this at once.
"Okay." She seemed a little crestfallen, but it was only a second before she perked up again. "How about a private party then, just the seven of us? To celebrate how much you mean to us."
I relented. "Fine," I told her, and then grinned. "But it better be up to your standards."
"Of course, you silly filly! It's a Pinkie Promise!" Pinkie Pie nearly exploded off her heels from the excitement. "It's going to be the bestest, most super-duper party ever."
And it was.
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I love it when stories deal with themes as deeply as this one does. Good job!
Mm. Dangerous topic - in the miinds of those not familiar with the subject and are too concerned about their own sexuality to learn - pulled off brilliantly. Well done. Excellent dialogue, spot-on characters, and the subject matter approached respectfully. Again, bravo.
There was parts (especially when Spike spoke with RD) when I was confused, maybe it was intended, maybe a slight mistake or maybe simply becuse I'm reading this 1 in the morning with a slight headache
I might actually re-read this when I'm not so tired.
Anyways, good job on writing on a touchy subject (I'll never understand why some people have a problem with this).
Thumbed up and greatly appriciated.
I don't know how to take this... a guy doesn't have to be manly to be a guy still. He's just more sensitive and interested in more feminine things I guess. He' basically like any number of straight male fashion designers... is that how it's supposed to be taken. I just don't know...
Oh I know exactly which comment you're referring to... and I must admit, it did spark a consideration of that topic for me, too. A very well-written story on that concept, I must say. Characterisation's down to a tee, and you really picked up on how the emotions flowed with this topic. A sterling effort, all around. Kudos for tackling such a deep subject in such a thoughtful way.
this has so much potential you can just leave it where it is there needs to be more.
701772 I think so. We know he likes rarity so his straght but i think its just that he hangs around girls to much he does not know what a "guy" is i mean a guy does not have to be a prev but i think he just wonders what is what.
Whatever I like it Spikes mind is a wried place.
701837 To be fair women are pervs too, they're just better at hiding it.
701852 Yeah i know thats true.
701772
The intent is not that Spike doesn't understand what a guy is like, or that Spike thinks guys have to be manly. As far as this story is concern, Spike discovers that he simply does not identify as a man.
This happens to a lot of people, and it's referred to as being transgendered.
I actually went back and added another paragraph to clarify Spike's stance on the matter:
"And I know that it's fine for a boy to like things like cooking and cleaning and that none of that stuff makes me any less of a man. Rainbow Dash said that there's more than one way to be a girl, and I guess that means that there's more than one way to be a boy to. But this goes beyond that. I'm not a guy who likes girly things. I actually feel more comfortable around you guys than I ever would around a bunch of colts. I see myself with you, as one of you. Maybe there's a little bit more to what Rainbow Dash said. Maybe there's not just more than one way to be a girl. Maybe, just maybe, there can be more than one way to become a girl. Or is that just stupid? I know you probably think I'm weird." My voice was slightly muffled by her coat.
For a moment, neither of us spoke. We just stayed there, me leaning into her, relying on her, completely helpless and dependent on the one pony I really truly loved, more than whatever attraction I had for Rarity. Then she spoke.
I dont get it, he is gay? Or really a female?
this is so weird lolol
701945
Spike, for the purposes of this story, Spike is a biologically male dragon who does identifies as neither. He has not yet figured out what he does identify as. He is likely transgendered or genderqueer.
I suggest you research gender identities if you want more information.
umm...DAFUQ DID I JUST READ????
This invites the old Nature vs. Nurture question. On the one hoof, or equivalent thereof, Spike has spent almost all his life in the company of mares. Then again, Spike could have been born this way, and who would have known? And who says everypony (and Spike, during the Dragon Quest, claimed ponyhood) is either A or B?
Lots of potential here. More, please.
701986 we need more chapters please
this could be a great thing
dont have to
just a request
702713
I can't make any promises about a sequel. For starters, I don't yet have an idea for the plot, and if the inspiration doesn't strike me, I can't write.
But more importantly, I have two multi-chapter stories I'm currently in the middle of writing. (A World Without Rainbows and The Most Dangerous Game.) I'm committed to both of them, and I've promised myself that I won't do any other long stories until World Without Rainbows is finished.
So, a sequel could happen someday. It's not out of the question. But for now, I have other things I need to work on.
702734 well the plot will probly be his daily life after he cane out
but i understand and i can wait as long as necessary
I didn't wanted to sound rude, i was just confused as hell, good story tough.
Nice introspection into Spike's mind there.
Possibly every thinker worries about their own identity in society at some point. I can't imagine what it's like to be in the wrong body. But I do understand that it can be depressing and cruel when you can't/won't fit society's expectations and standards. The plight of these people must be quite depressing.
Seeing as MLP is (despite its diverse characters) very female-centric, this must be an issue for one such as Spike, who's been around females all his life. That makes this a really interesting story concept.
705342
Normally I don't submit the things I write to EQD. I personally feel that EQD is supposed to be a sort of spotlight to share the best parts of the fandom, both the big stars worthy of spotlighting and the up-and-coming amateurs that have the talent and want to advertise. I feel like, in terms of skill and exposure, I'm below the former but above the latter (I've gathered some followers from the other stories I've written, and thus I no longer need EQD's advertising to attract readers. Thus, according to my opinions on how EQD should be used, I should concede the spotlight to bigger, better, more prominent works, and to people that need exposure more than I do.
However, since this story seems to be attracting a pretty positive response, and it's been hanging out in the "popular stories" sidebar just above My Little Dashie and Anthropology, I made a judgement call a few hours ago to go on ahead and submit it anyway. Since dangit, if this got enough readers to push it into the preview box, I would die of happiness.
In general, though, I would encourage people to submit other people's works to EQD, but only if the reader thinks the writer deserves it. The voice of the masses is a much better representation of a story's quality than the voice of the author.
tl;dr: I'm a hypocrite.
I'm going to stick my neck out here: I read this, I like the fic, but I'm not recommending it be posted. I'm saying this ahead of time because I don't know what the final decision will be. I just wanted to say - this is a worthy fic to read, but I wouldn't choose to post it for a number of reasons you probably won't agree as being worthwhile reasons. Namely, it's a polemic, it's not enough of a story (we're not an advocacy site), Spike is out of character and not enough of the pathos is there. I don't believe "it's a pro-LGBT fic" gets to trump that, nor (and I really wish to stress this) is it a reason not to post it. I just don't buy it. There's no feeling of heart-rending decision-making, it just... happens. "I think I'm a (opposite gender)" strikes me as something that takes more than two weeks (and a sentence to that effect) to come to a conclusion about.
So hey, here's me saying "I'm going to say no, but not because I'm an asshole", and letting you know I'm calling for a second opinion. Make it longer, make me feel that agonizing, make it heart-rending and full of the sorts of pain that such a decision comes with, make me buy the ordeal and I'll happily change my mind.
After a quick trip to Merriam Webster to figure out what "Polemic" means, I realize that you have a point.
Yeah, this story was written in a weekend. It's wasn't something I was even planning on writing until I got the idea about a day before I put pen to paper. It's not a carefully sculpted work of art, (which is interesting, considering that most of my other stories are simple fluff adventure stories, and are thus even less worthy of being considered artistic.) I submitted it because I got excited from the positive feedback, and I kind of got a big head.
I agree with everything you said. I shouldn't rush things like I so often to.
Also, based on the way you're wording this, I'm assuming you're my prereader. Thanks for the open communication. I think that's awesome.
706178 So will there be more of this story
706493
Perhaps eventually. Or perhaps I'll rework what I have. I agree that the story could use some more work.
However, it's low on my list of priorities. I need to get the next chapter of World Without Rainbows out, and then maybe we'll see.
706178 yes, and it looks like it didn't get posted. Sorry about that. The real clincher was that your story is too light to buy your version of Spike. If you do rework this, you should really sell what it means to go through that sort of gender identity crisis, because in the show Spike is very vocally against "all that sort of fru-fru stuff" despite his being glad about the ticket, and despite his being teased in the dragon quest episode (it was more of a foil for how dragons really were, and for humour). The sentence about two weeks just didn't cut it for me. I know a few TG people, and from what they say it was years of agonizing before they even attempted to find alternatives. Granted, showing that is nigh impossible in a story, but you can do more. You should, if you feel drawn to, and you can of course resubmit.
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Thank you. I know that some people complain about the prereaders, but you have been very helpful. I'm beginning to wonder if those people just don't like constructive criticism. I'm sure you have some horror stories from your work.
In the end, I violated my "don't submit your own works rule," but was met with helpful criticism, advice, and steps in the right direction. I regret nothing.
I do realize that I downplayed the tragedy of the situation, but this is ponies. Try as I might, I don't think I have the willpower to make these ponies suffer.
tl;dr: Thank you, midnightshadow. You take time to help EQD and help other people with their stories, and that makes you one froody dude. Keep being awesome.
708741 Mostly, people do not take kindly to having their special snowflakes criticized. We make mistakes, we're human (or ponies
) and we don't always make "the right" decision, but we try. It's why I started the training grounds and the pre-reader thread on /fic/ on ponychan. Horror stories? Yeah, there are a few memorable ones.
You should always submit your own work, please do not be put off. Do you need EqD? No, not as an ego-boost. You can write, you just didn't this time take your own work seriously enough. I know this is ponies, but when you write serious stuff, be serious. I totally agree, being "mean" to these cuddly ponies is extremely difficult.
Well, I've got to admit this is quite a unusual (and perhaps touchy) subject for a fanfiction. So massive credit to you on that.
I think you handled the subject way better than I expected. It still seems like this "version" of Spike pretty much comes out of nowhere. An greater insight of the reasoning that leads this Spike to the conclusion that (s)he doesn't identify as male would have been both interesting to read, and made everything more believable.
One little thing I thought was strange, also, was that even though you make him say/think that he still isn't sure if he identifies as female or not, the characters (including Spike) are quick to call "her" a "filly", etc. It kind of contradicts the whole "gender doesn't work in a binary way" thing.
Gender identity issues are neither something that I find relatable nor offensive, so I can't say this fic hit me in a particularly significant way, but I do appreciate a good old "secret to reveal" scenario.
Oh also, nice characterization, for the reactions to Spike's confession. Particularly loved the "Can't say I understand, but there's a lot of things I don't understand" line from Applejack, for some reason.
So anyway, nice original idea and pretty good execution, apart from what I pointed out.
All I can say is brilliant; simply brilliant. If I'm honest, I wish I had a fraction of that little lizard's bravery and resolve. Bravo, Sir! Bravo!
If I was Spike, I would have grit my teeth a tiny bit with those responses (subtly off in the way that better responses tend to be from my experience; so I guess their responses were very plausible) but then again, when one is expecting the worst, its hard to notice a few blemishes when it turns out well. So it was quite realistic in this respect.
Overall, what is presently here in the story so far is a good base and part of the house. Like many have said, Spike's feelings and thought processes could be extended a bit and connect to their (singular they is my favorite) past experiences some to finish or round it off. Midnightshadow mentioned the Gala ticket and Spike being vocal against "fru-fru stuff." These among other things could actually be some of these connections to Spike's past if played right. There are a plethora of ways to do it if you feel so inclined.
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That addition was VERY GOOD. In addition to making the story more clear for the audience; Spike would definitely have had to think about this topic and would know they would have to talk about it to Twilight since the "maybe I am just a feminine guy" is a much easier conclusion to come about oneself than the "no, that doesn't quite fit, I'm not a guy" conclusion. So, two birds with one stone.
701772 You know, I got to agree with Cloud on this, I'm male and not gay in the least...I like cooking and cleaning (not that I have a choice) and I more into depth with how I feel about and look at women then most 'men' but I'm honestly confused on how Spike protrays himself now...is he a female? Is he a he/she? I'm so confused, sure some things can be neither but that's such things that are not in gender bound, such as Death or Fate or Karma or Destiny, ya know....I'm sorry, I can't chose if I liked this or not, and I was sort of hoping this would be a Spike/Rainbow Dash romance....anyhay, I'll wait for my answer that I'm hoping someone will give to me soon as I go look fro a Spike/Rainbow Dash fic.
767551 Basically from what I derived he's going drag queen but still likes women. Kind of like Mr. Garrison on South Park after the sex change. And I'll have that chapter of Spike and His Six Lovely Ladies out this weekend
If not I have to throw my proofreader to the wolves.
767918 Hmmm.....I think I understand a bit now, thanks Cloud and oh..... can I help you?!
767967 Nah, I just have to finish the last part of the build up and then the fun parts. I have something else to finish tonight and tomorrow and then post once that's proofread. Then Lovely Ladies get's all my writing attention for the rest of the week. Your welcome, and yea this was... strange.
768003 Very well and despise our differances in pairings, we can find some...natural ground at least, correct? I'll be reading your story Spike and his six lovely ladies, hoping it's more then just Spike/Rarity romance and having a feeling that it is. Good luck on your new story.
768017 That's the idea. I actually think people will like how I showed the emotions for Dash and Fluttershy better then how I did for A.J. and Rarity. The post is an update not a new story though.
768045 Cool, can't wait to read it, I'm also down for some Rainbow Dash/Fluttershy and I'm hoping to get into Applejack/Rarity, never read that pairing before.
768076 I can't stand that pairing. It just doesn't make any sense. Notably if you want to continue this My blog would probably be better since at this point we've spammed like 10 notifications into this authors pop up box. I hold all types of rants there.
701896
Hello..umm..I'm sorry but I don't understamd your fic. Is Spike a girl/dragoness ?
828278
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transgender
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity
828403
Oh..now I see....
767551
You are absolutely right that a guy can most definitely be feminine and still be male (just as RD is masculine but still female), though there is a subtle difference between a feminine guy and an equally feminine girl (and similarly a masculine girl and an equally masculine guy) which is what Spike has been grappling with in the fic and come to the conclusion that the guy part of feminine guy is not so accurate. I will definitely say that a similar subtlety definitely kept me in denial about being a trans-girl for a very long time (I'm sort of a tomboy and tend towards the butch side of things). So yeah, the spectrum of gender expressions for different genders is very wide, so wide that there is considerable overlap.
833745 You make a very valid point, and I agree with you, I think it's bucked up how males think that if they have emotions or understand women that they are not men, it's really annoying as buck as men think they can do anythnig and shove women in a corner, as if they are only good for sex, drinking or more sex...women have emotions and thought and are very smart, I know a lot of women who can kick a dude's ass, so women should have just as much right as males....ya know?
857531
There are people in the tumblrverse talking about ponies and gender identity? Where?
Pretty cool. I felt that Spike's voice was somewhat OOC. The vocabulary used and such--Spike doesn't strike me as the type to say "perhaps". Besides that, I quite liked it.
Only other thing that bugged me was the mellow tone I got from it. The topic at hand is quite personal to me, but nothing in this really struck home, y'know? Nothing really reverberated with me, despite the fact that it should have.
But it's a bold work nonetheless. Always enjoy your stuff!
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"The topic at hand is quite personal to me, but nothing in this really struck home, y'know?"
This would be because people write from personal experience. With this topic, I have none.
I've been considering expanding this, and if I do, making it as emotionally realistic as possible would be one of my top priorities.
860539
There are quite a few trans* people and cis people who talk about it from time to time in the tumblrpon world (http://rainbowdash-likesgirls.tumblr.com/ comes to mind). Also, there are a lot of trans* people who are fans of the show and reblog MLP stuff on their tumblr's from time to time (I do this and if you are interested in my tumblr, you can PM me). Its actually rather interesting, but I was introduced to MLP by a trans* community that I am in.
1035686
Often, one feels a bizarre combination of fear, hope, and resignation before coming out (note, it is a highly variable experience). Fear that things will go badly. Hope that they will go well and even if they don't, that there will be some relief. Resignation to the negative consequences of coming out (very interesting coupling with fear). Then actually coming out can be rather gut wrenching, especially if it starts going sour. The first chapter of Dash's Secret (http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1876/Dash%27s-Secret) shows some of the emotions from the outside pretty well.
1038745
Sounds similar to coming out as gay, something I have a little bit of experience with (although not a lot, since it's easier in a college town.)