Blue and Purple Feathers

quicksilver4444 #1 · Nov 12th, 2015 · · ·

Missing a couple commas here and there, and I don't think Twilight would use words like "kinda" and "gotta," but it's your fic. The ship feels kind of forced, but the story isn't really long enough to make it seem more natural. It's okay.

Also should there be Sex tag? Or does Romance tag imply Sex tag? I came into this story thinking it would just establish a relationship between Twilight and Rainbow Dash, allowing their character traits to be compared well. That's the point of shipping (right?) I didn't think that the Romance part was just for sex, but to show how to characters interact in a way that shows their traits well. I'm just trying to say that there needs to be a sex tag. Good job writing a story that's not the word dickz 1200 times.

X3n0heart

X3n0heart #2 · Nov 12th, 2015 · · ·

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You're right. I was a bit confused about the tag but I think ill go add it now. And yeah I know grammar isn't my strong point but mu editor should clean it up here soon lol. Thanks for the feed back though. It is much appreciated.

Daring Cammie Do

Daring Cammie Do #3 · Nov 13th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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A few things.

1) Things were rushed quite a bit.

2) Rainbow was being a bit OOC.

3) It would've been nice to have gotten a little more info about Twilight's feelings for Rainbow before she left or on her way to Rainbow's.

4) First person isn't as appeasing as third person to most readers. It's usually best to avoid words such as I, my, we, us, etc unless it's in dialogue.

5) The "sex" scene could use a lot of work.

Other than what's mentioned, there wasn't anything that was too bad in the story. This is definitely a good concept, but probably could've worked better with a better execution of the plot.

X3n0heart

X3n0heart #4 · Nov 13th, 2015 · · ·

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6630548 thanks for the criticism! It really helps out and improves my writing towards the next one. I don't really have to much experience in this type of genre but I'm learning as I go lol. I do agree though and perhaps I did rush it quite a bit and probably it could be longer over all. But thanks again though and I will apply it to everything else I write

Sparrow9642

Sparrow9642 #5 · Nov 14th, 2015 · · ·

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Excellent job on describing the scenes with Twilight and Rainbow, even though I'm not a fan of fanfics based around anything to do with sex. You didn't make it sound gross and as if a pervert wrote it, and wrote it perfect. Nice job, but I don't think I'll be reading stuff like this again. Nothing against you at all, it's just I'm not a horny brony if you get what I mean.

Twilight-the-Pony

Twilight-the-Pony #6 · Nov 16th, 2015 · · ·

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First things first: This story should be marked as "mature". It heavily surpassed the "teen" portion a while ago. While it doesn't explicitly mention parts of sex organs that are usually referenced, it does explicitly describes act of sex.

Moving on, the characters: I've read the comment about Rainbow Dash being out of character, but here's a thing: Both of them are. Twilight barged into Dash's home unannounced because reasons. Sure, she likes to be early and everything, but in this case she practically invades her friend's privacy.

And not to mention, Dash is heavily OOC as well, since she goes "Oh, you're here for a lesson! Let's start!" and Twilight just rolls with it, completely oblivious to what kind of "lesson" she'll be learning. Twilight never gave any kind or form of consent, and Dash just went on because why not. Okay, I get it — Dash was caught in the heat of the moment and all, but she should ask for permission regardless.

And then both end in the bed declaring love to each other.

That doesn't make sense. Twilight didn't feel that way, the story showed that. She wanted a lesson in flying, and she got something she never asked for instead.

Sex doesn't mean automagic coupling. On many occasions there's nothing more than "friends with benefits", that could lead to fully-fledged relationship, but regardless, the ending is so rushed that I'm not really sure what really happened.

Meh.

6632792

Nothing against you at all, it's just I'm not a horny brony if you get what I mean.

That doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make you a "horny brony" if you like to read erotica. It's totally and completely fine if you don't like reading erotica, but what you're doing is, that you're cramming many incompatible people in a single basket.

~Twi

X3n0heart

X3n0heart #7 · Nov 16th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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6638540 thank you for the feed back. Like I've said before I'm still new at this type of thing and it will get better with time. I'm not using that as an excuse and I'm sure that if I did some research on the genre before just jumping in then it would have been a better story. I so appreciate all the insight and I will apply it to everything else I do so I can make it more enjoyable.

Waves

Waves #8 · Dec 1st, 2015 · · ·

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It would have been nice if you would have marked the story as mature. I don't like to be surprised by something like this.

X3n0heart

X3n0heart #9 · Dec 1st, 2015 · · ·

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6686271 you're not the only one who's suggested that so I just changed it. Hope that helps others.

RIPinPepperonis666 X2

RIPinPepperonis666 X2 #10 · Feb 15th, 2016 · · ·

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Honestly, this could be improved on heavily. There could be a lot more dialogue, and a little bit more backstory, like why does Rainbow originally fall in lesbians with Twilight? Also, there are grammar errors sprinkled about the story. <3 Xeno. Hope for the best, man.

RIPinPepperonis666 X2

RIPinPepperonis666 X2 #11 · Feb 15th, 2016 · · ·

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Wait, did you originally not mark this as mature? That's not okay. Xeno, even though you are a small writer on this website doesn't mean that you won't get traffic. There are children on this site, too. You should take your ratings more seriously. If something is even remotely explicit, people should know before hand. Even if the name and picture don't say enough, some people aren't smart enough to catch on right away. You should be careful.