This is just a quick special thanks to Outcast9851, deathbot4, Draven Eclipse, and Stormgnome for helping me with the beginning stages of editing this fanfic. This fanfic was a train wreck of punctuation mistakes, as well as a large number of miss-used words. So thank you to the readers above, as well as anyone who took time out of their day to read my fic.
Heart's and Hooves Day has arrived once again,as always everypony is excited,except Twilight Sparkle. She has never liked this holiday,ever since her fillyhood in Canterlot,she has never liked the holiday. She doesn't celebrate,like or even acknowledge it as a holiday,that is until this year. She takes a chance after a certain somepony,asks her out on a date.
Hey everybody this is my first story uploaded,its really late because I was gonna upload all my stories to my editors account, BrastaAura17 now I've decided to upload a few one-shots on here,hope you enjoy them. Give feedback in the comments.
Special thanks to BrastaAura17 for helping write and the slight editing done to this fanfic,if their are any mistakes comment and I will try and fix them.
Another sappy Twidash, can't have too many of these now can we.
And a little technical feedback.
their - there are a number of occasions where these should be replaced by there or there's
than - is used for comparing more than and less than, then is used to say what happened next, first is did this then I did that.
You are actually the first one i know of that mixes these up like this, a lot of other authors misses the comparatives.
replace with are you.
missing the as
Could use something to tell that it's evening or whatever before this line.
replace with you are or you're
Your is used when proclaiming ownership, Your football.
4416806 Thank you for the help,I'll fix any mistakes,and if you wanna help out more with my writings keep an eye out. I'll be uploading new fics often,so any help with last minute corrections would be appreciated.
hmmmm... not bad... i like it
although some errors, is a good story
4416844 I fixed a decent amount of errors thanks to a previous comment,if,you see anymore mistakes leave a comment for me to correct. Thank You.
4416891
okay
but's a really good story
It's a great story, it's just... Poorly formatted. And punctuated. Oh, Celestia, the punctuation. Nevertheless, i love it. Great story, just get somepony to clean it up.
4417686 Thank you,next time I will have my editor help me with it. He's been very busy next one will be better.
Good story, cute.
Just correct the format, specially give a space after a coma, and check the use of there and their, and other grammar errors, like:
should be
As much as I love Twidash stories, I was unfortunately unable to finish this one, despite its interesting premise. It feels like everything is just being told to you, like you were reading the lines of a script as opposed to a story. There is not much in the way of description which would help the story go a long way. It is important to understand how they feel, not just stating it.
When Rainbow confessed her love for Twilight, it wasn't special. She kind of just threw it in there and it wasn't really acknowledged as it should of been. However it felt swept under the rug.
Another thing that was a bit weird was Rarity already having a dress for Rainbow out of the blue. It would have been an improvement if perhaps Rarity had already noticed Rainbows attraction or overheard Rainbow planning on asking Twilight out, and prepared a dress for her in advanced, something not unthinkable for the element of generosity to do.
Final criticism is that it feels very rushed. I myself understand the urge to get to the good parts while writing but restraint and proper pacing are key. I hope you take some of this to heart as I believe there is no such thing as too much TwiDash and would love to see more in the future, Good luck with your future projects.
It's a solid story concept, but the grammar was bad. You need to put a space after a comma and improve comma use in general along with other issues with proper word usage.
4417869 as for right now, though, please put spaces after your commas.
If you need help with proof-reading, then you can send it to me and I'll help. Just an offer.
4419178 Thanks for the criticism, I went back today and added much more descriptive aspects especially to Rainbow's character. So if you wanna try giving the fic another read, it would be greatly appreciated either way, thanks for the criticism.
Oh my!!! I thing I'm going to cry! I can't believe Blueblood could be so heartless...if you excuse me, I'm going to kill him
~Twilight SD
Blue blood is a Dick always has been always will be
4444065 You are correct my friend. Blueblood was always one of my least favorite characters, but being as how he was the only stallion in the show, that would act like this normally. I decided it had to be him. Hope you enjoyed douche-bagginess, and the fic as a whole. Thanks for reading, more fics to come.
4443974 Please no cry...LOL, Blueblood is always like this, his character even from the show, never came off as a nice guy. Just look at it as, Twilight finally found True Love, even if it was in the most unlikely place. That's what this fic is all about, to tell people that true love is out there for you, all you have to do is be strong enough, to let it into your life. Hope the fic was good over-all thanks for reading and commenting. New TwiDash fanfics, will be coming soon, as well as a new series, of one-shot fics which will involve several different ships. Keep on reading, and have a awesome day.
4445942
Did you know that blue blood isn't even supposed to exist. The reasoning being is blue blood is supposed to be Celestia's nephew but that would mean one of her sibling has to have a child and from what we know her only sibling is Luna and I doubt Luna gave birth to blue blood. Fun fact of the day.
The romance was enjoyable and the ending was nice and fluffy. However, I felt this story was, overall, a bit rushed. The story just had too much "telling" and not enough "showing."
Take the confession scene. It seemed like Twilight responded within half a second after Rainbow's admittance, and her response was more like a deadpanned statement rather than a surprised realization. There was no description as to how she truly felt about the confession, it was only implied that she was shocked.
I also felt that another scene could have been added after Twilight asked for some time to consider accepting Rainbow's date. The sudden change to Hearts and Hooves Day caught me off guard. Perhaps Twilight could have been contemplating Rainbow's offer, being afraid to accept but coming to a decision as she recalled Celestia's words.
I see potential in this fic. I won't give a like but I won't give a dislike either.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4880-8150_88e3.jpeg
Soooo, you aren’t planning to propose to her someday? ;)