Lying to Oneself

by Magatsu Orpheus

Lying to Oneself

Applejack walked around the castle, chatting with the other guests, laughing with her friends, generally having a good time. She hadn't expected Twilight of all ponies to throw a holiday party. Pinkie, definitely, Rainbow Dash, maybe, but Twilight? It was hard to reconcile that with the pony Twilight was, but a year and a half ago. A recluse, who rarely socialized outside of her own circle of friends, now the Princess of Friendship?

As Applejack entered a room, she could see Twilight, sitting at a table and chatting with Shining Armor and Cadence. Big Mac and Marble were chatting it up, for a given meaning of chatting (well, if by "chatting" one meant looking at each other and blushing). Rainbow was telling Pinkie about some prank she had set up.

As she entered, Rarity walked past her, and a gasp could be heard. Applejack looked to her right, and saw Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, stifling laughs.

"What is it?" she asked, failing to understand what was so hilarious.

"Applejack..." Rarity started hesitantly. "Look up above."

As she looked up, she had a sneaking suspicion what it was.

She blushed.

She gulped.

She felt the urge to jump out of the window and escape all this, but unfortunately they were on the fifth floor.

It was a mistletoe.

Applejack tried to walk away, only for Rainbow to step in her way. "Hey! You can't back out of this! It's a law or something!"

Twilight would have corrected her, but... well, it was a little funny.

Applejack gulped and turned to Rarity, who seemed to be at as much of a loss as she was.

"Well," Rarity said. "If you're going to do something... Do it all the way."

Before Applejack could process what she'd said, Rarity leaned forward and their lips pressed together. A thousand thoughts raced through Applejack's mind. Is this-

Why do I-

Is she-

Does she-

Why do I like this?

Soon enough (Too soon), Rarity pulled away. After an awkward silence, Rarity walked away.

Applejack thought, in the distance, she might be able to hear Rainbow Dash laughing uncontrollably, but at that moment, right there, Applejack's mind was filled with only thoughts of a certain beautiful mare with a purple mane.

---

It had been half a month since that, and while Applejack was considerably less catatonic than she had been at the moment, she still couldn't stop thinking about it. It wasn't just that she had found a friend attractive. It wasn't just that said friend was about as different from her as she could get. Those things contributed to her confusion, but the main thing was that said friend was a mare.

No, Applejack thought, I ain't attracted to Rarity. I just admire her beauty.

That wasn't true. And she knew it wasn't true. But it's ever so much more easy to lie to oneself than to admit the truth. So lie to herself Applejack had.

---

Applejack lay awake at night. It had been hard for her to get sleep lately, though she just couldn't tell why. She rumbled and tumbled in her bed, her head still full of thoughts. She wondered how her family might react. She wondered if Rarity would even feel the same way. She wondered if she should tell anyone. And when she did, eventually, fall asleep, she dreamt about Rarity.

The next morning, only one thought filled Applejack's head.

I have an obsession.

---

Applejack decided, after much contemplation, that she needed to talk to a friend. She had considered carefully about which one to go to. She didn't want to go to a psychologist or anything like that because she didn't want to talk to a stranger about these things. Rainbow might take offense to being asked for advice with possible homosexuality (she was very adamant about her straightness), Fluttershy was liable to tell Rarity if pressured, Pinkie's area of expertise was cheering up more so than offering useful advice, and Rarity herself was out of the question for obvious reasons.

That left Twilight as the only option, and not a bad one either. Not only was she quite intelligent, she was a good listener, and she knew how to keep a secret (well, most of the time).

As Applejack and Twilight sat down, Twilight started the conversation. "So, you said you needed advice with something?"

"Yeah, I..." Applejack hesitated for a moment. "How would you know? If you were attracted to mares?"

"Oh? Oh... I see." Twilight said, as though she understood Applejack's intents completely. "Well, Applejack, if I were a lesbian, I imagine I would know when I realized I had never been attracted to a stallion, but had been attracted to mares."

"And... what would you do? After you realized?" Applejack listened intently. Twilight was a smart pony. She would know the perfect course of action to take!

"I don't know." Well, so much for that.

"Oh..." Applejack made her disappointment known. And Twilight, well, if she wasn't sure of Applejack's problem before, she was now.

"Applejack, are you asking me this because you think you might be a lesbian?"

Applejack said nothing in response.

"Well?"

Applejack hesitated for a second more before answering. "...Yes. I figured you could help, since, y'know, you read so much, and..." It sounded a bit presumptuous when she said it like that.

"It's okay. What are friends for?" Twilight gave a reassuring smile.

Applejack smiled. "Thanks, Twilight."

"It's no problem. Anyway, what's the issue?"

Applejack's face fell again. "Well, I just... I don't know. I'm just confused. I don't know if I want to tell my family either."

"Why not? Are you afraid they won't accept it?"

"No! I mean... yeah. I don't think they will, but I can't help being scared. Heck, I don't even know if she feels the same way."

"Who do you mean?" Twilight asked.

"The mare. The one I'm... The one that I like."

"Could you tell me who it is?"

Applejack didn't reply.

"It's okay." Twilight reassured her. "You don't have to say anything you don't want to."

"Nah, I can tell you. The reason I came to you is so I don't have to keep all this to myself."

Applejack paused for a second more. "It's Rarity. I'm... in love, with Rarity."

Twilight looked surprised. "Wow, I.. wouldn't have expected her."

Applejack shrank into her seat. "Me neither..."

"Well..." Twilight paused, at a loss about how to respond. "Have you felt this way a long time?"

Applejack thought for a moment. "I guess so. But I only really knew last Hearth's Warming.

"I see... well, I wouldn't think she would feel that way about you..."

Applejack frowned.

"But," Twilight continued. "I wouldn't expect you to feel that way about her, either." She finished with an encouraging smile.

Applejack smiled genuinely, for the first time in a long time.. "Thank you. I feel a lot better about things now."

"You're welcome, but..." Twilight said. "Before you tell Rarity, I think you might want to talk to your family."

---

That night, during dinner at the Apple household:

The family was eating Granny Smith's apple-cabbage stew. There was idle chit-chat around the table, Applejack waiting for a chance to change the subject.

"Applejack, are you okay?" Apple Bloom asked, worried. She noticed Applejack had been acting odd the last few weeks. Everyone had noticed. And everyone was worried about her.

No. "Yes."

Big Mac raised his eyebrow inquisitively. Applejack aimed her gaze down into her bowl of stew.

Suddenly, Applejack stood up from her chair. "There's something I gotta tell y'all! I..." She paused for a moment. A part of her so badly wanted to sit back down and pretend nothing had happened. But she knew deep down that she couldn't keep this to herself forever.

"I'm gay." There. I got it off my chest. She closed her eyes and waited for somebody to say something.

"What's that mean?" Apple Bloom asked. She was only 8, after all. She didn't know what 'gay' meant.

Applejack thought for a second before replying. "It means I don't want a stallion for my special somepony. I want a marefriend instead."

Apple Bloom seemed to accept the answer.

"Applejack," Big Mac broke the silence again. "I'm ashamed."

She felt tears welling up in her eyes.

"Do you really think we care about you so little, that something like that could ever make a difference?"

Applejack looked up, and saw Big Macintosh with a sad look. He stood up from his chair, then walked over and hugged Applejack.

Apple Bloom got up and joined the hug too. "I don't know why you were so nervous. I don't care at all, you're my big sister!"

Granny Smith joined next. "I might be old, but I ain't gonna think different of you just 'cause you don't like stallions."

Applejack slept perfectly well that night.

---

The next day, Applejack stood in front of the Carousel Boutique. She carefully considered what she was going to say. She couldn't just leap in and profess her undying love for Rarity. She would need to breach the subject carefully and considerately. She raised her hoof slowly, and knocked gently on the door.

"Coming!" She heard a voice from inside. The door opened, and she saw Rarity, smiling. "Welcome to Carousel Boutique, where everything is.. Oh! Applejack! Come in, come in."

Applejack entered and sat down on a chair, waiting patiently for Rarity to sit down as well.

Rarity came and sat down next to her. "Now, what is it you wanted to talk about? I hardly think you came for idle chit-chat after all."

"Well, Rarity... I just..." She paused for a moment, then steeled her resolve.

"Rarity, there's something I have to tell you."

"Hm? What is it?" Rarity asked with an inquisitive look on her face.

"Well... I just, I had a question. Rarity, would you like to go on a date with me?" She asked, anticipating the answer.

"Oh, Applejack..." Rarity said. "I-"

"That's okay, you don't gotta say no more." Applejack interrupted. "I know you prefer stallions." She got up, preparing to leave, when Rarity grasped her hoof.

"Applejack, it's rude to interrupt." Rarity chastised her playfully. "And while it's true that I prefer stallions, that does not mean I am completely averse to relationships with mares. I was about to say 'I would love to.'"

The smile that spread across Applejack's face at that moment was wider than a movie screen. "Really?"

Rarity giggled, amused. "Yes, really. How about you pick me up here at 7:00, on Saturday?"

"I'll be here!" Applejack replied, trotting out of the boutique, confidently yet enthusiastically.

And in that moment, on that day, Applejack felt like everything was just fine.

Comments

[CommisarSilver]

Sweet.

[WolfQueen101]

D'awwww i loved it so kawaii!!!

[Mojo12]

Pretty good but I think this is the kind of subject that would be best be served by a multi chapter fic. As a oneshot it all kind of felt a bit too fast.

[Tumbleweed]

It's a cute enough story, if kind of a 'standard' ship-fic.

Then again, I'm a sucker for Rarijack, so points!

[Amellia Rose]

I thought it was adorable!

[Some Random Brony Online]

Applejack," Big Mac broke the silence again. "I'm ashamed."
She felt tears welling up in her eyes.
"Do you really think we care about you so little, that something like that could ever make a difference?"

Trollestia has been dethroned.
Big Macintosh is the new princess of trolling.
ALL HAIL PRINCESS BIG MAC!!

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