The Fight

Celestia hears laughing in Luna's room and checks it out because it sounded like there was somepony else with her..They are soon in an argument,and stuff goes down.This was one of the worse days of Celestia's life.,but mostly Luna'ś because it brought up some scaring memories from the past.

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Comments ( 11 )

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FluffyDold

FluffyDold #1 · Jan 2nd, 2016 · · · The Fight ·

Hey! Great story!

So, I personally think that the original idea for it is great, especially with the whole 'Luna hit Celestia in the same place when she was Nightamre Moon' thing. Awesomeness, my friend-awesomeness indeed.

However, there is a slight problem with...thy dreaded punctuation (dun, dun, duuun ).But hey, it really ain't that bad-just a couple of mishaps here and there. Like:

“Luna it’s just your dumb and demented sister,you can come out now.”Celestia was glaring daggers at that pony but stopped when she heard her sister start to giggle.
“Roman,dumb no,but demented,yes.” Celestia's face was getting red.
“So her name is roman,Luna I don’t want you hanging out with her.

If I were you I would write it a bit like this: "It's just your dumb and demented sister, Luna. You can come out now," Celestia was glaring daggers at the pony but abruptly stopped when she heard her sister's giggle.

"Roman, she's not dumb-but demented- yes."

Celestia's face reddened. "Ah," she realized, "so her name is Roman. Luna, I don't want you hanging out with her."

I tried not to change most of the words, yet I will bring notice to the 'Celestia's face reddened being followed up by the statement of her realizing the other pony's name' segment, since it does seem a bit out of the blue for her just to switch emotions so quickly and easily like that, but I'll let you figure that one out.

Either way, I feel like I'm about to start another one of my infamous rants so, I think I'll just leave it here. Now remember-you're an awesome author with a limitless imagination, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise :)

~Fluffy

Cynders Domain

Cynders Domain #2 · Jan 2nd, 2016 · · · Epilogue ·

6791561 I'm glad you liked the story and those are some changes I will make,thank you.

Cynders Domain

Cynders Domain #3 · Jan 2nd, 2016 · · · Epilogue ·

6791572 no. if it is too short to be an epilogue I shouldn't have done it huh. I just wanted to attempt to right a small little comment like I see at the end of books sometimes.