One day six teens are about to watch the new episode of My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, when one of the characters' brother does some spell out of a book he found at the library. This book then transports them all into the Mlp Universe trapping them forever. They seek the help of Princess Celestia to find a way out of this world, since they had a life in the human world. Soon though the new humans in Equestria make friends with the ponies of PonyVille.
They soon form relationships with these ponies and darker secrets are revealed about the twins internal self. A revelation of knowing one self happens when Mother Deborah is killed by an mlp villain. With this they learn of the true consequences, that a world filled with pastel colored horses could still be proven deadly. Follow them on their journey of trying to escape Equestria, in fear of their own lives.
- Member Since 14th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen Nov 16th, 2016
theflaminggay
I'm a cool gay guy who loves all the fandoms. I especially love Pokemon, My Little Pony, League of Legends, tons of Anime, and Supernatural. I love to read stories of many kinds.
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Rojack79 · 35k words · 197 15 · 4.1k views
- SkyShrieker · 15k words · 217 21 · 9.8k views
- SFaccountant · 266k words · 505 22 · 11k views
- HeatseekerX51 · 218k words · 58 2 · 1.9k views
- Authora97 · 100k words · 185 34 · 3.1k views
- Onomonopia · 88k words · 462 11 · 7.6k views
- Chaos Seeker · 18k words · 34 5 · 1.8k views
- Hilord17 · 86k words · 868 38 · 14k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.092 seconds
Total duration
876 users online
415,433 hits today, 2,439,861 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
"Reads description of fic"
d2ws0xxnnorfdo.cloudfront.net/meme/607083
*looks at cover art that includes a Stargate*
... What?
Moar
I'm just going to wait for more.
Ya know, text walls are overwhelming.
I think your character exposition are a little too straightforward and go into details for each in turn of the a little tedious after a certain point. The way your characters behaviors feel a little stiff and despite these exposition they don't seem to show a lot of personalty at the moment. For what I can tel, you the problem is that you go too much in explanation about everything and don't let your your characters actions and words tel the readers how they are. I think you could still fix these problems in the next chapter, but with you having to introduce so many characters at one I fear that they might be constantly cloturing the scene. I might suggest that you divide them into a smaller group when they arrive in Equestria, so that you can present who are those characters and give them a chance to interact with their environment.
Good luck on the next chapter
6581656 Well I was looking for a picture that would show a portal kind of thing to take them to Equestria. In that, I only really thought that the Stargate picture was appropriate for what I wanted. Also since my artists are busy and me low on money I didn't want to pay someone to draw What I needed.
6582724 And yea the next chapter will, at least to my best ability, flesh out the characters on where you will read people's personality and see them as actual characters. of course sometimes I'm not the best at this, but hopefully I can make these characters likable and relatable. And yea, they will be separated on many occasions, but at first will stick together since they don't really know this world's every detail.
6584131 don't worry everyone were beginners at some point, you will get better at this as you go along. As for skill level you are already leagues ahead of me. Still, I strongly suggest that your characters be split off for the sake of letting your readers the chance to get to know them one by one and see how they interact with the main character and their surrounding.
6584169 And just like the show (which will always be better then my writing) the pilot was set there to set up characters, but it does sometimes end up feeling rushed and/or too expositional. Thankfully though it's a series so I have time to get comfortable with writing their characters and fleshing out their personalities. Also thanks for the critical feedback I think I really needed it, since everyone needs to be taken down a peg and not have their egos be stroked.
laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/alien-silly-walks-20110731-231535.jpg
6584112
Fair enough,
Well, you have certainly improved in you character development that is for sure. But your story is unfortunately showing some of the worst symptom of a bad HiE, where the main characters are welcomed with open arms, their story automatically accepted by the locals and everything is served to them on a silver plater all the while they don't have to lift a finger to get what they want. The problem with those kind of stories is that, where everything is served up to the characters their is no challenge for them to overcome and they don't need to adapt to their new environment, and all secondary as well as tertiary have all their existence revolving around then and don't have personalties of their own.
One of the flatten example of this is seeing Apple Jack and Big Mac just accented the story of some strangers that they don't know anything about just put every thing down that they where originally supposed and go built a house fully furnish for them with out any compensation. That is something that simply would never happened in realty, I known this is a magical land that is which isn't real, but their has to be a bases of realty somewhere. I strongly doth that you and your family would ever shelter a group of homeless people that you don't know and take care of their basic needs. The easiest way for the apple to help them, event do they would be them uneasy to take care of so many people atones, would be to offer shelter shelter for them for a night or two in exchange for some help around the farm until they can get job of their own.
Also I am surprised that every one seem to accept their situation so easily with out providing any proof to them especially to the the princess, who at the very least would try to make a background or magical scan check to make sure that what they are telling is true
I think the Idea that the main character being gay is interesting, and having one of his friend having a sudden change in his preference in also, I think this could be worth exploring more in dept. Also the characters seem to accept their situation way too easily; they are lost in a world that they don't know other then the show and their bodies have been violated to their very core and their is no sure way that they will ever go home or to return to their original form.
Sorry for blasting your story like that, the problems with the it where just too glaring for me to just ignore like that. I hope it will get better here on out.
6608436 Okay I read over your short story of a comment and yea I totally agree with my glaring problems and yea I might change up some things as I go along. And yea I did want them to have more problems, but at the same time in the real show or movie characters are accepted pretty quickly. Like for example when Twilight and the Dazzlings both come to Canterlot high and they are pretty much accepted almost immediately. Also even after Sunset Shimmer nearly tried to kill the main six, Twilight accepts her Oh my Celestia I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing I don't understand friendship oh no help me. But anyway I agree with you about my problems and I will, to my best ability, fix some glaring problems and I love the constructive criticism that you give me. With your comments it helps me write these stories just a little bit better.
6608436 And with it also being through one character's eyes and thoughts not everything will be clear especially background things. As in the Celestia checking if these characters are lying or not, there is no way for the main character to know that unless he was there when it happened. And not everything was on a silver platter only their living quarters, which I will add some labor so that it doesn't seem for free. Also the main character is comfortable with his new body well I have no explanation for that, but he doesn't know about how the other's feel unless they told him exactly how they felt. And of course I will delve deeper into the other's and their though process and how they feel about their whole new environment. Basically with the chapters that will follow this chapter will try to improve upon each other and get better overall.
6608612 well if it could help, maybe they where actually expected to come to Equestrial, for some unknown reason and the house is just a way to butter them up for something. they might be in a gilded cage of some sort. I could even imagine that this is not the real Equestria and that the characters are under some glamor that prevent them from seeing what is actually in front of them. They might be stupid teenagers but at some point they might start asking questions. As for work, the princess might arrange some job that are normally made to help well-fair ponies to go back to the work force. The house expenses might reimburses by the crown.
Hope this help
6608593
Well for Twilight, I would say that it is gross incompetence, plus you would expect principle Celestia to know every students name by heart. For the Dazzlings they where apparently transfer students and probably when troughs the normal paperwork to get their or their slave foster parents to to it for them. For Sunset, yes it is a little harder to explain that she could stay in Canterlot hight, but remember that that world doesn't have magic and that no one would probable believe that a teenager wheeled magic powers that she got from a gala price piece and that be sheer dumb luck no one actually took a photo of the event seeing that they were all mind-controls zombies at the time. And would you refuse the order of a magic wheeling pony princess from an other world that the enemy that had just tried to kill her(?) to help be reformed? Plus principal Celestia can't expel her if she doesn't doe anything that is actually bad enough to expel her without bringing scrutiny on to her.
Well the point is that you can find mundane reasons for why they were accepted as «normal students» and not as extraterrestrial celebrities like your characters were
6608663 I have taken your comments into consideration and I need to improve the reasoning of why they are there also give them labor to do so that they don't seem like extraterrestrial celebrities. And I will use your comments to help shape my story a little better and keep it away bad HiE stories.
6610759 thank you for taking my comments so well
, I was relieved to see that I am not discouraging you from continuing practicing writing on this for the learning experience
. Your story might still be not good even after a few chapter, but it will certainly help you how to go about writing and give you a good bases for your next story that you will come up with. Just remember to try and stick with it as best you can so that you can do better the next time.
Still I am looking forward to the next chapter
6610759 it's not that it's bad that they become famous for arriving in Equestria, depending on how you want to go about it, it is just that the characters of that world have other things do other to do with their lives then catering for their every needs of some foreigners. these humans might have seen the show but they don't necessarily know ponies live in that world, and the fantasies that they have in their heads about it that might not correspond to realty. Laws in Equestria might be very different from America, like what are the rules about using magic. You might also think about hygiene rules would probably be different, think about how often they use their mouths to manipulate objects and how they go about exchanging objects to one an other. What about body language signals, remember that horses have different signals then we humans to say what we mean. I have traveled to Japan ones, touching an other person can be seen as being very rude, but their are public baths that I whant to and nudity between people of the same sex is normal in those settings. Wen I want to Belgium it is normal to do a quick peck on each the cheek between friends.
I hope this help a little
I could imagine that Apple Jack gave them a bit pouch to g
6610841 Really the only ponies who helped out my main characters were the main six while every other background pony continued on with their day after seeing my main characters to learn their name and that's about it. Pinkie Pie shows them around town in the same sense that she does with Cranky Doodle and just wants to have more friends as her ultimate goal. With Applejack, she is the only one to drop what she is doing in order to help my main six of characters. While Rarity does what any good shopkeeper should do and attend to your customers and point them in a direction of where they would find an item to purchase. Also Rarity was still doing her job since she came to talk to us after she finished seeming up the dress for another customer of hers. With Photo Finish she only came over because 1: she is spontaneous when it comes to taking pictures and 2: we gave her compensation with the paying of bits. And after Rarity was finished with helping the main characters of my story she immediately went back to the work she was doing. Really Rarity was just being a good shop keeper and treating her customers fairly giving them all the same amount of time. And during the tour of PonyVille Pinkie pie is somehow still being a waitress at the Hay Burger while the Cakes manage SugarCube Corner. Also Rainbow Dash just comes to say hi to my main characters after she destroyed some broken down cottage, but we do no distract her from her work if anything she distracts them from eating. When they go to Twilight's castle/public library they notice that the library is still open and people are reading while Twilight let's them look for the book they need. She immediately goes back tot whatever she was doing after the main characters are settled at looking at the books. With the same example from before about the Hay Burger, Pinkie is a waitress even while she is taking these ponies on a tour so she is still doing her duties while making new friends. And with an example from the show when the map calls them to go to a job they must drop everything their doing in order to fix a friendship problem for ponies/griffons they might not even know. And with the party at the end that's just something Pinkie always does for new comers it's something she most likely did for when any new pony/donkey/griffon moved to PonyVille. And don't tell me Pinkie's parties don't rack in an attendance most people know that her parties are awesome. Anyway before I ramble on, in conclusion only the Apple family and Fluttershy give up their time and resources for free while everyone else s either being paid or wants to make new friends in Pinkie's case.
Yes, I might have exaggerated in my comments. The fact that Pinky actually cut the time for them to visit the town might as scoured my perception of time in the story also. It is just that a large part of the chapter seem to focus on providing all that they would need to be comfortable to stay in Ponyville like the house, the clothes, the books, the animals, the food and the party they didn’t seem to be very concerned about going home at all. I would think that they would even think about getting all the stuff they got that whey wouldn’t be able to use ones they back home and they didn’t seem to be very concern about what happened to their other companions, not even mentioned it to anypony that they were looking for them while they were getting all of that stuff and, aside maybe from Pinky, they didn’t go ask for help from no pony. It is only at the end of the chapter that we learn that the princesses were already informed about their arrival by the characters that were absent from the group and without even asking for it directly the princesses say that they will help them to go home if they can. There is also the issue about how the hole group manage to pay theirs purchases in bits that they don’t have and it is not mentioned how they got it either. As for the mane six, I think that their presence seemed a little forced and they didn’t really needed to be presented all in the same chapter for the sake of the story.
6611835 Yea, but I was trying to get everything out of the way so that I don't have to in later chapters. Also yea the bits don't have an explanation, my guess is that the money they currently had on them when they went to the twin's home. Also yea I don't show as much concern for the mom and Gerald, since there is some suspicion that Jerry may be lying for some reason. But with them getting their essentials over with they don't have to worry about it later when the stakes may raise. And to be honest I need some help since I'm split what to even base the "adventure" part on since so far it's really just slice of life. Also I need to write chapter two, but I don't know what the goal of the chapter should be about, since useless chapters are well useless. I will put what you said in your comments like a further reason why their there, and give more reasoning to applejack building the house for them.
when is the next 1 coming out!?!?!?!?!?
