tailsopony
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'K nevermind, that went down the drain, we're done here.
679136
Your judgement is bad.
679307
Welp, I tried.
679307:
Not sure to read with the comments, but just have to say.......Your Avatar= Awesome.
Eh. On a scale of bad to epic, it's a low meh. Work at it a little more, see where this goes.
679311
:shrug:
679323
Thank you, lovely sir
Well I felt like adding another chapter. I'm bad at dialogue. Ponies say too much. Or rather, one pony says very little and another says too much.
Please give me useful criticism! I appreciate that it's terribad, but I would like some identification as to why. Poor story? Poor writing? Been done before? Difficult to read? Maybe I spend too much time writing things that aren't exactly clop? Maybe I spend too much time writing things that are exactly clop? Help me out here! But thanks for the comments!
Not that I understand any of them in relation to my story except for Syne's. 679346
Also, I have no pre-reader, and the second one was longer so it's likely there is spelling or grammar mistakes in there somewhere. I didn't find any glaring ones, but... yeah. It's likely. Please point those out to me if you happen across any. I'll fix them in a jiffy.
The two horns that had been jammed into her pulsed... <-- First thing that made me go "What the fuck"
Panting, Queen Chrysalis stepped back and admired her handiwork. <-- Well shit.
I knew it was Queen Chrysalis the whole time, and yet, through the whole thing, I really wanted all "Celestia" said to be true. I wanted poor Luna to have saved the day (night), and for Twi to have hope... I also knew better... Poor Twilight
At least she went out with a bang! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Queen_Chrysalis.png
Awesome! Keep the chapters coming!
Huh aorta wierd
This is my fetish!!
Lol, not too keen on the gore though.
But still a good read.
This fic is unnecessary, no offense. Chrysalis was ALREADY being competent.
She created the note of attack to get Canterlot on guard, then snuck in and took Cadance's form. She threw Cadance in a place nobody knew about to make sure nobody would find her (she would most likely die of starvation). The only thing she didn't expect is Twilight's persistence (she didn't seem to surprised by Twilight's appearance, just went "what the fuck" at the 'Sunshine' dance). After fooling all Twilight's friends AND EVEN all of Canterlot ("What they don't know is that I have fooled them all"), she goes to place the previous bridesmaids to guard the entrance to the caverns. When Twilight had flipped out and blatantly called Fake!Cadance evil (ousting herself from Shining, her friends AND EVEN Celestia) Chrysalis knew she had to make the unicorn disappear (Again, the caverns prove their worth). She didn't expect them to survive, and since her cover was blown, it seemed appropriate to lose the disguise. She luckily beat Celestia, one of the most powerful beings in the world (cockiness x100). With Shining incapacitated, the shield broken, and the Mane6 defeated, Canterlot was hers. She didn't think that a starved and weary Cadance could muster the magical charge to free and power Shining's shield spell (which is really how the Changeling were defeated , NOT by "the power of love").
She made only two big mistakes.
-Abducting Twilight (keeping her around or asking Shining to allow her to stay in the wedding would have kept Twi from finding Cadance).
-Keeping Cadance and Shining in the same room (for obvious reasons)
But both of those are obvious with HINDSIGHT.
And why does every 'Changeling win" fic mean death and horror? Chrysalis just wanted to feed her people. Conquering Equestria was just the aggressive version. Conversion pods, feeding = slow death, and all that jazz is just blech and meh.
/my two cents
687983
I completely agree.
I really just wanted to write something evil in the MLP universe. I looked at possible characters and situations to use, and this one seemed to press just a few of the right buttons. So I wrote this up. Sorry if it's not what you want in a changelings win fic. I'd love to read one where they win and it's not all terrible like everybody had thought. That would be a bunch of fun in a different way.
I think most of the "changelings win" stories are dark and death and stuff because the authors are people like me who want to write that sort of thing. Then they look at possible situations. "Well, I could have Celestia being evil already, but it would be so much more fun to have changelings corrupt things. Discord would be good, but how the heck am I going to write him? Let's go with changelings for now and maybe tackle that later..."
My story is not plausible if you're going with 100% cannon. Most fan stories aren't except a select few that read like an episode. Certainly not any "clop" story.
So yeah. I wanted to write a bad thing and I picked Chrysalis to convey it. That's why it's what it is. Maybe I picked a bad name for it. I'm definitely regretting it as I go because I have more story I want to write and it's not as fun if Chrysalis never messes up.
I do honestly appreciate criticism though. Thanks for taking the time to type that out. When I'm done playing with this maybe I'll write a clean one. I'm currently fascinated by changelings.
I was seriously tempted to just write "I completely agree" and leave it at that, but I figured you'd think I was messing with you if I did that.
*Edited for grammar and spelling.
This one has very little gore in it. I have no idea what inspired this.
I'm going to need to check the grammar and spelling as it is twice the size of my last one, which was twice the size of my last last one, and I'm sure I missed some things. Please help point them out to me.
The disturbing part? I still have at least 4 ponies to go. Possibly up to six. I am so going to Tarterus.
As always please help me identify things that are terribly wrong, and anything I could do to improve the flow of the story. I'll happily take a PM if your embarrassed to find your name in the comment section of this story. I completely understand that.
Love the breathplay thing you did. Please keep that up.
Hmm.... as far as things that seemed wrong? Hmm.... -strokes nonexistent beard-
I can't think of anything, sorry.
Should not want... damn you!!!
Cant wait for next chapter
i wonder what you have planned for the princesses? anyway good job sofar keep it up poor twilight i wish she had more freedom and controll over herself.
oh well i'll keep reading for now.
unless it gets real bad. but i doubt it o and what has been done with cadence and shining armor.
Wow, so glad I kept on reading onwards, I thought Cadence was just too darned nice for what Chrysalis did to her (also I think Chryssy is too nice a conqueror to have done that either, she would only raep, not mutilate), now we get to see her actually being nicer with Fluttershy.
Go Fluttershy, it's up to you now to turn the queen's opinion of ponies around, and fix Cadence's horn!
And if you can't, well at least you know the future queen of changelings is in your corner!
...in more ways than one.
Im angry at what you did to twilight, but other than that, great read.
Once again, I have no idea what I made me do this.
The only thing I can promise about this chapter is that it does not end with changeling Twilight lost in lust and raping Fluttershy by impregnating her with hundreds of eggs while Fluttershy copes by experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation to make the pain go away.
I would like to reiterate that this promise only includes this current chapter and no future or previous chapters.
this chapter was awsome
anyway good job portraying rainbowdash i'm suprised at how the changeling was able to turn her so easily anyway this was awsome soo... good job i love this sofar. 
also on a further note i wonder what twilight is up to?
and i still feel really sorry for luna and celestia i'm suprised at how twi was willingly alowed into lunas mind.
711404
Thanks for commenting!
I did want to drag the whole chapter out for Rainbow's sake, but it felt like I was going to have to write 30k+ words to give her an honest go. I also threw in a little time skip at the end to help compensate, I should probably edit the story to make it more clear.
I was pretty much done writing this chapter by the time I got to Twilight. She was supposed to give more exposition. I might add it on as a part two to this chapter. It would have helped along some of your questions. I don't want this to be a maze of chapters, so If I don't put it up before I write the next one, I might have to tack it on to the end of this chapter. I'll make some kind of announcement to read the end of this chapter again if that happens. We'll see what I get around to doing first.
Also this is the first chapter I didn't write all at once. I didn't have a large single chunk of time to write it, so different sections were written over different days. You can kind of feel it in the flow of the story. I tried to smooth it out in my last edit, but It's still present. I enjoyed writing it, but it was difficult for me. This is sort of what I'm trying to accomplish: write something difficult that I enjoy doing.
I currently have three different possible endings I'm trying to decide on. I could really earn that tragedy tag and make this end in a Shakespearean bloodbath of misunderstanding. It could have a bizarre happy ending. Or it could have something in between, more of a bittersweet go. I'll just have to see what happens next.
Maybe Pinkie will help me decide.
I like comments, so please! Any complaints, criticism or anything at all. I actually like getting negative things as they help me improve. Positive things are good as well, but silence sucks!
713066 honestly take the middle path with the bittersweet ending like say twilight somehow convinces chrysalis that the swarm would benifit from befriending the pony's rather than controlling them but in the end she cant go bak to being a regular unicorn and has to leave her friends and join the hive perminantly even tho she saved ponykind. eh things similar to that but that would kinda be a happie ending also the princesses could escape and assist twi in taking controll of the hive and freeing the elements and assisting in the change and helpin the pony's free... soo many ideas anyway its your choice how you progress and also if you want to update your story inbetween chapters you can do an overhaul of previous chapters once you get to certain parts of the story then you could basically put ina blog post saying that you just updated parts of the story to add more story for consumption by the readers. anyway it'll be interesting to see what you put in next chapter how twi handles rainbow.
one last thing, are you going to put in the reasons why luna freely allowd twi into her mind even tho twilight was a changeling?
as for criticism there really is nothing for me to say against this chapter or any of the previous ones. but someone else might if i find anything i'll let you know.
687983
She was dreaming of conquering Canterlot and all that since she was small, I doubt that all she wanted to do was feed her people.
I vote for bizarre happy ending.
Happy ending has my vote as well.
this is fantastic and i want more
I extended the chapter. No changes were made to the chapter, just more was tacked on after Twilight. This chapter is now complete, and reads like a 14 year old's wet dream. On to the next weird thing.
Please inform me of any grammar errors and whatnot, This chapter is huge and I hope there aren't too many mistakes.
I'm taking comments about the direction the story flows into consideration, but ultimately will do what plays out as I write it. I have this problem where I start writing something and it's something completely different by the time I'm done. This was supposed to end with a desperate Rainbow Dash trying to maintain her sanity by killing the changeling who was warping her. As I kept writing the characters, I realized that wouldn't happen. Oops. Storyline change.
Lets see what happens next!
So I don't think this one was as good as the last one. It's certainly not as kinky, and arguably more squicky depending on your sensibilities. But this was supposed to be an interlude anyways. More of an information dump that I threw a clop scene into. Hopefully I'll do better with the next one.
Also, keep in mind I added some stuff to the last chapter, so if the last time you read it it ended with Twilight talking to the changeling, then you should go back to that point again. I added about 5k words or so after that of an encounter with her and RD, and some more stuff. Hopefully between that and this, the story is starting to unfold. Now that I'm about halfway through or so. Damn I'm terrible at story stuff.
As always, let me know if you see any errors. I love to get criticism much more than anything. But I'm always happy for any comment, even mindless flaming! If you're embarrassed to have your account linked to here but like my story, just give me a thumb and a PM. I'll appreciate it and won't tell. Same goes if you don't like it. Tell me what I'm doing wrong/screwing up and send a thumbs down my way. It's weird I have about 1k views and only about 50 thumbs up and down. That's a 5% thumb rate. You guys would make terrible gladiatorial judges.
Again, should not want...
I have a thing for manipulation and stuff, so thumbs up on this chapter
i see your following the middle path tho not as i was expecting i really look forward to seeing how the story pulls through this'll be quite interesting. anyway good scene with shining armoe i do wonder tho will cadences horn ever grow back? and i really do hope they free luna soon even if its under stringint conditions. o and i really do hope that not all of twilights love for celestia is gone that for me would be sad. so heres to seeing what the next chapter will bring maybe rainbow gets to assist in convincing her friends to change and assist twilight. what about that anyway
till next chapter kudos and cheers
Registered just to leave a comment.
So here I am studying for an upcoming exam. Suddenly I decide to read a random fic to relax for a few minutes. And what do I get? I get three hours of unimaginable reading experience. The plot is marvellous, the setting is original, the idea of it all is outstanding and the whole thing combined is purely sensational.
Seriously, it is a rarity to find a fanfic so well written. It is not oriented around the clop, but it still is an important part of the story, and that is what makes it outstanding, along with the quality of the writing.
So, I consider these hours well spent, and even if I will fail tomorrow exam due to the lack of last night studying - I still won't regret it. But I'll blame you anyway, so the only thing you can do to redeem yourself is to write more chapters.
P. S.
Hey, you! Yes, you, random brony reading this post!
Go login/register right now and thumb up the story, or I'll find you and turn you into changeling.
727627
Uhh... Thanks! You absolutely sure you have the right story though? That sure doesn't sound like mine.
Sorry for interrupting your studying, you should really get to that. I'd be pretty ashamed to think you failed because of me.
There are lot's of well written things on this site that I've found! I'm at the moment digging through "Xenophilia". And It's awesome so far. It's much better written then mine. I'd recommend it if you want something more tame than what I'm doing.
725534>>726727
Thanks for the comments guys!
As for the story direction, honestly it will play out how it plays out. I'm terrible at foreshadowing, so things don't always go how it feels they will.
*edited to correct "Xenophilia", I had originally typed "Xenophile"
727762
Oh, don't be shy, you're awesome.
Jeez, man, this story is so good I logged in just to comment on it. Definitely Faving. Each character sounds like Studio B wrote the lines themselves (if they were all really horny).
>>tailsopony
If you ask me, that's how you know you might be onto something great: When you create characters who feel so real, that THEY dictate the story, not necessarily you. As long as there is enough direction to reel the story in if it starts going out of hand, characters like that make for an extremely interesting and convincing read.
That said, you are doing a great job with this story so far. I'm not going to lie, I have totally given up on clopping by now, I would happily read this through to completion without a single sex scene. You've created a really interesting alternate world, and I want to see how the various characters all grow into (or against) their roles in this "new Equestria". So far, you seem to be doing admirably in keeping the characters true their show personalities as much as possible.
Minor nitpicking moment: There are several misuses of the notorious There, Their, and They're homonyms. That aside, it's nice to see somepony who can write comprehensibly. Some of these authors who post stories have such atrocious grammar that it's tortuous to read any length of writing at a time. Thank you for not being one of those writers. xD
I don't know if you're interested in having someone proofread your chapters before you upload, but I'm sure I could set aside some time if you ever wanted me to try to catch the basic mistakes like the there/their/they're stuff that might slip by your radar while you're writing.
I am deeply disturbed and upset...Thumbs Up!
Now you made me want to write a fic of Badass Luna saving the day.
727627
Fine. I made this account specifically to thumbs up this story and say how awesome it is. Now I'm no literature critic, but I can tell the difference between a good story and a bad one, and the fact that I found myself contemplating it days later while on break means that it definitely left a mark. Keep it up!
755794
That is exactly what I meant.
727762
I wasn't sure where to start at first, but I've asked around. It seems the most important thing about Reader-Writer relationship is trust. So we're going to work on that.
I will trust you to continue posting great chapters, and you will trust me to be a honest judge, a supportive commenter and a thankful reader.
If we keep it up, we can eventually get your story into an epic tale of Love, known and favoured by many.
...
Yes, pretty emotional post, so what? I do mean it.
729818
Thanks!
745300
Goal!
755794
Sweet. Thanks for the effort!
756421
I laughed heartily at your comment. But seriously, this was supposed to be grimdark fetish fuel. I just happened to be unable to stick to my plans.
Chapter 3 was supposed to end on a slightly darker note, but I was fine with the note it did end on. Chapter 4 originally had a completely different much darker ending. I had to make serious story changes to accommodate the actual ending. Chapter five was not originally planned, but I was behind on story elements, so I used it for an information dump/ kinda dark clop scene and character building thing. I am currently 12k words into chapter six. I intended to have it out today, but there is no way it's going to happen.
I can't write the lead character for squat, and somehow this chapter is becoming sticky sweet. I can't let that happen, I need some bad stuff to happen for story purposes. I feel bad having all the bad stuff happen to Twilight and Cadence, they need to share the not love. But I don't think I can put it in this chapter... I'm going to have to do another interlude for a different character, or be especially brutal to one or two of the remaining ponies. If no bad stuff happens, my climax will fizzle. Just like my IRL climaxes.
TLDR: New chapter as soon as I get some more time, today failed.
757022
>this was supposed to be grimdark fetish fuel
Indeed the forms our love takes are numerous and varied, and ways we choose to express it are even more so.
I might be alone on this, but Shakespearean tragedy all the way. For some reason, I feel like it might be the least nightmare inducing ending possible, what with avoiding the long term effects of brainwashing and Stockholm-Syndrome and all. Of course, if nightmare inducing is what you're going for, then go with the happy ending.
Also, this story confuses my emotions. In a good way. I think.
Meh. This chapter is done. That's all I can really say on it.
I wussed out on five or more planned clop scenes because I got sick of writing "so and so watched/saw/looked/sensed/noticed" and what have you. How the heck do you write for voyeurism? It probably didn't help that I didn't manage to give Pinkie a voyeurism fetish. Oops. I just realized what I screwed up there.
I can't write Pinkie for anything, and had a heck of a time trying to do her thoughts. It was very difficult to make ridiculous sentences that tried to make sense. As I said earlier this was supposed to end in tragedy with an emotionally broken Pinkie fulfilling her selfish desires by using the changeling as a doppelganger for what she really wanted. That unfortunately required a more cruel caretaker and a lot more unpleasant clop exposure. Boy did I mess that up.
I also only managed to hint at story progression instead of actually doing it. All in all I'd call this chapter a failure, but I had fun with some of it. I'm probably going to enjoy writing the next one though, because I'm sick like that.
I must have started and restarted this chapter ten times before I quit trying to be completely in character and just went with one of them. I kept some of my silly jokes though. I'll probably come back to this chapter later and do some sort of major re-write, adding scenes and changing dialogue to not suck. That isn't happening any time soon.
On the plus side, I think I came up with a decent trick. I also did something (poorly) for some SOB on Omegle who likes something particular. And it's the most character's I've had in a scene doing cloppy things at the same time (4). Hedonistic orgy here we come. And teeth. Why do changelings have fangs if they eat emotions? I know why! That was actually an Idea I had earlier, but it didn't really fit with the previous characters, except maybe Fluttershy. But I had other plans for her.
As always, please let me know of any grammar or spelling errors. Also if your confused about anything as far as who's doing/saying/feeling what. I tried to make it clear but it gets amazingly difficult when you have two nearly physically identical characters with no names in the same scene.
On to the next weird thing. Hopefully I'm more talented with that one.
Things I added: Paralysis, voyeurism, exhibitionism. Maybe more. I certainly had more planned.
actually it went pretty good nice job
also you did fine with the pinkie dialouge. no visible mistakes to this eye so thats fine anyway yuou did a fine chapter even if it wasent up to your expectations.
You do write a good Pinkie, you know. It was pretty funny at times. That poor changeling
And I wondered about the same thing, the teeth. I just figure it's for defense or something, if they're found out and the like.
This chapter did feel less exciting, which might be a poor description, it lacked zazz.
But damn, Pinkie's plight is just unsettling, I mean nothing that's happened so far has been good for any ponies but this one got to me. Watching as your best friend/hopefully something more, delights in submissive bondage with your captors, all while being told and shown you can never have her in the relationship you always wanted. That's the sort of thing where if Pinkie just shut down entirely I would not be surprised at all, that's the sort of thing that breaks pony's spirits.
Looking forward to Rarity and AJ.
Absolutely loved it. You have been doing a great job covering every angle with the different personalities! I have really enjoyed going from hardcore fetish to something freaky (which is always my favorite) to sweet and then funny. Its been a roller-coaster of enjoyment! Stories with nothing but hard fetish every chapter can be like eating cake every day for a week. If you change it up you end up enjoying the cake even more when you finally do get it.Though I think the story has gotten me in the mood for another hard fetish or freaky (hoping on freaky) chapter next ^..^
Also seeing rainbow in the green goo harness... SSOOOO AWESOMMME!!!!
773586
Thanks! I'm never sure how things come out for other people, only how they sound to myself, so I kind of rely on comments to let me know when I screw up.
773687
Thanks! Yeah, the changeling was the one who was actually tricked in the end... maybe I should emphasize that slightly more... The changeling was still supposed to be better off than Pinkie though... I also still like the paralysis thing. That might come back up if the opportunity arises.
773780
Part of the reason it was not exciting was that I was constantly worried about how to make Pinkie somewhat in character. I also broke up the paragraphs too much with observations and random Pinkie thoughts instead of focusing on the action at hand. If I was to re-write, I'd probably put more effort into separating the sections, leaving the clop sections more cloppy and less.... Pinkie.
Also, this was basically a chapter of missed opportunities for me. So many horrible things to do and I went with that? Really... I'd probably add a lot more distressing clop as well during a re-write. I really wanted to traumatize her and leave her more emotionally broken, but I just couldn't figure it out and kind of wanted the chapter to end again. I guess a happy Pinkie will work for a little while. Maybe if I focused on writing one clop scene at a time, and then put them into the story? I'm not sure... I might try writing the next one with a completely different strategy. And thanks!
774814
Thanks! I guess you're kinda right. It's a little concerning considering the length of my chapters though. I'm guessing if someone wants to sit down and spend however much time it takes to read my stuff then they feel kind of cheated when I have a crappy chapter/not the thing they wanted chapter. Maybe I should try shorter chapters for my next story. I also liked the idea of a green goo net suite. It seemed fitting. Get it? A suite? That seemed fitting? I think I'm going to avoid comedy for a while, it's just not my style. I keep getting wrapped up in making a sticky pun, and only end up trapped in some convoluted, tangled mesh of puns and bad analogies that's so far from funny it's downright sedative. I'm bad at this.
776461
Thanks! I'm not completely sure what's up next. I definitely have a sadism/masochism chapter coming up soon, but I don't know what other things will pop out. Maybe one of them will be that thing you seem to be excited about. We'll have to see what Twilight or Chrysalis does as they are the only two with... fully functioning... bits. I won't just throw it in if it doesn't fit, and I won't make major story adjustments just to add it. But there is a situation I might be willing to work with in one or two of the next chapters if they happen to go the right direction. My things always seem to go somewhere else when they get going, so no promises.
That being said, I am more likely to consider adding something/re-visiting something if it's requested in a comment somewhere. Occasionally I blank for ideas and have to grab them from Omegle or comments on here and clopfic.heroku. One thing from Omegle made it into Pinkie's chapter, and I'm going to try and work in another thing to another chapter because it's interesting to me.