Pajama Pudding
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I'm usually not a big fan of bad end fics this one was really well thought out! I'd love to see what else you'll write.
Very sad so very good
Meh, Cadance felt too OOC for me to really get into it. Also, it could've been much more sad if you added another time skip where "Shining Armor" reveals what happened before he dies, and the utter despair that'd put Cadance in. :)
“Yeah, it’s been a lot of fun, hasn’t it?” Shining laughed, snuggling next to her.
“—but the one way we haven’t done it is me with a cock, and you with a cunt, getting fucked.”
“What.”
It wasn’t even a question. Just a knee-jerk articulation of braingohuh?
Cadance jumped out of bed. “I’ve been reading up on some of the forbidden magic in the restricted section of the crystal castle library. I found some really interesting spells I’d like to try out on us. Spells that can give us really incredible perspective into how the other half lives.
“What.”
“I want to give myself a penis, turn you into a bitch, and fuck you silly ‘til the sun comes up.”
“What.”
https://media4.giphy.com/media/xuDHhHcCR0rew/200.gif
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Well, for it to work it had to be that way. But yes, alternate ending would be great to read. And yeah, why not just invite real maid?
This is the best mind-control clop that I have ever read. It delve gradually into every facet of the situation so seamlessly that you countlessly know how bad the situation is for Shining in every way considerable at the moment. I like how Shining gradually slip deeper and deeper into his new role and how powerless he becomes because of it. I also like that the story goes beyond just the clop but also see a good story behind it. I love these kinds of bad ending mind-control transformation clop.I hope to see more like these kind of fics.
I sorry for shiny
You know, this is getting a lot of dislikes, and I think it's because of how dark it is, which isn't fair, because it is really well written. So have a like.
Also, maybe don't name your husbands sex persona after an actual maid.
I dunno, the ending loses me. The whole thing with Cadance changing the wrong person just raises too many questions and breaks my suspension of disbelief. It just feels like you were desperate to pull a bad end when it wasn't really necessary, and it comes off as contrived as a result.
6674546 Eh, you can always headcanon a reformed Discord would sense some kind of residual chaos magic and it eventually leads to them finding out the truth.
I will be honest, I was expecting this ending way from the start, and honestly..it kinda went worse than i expected I thought it could be far better than what is put out, however it is a solid piece, just to many things that don't make sense. excluding the obvious "How would she NOT notice her spells not being there" but the fact that "Shining" is putting a entirely different personality and since she had her own idea of who shining is she wouldn't know what ot hide or what to do in his place, but honestly it also lacked on the one thing it tried to sell on.
Clop, the clop was well EMPTY not there it didn't exist in over 10 thousand words, it just said "they fucked" pretty much and it honestly doesn't go well when you're reading something for the sex and theme alone.
so if i had to rate it (And since you asked i will) I'd put it as a 3 out of 10, you did lack on a lot of content and put in so much filler it was empty.
I hope you do better in other stories or try to sell less on something as it kinda did sell a lot on it, and focus on your true element, that said you can use it but be descriptive no one is gonna hate you for word count if you make it worth the read. (just to note i don't mean describe everything but the acts of the character should be taken into more detail.)
This all said, it was thought out in what was happening in general, if i was more invested to care or if I was hotted up I'd be more then happy wit hit, but in this case you let the plot get in the way of your sexual theme which AGAIN you did say it was. I'd feel this is kinda like a blank shooting board it was well done and executed, but had no flair to it or not element you wrote it perfectly, but it lacked flair to keep attention
This was a very well-written story and an excellent showcase of the bigger dangers of mind control.
All the more reason that I wish this story had a happy ending. I loved the first half, but despised the second half.
(Kind of like "My Roommate is a Vampire", only with porn)
I really hope people aren't disliking this simply for the bad end. I mean it SAID it would have a bad end.
That being said I will not dislike this story, even if I didn't enjoy it that much. I don't really care for 'bad ends' in general, but the concept of the story was interesting enough that I gave it a look over.
My main problems are basically, it sounds like nearly every maid/staff member has 'Lowly Servant' do horrible things. Which just seems really unlikely.
Also, don't you think Cadance would look at 'Lowly Servant' and go: "Gee, she sure does look an AWFUL lot like the maid I turned Shiny into"
Also the end line really kills it. Cadance is the Princess of Love. I can't see her being that heartless.
Bah, reading this really makes me want to churn out a 'happy end' unofficial sequel.
PS: That's not to say I think the story is horrible or anything. For those that are into these kind of dark stories, I imagine they'll be rather happy.
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bad ending becomes the worst ending
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Thing is, whole AU looks kinda... meh. Servants being treated almost worse than slaves, then we have Princess of Love and Shining, being totally heartless and uncaring about that. LIttle thought put into whole transformation process, no safeword, as already pointed out before, which is unusual for couple that tried everything for a long, long time. Cadance being so brainless she forgot what her transformed husband looks like. Casual sexual slavery, that, if nothing, would make servants uneffective and tired, which would be noticed rather quickly, if we to believe they have drill-headmaiden for that... List just goes on.
But finny enough, what really breaks my personal immersion - new maiden slipping into role of real Shining Armor that easily after being transformed. While she may have magical persona, she has: no magic, no experience, no knowlendge about anything aside servant things, no way of knowing how to talk with Twilight, list just goes on. And for three months no one noticed? Please.
So yeah, 'bad end' doesnt bother me much because its unrealistic. I remember few fics that made me shudder because of how easy they paint slippery slope pony is falling to, or corruption, or plausible alternate ways of fucking shit up, but this fic is not one of them. Still fun read though.
Wow. Like, this was good, and I chose to read it knowing it had a "bad end", but if ever there was a story that deserved the cuckold tag, this is it.
"We're having foals!" I would probably kill myself.
This sound like a modern thing
but make a sequel to this storie of Cadence learning the truth from like discord or something random
FINALLY! A BAD ENDING STORY! AND I Think it was good! (MY OPINION) There are barely ANY Bad ending fics out there and I love this! Good job!!
I like everything but the end, but that's because i'm not a fan of bad ends. Great job overall.
Huh. This struck me.
Thanks for the warning.
I their was ever a sequel I would like it to be Cadance's turn to be under the compulsion spell, or maybe Flash Sentry who discovers the truth about Lord Shining Armor and is turn into a gay butler or something like that so that he is for ever loyal and disgusted by their prison mind. the point would be that Lord Shining Armor learn to love to dominate all others around him and doesn't hesitate to use the compulsion spell to stay on top.
I love me a good bad end clop story now and again but this was less of a sexy bad end and more of a terrible boner killing depressing bad end. : /
I think it's as others said. Her being treated poorly by some people would make sense and was good but EVERYONE treating her like crap on top of the Cadence mix up amounting to misery etc. etc. Was more depressing than a turn on with the eternal maid bit.
That last line smh.
*Reads fic*
*Posts comment*
*Gets up and writes I will not read bad endings multiple times on a chalkboard.*
Can we has alternative ending please?
'cause this is horrible.
(not as in bad writing horrible, but terrifying and soul-crushing realization that kills my boner horrible).
And slightly implausible, as noted above, yes, though I would not necessarily say that this is the most important parts of the clopfic.
6679186 Read your comment, should've listened
Well that's unfortunate.
6679942 eh?
Omg this was so good and Fucked up
Wow, Cadence is like the biggest idiot ever in this story
I still really enjoyed it though, there's far too less stories with bad endings out there, so I'm always really happy when I find a good one
soon as i start and i swear the opening scene is soo familiar that i've read it in another before but i wouldn't know what one.....
but ugh you should have put in the warning for heavy ooc and shity plot , that wasn't a pleasure to read at all , the characters were even below oc standards......
This story borders so close to being the perfect, dark clopfic, and a really juicy example of a mind control & transformation bad end... but it goes needlessly too far with some of the abuse and bad treatment. It also really drags it's feet in the third act and that kind of kills the mood.
Don't get me wrong, I love clopfics with bad ends, more than most people do, but at some point you can take things past "kinky bad end" and go right into "well, now this is just silly". For example...
>Shining Armor gets somewhat forcefully transformed into a helpless filly
Good stuff! Pretty kinky premise.
>Shining Armor gets hit with a personality spell and is forced to actually act like a lowly, horny mare, and then an unexpected technicality spirals things out of control
Okay, wow, this is hot. So many cloppy things can happen here!
>Cadance mistakes another mare for him, and unknowingly replaces Shining Armor
Oh man, that's dark, and I like it! Perfect set up for a bad end where he's stuck as a submissive horny mare, and no one will ever know it's him!
>The other servants treat him like a slave and are basically one step away from physically beating him
Hmm, kinda killing the mood here. You go from a clop scene and all these details about him being always horny... into Shining scrubbing chimneys and being yelled at and crying to himself. Uh, a little unorthodox, but alright.
>Other servants basically rape Shining, and Shining is stuck in pain and agony since he can't get sexual release
Really twisting the knife on Shining's living situation here. You're making me actually feel sorry for Shining and you're making me want him to change back. I don't mean to speak for everyone, but generally in bad end clop fics you don't necessarily want the reader to be hoping the protagonist is saved. The reader should be secretly hoping he's stuck like this, and the reader should have a feeling of excitement at the idea of this story having a bad end maybe. You don't to make the reader cry and feel bad for Shining, it spoils the cloppy aspect of the fic.
>Shining Armor finds out he's been replaced, and the replacement weaves the magic even more against him. He is told to never try and change back and to never try and escape. This will be his life forever... stuck as the slutty maid that no one would ever recognize
Oh fuck, flawless bad ending! The reader's mind (and probably arousal) is running wild! The reader can sit back and smile as they think about how Shining will live his new life. All the pieces are set! We know he's now stuck and can't ever change back! You can only imagine how much fun he's going to have now... oh, wait, this isn't the last scene? There's like a half dozen more scenes? But the story's climax is over, we know how the central conflict ends! The bad end is already here! Well, alright, let's keep going I guess.
>The imposter Shining rapes her
Eh, alright, I'll give it to you, that was pretty hot. Probably should have happened before the imposter cursed Shining to live as a slut forever. We're kind of past the climax of the story already. We already have the bad end in place, so we don't really need more torture to the main character afterwards, but this was a nice epilogue type scene I suppose.
>Shining finishes fucking her, and then proceeds to degrade her further and talk down to her and treat her like shit
Well that probably could have been left to the imagination, and it seems unnecessarily cruel. We already have a bad end of ultimate humiliation, with him stuck as a slutty mare and fucking the man that replaced him. Kicking him when he's down, and focusing the story on fairly boring, non-kinky related subject matter like dusting and changing sheets is a bit fruitless at this point. The climax of the story arc has passed. It would be like if in Star Wars there was this huge suspenseful battle at the Death Star, and then right after the nail biting Death Star battle... the movie shows a football match between the Rebels and the Empire, and the Empire loses the match. I mean, I guess it keeps the story going, but after the intense climax of the story, the readers just kinda mentally spent and isn't at all excited about reading more tiny details about the bad end.
>Scene with Cadance not talking to him
>More degrading maid duties
>Second scene with Shining performing sexual acts on the imposter
Umm, we get it. The story's arc already ended like five pages ago. Ever since Shining met the imposter and was explicitly told to never change back, the story is done. Shining Armor is totally fucked, literally and metaphorically. All these extra scenes are just kicking a man when he's down. Any excitement or kinky arousal out of "cloppy bad ends" ended and now all these scenes only make people feel bad for Shining. It would be like in that Star Wars movie if after the Death Star blows up... and after they lose the football match... and after the Empire loses the bake sale... and after the Emperor misplaces his keys and gets locked out of the house... and after the Emperor gets rained on.... etc. I mean, at some point, you just start to feel bad for him. Any excitement over a bad end for them is over, and it's just... depressing.
>Cut to 3 months later. Shining still living as a horny little maid. Pregnancy announcement. Cadance explicitly remarks how Shining is a just a maid
My grievances with the previous few scenes aside, I actually liked this ending and it worked to bring the story back. The time jump serves as a reminder that "Yes, Shining still hasn't found a way to change himself back, and after this much time he probably won't ever find a cure himself" and Cadance's remark on how he's just a maid covers the other bases, showing that she 100% does not recognize him, and since 3 months have passed she honestly never will. The pregnancy announcement isn't fully needed, but it's nice and covers the very last base, basically it shows that the replacement Shining is still 100% on board with being a husband and he will never admit to Cadance that he's not actually the husband. So, yeah, clearly you know what you're doing here, the last scene forms a 100% airtight bad end, locking Shining into forever being a slutty little mare that does what she's told. That's as hot as it is "bad". You just kinda dragged your feet getting here and finalizing it. The audience already basically assumed this ending like halfway through the story when the imposter first spoke.
All in all, mmm, it was a fun read I suppose. I like the way you think on some parts of the bad end fetish, and you clearly know how to excite the right parts of those kinks based on how watertight you made the ending (Shining is stuck transformed, mind controlled, replaced, mistaken for someone else, and has no chance of rescue). On one hand, that is a little overboard and will scare off a lot a readers, but it's also pretty much the holy trinity of bad ends to cover all aspects of everything, so props for covering all of them in one story I suppose. You just... kinda took some elements too far and the story was too depressing for too long to really be a fun cloppy read.
When you're writing a bad end clop fic you can't have the middle of the story be needlessly depressive or else the entire story just makes the reader sad. If you want a depressing middle, you need a happy ending. If you want a kinky bad end, then generally you should walk a fine line during the rest of the story so the readers aren't already crying before the final line. I think with a little practice though you could write even better clopfics, where it can still have a really bad end, but will be something that's more appealing to more people.
Also, some of the scenes with Shining describing what it was like to be fucked as a mare couldn't help but remind me of a different story.
I kept trying to brush it off as just coincidence, but then I read this line:
Sounds a little bit like a line from Royal Duties
I've tried to ignore this, but it keeps bugging me. This one line:
Okay, maybe there is something I don't know, but WHAT politics? You're Prince and Princess of a kingdom, how can you "dip" into something that is your very job? I mean I guess if it was global politics it wold make sense.
Maybe I'm just misunderstanding the definition of Politics.
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First time poster here. Thought I'd make an account to offer a defense of the story, because it's gotten *way* more dislikes than it deserves and I feel really bad for the author, who IMHO did a really good job.
Yours was a good comment overall, very thoughtful, but I think you have to acknowledge that there isn't any such thing as one-size-fits-all clop. Different people are into different things; TF/TG clop in and of itself is already an esoteric fetish, so that much should be pretty straightforward. The thing is, I think there's a specific subset of people out there who are *only* interested in the TF/TG and the sex, and view anything else as superfluous, extraneous, "a buzzkill," etc… When, in fact, it's not that these other parts are superfluous, it's just that they're catering to a different fetish.
Take the housework segments. I've seen a lot of comments along the lines of, "Oh, what's the point of this, it just detracts from the story," "Oh, this is going too far, it makes me feel bad for Shining," etc. These are folks who wouldn't give a toss if Shining were trapped in the cheerleader's body, Princess Cadance's body, or a feminized version of his own body, they're just in it for the TF/TG sex and the rest of the details don't matter to them as long as that aspect is there. But there are others of us who subscribe to different fetishes, as this kind of thing is actually *really* appealing to us.
For me, it's not JUST about the fact that Shining is stuck as a horny, submissive, mind controlled mare. That's only half of the allure. It's also about the loss of status. Shining goes from a position of power and prestige to one of lowliness and insignificance – that's super hot. Shining goes from being respected and saluted to being looked down upon and treated like shit – that's super hot. Shining lived a life of pleasure before, he was married to the ruler of a country, he had a hot wife who he banged every night, and now he's been brought down to the bottom of the totem pole, forced to wash dishes and do laundry and sleep in a dormitory with three other maids for the rest of his life, and give pleasure but not receive it – that's super hot. If you don't get that, if you can't see how that kind of humiliation and subjugation can be a turn on for someone, then that's fine. But I don't think it's right to declare the story is worse for having them, or that they "detract." Rather, they just appeal to a slightly different brand of TF/TG fetishist than what you probably are. Same deal with the orgasm denial.
For what it's worth, I can attest that if you’re someone who holds *both* fetishes – someone who gets off on the humiliation *as well as* the TF/TG – this is, like, the best fucking clop ever. It’s a double whammy of erotic, it checks all the boxes. Of course, if you’re someone who isn’t into that, I can see how you’d end up feeling bad for Shining Armor in this story… But I still don’t think it’s right to say those aspects are bad or "too much." There are lots and lots of other TF/TG stories out there with happy ends, people can always read Fecundity or something if this is too dark for them, but darn it some of us like it!
(Also, I don’t agree that the other servants are enslaving him and are one step away from physically beating him. I don’t see how there was ever a threat of physical violence in this story. The other servants don’t know anything about the transformation, they don’t know that Shining is under a compulsion and has no free will to refuse them, they just think she’s a slut acting of her own free will, and they’re mistakenly presuming her to be a willing fuck toy.)
You horrible, evil, brilliant person.
Can I request a short story branch off good end? Cause that made me feel really sad for the real Shiny.
This story was so completely dark and sad. It's hard not to feel pity for Shining, especially now that Cadance is having kids with fake Shining.
Good job!
Although I think a sequel into how far Shining descended into his role of being a maid is appropriate. We only saw what 3 months of mind-control has done to Shining, so what would happen to Shining's mind after - say, 2-3 years - being under the influence of the persona spell like this? Could he still be clinging onto the remnants of his past life, or fully become Lowly Servant, the Crystal Castle's slutty, obedient maid in mind? And what if Cadance discovers that Lowly is Shining?
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Thanks for the comment!
I open it up to you... or anyone else, really... to write a sequel, if you want. (One person's already contacted me about writing a sequel with a good ending.) As far as I'm concerned, anybody can use this fic as a jumping off point if they've got an itch to, so long as the original work is credited.
6706787 I'd love to write a sequel. Problem is, I can't write a story to save my life. Maybe I'll write a little bit and let you take a look at it, see what you think.
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Wow! I'm pretty sure I read Royal Duties once a long time ago, although I never willfully set out to imitate anything from it. That is uncanny though! Maybe the line was just so memorable, it stuck in my head? I'm actually curious what other parts sounded similar to you, because I must have one heck of a memory if I'm able to pull from that far back!
Actually, the fic that was probably the biggest inspiration for this one was The Things We Do For Love by The Abyss. It's a pretty well-written, run-of-the-mill Cadance/Shining genderswap, but there's a part in the fourth chapter where Cadance disguises Shining by changing his coat color and giving him a bucket for a cutie mark, with the cover story that he helps clean the castle. The idea for the vibrator spell came from there too. Add a dash of mind control, stir in a bad end, and voila! You've got a super polarizing dark fic!
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Replying to the lot of you, as you seemed to share my desire for a slightly better ending then this one gives us.
I've got a sequel to this written by me that'll have a much better ending for Lowly. You can find it on my profile. It's named Maid to Please 2, so it shouldn't be hard to find it. :P
I'm not going to lie; I hate this story. I don't mean to say that this story is bad, or poorly written. The contrary is true on both accounts. Nor do I hate this story for its horrible ending for Shining Armor; I knew this was going to end badly, and yet I read it anyways.
The reason I hate Maid to Please is because, as Twisted Spectrum pointed out, the story went needlessly cruel at points. It was bad enough with the gut-punch reveal at the end, but the fake's continued abuse, as well as the abuse at the hands of the rest of the staff is just twisting the knife needlessly. The needless cruelty was enough to make me, an individual who usually does very well with the dark stuff, feel physically ill.
So yes. I hate this story for what it's done for me. I will not downvote the story on the merits of its strong writing, but the push-too-far prevents me from, in good conscience, giving this an upvote.
6726089 thank you kindly
6726089 thank you
This story was... depressing to say the least.