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Fallout Equestria: What happens in the Past...

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GPL

GPL #1 · Oct 9th, 2015 · · · Introduction to the 'adventure' ·

W-What is this?

Tenth

Tenth #2 · Oct 9th, 2015 · · · People are strange ·

You know the saying "Almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter"? Well, how about no.

No, how about yes? God damn do I hear that way to much when I play New Vegas. Females, Males, Monsters, and everything in between; I've heard it at least a million times.

Shenanigans

Shenanigans #3 · Oct 10th, 2015 · 1 · · Introduction to the 'adventure' ·

This is what we call an "exposition dump". I recommend trying to fit all of the information in here as part of the story, instead of just telling us all at once. Don't tell us who is smart, and who is gay, or any of that. Let us figure that out by how the characters act. It seemed like you were starting to have something toward incorporating a narrative, but you dropped it as soon as it came up.

Also, your narrator seems a bit like he is super edgy. For some people, that is appealing, I just know that it can be a turn off to have a character that is nothing but a soldier. They don't seem 3-dimensional, and they become a little bit stereotypical because they are that kind of a paragon of soldier. It might be good to expand on them so they stand out from other edgy soldier badasses.

The Criple Brony