- Member Since 30th May, 2012
- offline last seen 10 hours ago
AngelShy24
I'm a mixed basket. Check me out!
AngelShy24
Joined 30th May, 2012 ·
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I must say I'm rather curious to see how this plays out. I like how the narration makes it sound like someone is telling you the story like one would in a movie or something. As far as major issues are concerned, some of the dialogue is rather odd and in some cases off. There are also a few misspellings or improper words. Like exact should be enact. Also watch out for missing quotations and other punctuation marks. I would go back through the story and make those little corrections if I were you. Nice start though
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As mentioned before, this is my first story on here, but I i'm not always good with some grammar, but i'm still working on it.
Thanks a lot.
Hope you and any others enjoy the continuation of it.
I want to see where this goes.
I know it maybe hard to picture a toddler doing what Pumpkin is doing and thinking in this story; but hey, it's My little pony; 4th generation!
right now.)
Things are going to be more intense; as far as Pound goes, he won't go psycho, but he does senses what's going on. That will be shown soon.
Again, thank you to all those checking out my story.
(Man, I feel a little
685639 For me, I can see some kind of logic behind all this. Logic meaning how it's actually believable. This is being incredibly lenient though as the whole situation is rather questionable. I find plausibility in this from how we have already seen strong magical ability being used by pumpkin and, arguably, relatively mature emotional response to a given situation. I find it working so far but I think your biggest hazard right now is pushing it a bit too far and making a Michael Myers thing out of it so I'd be careful about that. I know you said there would be no deaths involved, but there is still a line there that shouldn't be crossed. Not trying to tell you how to write your story, just a friendly warning
Quick tip for writing too: "...and the experience kind of threw her brain for a loop..."
"Whatever happened here must have thrown you for a loop."
Not really a good idea using the same phrase twice in such a short period like this. Also, the way the previous section was written, it makes it sound like Mr. Cake is saying the same thing twice, even if the first instance was intended to be a thought. Actually, I'm not even sure that's a proper phrase to use here (The first time is fine, the second...not so much). You may want to iterate something about being in a state of shock or something like that instead.
Again, just friendly advice
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I do appreciate your advice. I usually don't do dark and/ or somewhat violent stories, but this was too hard to pass up, and will probably be the only story that I do that is this dark. But look at it this way, there are many other stories on this site that is way worse that mine here.
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Then stay tuned... as the story continues!
hmmmmmm. Interesting. I would say that gore scene was pretty pointless but that last bit after the dream actually made it interesting
. kind of.
Quick tip (Yes I am going to keep doing this because I like what I'm seeing so far and I want to show that I care. If you want me to stop, I will):
This is mainly for story interruption sake but is not really that big of a deal. The note about the death scene should go in an Author's Note at the beginning of the chapter so it doesn't interrupt the flow of the story. Also, I would avoid using internet slang/memes in a story unless it's absolutely necessary, or a troll fic
. It takes away from the quality of the writing. So we're clear, yes I am referring to the "seems legit" bit. You normally wouldn't see people walking around using shortened talk like that and the people that do are usually "too cool for school" or live their life on the internet and think it's cool to use it in public where many people wouldn't get the reference. *in-hails deeply* Just my feeling on the mater though 
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It's a bit emotional too.
not that there's anything wrong with you.
Thanks again, I do try.
When I finish this story, I plan on making a short side sequel story that takes place 7 years afterwards. Won't tell you what it's about yet cause that might spoil this story. But I can say that it is a single chapter story and it's clean (rated everyone).
I hope others will comment; I would love to see other people's opinions...
A tad disturbing but I knew what I was getting myself IMO, other than that is is a great sorry and I can't wait for the next chapter or the sequel !
Woah! I though you said that all the violence was only going to be a dream... But anyhow this going great! Can't wait to read the next chapter and then later when you hopefully post the sequel, I'll read that!
*GASP* what could pumpkin be planning!.... And what are you hinting at With the bold lettering...
The story is going great! Can't wait for the next chapter!!!
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Actually I meant that the strongest content of violence was going to be a dream; it's just that outside the dream it won't go as far as Pumpkin will want it; but there is still some violence left. She is attempting one more try, and a certain sibling is going to get hurt out of Pumpkin's frustration.
Prepare for a epic showdown!
As far as the bold lettering goes, that's when emphasize on something.
I'm pretty sure "affect" should have been "effect"
Other than that and minor things, mostly personal gripes, still a good read. I'm still scratching my head at the gummy thing though. But that's just one of the personal things I had. Looking forward to seeing what's next
WHAT!?!? OH COME ON!!! You didn't leave us in a cliff hanger scenario but rainbow dash coming in and saving the day at last second is a tad clique ! But I'm still intrigued and waiting on the next and thanks for keeping me and the res of the community entertained ! We couldn't ask for more!
Dialogue could use some work, but a good chapter none the less. I hope we get a little explanation for the sudden Dash appearance. I don't object to it, I just expect reasoning for it, even though the answer may be pretty obvious being an open window and all.
Also, Twilight: "I totally got this"
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Don't worry, it will all be explained in the next chapter in detail. Time for Pumpkin vs. the... well, you'll see.
Also, some say that the end of that chapter was a bit clique; it is, and it's just how I roll.
See the results of their decision in the final chapter, next time.
Aaaaagggghhhhhh!!!!!! Why do you openly tease us like this! Now to wait some more! Well got any other story you posted or would recommend to kill time from waiting for the big finale?
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However, sometimes I can put down some ideas while working on something else.
Well, with me, I can only fully focus on one story at a time.
I'll be working on my short sequel after this, and plus... I have other story ideas as well... including a simple crossover starring Cream & Cheese from the Sonic Universe.
Absolutely amazing! And props to the artist who drew that awesome picture in the end! I love this story and can't wait for sequel!
Say for the poor choice of wording and the slew of gramatical errors, among other smaller things, I liked it. Not sure I like how easy the Cakes took the news though. Pinkie seemed to have more of a motherly atitude for the situation than the Cakes did. And by situation, I mean Pumpkin being called a devil and the doctors' choice of treatment. Also, Pumpkin's change of heart right at the very end like that seemed a bit extreme. All I'm saying is that it stretches plausibility a bit. That's just me though
Looking forward to what you have in store for the future. If you ever want a proofreader, just let me know and I will be happy to try and lend a hand
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; maybe I'll change some of the worddings of the parents to make them seem more passionate
about the situation.
I understand everything you mean by all of that and maybe you're right
But the end part, how Pumpkin was acting, that was a slight part of her conscious sane side showing from Pinkie kind strong words (that side only appeared for a minute); she knew what happen but also knew that she couldn't control her other side around Pinkie; she is the emotional source of her sudden insanity after all.
7 years later sequel coming soon... maybe at the end of the week.
I made changes to the final chapter of my first story to make the Cakes sound more desperate for their child
; and also the last scene so it will definitively show a good reason of how long Pumpkin's sanity recovery will take. Thinks it seems better?
818035
The changes you made were really good. Definitely brought out the emotion a lot better. Good job
I saw that your other story had a pre qual, so this will be interesting.
Pinkamena getting pwned at her own game?!?! awesome. It seems MOAR painful than when RD was killed....
And Mrs. Too Cool For Shorter and Simpler Words?
[img]images[/img]
No, Shorter and Simpler words are mainstream.
I don't know if its the maniac bloodlust in me, or (???), but I wanted Pinkie to get killed. Cuz of a certain fanfic by Sgt. Sprinkles.
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It's okay, fan fics like that can make us feel that way towards characters... especially when it's done a lot.
But hey, I'm good with it.
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Oh... it will...
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I am unshure about how strong Pumpkin's magic was. I have some questions about how a one year old can know how to kill, but whitout that we wuld not have this story. Also I see that grammar wuld need some training in some places, but I need that too. It was somewhat interesting if I don't take in the flaws. And, well saying there title before ther names in the narration is a bit unneeded. We wuld not realy be here if we did not know there elements. It will be fun to read the sequil. Never reas a fiction whit Pound and Pumpkin not as babys before. And that dream, never thougt I wuld read Pinkamina be the one to be cut up.
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I might have exaggerated a bit on Pumpkin's magic fact, but at least I made it make sense; plus it's the fact that her disorder is causing that side of her to come out; despite her being 1yr. old.
I have also seen other stories where Pinkie was caught in a violent situation, it's just this time it's Pumpkin; strange, I know.
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Well, it is a change atleast. And I hope I wuld not been taken into that wing for my mental problems...
Wow nice story, sad that little filly got mad etc but that overpowering Twilight was little uh you know what i mean
837399 is that a picture at the end of the chapter becauce i cant see it
This is good she became like Stewie Griffin
Scary Pound shared the same creepy dream
The last line made me think of this Hilter
He Reminds me of Killer Instinct [Gory Fighting game] [
certainly one of the creepiest stories involving Pinkie I have read, and I have read Cupcakes.
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If you continue, just wait until you read part three... and part four; it gets a bit creepier
Hmm, why does this sound familiar?
ferdicai.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/020825248910.jpg
....Maybe that's why.
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Doesn't look like an anime I'd watch.
Well, I'm convinced. Pumpkin is the MLP version of Broly, just give her time and she will go around yelling "PINKIE!!!" while blowing crap up.
See? I told you, I freaking told you.
3608842 I find that funny seeing as you wrote this, I don't know why.
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Yeah I know; but for me, reading about bloody violence and watching it are two different experiences in my case.