- Member Since 30th May, 2012
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
AngelShy24
I'm a mixed basket. Check me out!
AngelShy24
Joined 30th May, 2012 ·
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Sequels1
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AngelShy24 · 63k words · 647 60 · 13k views
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Dat cover pic
added to read later
There is really nothing else I can say.
i11.tinypic.com/8fod2tg.gif
I have no idea why I'm reading this... except that my filter for mature content was off. Also it's 1:34 AM.
Anyhow... I did downvote, so it's only proper I say why!
First off: Don't put *actions* like that into a story. Just... don't. Nothing is more cringeworthy. Write your actions. This line:
“Nice try, but ya ain’t goin’ anywhere… *Gasp!*, till’ I’m done with you.” This is what I mean. See that *gasp!*. Let's make this sentence better.
“Nice try, but ya ain’t goin’ anywhere…" She gasped suddenly, "till’ I’m done with you.” This is kind of rushed because it is 1:38 in the mornin' but this is in the right vein.
Second: two days ain't enough for them to know for sure with Applebloom. 'sides, friend, it ain't always a one shot and done kind of thing. Heat don't work that way. It's a lot of rutting, not just once and it's all over and such.
Anyhow. If I seem rude blame the hour. Night, world
... Right. Not bad.
Oh, and Dat Ending! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applebloom_lolface.png
...
Why? Why you do this? You ruined it! So much potential... wasted.
I'm not sure rather to vote up or down. Not much adjective use at all, use of asterisked actions...The plot is decent enough, and your depiction of the characters is nearly spot on. I was bothered by a couple of things, like Spike sweating, the fact that their heats weren't very realistic, and also I see it as highly unlikely that dragon semen could impregnate a pony in this sort of universe. Reptiles do not have sweat glands. All in all, this is bellow average, but it isn't terrible. Just work on adjective use and remember to describe actions instead of using asterisks.
1301567
What he said
1301776 Well to be fair, Reptiles aren't lavaproof, can't breathe fire, magic does not exist, and you can't hold onto stuff with hooves. "Realistic" doesn't have too much weight in this setting.
In many mythologies Dragons can breed with just about anything, and in MLPFIM, there's this guy.
media.animevice.com/uploads/0/1951/513503-discord_kna__large.png
The word "draconequus" is composed of the Latin "draco" and "equus", meaning "dragon-horse".
Then we have Spike (dragon) crushing on Rarity (pony), which is of course puppy love but still establishes that Dragons, given a certain kind of upbringing, can find Ponies beautiful/attractive/insertwhateveradjectiveyouthinkisappropriatehere.
Of course, end of the day, that's only a "it's possible to interpret it that way" (which the author clearly has), but the rest of your criticisms are still very, very valid. Still, you could potentially crank out some drama with the whole stigma of being/having a hybrid in this world where the only notable example is a nigh-omnipotent god of chaos (who happens to be evil).
So, while I doubt the author has given the subject as much thought, I wouldn't say it's impossible at all.
The ending nearly killed me. I'm still fighting to force the air back in my lungs after laughing so hard.
Bronydragon
1301542
What potential?
I was just trying to make a simple little sexual comedy; nothing too special.
1301476
Well I wasn't trying to make it too realistic, but I tried to put a few facts in there.
But... thanks for reading it any way.
the ending made me crack up
could you just maybe make a continouing story taking place after this happened plz?
This was really good if you ask me the characters were great and the story is what hooked me, ok and the clop too, I have no complaints, have a moustache!
For some reason, I like this.
Run man RUN!!!
1302045 Yes, but it could've been much better. It could've been featured!
1302113>>1302506
Try reading Zestar Apple Flambe. It skips over the clop, true, but if you want an actual "What happens after" story, that one would be it.
and thats how the dragon born was made
Haha this was funny I managed to not get a shameful chubby awesome fic though.
1302506
it's clop ... of course it'll get featured. oh, wait, there it is.
1302506
>yfw it is
Even though this story is pretty fun, it disturbs me to see clopfics get featured. So why do I like this?
Still, good job on your story
Please for the love of the Dragon empire continue this.
part 2?
Oh, yeah, foalcon! Let's discuss how messed up this is... firstly, how old is young Applebloom? Ten is it? Let's go with ten. I wouldn't be that hateful of this if it wasn't for the fact that Applebloom is so young. If it was revolved around her being older, I'd probably not give a damn, but this is just...
It's just wrong. I dislike foalcon, and so, I dislike this story. How this got featured is beyond me, but wtf ever, and yes, haters are going to hate because this hater has reason to hate! Thank you for your time, have a nice day.
This isnt ment to be a one-shot GOD WANTS YOU TO MAKE MORE!
1302710
1302714
Maybe I ought to write a clop now...
gamersbin.com/attachments/f68/21931d1345989108-what-alternative-gaming-happy-i-see-what-you-did-there.png
1302802
>yfw morality isn't relevant to sexual fantasies
This song definitely applies to this
Ellis: Holy...shit
No mare can resist spike SWAG
Hmmm...I have to agree and say that there are many valid points dealing with it not being real and such,but then again it's fiction and I'm a large fan of Spike being with any member of the CMC (favorite is Spike/Sweetie Belle though) and I enjoyed the clop but what seriously annoyed me is the fact that it felt like a wall of text, seprate when two creatures are speaking with hitting enter once and remember...five lines to a sentence, then you press space...honestly, I'm not sure how this not featured with it having such a serious error and it's really sad to know that such error written stories can be featured...I'll give this a like for the SpikeBloom, and because your picture on your profile is of one of my favorite pairings.
1302901 You have no idea how hard I was laughing when I saw that song posted.
1302884 Yfw? Idk what that means. *Looks it up* your face when?
Well, here's my face when I saw this and read it.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/070/8/9/the_fair_princess_celestia_by_felixattchar-d4sehg1.png
Welp... Mind if I write the sequel? I have... ideas.
1301567 Reptiles don't have tear ducts either, yet we've seen Spike get teary-eyed or actually cry on several occasions in the show. Dragons seem to be a genus unto themselves, or at least not follow several "rules" for reptiles.
I'm sorry, but I will not be reading this, mostly because I do not approve of foalcon and let's face it, both parties are juveniles at best... (I will not be giving this a thumbs down, as I reserve that for stories that I have actually read.)
1302802
Actually I imagined this for her and her friends to be around like 12,13, or 14. I guess I should have pointed that out i the story.
plz plz plz plz make a epilogue i want to know more, that ending made me want to take my brain out plz just a lil intro no more than 700 words if you cant or dont want to write more, plz plz plz
Woah, feautured, congrats!
1302914
it's my favorite Spike parring too... aside from Rarity.
Well thanks,
1302956
if you want to that is.
Well, it was a one shot to me, and I didn't plan for a sequel, soooooo...
Why not, you have my permission
1303023 Still too young for my liking, but then, I'm just a hard one to please, and I can see I'm not the only one. At least I'm one of theones who dislike and voice there opinion freely with little fear of being chewed out for disliking a story like this. No fear makes me a better author, and viewer.
I've never seen so many semi-colons in use outside of an academic paper. Srsly.
The clop was pretty much by the numbers and while there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, none of it really engaged me to take any real interest in what Applebloom and Spike were doing. I only got the slightest sense that you have your own interpretation of the characters and of Equestria if there was a mating season, but you didn't really flesh anyone out as a character. That showed especially in the story's dialogue; your sense of dialogue characterization is poor at best. I mean, everyone spoke so stiffly and out of character (despite the obvious changes that would occur due to the story's circumstances but you went beyond that, even).
Then again people obviously like this despite the number of problems me and a few others have found, so... *le shrug*
1303046 Never a problem and SpikeBloom is my thrid favorite CMC pairing with him...my 100% favorite pairing of all time though is Spilight (or Spike/Twilight Sparkle) and even though I myself really dislike Spike/Rarity, I would never hate the fan themself for it, everyone has their own view of who they enjoy and we are all untied under the MLP banner so we must learn to accept what everyone else enjoys, correct? I really enjoy your story depise it's error. hoping to see more.
1302882
what... what did I do?
What...