Apple Bloom decides to take part in a little fantasy that she has had on her mind for quite a while, she dreams about being somepony that she isn't. A pony that is greatly admired by all those before her. As well as having a deep passion for her most loyal soldier, Commander Hoofwin.
*Special thanks to Tsubaki Rehooved for proofreading and editing*
(One-shot fanfic based from my first fanfic titled, 'The Favor that Changed it All'. Between chapters 2 and 3. I recommend you read it first.)
Chapters (1)
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oh yeah. cool story, bro. I shall read the first part)
I am filled with so much DAAAAAWWWWW. Good story. Thumbs up and faved.
*reads later*
As a story, this was really sweet. The idea is original and in less than 3,000 words you made me genuinely care about an OC. That's no small feat, Sir.
Your grammar was refreshingly correct for the most part. I did spot some minor errors in the spelling and punctuation, but there was nothing outright glaring. The actual writing at times, while good, sometimes sounded a little clunky. As a writer, you want to make sure that your writing has a proper flow that can allow for readers to get sucked into the plot.
"Just as she was about to unlock her door, she glanced at her mirror on the wall and suddenly realized that she was still wearing the frilly dress that she bought from the Carousel Boutique."
This sentence in particular is an example of what I'm talking about. While correct, it has a very rushed and unpolished feel to it. You could easily separate this into two smaller sentences and it would turn out much more smooth and easier for the reader to swallow.
Moving on from that, my only other piece of advice is to not use caps lock. I know that it's 'correct', but it gives the story a very amateurish feel. Granted, we're ALL amateurs, but you want to radiate a certain professionalism from your writing to make it more mature. When writing out a character that's yelling, jut use a dialogue tag instead. You'll get the same point across.
Overall though, very nice job.
good story. keep it up
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I enjoyed it very much, also looking forward to read your new stories
Really good.
D'awwwwww
this was cute
Can't tell if I smell a sequel... But GREAT STORY!!!
great also applebloom is best
(out of the cmc). so keep up the good work