Find me on Fan Fiction.net at http://www.fanfiction.net/u/3854097/Aceon
Six years in the future Spike has finally proposed to Rarity. But, will a war in Equestria separate the happy couple forever?
Cover image by RyuuKiba on deviantart. And a big thanks to CloverSpirits16, RisingComet, and The PURPLE creature as my proof readers!
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So far so good brony. If I could make a few suggestions though:
1) Slow down with the discription of events. It seemed to me everything was happening too fast.
2) Add more detail. The more detail the better at least in my book.
Other than that I love what you have here friend. This deserves a favorite and a good old fashioned MOAR!
You really need to expand. 1000 words may be a minimum, but it doesn't mean that if you have 1000 words, then you'll have a story.
There needs to be more emotions. More build up.
And the rest of the group popping up out of nowhere kills whatever mood there was. If that wasn't enough, the last sentence is ridiculously condensed. You wrote the events of a couple of hours in one sentence. It almost looks like something you'd find in a trollfic.
Seriously. Expand. One of the worst things a writer can do is rush to the part they want to write about. The build up suffers for that.
I like what you did but for something this big....Well I didn't feel happy here. It was like watching one of those really old films that are sped up... It happened to fast and there wasn't enough emotion to it...
I agree with redglare, it does need a bit more details. eloquence is the key but I do like where the story is heading, I would have liked to see some kind of a cliff hanger at the end of a chapter though. I'll be watching. btw I notice you have a few spelling and grammar errors, don't worry I do the same thing when I het excited to write my fics too. just slow down a bit when you write and look over your work before you publish. I give it a TU
D'aaaaaaaaaaaw.
Just wish there wasn't a 'Sad' and 'Tragedy' tag to this. Fav'd. I will thumb it up or down depending on how much I enjoy/abhor it. Good luck!
So far so good.
I understand why this first chapter was short. You did not even know if people would like this.
Cannot wait for the next chapter.
excellent. IT's so awesome /)
(\ just needs more detail, like what everyone else says. MOAR!!!!!!!
Well, it's well written, substantial, and well narrated. You might wanna done down the whole rush, it feels like an action movie and not like a tender romance. all in all, you got me intrigued. I liked and tracked
good job, but i agree with the majority of the comments. Take things slowly, describe any event that has even a pinch of importance to the story with a lot"of detail. Remember, nothing in a story can be "useless" every part of the story needs to be doing something, such as building emotional tension, foreshadowing, comic relief, character building, etc., etc. You want to make the reader sympathize and feel for the main character. Even though you know what the character is supposed to be feeling, the words have to convey that. You might want to get someone to proofread each chapter, and have them tell you what they think is happening to the story and the characters, that way you know you are getting across what you want to get across. Still, really good story, an amazing concept, and good descriptions. It just needs a little more.
I'm not saying your a bad writer, or that you made mistakes, I'm saying there is always room to improve, even among the best writers.
have some mustaches
Add a extra enter after each paragraph it'll do wonders for the wall of text feeling. A little more would have been nice, it felt a little awkward they asked to be left alone just to get up and walk to Sugarcube Corner and see Pinkie anyways. I also would of loved some sort of explanation to how their friends knew I expected a Pinkie sense shout out honestly.
Over all I like the idea, I like the emotion, I love the Sparity, the begging of the chapter came out really great, but the end needs work. Still I think you have the potential for something really great here.
sorry bout the rush.
But I didn't know if anyone would like the idea. I am working on adding detail to chapter 2 though.
Will read later.
When this is finished, it will be in one of my narrating videos.
Please make it as good as you can, my series practically cries for a sad story now and then.
Good work btw,
AuditumMannis
I enjoyed reading this, but I agree with most of the sentiments regarding added detail. Even so, I like the little nod to FlutterMac there. :)
OMG first I love following this fic!!~~~~ Do more and finish this!
AuditumMannis
whens the next chapter coming out I WANT MORE OF THIS
Go Spike go! You show 'em who's da boss!
Nice job Spike, being the rebel that he is to try to sacrifice his own live for the others.
thanks guys! chapter three coming out soon!
I just care for you to much for you die.”
I think you forgot a word but its cool just want you to know also im loving this story ALOT!
And then big mac sees him leave and joins him to become a kick ass spec ops team. They go everwhere chewing bubble gum and kicking ass and when they come back if they do come they have to but when they do spike and big mac take a slap to the face and then find kids spike with some cute little kirins and big make with some fillys and colts.
e621.net/data/sample/01/6e/016e19efbce84428513c951f7c3feb43.jpg?1322075611
Man, is Rarity not going to be happy when she finds out.
Aw, yeah!
KILL THEM ALL, SPIKE! KILL THEM ALL!
And yes, I used the Equestrian Royal Voice for that.
Pony: "How many Archenlanders would you kill to protect those you love?"
Spike: "I would kill them all."
Spartacus reference!
onc this story just gets better and better I NEED MORE!!! but take your time it's ok good things take time
Thanks! yeah but things have to calm down a bit for chapter 4. and chapter five is mostly about romance. Chapter 6 is where it really gets good
. or that's the plan at least
Dis gon b gud
tf2chan.net/projects/src/132051635885.gif
I like it, but may I suggest that you add some paragraphs. On more than one occaision I found myself loosing my spot because of the giant wall of text.
Huh? oh! okay something is going wrong when I paste it. will correct. sorry for the wait but chapter 4 will be a while do to school and work schedule. Thank you all for your patience!
omg, this is awesome, whats the estimate of the next chapter?
two or three days
first off:
Nothing happens, it's just necessary to move the story along.
I HATE THIS CHAPTER
Second:
Lyra and Bon Bon are NOT lesbians, just good friends. I hate homo shippings
Last but not least:
and work
and school
I just had no spare time.
Sorry for being so late but with writers block
But now thanks to a fantastic change in my schedule I will be able to write much more often. In other words chapter 5 shouldn't take nearly as long.
That's the plan at least
I dislike a bit of homo shippings myself. I mean when one person voice two different ponies, then it gets a little weird.
Still, nice update as I cannot wait to see how Spike deals with his last day with Rarity, as I can almost hope and tell it would be a special one.
It's milady not My Lady it's an old English word.
When using dialogue like this:
"Our bad," apologized the mares.
or
"That's useful," Spike said.
you use a comma at the end of the dialogue not a period. This is only true for statements and not questions or exclamations.
Toss in a extra enter between paragraphs to get rid of the wall of text feeling and it'll look a lot cleaner.
Progression, progression, progression it moves the story forward. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cloudchaser_dealwithit.png
Keep it up. I'm curious to see how things progress further.
773177
I know what you mean, I hate having to write chapters like this.
But they're neccesary.
Also, Granny Smith is green. It looked like you called her orange somewhere up there.
Good filler chapter. Keep on keepin on brony.
773384
Well she orange to me. either that or I'm color blind
well i liked the chapter ya it was a little slow but then again ya gotta slow down a bit in some parts I went slow with an entire story no even putting any conflict in until the VERY END it wasn't even that much either but i think it pulled it together bronies love derpy shipps too so i guess that works. I also threw in a romance scene in another of my stories with Rarity and Spike it didn't last long and it was the shortest chapter
but it was a tear jerker so i killed spike (HAD TO HAPPEN NOT MY FAULT) it was part of what made Rarity the way she was 25 years after in my fic so sue me .ANYWAYZ love what yer doin here I keep afollow
778120
thanks
NOTE: I am a brony that DOES NOT clop or do homo shippings. The name Clopton is just a play on my hometown of Clinton and NOT to be taken in a sexual way.
also sorry for being so late. wuz really busy. no idea when next chapter will be up but as I say to my mother many a time I'm working on it
Coincidence. Read this. As soon as I refreshed, the next chapter came out (this one).
"He had chosen Clopton because no one would recognize him there and turn him into Twilight, or worse, Rarity or maybe even Celestia or Luna."
Who has enough power to morph Spike into Twilight?
1053515
you know what I'm talking about
1051883Another another
1286512
ask and you shall receive. new chapter should be coming out VERY soon. and be very soon I mean like next weekend
1287137Ssssswwwweeeeeeeettttttttt
"Somewhere frilly and elaborate with bright colors and feathers, others were simple and plain with dull colors."
Shouldn't that be:
Some were frilly and elaborate with bright colors and feathers, others were simple and plain with dull colors.
1325611
hehe my bad
i like this :3
come on people show it some love