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This is Moon Dust, three years ago a family member disappeared and she went on a journey to find him again. Nopony knows where he is, but that won't stop her from finding him and bring him home again. What happens when Princess Luna shows up?
Shares universe with A New Dawn.
I'm looking for constructive criticism to help me better this and all future stories.
Thanks to:
*Zoetic-Zebra aka Zoe for a beautiful cover-art
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If you are going to use Shakespherean English, try to use it correctly. Don't fall into the lazy habit of switching in the middle of a sentence. The problem I see is in bold.
'thou seem like you've got a lot on thy mind'
should be:
'thou seemest thou hast much upon thy mind'
It comes off a lot better and rolls off the tongue.
Also, if Luna is speaking that way, then she will be speaking of herself in the Royal We, instead of 'I', she would use 'We' when speaking of herself. If she is struggling to adapt to the modern way of speaking, have some indication of her struggles as she tries to adapt to a world a thousand years ahead of her.
Let's back up a bit and look at the letter.
Again, I'll highlight the problem areas in bold. You misuse the word 'thou'. It should be 'thee'. Thou is basically you. Thee is me, which refers to I. Think of it that way. Try saying it out loud to yourself and see if it makes sense to you.
Now, you've got 'thou're' in there. Get rid of it. There is no such conjugation. Instead, use 'thou art'.
Keep writing. It's the only way you'll get better! I wish you the best.
6893400 Thanks! I shall look into it.
I also want to mention that at the time that I wrote that, I was still very new to Elisibethian English, I have simply forgotten about looking back at those chapters.