Drinking It Is a Whole Other Matter, However
Okay, white space. No one likes white space, so let’s imagine a character. Say, Twilight Sparkle. Say hi, Twilight.
“Hi!”
Hi, Twilight. Twilight looks around, eyebrow raised. “There doesn’t appear to be anything here.”
That’s because I haven’t set forth a scene.
“Oh, okay. I’ll let you take your time, then.” Twilight does inconsequential things as I try to come up with the setting...
Ah, yes. Ponyville market.
Twilight looks around and hums. “Ah, I like where this is going.” Several ponies stare at Twilight as she looks around again, confused.
“What? I was just talking to—”
The voice in your head? You’re the only character I can interact with.
Twilight’s cheeks turn crimson as she frowns. “...myself. I was talking to myself.” You could have said something earlier.
But where’s the fun in that? Stories are predicated on conflict!
Twilight glares at no one in particular. I don’t think embarrassing myself is a valid conflict.
In another story it may very well be, but you’re right. In this story you’re going to make a laser.
Twilight’s ears perk up as a smile draws itself across her face, eliciting several wayward glances. Ooooh, I like lasers!
Yes, we all like lasers, but you’re going to be making this one out of cottage cheese.
...what? Twilight’s ears droop. But that’s impossible.
No it isn’t.
Twilight buries her face in her hoof. Ponies stop staring because they have been staring too long and go back to their business. Yes, it is. A laser is a device that emits light through a process of optical amplification based on the stimulated—
Well, I say you can make a laser out of cottage cheese. The story calls for it.
How convenient. Twilight rolls her eyes. Well, I guess I’ll start looking around for a vendor selling cottage cheese. She walks around the marketplace, unaware that she had stolen Lyra’s cottage cheese just this morning. Twilight freezes in her tracks. No, I didn’t.
Yes, you did.
Twilight lets out a long sigh. Okay, I don’t remember stealing Lyra’s cottage cheese.
Well, that’s because you did it before the story started.
Why would I steal Lyra’s cottage cheese? Twilight thinks, a glower distorting her features.
How else am I supposed to invent conflict out of making a cottage cheese laser?
Well, Twilight thinks as she takes a deep breath, you could get into the intense difficulty of actually constructing a laser, especially using something as fundamentally ridiculous as dairy products. You could get into the reasons why I would invent a laser that’s powered by cottage—
Made of cottage cheese. I haven’t decided what it’s powered by yet.
Twilight screws her face shut. Whatever. I don’t have to resort to theft. It goes against everything I stand for.
Well, you better explain that to Lyra, because she’s beelining straight towards you. Twilight’s eyes widen as Lyra approaches with a smile on her face.
“Hey, Twilight,” Lyra says.
Twilight scratches the back of her neck. “H-hey, Lyra.”
Lyra hums. “So, I was cleaning my fridge after you came over, and my cottage cheese appeared to be missing. Do you know anything about that?”
No, Twilight, you don’t. You know nothing of the—wait, Twilight, stop reaching into your saddlebags, you’ll destroy the conflict!
Twilight displays the tub of cottage cheese to Lyra. “Here. I found it in the marketplace.”
Lyra grasps the cottage cheese in her magic and examines it. “Huh. That’s weird.” She smiles at Twilight. “Well, thanks for being such a good friend and finding it for me!”
Twilight titters. “No problem.” Lyra walks away as Twilight now has to live with the fact that she is now a thief and a liar.
No, you forced me to become both of those things.
And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Why, just now you start heading towards Carousel Boutique.
Why am I heading towards Carousel Boutique?
To steal her cottage cheese, of course!
Twilight groans. Well, could you at least make it interesting? You know, describe the feeling of the sun beating on my back, the smell of the produce, the trailing off of the voices in the market—
Well, it’s too late for that, because here you are! Carousel Boutique! Twilight grunts as she enters Carousel Boutique, deprived of sensory detail.
Inside, Rarity is doing Rarity things.
You can’t just say she’s doing ‘Rarity things’! You have to describe how she’s measuring a bolt of fabric to be cut into a new design for her dress!
...but what if she’s tidying up her shop?
She isn’t. She’s cutting fabric. I can clearly see it.
Fine. She’s cutting a bolt of fabric up. She notices you and grins. “Hello, Twilight. What can I help you with?”
I can hear—
—the rhythm of cutting scissors punctuates the air, or something stupid like that. Happy?
Somewhat.
“Twilight?”
Twilight jumps in place. “Oh, heh heh…”
Ask her if she has anything to eat.
“...do you have anything to eat? I was just in the market, but I couldn’t buy anything because I had forgotten my bits at home.”
“Well,” Rarity says, “I did purchase some carrots for this evening’s supper, but I suppose letting a good friend have a few wouldn’t hurt anypony.”
Twilight nods. “Thank you, Rarity.”
Twilight heads into the kitchen and stares at the refrigerator. She bites her lip.
Are you sure I have to steal the cottage cheese?
Yes, I’m absolutely positive.
Why?
Because I’ll end the story right here if you don’t.
Twilight gulps and rifles through the fridge, locating the cottage cheese and placing in her saddlebag. She then remembers that she is ostensibly there to eat carrots and proceeds to begrudgingly do so. She exits the kitchen into Rarity’s workspace.
“Well,” Rarity asks, “did you find the carrots?”
Twilight sighs. “I did, yes. But there’s something else I have to tell you.”
Twilight, what are you doing?
What I shouldn’t have to be doing.
“Rarity, I—”
“—stole your cottage cheese.” Twilight gasps and looks around. “How did I end up back in my castle?”
I transitioned the scene so you wouldn’t spoil the conflict.
Twilight’s eyes slit as she scowls. “And what conflict would that be?”
Your desire to break new ground in science balanced with maintaining your social status, of course.
“You invented that!” Twilight’s wings flare. “I had no issue balancing my scholastic needs with my friendships before you intervened.” She paces around. “And even then, a better author would have found a more natural way to convey the conflict by, say, writing me into a story where a new scientific breakthrough stole all of my time and worried my friends!”
I would think that you becoming a liar and a thief would worry them as well.
Twilight glares in the direction she thinks I’m in. She’s horribly wrong, but I give her points for trying. “You don’t need to resort to character assassination!”
Spike creeps in, apparently disturbed by Twilight yelling at apparently no one. “Twilight, are you alright?”
“Not now, Spike, I’m in the middle of something.” Twilight huffs. “Listen, you, what point is there in using me as a character if you’re just going to contort me to fit the story? A story with a sensible flow of events would somehow work in conflict without resorting to turning into nonsense!” Twilight grimaces, pulls out the cottage cheese, and throws it to Spike. “Here, return this to Rarity. I don’t want to be in this story anymore.”
Spike nods and smiles. “Maybe she’ll need me to help around the store,” he says as he walks away.
Twilight squeezes her eyes shut. “See? That’s a normal character reaction. Why don’t you try—”
Alright, Twilight’s getting boring. Let’s move on over to Pinkie Pie, who is currently tidying up her room.
Hey, Pinkie.
Pinkie looks up. “Yes?”
How would you like to make a laser out of cottage cheese?
After a long moment, during which her brain slowly absorbs the concept of constructing a weapon of mass destruction out of a food of mass flavor, her face lights up like a Hearth's Warming tree. “Would I!”
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Silly Twilight. Cottage cheese makes for a terrible laser cannon. Gouda cheese on the other hand
I can't decide if this is brilliant or insane.
Way to stand up to the narrator, Twilight.
I think the last person that needs to make a cottage cheese laser is Pinkie. I'm truly scared for what the story implies happens next.
Okay, I'll admit, I was immediately reminded of The Stanley Parable as I read this story. Anyway, excellent work as usual. It was a fun, short read that truly fit the definition of random.
And hopefully, Pinkie Pie doesn't cause too much damage.
I was led to this story from my feed.
Though you couldn't make me read it, I did so anyway.
I have now lost my ability to even.
Doing it ironically is still doing it. And using Pinkie Pie at the end is about as lazy as you can get with this kind of story.
You suckered me into reading it, so I guess I can praise that at least. Then again, the same goes for tabloid headlines.
6350886
Can't it be brillsane?
You know i once made a nuclear warhead made completely out of hair bands and butter. That was a fun day. Atlantis looks much prettier when it's flying all over the place in burning chunks of debris.
See, this is why it's essential to have a good casting department. Matching up plot and character is absolutely essential. Otherwise, you get staggering feats of unprofessionalism like Twilight's performance here. I'm sure Pinkie will be far more accomodating.
I imagined this as Twilight was trying to talk to herself...
...then it got awkward when Pinkie Pie showed up.
6350864 Maybe I haven't gone far enough.
6350867 I'll have to keep that in mind.
6350886 Choose whatever you want. Although I'm leaning on insane.
6350892 I know, right? Ponyville is doomed.
6350907 Thank you. And hopefully not.
6350910 I have been known to do that on occasion, yes.
6350921 ...or we could go with that. Thank you.
6350923 That sounds like a fun day indeed.
6350928 I know, right? He should have just gone with Pinkie from the start!
6350931 Things do tend to get awkward whenever she shows up, yes.
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bunbunmaru.com/wakaba/general/src/1345599951.52462217.jpg
Also: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/142844/fluttershys-garden#comment/3812714
6350984
Well, at least we can say that out of the nearly 300,000 stories on this site, you liked one!
God dammit Syeekoh. Not again.
6351090 Yes again.
pre15.deviantart.net/e9f3/th/pre/i/2015/235/4/2/spike_2_by_hillbe-d96v5np.jpg
Oh hey, you're actually conveying a real message here instead of just screwing around (which I was enjoying, btw) . I like that
6351527 Yeah, that's what it turned into. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
6350984 Seriously get a sense of humor. If you are willing to criticize a story that in itself is a joke, you're just about as pathetic a person as you can get.
6351833
And if the joke is unfunny?
I see what you've done, and I liked the message that you've conveyed through this joke story. It isn't really subtle, in fact Twilight blatantly fights the narrator about it, but it is still a good observational critique of poor character choices in fan fiction.
If there was one thing that bothered me though, it was that some of the "spoken" lines by the narrator were also mixed in with actual narration of what was going on. It can be a bit confusing at times, but context quickly clears it up.
Anyways, it was a short read I enjoyed.
(Probably more so than Twilight).
At the beginning, it reminded me of the famous Daffy Duck cartoon. You know the one:
6351849 Then pay it no mind, there are different kinda of jokes, and different people like different kinds. Saying a random-humored joke is unfunny is like saying horror movies are bad. It's not that they're bad it's just not our taste. Now poor execution of a joke, that's another thing. I scold Vine constantly for being popular for random humor when those short videos don't have time to set it up. The difference being that if you're gonna describe a joke as "bad," you have to explain why it's bad, lest it's merely an opinion of taste. For instance, I just shout out "Tom Hank's undershirt" in the middle of a mall for no reason, it doesn't work as a random joke. Why? Because in order for random humor to work, a story or plot needs to be headed in a defined direction in order for it to take that unexpected turn. You might say, "Well this story is nothing but random, making the whole story a joke with no set up." Untrue, because the story takes the time to weave together a seemingly normal day for Twilight then hits us with the cheese laser sucker punch, then keeps the absurdity and awkwardness escalating so the joke stays in effect. If this is not your style of humor, fine, skip over it and read something more to your liking. If not, enlighten us and tell us why a joke or story doesn't work.
6352094
The description pulls us in with a rather absurd and mildly amusing premise of building a laser out of cottage cheese. We assume Twilight may or may not actually pull off said feat, or she might just make a huge mess in her home, or wherever she tries to build the thing.
Once you start reading, you find out that the "joke" is actually "lol, look how writers completely screw up characters purely for the sake of comedy". Fine, one its own, that might be a premise that could work for a story too. So this thread goes on for a while, and eventually it just kinda stops.
Finally, once you get to the end, you get a "lol Pinkie is so randumb" joke. Thus, you have three completely disconnected threads, neither of which go anywhere or end with a decent "punch" to them. That's my problem.
Also: thanks for the "if you don't like it, go read something else" defense. That always shows how open people are to criticism.
6352850
On the contrary, I love criticism. The right critic can point out errors in one's work that can really improve the final product if fixed. But of course, no two critics are the same, and there are often arguments between critics about why a certain element does/doesn't work, it's a matter of perspective. Now I liked this argument, too you've made some strong points, like the predictable Pinkie ass-pull at the end (This isn't sarcasm, btw, it's sincere, you're one of the few people who i can have an argument that actually have a shred of competence). Regarding the "go read something else" bit, if you don't like random stories, don't read random stories. It's, it's right there. At the top of the page, with a big blue border around it. Don't like it, don't read it.
Anyway, we've plagued this comment section long enough, I suggest we drop it here, because this went on too long as it is.
6353475
If you'd take a look at my favorites, you'd find that I do like random stories. I just don't like the bad ones, and I voice my opinion when that happens.
6353677
Oh, so you're saying this is meant to be a parody of random fics? In that case, it's trying to parody what are essentially parodies themselves, and I don't think it's doing a very good job. It isn't "deep" if the fic just does the exact same thing, and at the end it puts on a funny face, points to what it just did, and says "HA HA, I'm actually just making fun of it all!"
There are plenty of better ways to do this that doesn't come across as lazy. And no, parodying laziness by being lazy doesn't count either. You can start off with an utterly ridiculous premise and somehow have the resulting events all make sense, while also still being ridiculous (hence my initial thought that Twilight was going to try and build the thing). You can have Twilight complain about bad storytelling without breaking the fourth wall. You can make the story so bizarre that it's a challenge to read for even the most hardcore "random fans", which lets you poke fun at the idea of bending the rules too far.
All this fic does is narrate a run-of-the-mill "random" story, have Twilight roll her eyes at everything, and put Pinkie at the end.
6354054 You really do come across as a pretentious prick. Not a likable trait mate. When you finally manage to free your head from your ass, I am sure it will be so spectacular that you will be named king of England on the spot.
I pride myself on comments that run into paragraphs... but you've left me without a thing to say with this one. Nicely done!
6354054
Maybe this makes me a filthy casual or something, but I thought it was pretty funny.
6354501 But pra you are a filthy casual. We all are.
Damn, Twilight, if you won't steal other ponies' cottage cheese to make a laser, will you at least tell Princess Celestia that you want to make sweet love in Applejack's barn?
6354489
Thanks for the ad hominems. You are now the fine specimen I can show to the world as "the kind of people who think these fics are funny and clever"
Wait, did I ever say it here?
*peers through the comments*
Oh, nope.
Goddamnit, Syeekoh.
6350950 The prof pic says it all.
I feel like there's some sort of a hidden message meant to other authors somewhere in there.
Meh.
Not as funny as your others IMO, but I enjoy the satire in this one.
Fave time!
I totes imagined the 'narrator' with Adagio's voice because of your icon.
No Ragrets.
You should make a story about Aria Blaze as a convenience store clerk. That would be swell. You don't have too, but the idea is there.
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6354489
[youtube=IVFK8sVdJNg]
(Just in case)
The entire story is ridiculous fun and the ending made me crack up.
7829003 This was a lot of fun to write, yeah.
I should start a petition to have Syeekoh added as a character tag.
8027300 I’m not opposed to that.
This story... cracked me up almost the entire time.
Easily one of the funniest nonsensical stories I've ever read!
Jesus, and I thought I was a kooky bastard.
...Fuck it, I'm following you.
8027303
Do it.
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I would probably be demodded faster than you can see them do a g4 revival