The newest song craze is 'I Could Never Leave You Behind'! You heard about it just recently you're not quite sure what it is, so you head over to DJ Pon3's club to find out.
I could really use some feedback please
Ok, feedback; here goes. brace yourself, I will sound pretty harsh.
Firstly, songs never work as well written down as the author thinks they do. If you have a tune and lyrics in your head, that's awesome, but it won't translate into text. Are you a musician? Maybe try that, because it isn't working here. If the music is the point of this story, then maybe consider making it into a piece. Otherwise...
I'm really not sure what you were going for here. I don't "get" it. A story, of any kind, needs some kind of hook, something that makes the reader want to keep on reading; story to get invested in, jokes to go looking for, simple poetry in the words. I have to say I don't really see these things in this story.
There is no real story structure, even the basic "Beginning, Middle, End" structure is absent. A series of events happen in an order, but there is no sense of progression. A story doesn't have to be about a series of epic events to be interesting, but it does need to include some sort of storyline that makes you want to keep reading. Frankly, that isn't really here at all.
As for your writing style, it's all over the place. There are bits which do work, where I can see you do have a command of language, but they aren't as common as bits which just aren't right. Several times you narrated in a way that was fairly intrusive; "You sort of see her now. The singer, I mean." for example is too personally directed, it takes the reader out of the flow somewhat. And sometimes your word choice is simply odd.
I hope you get that I'm not trying to be cruel here, but I genuinely can't say this was good. This is only if you want to write things for other people to enjoy. If you just want to write for your own amusement more power to you, keep on going as you are, there's nothing wrong with that. But if you do want to reach an audience with your ideas, here's my advice.
1. Think about what people will want to read. It's true you can't write something good unless you want to write it, but you have to think about the reader too. Give them something to care about, a character to empathise with, a situation to be resolved, a setting to explore. Otherwise they will lose interest very quickly.
2. Find out what mood your going for. All art is about eliciting emotion. What mood do you want? Think about how you are going to achieve it through word choice and setting.
3. Recognise bad and good ideas. This is very hard. It can feel like killing your babies, but admitting that an idea simply isn't working, no matter how clear it seems to you, is vital. So too is knowing when an idea really could capture someone's imagination.
4. Keep trying. Nothing is more important than the ability to dust yourself down, take the criticism and then go and try again. I'm going to follow you, just so I can see what you come out with next. Good luck with whatever it may be.
^Thank you for your...detailed description of everything that needed work. I really appreciate that.
I just want to let you know that looking back at this I realize it is the strangest thing I have ever written. For some reason everything I want to write about ponies has this...fantastic element that makes me want to write in this really weird style I've never done before.
I don't get it and I never will. But I'll try and write something better.