I remember the time when I had to worry about high school classes. I remember the time when I worried about my future family, job, and finances. After that fateful day when I passed out as a sixteen year old boy. In high school class and woke in a little fillies room with a dark voice in my head. I've had nothing but worry about whether or not that dark voice would take me over and begin her campaign of terror. I am pinkamena Diane Pie and this is my story.
(AN/ I am a beginner I never did a story before but I could not ignore this opportunity. constructive criticism is welcome. editor wanted and welcome
Chapters (16)
You need a proofreader because there are many grammatical errors in this. For example (This comes from your description):
What is going on in this sentence? The "In high school class" seem to belong in the previous sentence (Even then "After that fateful day when I passed out as a sixteen year old boy in my high school class" would require something to end the sentence on like "everything changed" or something along those lines and a better way to start off the sentence would also be nice).
In the story itself right from the start you don't need the "Story: my life as pinkamena// by ultrasolarflare//." The readers already know who is writing this and the name of the story so this information is unnecessary plus from what I can tell it has nothing to do with any of the elements (Story elements) in the story. And this is just the tip of the iceberg seeing as there are a lot more grammatical problems in the rest of the chapter. I know I am sounding like a Grammar Nazi but you need fix this chapter before you plan on adding a second chapter.
7093549 alright I'll do my best thank you for the criticism.
You need to insert some commas, but other than that I don't really see ant problems
7093549
Not only do you sound like a grammar nazi, but you look like one too! Oh no... It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?
i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/639/Grammar-Nazi-1613.png
Yep. It's gonna be one of those days...
7219910 I' am currently editing this story and I do have to say that it is incredible and I cannot wait for more, I hope everypony is enjoying this story as much as I love editing it! Enjoy the story everypony!
7093621 I cannot wait for the next chapter, I hope it picks up after this one as it ends on a cliff hanger! Can't wait to edit it
7220752 cool thank you I absolutely love this random and have collected many stories I have so many ideas I want to contribute. I know I am not the best at Grammer so any help is appreciated.
7219910 sorry fandom typing on phone is not the easiest
7220773 Well anything you have I am happy to edit, as I'm a huge grammar nazi, just a little laid back unlike the rest
7220752 If you're a Grammar Nazi like me, how could you have written this?
I'll just adjust your comment's wording a bit, then read the story past the first sentence.
I'd absolutely hate to break everything here, but I'm editing this story, and I do have to say that it is incredible and I cannot wait for more. I hope everypony is enjoying this story as much as I love editing it!
By the way, what are you even breaking?
Has your editor done this chapter? If so, get a new editor. If not, get him to edit this. Let's take a look at the first group of lines:
Here is what I'm fairly certain is at least 40% better.
We begin in a great and spacious room, with walls the color of the calm blue sky, and a pristine whit carpet. Two bookshelves lined the walls, containing all kinds of books on psychology. The wall to the right of the book cases was filled with all kinds of diploma's and doctorates for psychology.
A small couch sat near a desk. The desk itself had all kinds of pictures filled with ponies. Though through all of these pictures, one pony stood out. He was a white unicorn pony with a yellow tail and mane, and a cutie mark consisting of a mind with a healing green aura. This was Mind Mender, a psychologist of the highest degree. The oak door to his office opened, revealing the pony himself.
To be honest, the layout you have gives no indication of where the paragraphs begin and end. Now, lets look at the next group of lines along with a line in the third batch.
He walked to his desk and began to arrange the papers there for filing. Over the years, he has had plenty of patients with all kinds of mind afflictions. But unlike most psychologists we humans know that deal with depression, insanity and suicidal thoughts, Equestrian psychologists dealt with said afflictions along with mind control magic, mind blocks, and more magical afflictions of the mind. Mind Mender recalled a time where he had to fix a pony who was under a mind control spell.
A gryphon had put this spell on him to spy on the affairs of the royal court. The pony had screamed and lashed out, putting three solar guard ponies in the hospital. By the time he had finally freed the young pony's mind, the pony in question had broken one of his forelegs and fractured several ribs. It was quite a nasty spell, and luckily they were able to find the gryphon mage, who was now spending time in the Canterlot dungeons.
I could go on and on about how to fix this chapter, but I'm under no obligation to do so at this point in time, and, as such, I am not going to be pointing out how to fix these unless I am tasked with pointing out, fixing, and rewording it, which are the jobs of the editor(s) and/or proofreader(s).
7304385 yes I am going to be going over it as there are some points that get through, this happens with a lot of stories, take a look at TwiDashForever's work, their work had many edits that needed fixing and are still being fixed, the biggest of this example is their Twilight is Magic story series as they have edits even after being published for the amount of time they have. I am also in a different time zone and when I get things to edit I'm still awake and extremely tired but will do a quick run through, and most of he time will go back over it the next day, but for some it goes straight off, so get off my back about this, they will get fixed I have given a huge example of this above
7305577 hey editor I have chapter 4 almost ready sorry for the delay
7306851 That's alright, I will enjoy the chapter as well as editing it so that nothing is wrong with it
I would like to hear how she became Celestia
friend
7365954 oh I will definitely be adding that
But I Have To find a way to fit it in and the method it has to be just right you know. 
Hmmmmm, you need to work on your paragraph structure but other than that the plot's good, and the character's seem flushed out.
7497196 thank you I have tried to employ what i have observed from other people's writing. chapter five is in the works now. I will finish it as soon as possible.
7500546 Well, from what I've seen, you just need to remember to always keep two people talking in two sepperet paragraphs. like. "'I know what I said' said X(New paragraph) 'I'm pretty sure you didn't' rebutted Y"
7500646 oh ok thanks for the advice I appreciate it
Can you do more please
7580590 yah sorry for the wait I have been very busy with work but the next chapter is coming I promise.
You need a proofreader, bad!! Other than that, its a good story!!!
" He was seven foot five and heavily muscled."
That would make him taller than André the Giant and one of the tallest living people in the world. Like top 50-100. Way way too conspicuous to be some random terrorist.
Also you really need a proofreader. Errors everywhere.
7666519 I know I wish I had one.
Good chapter can't wait for pinkamena to see her sister again and to meet pinkie friends
7667228 yah it will be awesome and I can't wait for Pinkamena to try and stall nightmare moon.
Oh so she will be there a summer festival and help here sis and do they know that she has a twin
7667620 well some ponies in ponyville have twins it coincides with the event that spawned all of the twins. Like rainbow dash has a twin named blue blitz and applejack has her own twin named appleseed. However in terms of them knowing she's the mare juggernaut not so much
I completely missed the anthro tag. Ha! Nice story so far.
Nice story. definitely a good read although I would like to see her interactions with others a little more fleshed out. Great fight scenes.
7684149 thank you I plan to follow the show but with a few tweaks and I'll try to work on the interactions.
Where is the next chapter
7762864 chapter 6 is currently in the works I am over half way done with it you'll get to see Pinkamena meet the mane 6. Also some of them have twins of their own
Soon pinkamena vs nightmare moon will fight who will win I can't wait for it great chapter keep it up and I can't wait for more
7793564 thank you this chapter was one to meet three of the mane six and their twin counter parts. the fight should come in the next chapter which will start today. and publishing will be in the near future.
I will use this as an example of how to structure paragraphs.
“Oh my gosh Pinkamena you're finally here I got the pinkie sense combo twitchy hoof, numb nose and knocking knees. Meaning a family member is coming to visit!” said Pinkie
"Hi...Pinkie...can’t…..breathe.” I struggled saying to say.
Pinkie let go and said “oops sorry sis it’s just been so long since I’ve seen you last.” I coughed a bit as air rentered my lungs
“I know it’s certainly been a long time Pinkie.” I said, giving Pinkie a light hug
“oh here let me take one of your bags.” said Pinkie taking my small bag, with that held all of my picture frames inside with the tip of her mane.
I deadpanned “still perfecting your physics defiance aren’t you” I said
“well yeah it’s fun.” said Pinkie
So a few things here that I'll just clarify, deadpan is not just a facial expression, it's also a tone of voice so you didn't need the "I said" after that line. When writing a paragraph with speaking characters in it you need to start a new one every time a new character speaks. Other wise it'll be very hard for someone to read.
7794530 thank you for the constructive criticism I will be sure to apply that in the future.
7794835 No problem, just wanted to help cause I really do enjoy your story and I'd hate to see people turn it down just because of the lack of structure.
7794871 yeah I hope to turn it into a thing for people to build off of like the displaced or five score.
Noooo I need more
7807189 don't worry chapter 7 is on its way the fight will be glorious.
good job
7906616 thank you I worked really hard to apply the suggestions that I get to improve the story. now onto planning for chapter 8
That was awesome good work can't wait for the next chapter
fear celestias cake vengence.. it is LEGENDARY
7906918 indeed never mess with celestia's cake
AHHHHH!!!! I read it all, Now I wait for the next chapter! Please, please let this be soon... *cute pony pouty face!*
7928168 don't worry brainstorming is happening now I think I will base the next chapter on ticket master and follow from there
7928851 yay