Distorted Vision

by Jigsaw

Chapter ? - Hospitality

Two weeks later...

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Alibi awoke to the smell of rubbing alcohol. He looked around the pristine white room, I'm in the hospital. So, was that just a dream, or- His question was answered when he noticed two guards at the door to his room. They seemed upset, meaning his outburst in the cell wasn't a dream either. It also, obviously, meant they were the same guards.

Alibi stretched, extending sections of his black shell before calling out to the guards. The taller guard said something to the other, who entered the room, "Well, you didn't leave me to die, so thanks for that. When's the trial?"

The guard smiled back at Alibi, "Last Tuesday, you'll be happy to hear that your outburst proved useful in my testimony." The changeling relaxed in his bed, rubbing his head, "No-one really knows that much about changelings, so we kind-of had to just bandage you up and hope for the best."

Alibi chuckled, still rubbing his forehead, "How long have I been out?"

"Almost two weeks," The guard bit his lip, "And they've been very eventful."

Alibi's eyes widened slightly.

The guard pulled up a chair, "Right, so, when you nearly killed yourself in there, people in town started splitting. Some ponies believed you were afraid of us and we should help you, but others thought we should've let you die. This started a bit of a feud between the citizens, and you were the eye of the storm. Eventually, one of the groups that didn't like you tried to break into your room, which is why we requested to be here."

"It didn't take long for the princesses to catch word of this, and within a week, Celestia arrived. She gave a speech that went somewhere along the lines of, 'I'm ashamed in you for thinking Alibi is any less of a pony than you are', and Second Chance, the other guard outside, basically told the guards not to hold Berry Punch back any more."

Alibi interjected, "Wait, what happened with Berry?"

The guard laughed, "Oh, I love this story. Alright, when the anti-you groups first started forming, four ponies stupidly decided to discuss how much they hated you right outside town hall. This was before we started guarding your room, by the way, and I was on guard near there at the time. Anyway, I'm not allowed to start fights with civilians unless they're resisting arrest, so I just had to stand still and pray to Celestia someone else came along. Berry Punch happened to overhear the conversation, and started a one-on-four fistfight with the other ponies."

"I guess they call her Berry Punch for a reason." She stallion laughed at his own joke before realizing Alibi was rolling his eyes, "Not funny? Okay."

"Anyway, I was just standing there watching her beat these other ponies to a pulp, and eventually three or four guards came to try and restrain her, and she ended up hospitalizing all four of the ponies plus one guard she managed to elbow in the face. I was almost discharged for not intervening, and I told the captain what I told you. He laughed at the 'Berry Punch' joke, though."

Alibi sat silently during the guard's gleeful recap of the last couple weeks, "Uh, I don't think I ever got your name."

The guard laughed, "I guess I forgot about introductions. Right, My name is Choke Hold. My partner outside is named Second Chance, and we're sorry about arresting you, even if it did turn out alright." Choke held out a foreleg, which Alibi quickly bro-hoofed., "Oh, and I got these fixed for you, I know it's not much, but I figured with all that happened, I should still try to be nice."

He removed Alibi's newly-repaired pair of sunglasses from his mane, and set them down on the side table before rejoining his partner outside the room.

Author's Note:

Anachronistic stories: I really can't see why people don't write more of them, especially short stories. This would have been a lot less confusing in the right order, but I saw the contest and thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still new to stories altogether (feedback appreciated), and anachronism is such a fun thing to screw with.

Also, I understand the story wasn't all that sad, but's still the best tag that fits. It had a good ending, so not tragedy. There was no grand Adventure, no sex, no gore, no romance, and no crossover. There was a bit of humor in it, but not enough to warrant a comedy. It might have fit into the Slice of Life category, but not well. Sad was really the only thing that even sort-of made sense.

Comments

[PegaSeraph]

Sequel?
have a like anyway

[Westbrook87]

WEIRD story, at least in formatting.

Other than that, it felt both rather typical and rather abrupt. And "typical" is not something you want to hear describing a story.

The anachronism doesn't even add much to the story - put the chapters in order, and its rather bland. If it were used to subvert our expectations or manipulate the tone of the story, it would be different, but it doesn't.

The story was okay...but that's it.It wasn't great.

It felt not exactly disconnected, but more like the sum of the parts didn't add up to the whole. I feel an epilogue of some sort would do some good, as right now, nothing ties this story together. On top of that, some backstory should be there - there's a lot of information dumped, like the fact that Crysalis is a warmongering tyrant, or the death penalty, etc etc, that needs a reason to be there, an explanation of some sort.

Characterization was...flat, but that could be just out of how freaking short this story was.

tl;dr: Too short.

[FordPrefect]

The story was decent.... but it just ended without really ending.

[cogwheelbrain]

You screwed up in that you gave us a very simple story with a beginning and end - good for you - but you gave us just enough to make the characters interresting so that I want to know what happens next.

So, where's the sequel?

[HapHazred]

Review I promised is here! Congrats on winning first place. I hope we'll see you for our next contest too.