- Member Since 14th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2018
Night Music
Here I am, back at it again, doing absolutely nothing.
Night Music
Joined 14th Aug, 2013 ·
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You monster! What did you do?
Hmm... interesting...
Nicely done dude, nicely done.
Nice to see this story is being continued.
So, they just accept that they have real stuff, or was it real all along?
Well this is certainly new and better than previous version.
6686582 I think the more pressing points would be magic and land of colourful talking ponies
I reeeeeeeally don't want to nit pick, but I liked the original two chapters better than this one.
6686635 Gonna get to that...
6686623 That's what it's meant to be. So, glad I did that right at least.
6686582 Sorry, the only thing that was questionably real was Dominics, his suit was patchworked together by the group. No real life variant besides bomb-resistant armor exists. And even then, I don't think that was meant for bullets.
6686516 Glad to continue it.
6686465
*nods head slowly with a small smile on face*
6686449 EVERYTHING!
MUAHAHAHAHAHA
Much better paced
6686672
They still seem a bit too rational for people who got thrown into another world. Eh, nitpicking. It isn't too much of a problem.
what was with the voice that Dom called "Boss"?
I liked the original one (even though technically they were displaced, ew), this one is ok
Note to self... never get into a pickup truck like the payday 2 hoxton breakout trailer... otherwise this might happen...
I'd say you did a pretty good job with your rewrite
Good job! Let's see some more!
So, I take it your rewriting the story?... let's find out and then judge you harshly for it.
After reading: Yep, rewrite. I thought it was fine before but, maybe we'll get a little more action in this version? When Cadence shows up again and gets denied "What is rightfully hers" I wonder what Celestia and Luna will do about it?
6688271 Is it not fine now? I'm confused. Definitely more action, that's the main reason I decided to rewrite it. 2 fast. 2 Furious
6687917 Thank you
Soon...
6687355 Thank you but... if you don't mind me asking... wth is your prof pic? And why does it creep me out a bit?
6686937 Sorry about that.
And I didn't really intend for them to be displaced in the first place... I don't know what constitutes a displaced fic and what doesn't.
6686888 Next chapter. Not much of a big thing if you've read any other fic. Hint I like to play on my xbox from time to time. And so do my friends.
6686878 Building up to that you. Don't like the five minute freak-out then okay. It's gotta be big! It's gotta have that Razzle-Dazzle.
6686714 *shudders while finally scratching that hard to reach itch* I-I mean... what?
6686673 Just had to go fast! Rollin' around at the speed of sound *begins to foam at mouth*
6688709 Well even though they were displaced you paced it good (for me anyways) you explained who and what they were and then it picked up after the first chapter began.
Even though you rewrote it, it's pretty good, but I got lost on a couple of things (probably just me waking up and reading it) but who is there and what class are they.
Sorry about being confused about the characters
EDIT: I'm not shitting on the story at all
Need more. This has gotten me hyped up.
6689677 This weekend. Maybe a day or two after. Second is coming.
6688978 It's all cool. Ain't no harm done, happy for the comment,
6689892
6689892 Yesssss....
6688709 Simple my friend.
Since winter is at our doorsteps i needed to evolve so i could acclimate myself to the new hostile environment winter provide us.
I evolved into something better than anybody could ever imagine.
Something that gives wet dreams so INTENSE that it created nymphomaniacs
Something that created a new religion from sheer awesomeness
Something so MANLY that i got men and women pregnant just by looking at me ONCE
i evolved in...
...Hairy Rainbowish Thingy
I am simply fabulous
Basically i grew a beard
And the creeping you're feeling is actually the baby that is now growing inside you.
i love my beard
i'll need an hat soon
Shit
I say continue my friend!
Not that good nor bad...
...not sure it's worth the looooong wait...
Looking better than before. Much more time was taken this time.
6686449 im not a monster :( im just a void god
6686665 i dont exactly agree but also are you part human part slendy?
6707112
That's fine if you don't agree with me, that was just my two cents, and last time I checked I'm full human.
6707129 .. must of been a few years because you.. kinda have a bleeding eye and you look like 2 face from batman
6707228
My tears are mixed with my blood so my tears are always red, and ever heard of a mask?
6708278 ... umm i dont know how it stays on your head so.. thats why i thought it was your face
6709763
We all are forced to wear a mask, but as time goes on, said mask loses it's defining features and starts to break away, showing the true face that lies beneath the mask.
6710869 ahh... so why cant you take it off? also jebus what cult would do that?
6711401
The mask is the identity that we we're once given, and as time goes on, we start to show our true selfs that lie underneath our mask. And that cult is not a cult, but what does this to us, is a little something called the social norm.
6711472 ahh also i will look up on the intervoids (internet)
look at the time! Was it two weeks already?
6723638 Had an accident on my end which ended up deleting all my shit. I'll get it... eventually.
6733223 ...
...I don't get it.
yeah... blacking out is such a cliché nowadays. I am curious
...just saw the Skulldozer and went into overdrive.
Did he eat a Manticore?
Ok?
First and foremost congrats on making a popular fic. Here's a few nitpicks I have for you from the first quarter of chapter one.
- You use snapshot intros for your characters, a method where you spoon feed your readers a miniature biography for important people as they appear. I can not say that this is bad writing, it is a style choice, some people will like it, some will not. Personally, I feel “meh” about it. While it avoids leaving readers in the dark about the personalities of our characters for too long, it robs us of the opportunity to dig the information out of bits of conversation and interaction. It also makes introductions rather boring if they state the same information the narrative gave us to every new party they encounter.
You also wall yourself in a bit with the method, now that we know Thomas has more than a small anger issue we expect to see him actually get angry, absence of said anger will have some screaming OOC while others will wonder if you forgot to read your own story. Any information that you give out should be consistent with the thoughts and actions of your characters, changing only when it is clear that some force (like time spent with Fluttershy making Thomas less emotionaly unstable) has altered them. Sudden, reasonless changes that defy preexisting information are as confusing as they are infuriating, do not trip over yourself.
-
This comma should not be here, eliminate it?.
-
I suggest that you get rid of “While” here, it makes the sentence feel a bit confusing.
Both of these
Flow a bit smoother while conforming to your writing style.
I want to ask you to drop “Let's just say” from here badly because it's informal, and typically reserved for first-person stories. However, it is not incorrect mechanically, it just feels weird. More glaring is your shift between past and present tense when you use "come" rather then "came".
You seem to have lost a verb here, I suggest dispatching a search and rescue team immediately.
Pretty sure that you meant respective here
Thomas extended his arms out and twirls in place. “And jokes are how I do it.”
The word in red shifts the tense from past to present, replace it with “twirled” to make it conform.
For the sake of briefness, I will not inform you of every suggested edit I have for this, if you feel like you need a complete editing pass, send me a PM, or kidnap a dedicated editor. Let's move on to plot related stuff.
- I actually can't complain about the plot much (other then over using the “character wakes up to a new world and promptly passes out” cliche), it was simple enough to follow, but not in too much of a boring way. The transition between the first four humans and the new one in chapter two did, however, leave me wanting after an awesome beat-down of King Sombrero, please don't skip over it if you don't need to. It's jarring when you start and end too many plot points without resolving them. (not that you are anywhere near that point.)
All in all this was an entertaining read, I'll keep an eye on it.
Stay awesome.
Nice work, one of the better HiE stories I've read on this site.
I wonder how Rainbow identifies 'attacking'.
6785963
We thinking 'bout the same story here?
6785243 Love comments like this. I'll get on it.
6785052 Yes?