When the Crystal Empire reappeared, Celestia sent Cadance, Shining Armor, and the Elements of Harmony to reclaim it from Sombra, but what she doesn't realize is that... There are new kings in town.
First and foremost congrats on making a popular fic. Here's a few nitpicks I have for you from the first quarter of chapter one.
- You use snapshot intros for your characters, a method where you spoon feed your readers a miniature biography for important people as they appear. I can not say that this is bad writing, it is a style choice, some people will like it, some will not. Personally, I feel “meh” about it. While it avoids leaving readers in the dark about the personalities of our characters for too long, it robs us of the opportunity to dig the information out of bits of conversation and interaction. It also makes introductions rather boring if they state the same information the narrative gave us to every new party they encounter.
You also wall yourself in a bit with the method, now that we know Thomas has more than a small anger issue we expect to see him actually get angry, absence of said anger will have some screaming OOC while others will wonder if you forgot to read your own story. Any information that you give out should be consistent with the thoughts and actions of your characters, changing only when it is clear that some force (like time spent with Fluttershy making Thomas less emotionaly unstable) has altered them. Sudden, reasonless changes that defy preexisting information are as confusing as they are infuriating, do not trip over yourself.
-
Johnny Isidor knew that he wanted to be able to say that the people that followed him, were happy
This comma should not be here, eliminate it?.
-
While most things he could handle, but when it came to his friends? His family?
I suggest that you get rid of “While” here, it makes the sentence feel a bit confusing.
Both of these
Most things he could handle, but when it came to his friends? His family?
He could handle most things, but whit it came to his friends? His family?
Flow a bit smoother while conforming to your writing style.
Let’s just say that when it comes to the legal department, Johnny’s family wasn’t to be trifled with. There were one or two cases of this in the past, but he grew out of that.
I want to ask you to drop “Let's just say” from here badly because it's informal, and typically reserved for first-person stories. However, it is not incorrect mechanically, it just feels weird. More glaring is your shift between past and present tense when you use "come" rather then "came".
Both Johnny and Dominic their way out of the dorm room
You seem to have lost a verb here, I suggest dispatching a search and rescue team immediately.
They walked towards it and they all moved to their respectful places.
Pretty sure that you meant respective here
Thomas extended his arms out and twirls in place. “And jokes are how I do it.”
The word in red shifts the tense from past to present, replace it with “twirled” to make it conform.
For the sake of briefness, I will not inform you of every suggested edit I have for this, if you feel like you need a complete editing pass, send me a PM, or kidnap a dedicated editor. Let's move on to plot related stuff.
- I actually can't complain about the plot much (other then over using the “character wakes up to a new world and promptly passes out” cliche), it was simple enough to follow, but not in too much of a boring way. The transition between the first four humans and the new one in chapter two did, however, leave me wanting after an awesome beat-down of King Sombrero, please don't skip over it if you don't need to. It's jarring when you start and end too many plot points without resolving them. (not that you are anywhere near that point.)
All in all this was an entertaining read, I'll keep an eye on it.
6786145 attacking in her sense is most likely, " i dont really like you based solely on looks/ what i heard therefore i have the right to kill it" this observation was based on fanfiction from this site
6786798 They are college students. and they didn't really turn into anything. Well, Charles is something, but I can't rightly say what yet. It's self explanatory... maybe.
6786632 I'm just gonna take that and listen to it a bit more... thank ya for that.
...I don't get it.
yeah... blacking out is such a cliché nowadays. I am curious
...just saw the Skulldozer and went into overdrive.
Did he eat a Manticore?
Ok?
First and foremost congrats on making a popular fic. Here's a few nitpicks I have for you from the first quarter of chapter one.
- You use snapshot intros for your characters, a method where you spoon feed your readers a miniature biography for important people as they appear. I can not say that this is bad writing, it is a style choice, some people will like it, some will not. Personally, I feel “meh” about it. While it avoids leaving readers in the dark about the personalities of our characters for too long, it robs us of the opportunity to dig the information out of bits of conversation and interaction. It also makes introductions rather boring if they state the same information the narrative gave us to every new party they encounter.
You also wall yourself in a bit with the method, now that we know Thomas has more than a small anger issue we expect to see him actually get angry, absence of said anger will have some screaming OOC while others will wonder if you forgot to read your own story. Any information that you give out should be consistent with the thoughts and actions of your characters, changing only when it is clear that some force (like time spent with Fluttershy making Thomas less emotionaly unstable) has altered them. Sudden, reasonless changes that defy preexisting information are as confusing as they are infuriating, do not trip over yourself.
-
This comma should not be here, eliminate it?.
-
I suggest that you get rid of “While” here, it makes the sentence feel a bit confusing.
Both of these
Flow a bit smoother while conforming to your writing style.
I want to ask you to drop “Let's just say” from here badly because it's informal, and typically reserved for first-person stories. However, it is not incorrect mechanically, it just feels weird. More glaring is your shift between past and present tense when you use "come" rather then "came".
You seem to have lost a verb here, I suggest dispatching a search and rescue team immediately.
Pretty sure that you meant respective here
Thomas extended his arms out and twirls in place. “And jokes are how I do it.”
The word in red shifts the tense from past to present, replace it with “twirled” to make it conform.
For the sake of briefness, I will not inform you of every suggested edit I have for this, if you feel like you need a complete editing pass, send me a PM, or kidnap a dedicated editor. Let's move on to plot related stuff.
- I actually can't complain about the plot much (other then over using the “character wakes up to a new world and promptly passes out” cliche), it was simple enough to follow, but not in too much of a boring way. The transition between the first four humans and the new one in chapter two did, however, leave me wanting after an awesome beat-down of King Sombrero, please don't skip over it if you don't need to. It's jarring when you start and end too many plot points without resolving them. (not that you are anywhere near that point.)
All in all this was an entertaining read, I'll keep an eye on it.
Stay awesome.
Nice work, one of the better HiE stories I've read on this site.
I wonder how Rainbow identifies 'attacking'.
6785963 We thinking 'bout the same story here?
6785243 Love comments like this. I'll get on it.
6785052 Yes?
So I may be the only one confused, but who are they and what exactly did they turn into?
6786145 attacking in her sense is most likely, " i dont really like you based solely on looks/ what i heard therefore i have the right to kill it"
this observation was based on fanfiction from this site
6786333 Surely, I've seen some pretty bad stories and it's great to see someone succeed, keep up the good work.
6784844 Neither do I and I love it
6787673 Oh! Uhm... thanks.
6786798 They are college students. and they didn't really turn into anything. Well, Charles is something, but I can't rightly say what yet. It's self explanatory... maybe.
6786632 I'm just gonna take that and listen to it a bit more... thank ya for that.
So like can we see a story that is like the story discription?
I kinda liked the old chapter 2 better. Much better.
6794581 There is no chapter two yet, still have to release it.
6795690 I remember this fic from before you started rewriting it.
6800996 Okay? But there's no chapter two right now to compare it to... Am I misunderstanding you?
So sorry if I am.
Glad to know you liked it though.
6795690 I can wait for next chapter, also love this version a lot more than the old one
6805887 Thanks, but you don't have to wait that much longer chapter two is not that far off anymore.
6806019 hells ya
6801475 Excellent. Will you be following the same story line as that one?
6825224 That one? Number 1? Yeah why wouldn't I? I'm just adding a character, not in the exact place as them though. That's it.
intriguing~
Nicely done.