one day a flash of blinding light sends a very unprofessional Mad genius and one Timid and loyal assistant to equestria. comedy and dramatic moments follow as these two don't know what to do with no current way home.
TEEN FOR LANGUAGE
S/N - if anyone notices from time to time the tags and character importance WILL CHANGE because of a sudden and/or drastic change to the story which was most likely needed. expect them to change from time to time but not commonly.
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You asked for criticism, so here it is. Please don't take any offense.
I am no expert either, but this is what I have noticed.
-Okay so, my first complaint is formatting. Don't indent the middle of your sentences.
-There are a number of ways to divide up sections on page. A centered *** is what I use. There are others. Just make sure you are consistent. I would recommend not using color, unless there is some important point to it. (I can't think of one)
-Many of the lines were sort of awkward. For example, As the light dimmed, one of the figures started to speak, while both still started to take shape.
They were already taking shape, so it would make more sense to say... As the light dimmed, one of the figures began to speak, while they were still taking shape.
-There is a lot of comma abuse here. I'm not too savvy in this area either, but it is very apparent here.
-I was okay with Assistant being a character's name, but then the Doctor called him Sean. So you may want to refer to him as "an/a/the/his" assistant, depending on the situation, as opposed to Assistant. You could have Davy refer to him as Assistant and not by his name, while Sean is his real name.
-Next is dialogue. It's a bit repetitive, to have Sean said then Davy said... after each line. You could give a brief description of a character, use a title, such as the doctor or the lowly assistant etc. For example:
"See you next week," said Pinkie.
"See you next week," said the party pony.
"See you next week," the pink mare replied with excitement.
No tags are not necessary if it is obvious who is talking, like in a two person conversation.
On a personal note, I was wondering why the Doctor seems so abrupt and generally unprofessional? "I SAID QUIT YER BITCHIN'!" Davey looked annoyed now more than anything else. I don't see a professor saying something like this, but if it is part of the character or you can justify it then it's fine.
These are not all the problems, but I don't want to make this anymore painfully long than it already is.
Here is a link to Omnibus. It's a writing guide for MLP fiction. I don't even follow all this advice, so if you do, you will be making progress.
Omnibus
I would also highly recommend a few pre-readers.
All this aside, don't give up! It was interesting enough for me to read.
643982 thanks for your opinions on how i can fix my mistakes. and yes Davey seems unprofessional because he is, to put it lightly, insane. this will be explained a few chapters later on. i will go back and fix these mistakes and the mad doctor of ours will get more character development later on. hope i can get more criticizers like you as it helps me ALOT.
What about me.Do ever get light in story as me the mad genius Who is Social but is Mad As than Mad itself
So how do you guys like this new chapter? i personally am satisfied how this chapter turned out and i would enjoy getting viewer opinions on this as well if you would like.
anti-climatic ending
1081031
yes but purposfully anti climactic for the future sequel i have planned.