Note: Hiatus because i'm working on other thinks
Chris was a normal, nerdy college student that had gone to a convention in London with his friends and, because it seemed like a fun idea, they had all gone as characters from the popular web series, Bravest Warriors. After meeting a merchant (big surprise), he was transported to Equestria and now seeks to get home.
Only problem is that he's a paralyzed pony now.
super....
This story is told from a journal style perspective that 'Chris' recites to himself before he goes to sleep.
Note: The cover image is only temporary until I create a more suitable image.
The tags might also change as well as the story progresses. Crossover because of future Bravest Warriors elements being present and random because I'm not completely sure about what might happen later in the story
Also, I do have a story and end goal in mind but if you have an idea or a specific scenario that you would like to see, place it in the comments and something might happen.
If you want to do a character from a show crossover, even one as good as Bravest Warriors, never try and add anything about someone being dressed as that character and being transported there and becoming that character.
Just state that the character is now in Equestria because reasons, no changes made to his form at all. He was laying in bed and his straw floor turned into a portal to Equestria. Or say he was trying to break free from that other dimension and crossed into Equestria by mistake.
If you want to write a Quest (a comment/reader driven story) find an appropriate forum, such as spacebattles.com, sufficientvelocity.com and questionablequesting.com as they are forums with pretty good fiction/fanfiction sections and QQ even has a dedicated Questing section.
As for this story, you may as well delete it, because I doubt you'll get anything more than this comment, comments for lazy and poor writing, and instant downvotes from anyone who reads your description here, as this is a site for stories, not Quests.
>FiMFiction; place for MLP related fanfiction
>haha I'm gonna run a quest
Please stop
6203033 why? What's wrong?
6203246 thanks
I don't suppose you know why people are hating on this story do you?
So far all I can tell is that people don't like quest stories for some reason.
While I can't argue that point, this is probably one of the more asinine crackfics I've read.
Which is to say it's shit, and you should feel bad for writing it.
6203536 any specific reason why you're saying it's asinine and shit? I would like to know to help me write better.
6203615
First, it's a LoHAV. Oh, sorry, a "Displaced" fic. Fuck that noise. It's not an original idea. It's not a good idea. It is, in fact, a boring, overdone, and pointless idea, and it should never actually be attempted. But you attempt it. Hell, you follow it true to form. There is nothing in this story that has not been done in any one of the other five hundred LoHAVs that are currently cycling through the feature box. You follow the exact, utterly stupid, entirely pointless pattern every single other fic like this has ever done. There is nothing new. There is nothing of value.
Oh, wait, it's "comment-driven". See, on Fimfic, most people are smart enough to realize that means you have no idea what the fuck you're writing and need others to do it for you. Hence, it's a standard-pattern formulaic LoHAV that manages to have even less originality than most, because you're not even writing the story. If you really want a Gary Stu Pony Quest that bad, go to /mlp/ and start a thread, but don't put this shit here.
Hell, the only thing you've managed is using some show I've never heard of for your stupid "displacement" deus ex machina, just like all the other LoHAVs. And to be honest, a crippled protagonist sounds like a shameless attempt at upvote garnering. If you really wanted to do that, you should have just done one of those "Vinyl Scratch is Deaf" fics that everybody is shitting themselves over. I guarantee you'd have much better luck with retards spamming the upvote button for you.
There is no originality whatsoever here. It's poorly written by the standards of the "genre" (and by that I mean "template"), everything is wooden beyond belief (as is standard), your grammar is mediocre at best, you didn't even try with the cover art, you didn't even try with the title, you didn't even try with the description, and, hell, you didn't even try with the rest of the fic. Shocker, right there.
The better question is "Any specific reason it's salvageable? I would like to know to help me decide whether or not to delete it."
The story isn't awful, to be honest. It is in desperate need of an editor, though. It seems (to me at least) that you have an idea for a story, but you're having trouble putting it to paper, as it were. There's a lot of writing conventions that seem to be ignored, too much explaining and not enough showing, but the story itself is interesting. Certainly not deserving of all the downvotes.
6203694 Thanks for the comment
6203683 What I gathered from your comments is that you don't like displacement stories because it's an un-original idea, and you don't like comment driven stories because it's a sign that I have no idea what I'm doing.
A few things to get out the way before I take your critics to heart. First; 'Chris' is paralyzed because it related to the character that me got turned into, not because I wanted more views or something. Second; I don't see how he's a Gary Stu since he's a paralyzed horse and it's only been 1 chapter so far. And third; of course this story doesn't have anything that separates it from the other 5 billion displacement story because its only got 1 chapter, there hasn't been time for the story to develop yet. Also, the item he used to get to Equestria can't be a deus ex machina since all it's done is act as the portal to Equestria, it hasn't broken the story or been used as a quick fix to a problem.
Now, I do agree that the dialog is a bit wooden since it's being through a mental journal and from my own writing and I should of thought before hand about what a comment driven story actually meant, which is probably something that I'm going to change about the story. The cover image isn't permanent since I am trying to create a custom one but will take some time, I just wanted my story to have a cover image in the mean time.
The description was also something that needs some work on as a few people have pointed out and now I look at in hindsight, I can see why people are quick to give it a down vote.
Thanks for the reply
It's not awfully written, actually. Despite what others say, I don't think that you're a bad author. You've got some questionable word usage at times, and you used 'vile' instead of 'vial' (the latter being a container for liquids, the former being an adjective meaning disgusting), but it's not terrible.
That said, I'm not exactly in love with the concept, and while the writing is competent I can't say it's actually good. As thisistheusernameIchose said, you tend to tell rather than show. It's an overlong chapter (by which I mean you spend too much space on this specific subject rather than the chapter is actually long) whose only purpose is exposition, and while sometimes stories do get better later, the first chapter is the chapter where you try to draw people in. This won't help things.
I recommend just having characters end up in Equestria in-medias res, or sparing the process only one paragraph. The process is usually not important compared to the upcoming shenanigans, and can safely be forgotten. If not, you could easily intersperse the 'how' and 'what' during the fic proper, where it may be relevant.
No downvote, but I won't like or keep track of this either.
6203798 Thanks for the advice and for pointing out the spelling mistake.
Not sure if people will read it, but I'ma go add this to the Bravest Warriors group.
This isn't that bad, but like others have already said its not quite good either.
My biggest gripe is that Chris even post transformation doesn't 'talk' like somebody that's even half-grasped the entire glory of the cosmos. He's still talking like a 19 year old kid.
That, and two big things. Again as other's have said a lot of this is being told not shown.
And really? Zecora, and she just happens to know a potion for curing ponies overcome with the infinite wonders of the cosmos? That's really a big problem for Equestrians?
Not only does that seem rather contrived, but it also undoes one of the original character's biggest weaknesses and traits in chapter one. Turning him from a interesting being with clear trade-offs for his powers, and just another HiE insert with unexplained powers turned into a pony.
6204006 The reason for him talking normally is because the way I see it, 'Horse' had lived with that vast amount of knowledge and had time to truly understand it. 'Chris' however had only been exposed to it for about 2 days so it hasn't really sunk in yet.
also I never said that the vial was going to cure him
In regards to Zecora, I couldn't think of anypony else that would be in the Everfree Forest and would also have a way to defend themselves from the creatures that lived there, the CMC sure couldn't do it.
I considered Twilight but I didn't want to give anyone the idea that I would be shipping the two.
6204115
Eh, fair enough. That bit makes sense.
...And this could never happen with Zecora, why? Heck, she's probably the most exotic character in all of FIM. People just hate writing in rhyme, or she'd be way, way more popular than she already is.
And I'm not certain why you felt you needed to start this story in The Everfree. It's the starting point for HiE stories as-is, and hardly the only hazardous area in FiM. Why not the Fire Swamp? Or Muggy Bog?
6204201 Zecora is a really cool character and I wish we saw more of her but people are a lot less likely to shout 'self-insert story' if the OC character doesn't meet the mane 6 first. That's my experience anyway.
The Everfree wasn't picked because it was dangerous, it was picked because it's portrayed in the show as magically unbalanced, leaving it a much more likely place for portals to appear in.
You used the wrong word in several places.
laid - past tense of lay. "I laid down to sleep last night."
lied - past tense of lie. As in "I lied about eating the cake".
Small typo
Zecora