Kken
Joined 16th Jun, 2015 ·
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Is this anthro? I'm very confused on the bodies here.
I'm sorry, I really do like the idea, but I'd recommend getting a proof-reader before posting a story. There are quite a few grammar errors. Plus, are the ponies anthropomorphic or feral? You've written them so that they seem to be on all fours yet have breasts on their chest. It confuses my greatly since if they were feral, they'd have teats toward their crotch rather than chest and if they were anthropomorphic they'd be on two legs instead of four. Just makes it really hard for me to enjoy a story when I can't even picture the characters correctly because I'm getting such mixed signals on what they actually are.
6180084
Yah sorry about that I mean for them to be more anthro but not walk on 2 legs to make them seem more pony like. And sorry about my grammar I don't have anyone to check and my grammar is one of the worst in the world
Odd that she has the same name as Twilight's brother.
How's she gonna keep this secret? Or is he just not going to care?
6180101
To make it clear, perhaps you could label it under the tags as anthro, it'll prevent a great deal of confusion.
Hey there!
This looks really interesting, but it's kinda difficult to read because of the formatting. Here's two stylisitc tips to make things much more easier on your readers:
1) Begin a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
It's really effective, trust me, and it takes very little work.
2) Avoid Walls of Text.
Similar to the issue above, when you put too much information in one paragraph, readers are prone to glance over them or give up. Breaking up your text into smaller pieces will make them much more managable. The last paragraph of this chapter is a particular offender in that regard. You could start a new one when you have a very important fact to convey, for example that Fluttershy is no longer affected by the drugs.
Hope this helps! I honestly like this story.
Needs a little more spacing.