My name is Nox. I am an immortal necromancer, once slave of King Sombra, now free. I was once human, a species unheard of here in the land of Equestria. I am the only one here that I know of, brought here after buying a costume from a Merchant. This
A description of your character would be nice. As is I can't tell if they're humanoid or equine, male or female, and then there's the 'skeletal' descriptor... Your story description implies human-like but I can't really picture it.
You would think if he lived with the crystal ponies for a while before being forced to put them in stasis that it would give him a chance to talk to and reconcile with them while they were all stuck together.
6127467 Thx for catching that, its been fixed. 6127522 A description of Nox will be included in the next chapter, in hind sight I should have included it in this but if I put off publishing this any longer I probably would have talked myself out of it.
its always good to see a good necromancer story is everyone because everyone normally makes them evil or falls into the evil niche because I always viewed magic like light and dark magic as a type of power that The user decided if it was good or evil and so far the story seems pretty nice please continue up the great writing
I like where this is going so far. As far as first fics go, you could definitely do worse!
Also, congratulations, from one writer to another! The first chapter is usually the hardest, since few people muster up the effort to actually write it, or the courage to post! I hope you're having a lot of fun with this!
On the topic of constructive criticism, I'd be more than happy to help. One of the biggest issues I'm seeing here so far is the concept of Show, don't Tell. It's important to let your readers do some of the work when you tell a story. Reading is a medium in which all of the magic happens in the imagination of the reader. So if you do the work for them, as in telling them exactly who everyone is and how they should feel, the magic falls flat. It's better to let your readers infer the facts of your story rather than to just say them out loud. Does that make sense?
Now, there are many ways to do this. One of your biggest tools for this is the liberal use of Context Clues. For example:
I, for one, feel a tragic opportunity was missed with the introduction to Umbra. The way that Umbra reacted upon seeing the protagonist did more to describe the character than any of the inner monologue did. Imagine how much more of a punch that reaction would have had if you never outright stated that she was your character's adoptive daughter? If the reader had no idea until that very moment why the protagonist was searching for her. In situations like this, readers infer their own reasons for the search.
Some readers would have thought maybe she was a friend, or an old servant. Perhaps even an enemy? One of Sombra's Lieutenants? Then, to get there, and find not only a filly, but one calling the protagonist momma? That would have been one hell of a moment!
And sure, your character knows who Umbra is. How couldn't she? But we don't. It's important to be careful how you reveal such information in the future. And if you're looking for in-character justification? The protagonist already knows everything about Umbra. So mentally reviewing all her knowledge on the subject of her daughter in such a neat format seems unlikely.
More likely, she'd be panicking, letting her emotions run wild, as most parents would. If she's made of sterner stuff, she could be barely holding in her frayed nerves with the sheer power of logical thinking. Who knows? I don't. I've only read this one chapter so far.
So knowing that, let's take a look at this paragraph.
==========
Walking around the castle I see crystal and non crystal ponies alike talking and celebrating. “The Crystal Heart has been returned, Sombra is dead and gone!” they gossip about. I am elated by the news, Sombra is dead, I am free, the ponies are free, the dead are free, and Umbra is free. UMBRA! I run past the guards and celebrating ponies and rush around the castle looking for her. Umbra the last of the Royal line. The only crystal unicorn left, and my adoptive daughter. I had cared for her, raised her since Sombra destroyed her parents and siblings. He only left her because he had a plan. He was going to make her sire an heir, his heir. The sick bastard wanted to insure his claim on the throne was uncontested. I hate Sombra with a burning passion, even though he is now dead if the gossip is to be believed.
==========
This paragraph contains a LOT of information. To me, it seems almost TOO compressed. The information contained in here could easily fit 12+ paragraphs without being too verbose and dry. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not about padding your word count. It's about giving your reader just enough information to get sucked in to the world and let them experience things. At the same time, you're leading your readers through the world at your own pace, setting the stage for the reveal that happens at the end of the chapter.
A quick fix and:
I stride out of the Library, bundling myself against the cold. Sure, I could just as easily insulate myself with a spell, but considering how long it's been, I have no way of knowing who is watching and why. It isn't wise to attract attention to yourself, especially when you have a funeral to plan.
I look back at the building that was my prison for the past millennium. Strangely, I almost feel as though I'll miss its dusty shelves. The tomb like atmosphere was far from comfortable, but it was a luxury when compared to the poor souls caught outside when the sky fell away. A brief tingle crawls up my spine like a spider, thoughts of how those unfortunate people must have felt as they endured a thousand years of bitter chill and blank, lifeless skies. Suddenly, the Library doesn't look so stifling. I mutter a brief word of thanks to the building and turn my back, double-checking to be sure that the Visage still adorns my face. I have to get moving. After all, I have a date with a certain spoiled, heartless tyrant...
As I walk, I look upon the bright sky. The sun shines cheerfully, the colour of a ripe peach through the steady, pink shield. A thin smile stretches across my face. It's good that today, of all days, is clear. It will make my upcoming work much ea-- 'Wait, What?!'
I freeze! My jaw drops like was strapped to an anvil.
'The sky. It... it's blue. Not a cloud in it!' I rub my eyes vigorously, as a feeling long lost to me blooms within. 'The sun... It can't be!'
I shuffle off the outermost layer of my robes and hold out my arm. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes as I actually felt warmth tickle my skin. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would see the Sun again. Even before the Celestial Sisters of the Southern Kingdom attacked, Sombra's power would choke the sky covered from horizon to horizon by clouds, so thick that not the barest hints on sunlight would touch the city below. To look at the castle and not see it wreathed with lightning and darkness...
'But... how? For the first time since I felt magic return to the city, I stop. I actually listen, and to my surprise, the sounds of celebration can be heard.
All around me, ponies cheer and drink in the streets. The Empire's citizen's shine brightly, their coats once again glistening like gems. Foreign ponies (likely from the Equestian Nation to the south) joined in their revelries.
Something had happened. That was the only explanation. The False Tyrant's distrust for foreigners was legendary,
Nearby, a rather portly stallion rolls a barrel from the inside of a shop.
"Drink! Drink up! Now's not the time to be shy! It is a time of joy! Toast and cheer, for today, Kind Sombra lies dead!"
The world begins to spin around me. I grab a nearby lamp post to steady my wobbly knees.
Dead? The thought had never occurred to me. I'd long ago resigned myself to the fact that if I want anything to change, I had to do it myself. To find that someone else had already beaten me to the punch?
Finally, I understand what that feeling inside is. Hope. Strangely bittersweet hope.
Fantasies of vengeance crumble away inside. 'It's done...' No longer will I have to hide myself. I am free.
A burst of laughter shook me from my daze. The stallion and his new friends had taken to the party with gusto. I shake my head and the foolish thoughts drizzle away. Simply because the Demon was gone does not mean that the ponies around me will accept me with open arms. Nor would they forgive me for the things I had to do to stay hidden. Everything Sombra did stained my name with his cruelty. The conscriptions, the crystal mines, the War with the Sisters, Umbra's famil--
"UMBRA!!" I clap my hands to my mouth. Those that turn to me quickly shudder and look away.
A bolt of white-hot panic slams into my chest. In my newfound freedom, I'd completely forgotten about her. About Umbra. I run forward, leaving the revelers to their drinks.
'I can't believe I forgot about her!' A thousand years of sameness is no excuse for such stupidity! My fists clench as as image of the Last Royal, the so called 'Bride of the Slaver', sprints through my mind. Of what she was. Of what Sombra could have made her in my absence. Fury roils in my gut like an inferno, accompanied by the blackest thoughts of what I'd wreak upon the Tyrant King when I had the chance.
I have no time to waste! I reach out with my mind, throwing caution to the wind. 'I'll find you, Umbra. I swear it!'
I move through the city like a wraith. A razor thin grin splits my face, far more cruel than any Sombra could muster.
When I found Umbra, then I can pay a visit to whatever pit they threw the Tyrant's corpse into.
.... Because, unfortunately for Sombra, not even Death could save him from me.
==========
Not quite 12 paragraphs, but...
See? Same amount of information (actually, less info than what you gave), more story to go on. As long as you don't fall prey to Purple Prose, you can do this with pretty much any reveal you want.
Try to get into this habit, of saying more with less. Let the readers infer the emotions from how your character acts, and how others react to the character. It'll make writing more fun for you (trust me) and sink your readers deeper into your world.
One other nitpicky note: Be careful not to mix tenses. Some sentences are in the past tense, and others in the present. It's something that you need to talk to your editor about.
Again, I'm not telling you this to imply that your writing is horrible. Far from it! For a first try you're doing quite well! This is just a suggestion from me to you. I hope it helps!
On the last sentence, you forgot a period, but grammar aside, I'll be tracking, and liking.
A description of your character would be nice. As is I can't tell if they're humanoid or equine, male or female, and then there's the 'skeletal' descriptor... Your story description implies human-like but I can't really picture it.
You would think if he lived with the crystal ponies for a while before being forced to put them in stasis that it would give him a chance to talk to and reconcile with them while they were all stuck together.
6127467
Thx for catching that, its been fixed.
6127522
A description of Nox will be included in the next chapter, in hind sight I should have included it in this but if I put off publishing this any longer I probably would have talked myself out of it.
Well I have been looking for a story with a necromancer being sent here. You have my attention and I like it.
Goddamnit not another one of these fucking things
its always good to see a good necromancer story is everyone because everyone normally makes them evil or falls into the evil niche because I always viewed magic like light and dark magic as a type of power that The user decided if it was good or evil
and so far the story seems pretty nice please continue up the great writing
You have a few spelling errors, but hey it doesn't ruin the fact that it's a great story so far! You have my support!
I like where this is going so far. As far as first fics go, you could definitely do worse!
Also, congratulations, from one writer to another! The first chapter is usually the hardest, since few people muster up the effort to actually write it, or the courage to post! I hope you're having a lot of fun with this!
On the topic of constructive criticism, I'd be more than happy to help. One of the biggest issues I'm seeing here so far is the concept of Show, don't Tell. It's important to let your readers do some of the work when you tell a story. Reading is a medium in which all of the magic happens in the imagination of the reader. So if you do the work for them, as in telling them exactly who everyone is and how they should feel, the magic falls flat. It's better to let your readers infer the facts of your story rather than to just say them out loud. Does that make sense?
Now, there are many ways to do this. One of your biggest tools for this is the liberal use of Context Clues. For example:
I, for one, feel a tragic opportunity was missed with the introduction to Umbra. The way that Umbra reacted upon seeing the protagonist did more to describe the character than any of the inner monologue did. Imagine how much more of a punch that reaction would have had if you never outright stated that she was your character's adoptive daughter? If the reader had no idea until that very moment why the protagonist was searching for her. In situations like this, readers infer their own reasons for the search.
Some readers would have thought maybe she was a friend, or an old servant. Perhaps even an enemy? One of Sombra's Lieutenants? Then, to get there, and find not only a filly, but one calling the protagonist momma? That would have been one hell of a moment!
And sure, your character knows who Umbra is. How couldn't she? But we don't. It's important to be careful how you reveal such information in the future. And if you're looking for in-character justification? The protagonist already knows everything about Umbra. So mentally reviewing all her knowledge on the subject of her daughter in such a neat format seems unlikely.
More likely, she'd be panicking, letting her emotions run wild, as most parents would. If she's made of sterner stuff, she could be barely holding in her frayed nerves with the sheer power of logical thinking. Who knows? I don't. I've only read this one chapter so far.
So knowing that, let's take a look at this paragraph.
==========
Walking around the castle I see crystal and non crystal ponies alike talking and celebrating. “The Crystal Heart has been returned, Sombra is dead and gone!” they gossip about. I am elated by the news, Sombra is dead, I am free, the ponies are free, the dead are free, and Umbra is free. UMBRA! I run past the guards and celebrating ponies and rush around the castle looking for her. Umbra the last of the Royal line. The only crystal unicorn left, and my adoptive daughter. I had cared for her, raised her since Sombra destroyed her parents and siblings. He only left her because he had a plan. He was going to make her sire an heir, his heir. The sick bastard wanted to insure his claim on the throne was uncontested. I hate Sombra with a burning passion, even though he is now dead if the gossip is to be believed.
==========
This paragraph contains a LOT of information. To me, it seems almost TOO compressed. The information contained in here could easily fit 12+ paragraphs without being too verbose and dry. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not about padding your word count. It's about giving your reader just enough information to get sucked in to the world and let them experience things. At the same time, you're leading your readers through the world at your own pace, setting the stage for the reveal that happens at the end of the chapter.
A quick fix and:
I stride out of the Library, bundling myself against the cold. Sure, I could just as easily insulate myself with a spell, but considering how long it's been, I have no way of knowing who is watching and why. It isn't wise to attract attention to yourself, especially when you have a funeral to plan.
I look back at the building that was my prison for the past millennium. Strangely, I almost feel as though I'll miss its dusty shelves. The tomb like atmosphere was far from comfortable, but it was a luxury when compared to the poor souls caught outside when the sky fell away. A brief tingle crawls up my spine like a spider, thoughts of how those unfortunate people must have felt as they endured a thousand years of bitter chill and blank, lifeless skies. Suddenly, the Library doesn't look so stifling. I mutter a brief word of thanks to the building and turn my back, double-checking to be sure that the Visage still adorns my face. I have to get moving. After all, I have a date with a certain spoiled, heartless tyrant...
As I walk, I look upon the bright sky. The sun shines cheerfully, the colour of a ripe peach through the steady, pink shield. A thin smile stretches across my face. It's good that today, of all days, is clear. It will make my upcoming work much ea-- 'Wait, What?!'
I freeze! My jaw drops like was strapped to an anvil.
'The sky. It... it's blue. Not a cloud in it!' I rub my eyes vigorously, as a feeling long lost to me blooms within. 'The sun... It can't be!'
I shuffle off the outermost layer of my robes and hold out my arm. Tears well up in the corners of my eyes as I actually felt warmth tickle my skin. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would see the Sun again. Even before the Celestial Sisters of the Southern Kingdom attacked, Sombra's power would choke the sky covered from horizon to horizon by clouds, so thick that not the barest hints on sunlight would touch the city below. To look at the castle and not see it wreathed with lightning and darkness...
'But... how? For the first time since I felt magic return to the city, I stop. I actually listen, and to my surprise, the sounds of celebration can be heard.
All around me, ponies cheer and drink in the streets. The Empire's citizen's shine brightly, their coats once again glistening like gems. Foreign ponies (likely from the Equestian Nation to the south) joined in their revelries.
Something had happened. That was the only explanation. The False Tyrant's distrust for foreigners was legendary,
Nearby, a rather portly stallion rolls a barrel from the inside of a shop.
"Drink! Drink up! Now's not the time to be shy! It is a time of joy! Toast and cheer, for today, Kind Sombra lies dead!"
The world begins to spin around me. I grab a nearby lamp post to steady my wobbly knees.
Dead? The thought had never occurred to me. I'd long ago resigned myself to the fact that if I want anything to change, I had to do it myself. To find that someone else had already beaten me to the punch?
Finally, I understand what that feeling inside is. Hope. Strangely bittersweet hope.
Fantasies of vengeance crumble away inside. 'It's done...' No longer will I have to hide myself. I am free.
A burst of laughter shook me from my daze. The stallion and his new friends had taken to the party with gusto. I shake my head and the foolish thoughts drizzle away. Simply because the Demon was gone does not mean that the ponies around me will accept me with open arms. Nor would they forgive me for the things I had to do to stay hidden. Everything Sombra did stained my name with his cruelty. The conscriptions, the crystal mines, the War with the Sisters, Umbra's famil--
"UMBRA!!" I clap my hands to my mouth. Those that turn to me quickly shudder and look away.
A bolt of white-hot panic slams into my chest. In my newfound freedom, I'd completely forgotten about her. About Umbra. I run forward, leaving the revelers to their drinks.
'I can't believe I forgot about her!' A thousand years of sameness is no excuse for such stupidity! My fists clench as as image of the Last Royal, the so called 'Bride of the Slaver', sprints through my mind. Of what she was. Of what Sombra could have made her in my absence. Fury roils in my gut like an inferno, accompanied by the blackest thoughts of what I'd wreak upon the Tyrant King when I had the chance.
I have no time to waste! I reach out with my mind, throwing caution to the wind. 'I'll find you, Umbra. I swear it!'
I move through the city like a wraith. A razor thin grin splits my face, far more cruel than any Sombra could muster.
When I found Umbra, then I can pay a visit to whatever pit they threw the Tyrant's corpse into.
.... Because, unfortunately for Sombra, not even Death could save him from me.
==========
Not quite 12 paragraphs, but...
See? Same amount of information (actually, less info than what you gave), more story to go on. As long as you don't fall prey to Purple Prose, you can do this with pretty much any reveal you want.
Try to get into this habit, of saying more with less. Let the readers infer the emotions from how your character acts, and how others react to the character. It'll make writing more fun for you (trust me) and sink your readers deeper into your world.
One other nitpicky note: Be careful not to mix tenses. Some sentences are in the past tense, and others in the present. It's something that you need to talk to your editor about.
Again, I'm not telling you this to imply that your writing is horrible. Far from it! For a first try you're doing quite well! This is just a suggestion from me to you. I hope it helps!