- Member Since 1st Feb, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 7th, 2020
CoastBrumby
I am an aspiring author and bookstore owner living in NSW Australia.
CoastBrumby
Joined 1st Feb, 2015 ·
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Interesting social backstories, but the dialogue seemed a bit sterile.
I liked it
Also you used 'Sweetiebelle' in the description instead of 'Sweetie Belle' and 'Applebloom' instead of 'Apple Bloom'
But I did like it, you get a favorite and a like
The characterization is decent, and the plot idea is OK. Your dialogue and prose, on the other hand, need a lot of work. Most of the story is pretty dry and stiff, and reads more like a shopping list than actual people saying and doing things. "This happened. She said this. She said that. That happened." It's not very interesting.
I strongly recommend finding an editor and/or pre-reader. Clicking here would be a good way to start.
I think that you meant Gilda here.
This story is a really good example of how people opposing the use of slurs cause unwarranted violence and discord, then predictably blame it on the words themselves, instead of owning up to their own mistakes. A very subtle message there, because the clear moral is that words hurt, but what happened to deliver that moral had a different moral entirely.
6121244
Good story, bad writing. It feels unnatural.
Who actually says "we are going to have to fight" before they fight? *facehoof* Great plot idea, but the writing is stale
6121527 Thank you. I wasn't really thinking of a moral when I wrote it. I just wanted to think up a few slurs for the Ponies to use. I agree. Slurs are hurtful. They are about depersonalising, and that is never right.
6122327 Yes, I meant Gilda.
6123315 Heh, I think that you got our respective comments mixed up, bud. I was the one who made the comment about Gilda's name being misspelled, not ferret.
No biggie, though.
Good poy.
Um... You need to work on dialogue. Other than that it was fine.
6151390 Uh...thanks.
Poyim, heh.
Hey, um... I'm working on my own fanfic annnnnnnd I'm wondering if I could use the slurs you came up with for my story? Please? I promise I'll credit you in the story I'm working on! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!
6302425 Excellent! You won't be disappointed!