Ever just been walking home from school one moment and the next your running from guards in an over sized castle, well George sure has. George is average sixteen, not to strong not to weak, not to smart and not to dumb, he's perfectly average so lets see what happens when you don't throw in some sort of God into Equestria.(Looking for cover art)
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huh, I should read this
812909 First comment....I love you.
Uh
Sorry bro but you're in desperate need of an editor. I'm not even a grammar nazi but this was too jarring even for me. Best of luck to you.
Recommendation, slow the pace down just a notch, it seems to be going a bit too fast, and like Sonson21 said, get an editor (a friends maybe) to edit it so you don't have grammar mistakes like with the spelling of sergeant.