Twilight has proven to be a bad dancer at the Canterlot Garden Party, however one of Rarity's old friends from Canterlot wants to know why she is a bad dancer.
I am a brony from Massachusetts with Autism who enjoys MLP, Disney and writing!
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It has a very minimal amount of grammatical errors, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.
6079399 Are you saying you wish it had more errors?
6079505 I think they were saying they were glad it didn't have more errors.
6079505
I am a good English.
6079560 I am a good Amish.
This comma is unneeded.
A "her" here would make this sentence less repetitive.
If Twilight was cut off, an Em Dash — would be better at the end of her dialogue than an ellipsis—which represents a trailing off of a thought—and a question mark.
"Her". Unless the phonograph was next to the paper or the Garden Party.
1.) "The". Unless there was more than one banner headline.
2.) I am not quite sure what you are going for here, but it is one of two things. If this is Twilight reading the headline, the comma should be a period. However, If you are just presenting the headline in quotation marks the comma should be a colon.
Actually, they were enjoying themselves immensely until Rarity faltered slightly at admitting they were her friends. They had no fs to give and seemed completely oblivious about the snobbishness of the upperclass ponies because Rarity liked them, which made them nice ponies in the eyes of Twilight and the others.
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Try to avoid this as much as possible.
1.) There is so much redundancy in this exchange. Four sentences and four instances of the word "meet".
2.) How does Spike know this? What I mean is, the wording is wrong. If Spike knew somepony wanted to see Twilight, why would he use the word "probably"? If he used the word "probably" why would he come to that conclusion from the headline and the picture alone?
3.) Well, that is kind of rude. Twilight is Princess Celestia's protege, the Element of Magic, and up to that point, saved the world twice. Once from eternal darkness, and once from a demonic god of chaos. Ponies should feel honored to meet Twilight Sparkle.
4.) The period should be a comma and "who" should be lowercase.
This "and" is unneeded.
This is awkwardly phrased.
This "you" is superfluous.
If Spike really interrupted, that period should be an em dash (—).
Once again, ellipsis should be an em dash (—).
That would explain Rarity's British accent and her parents' Bostonian accents.
This entire sentence is unneeded. That whole "show, do not tell" thing. Rarity's question at the end would have been enough.
I read this story expecting it to be about Twilight's awkward dancing. However, it seems like it may be a TwiTavia shipfic in the making. Which I do not mind. I welcome it. There are not enough TwiTavia shipfics on this site.
I would like to see where this goes, so I will favorite and like.
~KBO.
Bet you that Octavia wants a hug from Spike.
Better get your gut check.
This is a little repetitive. "Arrival" may be better here.
More repetitiveness here. It may read better to replace this with "various".
This sounds like Octavia does not like tea. This should be "Octavia doesn't like".
This should be "however".
I am happy to see you are taking my advice to heart. However, the way to create an em dash (—) is to hold down the Alt key and, using the keypad to the right of the keyboard, type 0151, or conversely, copy and paste the one provided.
More repetitiveness. The emboldened should be changed to "it".
This should be "she said".
1.) Octi plays the cello.
2.) More repetition. This whole selection would read better if it was replaced with "She".
There seems to be an "all" missing between these.
Have I got the perfect white Unicorn with a blue mane for you.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/190/4/2/vinyl_scratch_vector_by_the_intimidator-d56jvg9.png
"Cellists". Tavi plays the cello.
"Cellists".
Apparently she wants to be all about that bass cannon bass, no cello.
So... Octavia sought out Twilight's help in becoming dorky. Twilight Sparkle: Prized pupil of Princess Celestia, Element of Magic, savior of the world twice over, most powerful and magically gifted unicorn since Clover the Clever and Star Swirl the Bearded. Master of Dork-fu. I look forward to the development of Dorktavia into a Dork-fu acolyte. This is turning into something more than I thought it would. Though I am still hoping for some Twitavia.
I look forward to the next chapter.
~KBO.
Prove what?
1.) There is a "to" missing between these.
2.) There is an "only" missing between these.
Not really. You are just flailing your arms about wildly in a full-bodied dry heave set to music.
Missing comma.
1AB.) You may want to separate internal monologue from external dialogue. Instead of quotation marks, these lines should be italicized.
2.) This is repetitive. Maybe replace it with "continued her dance"?
1.) This should be "dance".
2.) The s is unneeded.
With what came before the emboldened section and what comes after it, this is unnecessary.
This is the wrong "it's."
The Canterlot snobs will react to it before they get used to it. They will react poorly, but they will react. A word seems to be missing here. "Fine"? "Wonderfully"? "Appropriately"? No, that one sounds like they would lynch her.
This colon should be a comma.
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/266/7/4/vinyl_scratch_dj__s_with_the_fire_by_likonan-d5fm82d.png
I think I may know who is coming next. It is Fluttershy, right?
Twilight spreading her adorkableness to other ponies is always a win. Even if it is through a zombie-like transference. But on purpose? That is even more adorkable.
I look forward to your next chapter.
~KBO.
I smell steamy tension.
This is one word.
This is unneeded.
I know from experience that casual acquaintances coming to your house and surprising you by telling you a stranger will be living with you indefinitely when you are used to living alone is not a happy experience.
This should be "isn't" or "is not".
This is unneeded.
"Am".
This should be "it's."
This story seems to be turning into something else entirely. It started out as Octavia being interested in Twilight's white and nerdy dance.
Now it has turned into "When Vinyl Met Octy".
softwareag.com/blog/reality_check/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/When-Harry-Met-Sally.jpg
I will have what she is having.
~KBO.
1.) Maybe remove this one so that this sentence is not so repetitive.
2.) "Possessions".
You only need one of these and the comma is unnecessary.
1.) This would sound better as "they also contained many".
2.) "They were".
This is one word.
I think you may have meant "skosh".
Once again you should separate external dialogue (characters speaking) from internal monologue (characters thinking). The emboldened sentences should be italicized and without the quotation marks.
The emboldened words are unneeded.
1.) I guess you could say that they were making beautiful music together.
2.) "started".
Curiouser and curiouser. The deeper this rabbit hole goes, the more twist and turns I find.
~KBO.
When did Vinyl become Tree Hugger and Octavia become Fluttershy?
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This needs a comma after it.
"Slightly".
I think this ellipsis should be an em dash(—).
This comma is unneeded.
Yes, I simply cannot wait.
Layer upon layer upon layer. This story gets deeper and more intricate and better the further you go. It is like a chocolate parfait inside of a rubik's cube inside of a puzzle box.
...I am not very good at analogies...
~KBO.
The hyphen should be and em dash (—), and the period is unneeded because the em dash takes its place.
1.) Poor Rarity and Twilight. I hope they are not hurt too badly.
2.) How do you know the other passengers have tickets? The conductor did not know that Twilight and Rarity had tickets. Who is to say there is not some kind of drama on the train?
1.) Why would he address the masters of the house like this? He has no idea who these two random mares are and no idea why they have come to the house. He should say "the masters of the house", or, to make him even more stuffy, keep the family name, and make it more alliterative, "Monsieur and Madame Melody".
2.) The hyphen should be and em dash (—), and the period is unneeded because the em dash takes its place.
The hyphen should be and em dash (—), and the period is unneeded because the em dash takes its place.
This would read better as, "This gave Twilight Velvet a glimmer of hope". Also the comma is unneeded.
"Velvet", Sparkle is the other one.
"Light".
"Hoof". Also, Twilight Sparkle did not have a normal foalhood. Her brother was a royal guard. Her foalsitter was a princess, and that was all before she got her cutie mark. After she got her cutie mark, she was not only accepted into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Princess Celestia made Twilight her own personal protege so she could teach Twilight herself. Ponies who know Twilight Sparkle's parents know this.
They should move to Ponyville, it gets attacked by a different monster every other Tuesday.
"You hurt me now, but I won't cry. I am Oc-ta-vi-a."
"Makes".
That is exactly what Rarity just suggested. Unless Twilight is thinking of bringing her own parents.
Finding out that Octavia's parents wished their daughter was more awkward is just proof of how dull life has gotten for the ponies. They need random acts of zaniness to pull them out of their doldrums. Begging for the escape of Discord to turn their houses upside down and turn all their furniture into whoopee cushions.
When will this boring life we all lead become exciting and amusing? Maybe we should invite a bunch of poor ponies to our estate and tell them that they are going to have a big meal, but then we hunt them.
~KBO.
This is unneeded because Octavia just said it.
This part is unneeded.
There seems to be a "not" missing between these.
This hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the period is unneeded.
Missing "only".
1.) "Has" should be replaced with "is".
2.) "Hooves".
3AB.) These are completely unneeded and repetitive, they should be deleted.
4.) There should be a comma between "are" and "Octavia" and the comma after "Octavia" should be deleted and replaced with the exclamation at the end of the paragraph.
"As do we".
"Hooves".
1.) This should either be "sat down" or "was seated".
2.) This is unneeded.
Little did Twilight know she would be repeating this speech later that month.
This is unneeded.
This entire selection is unneeded and can be summed up, and should be replaced with the word "assent".
1.) The emboldened part is unneeded.
2.) Octavia sought out Twilight. The whole thing was Octavia's idea.
There should be a "you" between these words.
1.) This should be "anypony".
2.) The period should be a comma and "then" should be lowercase.
3.) This comma should be a period.
This should be "you to".
Now all that is left is for Octavia to confront her parents and dance awkwardly for them. Then dance awkwardly at her concert.
~KBO.
6083488 I'm sure that Octavia can play more than one instrument.
6129269 Fair dues, but by that logic, Applejack has a pear orchard.
6129269 When I initially noted that Octavia played the violin, I was thinking of the Octavia lookalike in "Apple Family Reunion."
Imagine what would happen if Flash Sentry show up.
6131378 Well the Apple Clan grows corn at Sweet Apple Acres too. No one says that they can't diversify.
Oh Fiddle Sticks! (Apple family Violin player)
Knew a gal who had the same anxieties---Did great in high school but claimed she was a failure;
Later in College she pulled a Peter Pan off a 3rd story stair well luckily she lived.
Some folks are just wrapped up too tight. . . .
Chapter nine: Octavia Meets Her Parents:
This should be "Twilight, Rarity, and Vinyl Scratch" (the Oxford comma is, of course, optional) or "Twilight and Rarity, along with Vinyl Scratch,".
Why? Did I miss something?*
That is called "ambivalence". Simultaneous repulsion and attraction.
Have you ever read A Puppet To Her Fame by Kaidan?
This is unneeded.
1.) This seems awful harsh for someone who is not supposed to be furious or offended. Maybe "why would you"?
2.) This is unneeded.
To make this less repetitive, may I suggest replacing this with "she now saw"?
Vinyl has got to stop smoking pot with Tree Hugger, she is picking up even more of her idiolect. Also, you misspelled "mellow".
*Oh, right, never mind. Duh. Also, "danced" or "dances".
NONE MAY ENTER THE ORB! A cookie to anyone who gets that reference.
This comma is unneeded because you are not addressing Octavia, you are only talking about her.
To make the rest of this paragraph less repetitive, this should be deleted.
Well, that meeting went off without too much of a hitch. Next comes Octavia's concert.
...Of silly awkwardness.
Let the silliness commence!
~KBO.
Twas a fun read, have a like
Chapter ten: Night of the Recital:
This should end in apostrophe s because this should be a contraction of "show is".
1.) The comma should be a period and "but" should be capitalized.
2.) The period should be a question mark.
"Own" is unneeded.
Missing comma, otherwise it sounds like you are asking if you remember Octavia.
Both letters in "DJ" should be capitalized and "playing" is unnecessary.
This is not really a response to the previous line. It also sounds like she wants Octavia to feel abandoned. Might I suggest, "Of course! I wouldn't leave my new roommate hangin'."
The emboldened parts should be italicized.
Who is talking here? It goes from a plural pronoun (A) to a singular pronoun (B). Is it just one of Octavia's parents or are they speaking in unison?
The "as" is unneeded.
That was adorable.
~KBO.
Chapter eleven: Thanking Twilight Sparkle:
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
I liked this. It was neat. It was fun to read.
~KBO.
Fear not, fellow ponies...
Twilight will teach you the TRUE art of DANCING
She puts Discord's to shame