The Shard of Erida: The Angel and Owlowiscious Collab

by Arco Iris

Prolouge; 3 Teams

Prologue; 3 Teams, Ponyville, Early in the morning
Owlicious gathered the 5 animals that meant the most to her. Gummy the alligator, pet to Pinkie Pie was there. He was strong and silent. Probably silent because he had no teeth but what he couldn’t say verbally, he could still display with his vacant stares. He was also pretty good at cooking too. Opalescence was there. She was an elegant and charming beast of great intelligence and survival skills. She could use her razor sharp claws to cut though many materials. There was Winnona. She was as fast and strong as she was loyal to her comrades. She could also hunt game twice her size. There was Angel. That slick sarcastic bunny with a rebellious attitude. He had super keen ears and a powerful kick to match. Tank arrived too. Slowly but surely he made his way to the circle of animals surrounding a book. He was quiet and loyal, and strong as an ox but as slow as well… a turtle. Then there was the leader that we all know so well: Owlicious. She was super smart, super calm, super devoted and a pretty speedy flier as well.
“Alright, began Owlicious, ”this is our threat against Ponyvi- Equestria, rather. This Crystal has absorbed all the hatred in Equestria for hoot knows how long. Although Equestria is relatively peaceful, hatred builds up. This thing will level Equestria to dust if we don’t stop it!”
“Pfft how are ya even shure*?” replied Angel sarcastically. *(yes, I know how to spell “sure”, just imagine angel with a Brooklyn or Boston accent. If you have no idea how that sounds watch “Meet the Scout” on YouTube).
“He has a good point you know.” said Tank. Opal purred. Gummy nodded to show his understanding of the situation. Winnona stayed quiet but attentive. “Well, I had some kind of… epiphany that I knew that we are the chosen ones in this prophecy.” said Owlicious.
“Hmph well do you know what you’re lookin’ for? Or where it is? Seriously this is just annoying. You don’t know whatcha doin’. Unless you can make me feel this magical hocus pocus prophecy then buzz off. I was takin’ a nap when you came crawlin’ along. I need my sleep so I’m not cranky but I think you already know that, unlike the whereabouts of this magic rock.” Angel spat*. *(By which I mean intensively speaking, not Angel actually spitting onto the ground). A sudden tremor shook the ground violently.
“Do you think a bunch of dragons are slamming against the ground to do that? That’s how some earthquakes happen but most dragons are too far away to be causing the slightest shake over here. And the weather team always writes an apology or warning after they make an earthquake in the clouds. Take a look. The sky is as clear as day. Now read this sentence : “When the hate builds up, tremors occur”. Were you just really annoyed just a second ago? That tremor was all on you. Now do you believe me?” Angel was quite shocked. Owlicious’s rebuttal really made it clear; this was pretty dangerous and the worst part was that nopony believed them.
“Now that you’re done thinking that I’m lollygagging we’ve got to look for this thing. It could be anywhere in Equestria.” said Owlicious.
“We should split up” said Opal. “Rarity had these 3 way mirrors*. You can talk into them and see the animal on the other side. If we go in teams of 2 then we should be able to communicate when we find this…thing. Gummy was busy drawing a diagram on the ground with a stick.
Tank explained “Gummy and Opalescence, Owlicious and Angel and Winnona and I will travel in these groups.” Winnona barked “But we’ll need team names! We call Team Apple , Owlicious and Angel can be Team Noctuam, and Gummy and Opalescence can be Team Engima!”
“Well in that case I think all we need are some supplies and we’ll be on our ways. To adventure!” cried Owlowsicious!
*Noctuam is simply Latin for "owl" but thats how the world works. when something dosent sound cool enough, just translate it into another language ;)

Comments

[MasterCombine]

Interesting concept.

Not so well executed, unfortunately. I'm not going to give you a thumbs down, but there is a lot of room for improvement.
For starters, break up your paragraphs more, especially when a new character is speaking. Also, I doubt the story itself is the best place to insert notes to the reader. Pulling your reader out of the story just to remind them that you stole an idea from J.K. Rowling hardly does much to keep him/her interested. Anyway, I'm by no means an expert, but I also would strongly suggest having people look over your story before you submit it.

Best of luck, keep improving.

[Silver Sea]

618909 Hmm... we forgot about him.
IT'S FINALLY OUT!!!!!!
I'll post mine when I'm finished working on it.

[Arco Iris]

618812>>618825>>618909>>618932 i thank you all for explaining my faults in the fanfic. i know im not the best writer and i kind of rushed to get this out on time. with the exception of lousy paragraph transitions and placing footnotes in REALLY awkward places i dont see the problem. any more constuctive critisism would be fantastic and i dont mind if you thumb down the story so long as you explain why. also please do not judge the other members of this collab by how badly i wrote my fanfic, they are way better than me, i assure you

[Arco Iris]

618812>>618825>>618932 one more thing: can you guys that criticised the first 2 chapters stay around for chapter 3? if it still sucks ill trash the idea but i could really use the constructive criticism in the next chapter. also, ill repost the first 2 chapters with proper editing and erase the footnote and just put them at the end of the chapter, sounds good?

[Arco Iris]

okay, ive edited the location of the footnotes to be in the end and changed it so that the paragraphes follow proper form. now hopefully i can get the next chapter out in 3 or 4 days, once again i thank you all for your constructive criticism and wish you all the best

[mbpony 512]

I have to say this is some idea for a storyline and a good one in fact.

Yet, I still wonder whether or not you'll add Spike's pet into the story ?

Still this is some idea as I would always suspect that Gummy was a bit..... like his master and we don't know about it.

Still, it was a great storyline tale so far so please do keep up the good work.

[Arco Iris]

621722 iappreciate your support but spikes pet may or may not appear. if it does it will be like derpy in the backround(nobody knows and nobody care) but if you did notice that the book that owlowiscious found the shard in was the first in a series of strange books so i set myself up for another fic if i want to. ill give spikees pet a decent role in that one. thanks for your support!

[Arco Iris]

625356 fair points indeed.although i did fix the wall of text everyone was complaining about, words per chapter will depend on the subject at hand. obviously an epic adventure is going to take more words than someone eating a muffin for breakfast. team names were rushed, i do notice now that it is a very awkward part in the story so far. although i dont get what you are talking about with twilight. i decided to make it the other way around, instead of nopony beleiving twilights bizzare story, twilight dosent beleive owlowiscious's bizzare story. but i do appreciate the support. the adventure is the 3 teams survivng and searching in various locations all over equestria for the ancient shard in order to preserve peace